Dr. Aziz defines boundaries as personal preferences about what you want in relationships and work, not rules others must follow. He walks through why people avoid stating them, what happens when you don't, and how to assert one calmly without anger or expectation.
Chapters
What is a boundary? Do you have boundaries? When I say that word, does that mean anything to you? Boundaries. So boundaries or limits, sometimes they're called, are a way in psychology to describe in you with someone else, a relationship, social interaction, something, a workplace, what you want or don't want, right? So if someone's like, hey, can you work on the weekend? And you say, no, I'm not available on the weekend, that's a boundary. If someone says, hey, can you pick me up at the airport? And you say, I'm not available, Then that's a boundary. If someone says, I think you should speak up more, they're expressing their boundary for you. Now, do you need to agree automatically with other people's boundaries? Do other people need to agree with your boundaries? Because what are boundaries really? At the end of the day, all boundaries are our preferences. It's just what I want or don't want, what you want or don't want. Now, you might imbue your boundary with, like, a lot of this is righteously true and it's totally right for everybody. Maybe, I don't know, maybe not. Might not be right for everybody, but it's right for you at this moment in your life, and that's what matters. And so you could say, this is what I want. This is what I prefer. Now, what often happens is people either have an issue of not saying their boundaries, so, hey, can you do this thing? Sure, yeah. Or someone's doing something that you don't like, and you don't say, hey, listen, you know the way that you talk over me in those meetings, that doesn't work. I can't get my viewpoint out. I got to find out what's going on. Are you aware that you're doing that? Like, we don't, we don't just go in there directly. We'll kind of avoid it. We'll be real nice, you know, Someone hugs you every time you go hang out at your friend's house, one of your friend's friend's friend is a huge hugger, big hugger. You don't like that. You don't like their big hugs, their big smelly hugs. But every time, you know, you come over there, they give you a big hug and you're like, well, I just couldn't. I don't know, what am I gonna do? Tell them not to. That's weird, right? So you have some rule that stops you from putting up a boundary there, having a boundary there. And so what happens is we don't assert the boundary in some way. Shape or form. And then we get angry, resentment, stew of resentment. And then we want to express our boundary, and it comes off as, like, entitled, demanding, like, you should have known my boundary, Mother, what's wrong with you? Why should they know your boundary unless you state it? I believe you could have different philosophies in this, and some people do. This is a hot button sometimes. But I believe that it is your responsibility to assert your boundaries. And some people, especially in this day and age, say, no, that's oppressive. That's an entitled or a privileged perspective. Because the truth is, you know, maybe it's not safe to assert a boundary. Maybe people won't listen to you if you asserted your boundary. And look, that's true. Unfortunately, that's true in certain dynamics, situations, whether it's with gender or race or socioeconomic status. Someone might have power in a situation. You might assert your boundary and it might get overrun, it might get trampled. They might take advantage of you. They might even abuse you. Yes, that happens in the world. Absolutely. So I'm not denying that. And what the hell else are you going to do? Wouldn't that be a case for even more necessity to have a boundary and be able to assert it and to be able to escalate that with power and conviction in whatever power you can access. And so if they do trample over you in some of the worst cases of abuse of power possible, you know, maybe in that moment you can't stop it, but can you come back later and file charges? Can you, say, a lawsuit? Can you get someone else involved? Can you help other people to protect them from that person? Can you do whatever and advocate for you and for others? So in my perspective, it is 100% my responsibility to know what the boundaries are and to say them. And I. Outside of extreme circumstances, the most effective way to assert your boundary is not going to be with that entitled, demanding. You should have known this, you son of a. Right. It's more like, hey, this is my preference. Hey, listen. Yep. You know, I'll do this. Candace and I do this back and forth all the time with each other. You know, we live together. I've been together for 10 years now. And so there'll be little things like, what was it? Oh, okay, we gotta sink in our kitchen. And this sink is stupid. Ever since we got it, it's got one of those nozzles where you can switch it from stream to, like, shower spray for washing dishes, and one of those snake handles to move it around the sink. And ever since we got It. If you switch it back and forth after a period of time, about six months or so, it'll get stuck and just be stuck in between the two and not work on either. So we called the company, we got a new head to the sink for. Since shipped over, installed it. I installed it. It was very manly of me. Yes. And then everything broke another six months later. And so we call the company, and again, they ship us another one for free. Yeah, that. That sink's got an issue. We'll just ship you another one. So they ship another one, and that one breaks six months later. And I'm like, this is ridiculous. So I come up with a solution. I say, hey, listen, if you don't switch it to shower mode ever, and you just keep it on the regular mode, it doesn't break because it doesn't have to switch. And Candace is like, yeah, but I like shower mode. I'm like, yeah, but we kept to keep replacing these faucet heads. It's annoying, and if we just didn't do shower mode, we just wouldn't have to do it. She's like, yeah, but I like shower mode. An impasse, an impasse of boundaries. And so I said to her one day, said, you know, obviously, you can do whatever you want, and I'll just keep replacing the faucet head. But my preference would be that we just kept it on this other one, and then it'll last us for hopefully years. And, of course, you can do what you like. Right? So I'm not coming in there entitled and angry and like, you better do this. Like, that's my preference. Now, if it was something more serious in the relationship, like, she's. You know, one of us is like, I want to. I want to make out with whoever I want to make out with me. The person's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Have a preference that you don't do that, and what's the difference? Does it have to be like, I have a preference and you're bad for wanting that, or just like, I have a preference, and that doesn't work for me? So if you want to do that, we're gonna have to figure out a way for this to work so you're just clear about what's gonna work for you, what's not gonna work for you. So some reflections on boundaries for you today. Share down in the comments below what you sing about yourself with boundaries. And until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.
