What If Their Thoughts About You Don't Matter?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the shy guy. It's Dr. Aziz, and I'm excited to be with you. How are you doing today? Are you feeling free? You feeling self confident, feeling on your own side, feeling capable, Feeling inherently worthy or not. And wherever you are today, that's okay. You know this. Sometimes people think that if they've been listening to this show or reading my books or practicing this stuff for a certain period of time, that they're supposed to feel confident all the time and that it's like a personal failing if you're not. And let's just start this episode clearing that out. It doesn't. There is no perfection here. I will run patterns of self criticism or anxiety or worry myself even after I taught this stuff for all these years. And then I can also not run those patterns. And I think really that's the key that we're looking for here, is the potential for liberation. Where sometimes you do run some social anxiety patterns of what is a social anxiety pattern, by the way? It's like looking at yourself, observing yourself, judging yourself, imagining other people are judging you, hyper focusing on what you just said or did, trying to control the outcome to make sure people like you and so on and so forth. As you could tell, I could rattle those off without even thinking about it because I know them very well. I wish I could say just from clients, but no, no, from my own experience, right? So I could do those things even now, even though I'm an expert in social anxiety. I guess that would mean I could do them all the time because I'm a master of it, right? But I mean, even I'm an expert in social confidence. It isn't. It's just like someone who's an expert in fitness doesn't mean they never eat poorly or avoid workouts or don't take care best care of their health, right? So I might know something and know what's going on and have better understanding of it. But I still might run the same pattern, and so will you. And that's okay, because what we're here to do is not achieve some sort of perfection, which is just an angry demand on yourself of not wanting to suffer or feel any pain. It's that inner critic coming back and beating you up because you're having a hard day or you feel anxious. No, no, no, no. The answer here is compassion and curiosity, like, oh, I'm doing that thing again. Okay. Ouch. Yeah, that's unpleasant. I wonder what's happening. That kind of energy and attitude. And that's what we want to bring to today's episode, which the title is, what if their thoughts about you don't matter? So this isn't some other internal lecture to levy against yourself when you're feeling worried about someone's thoughts about you or judgments of you or perceptions of you and telling yourself, well, you just. You just shouldn't worry about it, man. Come on, it doesn't matter. And that's probably not going to help you let go, but what this episode is designed to do is to help you soften a little bit and let go a little bit of that just clinging, grasping worry that we can have about people's thoughts about us. And as I dive into it further, if you've listened to this show and benefited from it, I have a request and is that would you be willing to go to itunes or I guess it's called Apple Podcasts now, or Spotify or wherever you're listening to this, and give it a review? Because those reviews help the episode. This episode and just the show in general reach other people and people who are maybe struggling or feeling alone or feeling like, stuck in the ways that I was. That I want to serve them and help them. And it really, you know, no cost to you, just. Just a chance to really help someone. Just really think about it as we're reaching more people here and it. It's spreading. Liberation is the name of the game here, so thank you for doing that. Speaking of liberation, how free would you be if other people's thoughts don't matter? With thoughts about you, I mean, someone's thoughts about anything. I mean, we could go endlessly, but I'm just talking about someone's thoughts about you. Just what if. And when you hear that, you might have a few different reactions. One might be maybe even just a little bit of relief, like a sense of spaciousness inside, like, oh, I don't want people breathing down my neck. Get off My back. You might have a little bit of that. You also might have a little bit of skepticism. Like, come on, really? I mean, people's thoughts don't matter at all. I mean, don't they matter? Aren't they. They are real, aren't they? I mean, you're saying, you know, I could just be however and do whatever and it doesn't matter. Of course people are going to judge me if I'm awkward in a conversation or if I fail at something, of course that's going to look bad, right? So there's maybe a little bit of questioning if it's true that the thoughts don't really matter. And look, I'm not here to tell you about every situation in your life and every nuance of, well, if you did do something that hurts someone else's feelings and maybe their thoughts do matter, like, ah, geez, we could. We could split the atom here and spend a thousand hours trying to cover every scenario, but instead we could just take a step back and look at a few basics. So basics, number one is you're not afraid of everyone's thoughts about you, are you? Right. You know, if someone thought, oh, he's wearing a red shirt or she works at whatever, you know, the pizza parlor or Google or something, and you do work at the pizza parlor or Google or you are wearing a red shirt, you're probably not gonna have a whole lot of turmoil about that one. Right? Just like. Yep, that's. That seems accurate. Right now, the thoughts that we're afraid of are the thoughts of judgment, critical thoughts, negative thoughts, or even worse, negative feelings towards you that come from the negative thoughts about you. And that's exactly what we do. Inside. We have this, this threat response, fight or flight danger, alarm, look out. And then we do everything in our power to try to get away from them. We either avoid the situation, avoid the person, try to fawn and please and submit curry, favor, hustle, avoid saying no, worry about it, ruminate about it, keep checking our phone to see if they got back to us or whatever. I mean, it goes on and on. I could list a hundred different behaviors here. I'm sure you know what they are. We all do them when we're afraid, when we're under threat. So what I'm really looking at here with you is what if those thoughts that you perceive as a threat don't matter so much? Look, we don't have to go all the way to. They don't matter at all. Maybe that's extreme. Let's just tone it down to what if they don't matter so much? Imagine you were talking to your grandma and if your grandma is no longer with us or you didn't know your grandma for a reason. Switch, switch it out. An elderly aunt or uncle doesn't have to be. Gender doesn't matter. That's someone that you know, you maybe care for, is in your family. Maybe you know him well, maybe you don't. Imagine an elderly family member and depending on, you know, your age, maybe it's your parent, it's elderly, right? And you're talking to them and you're having some, you're having some tea with your grandma and she's going on and on. So the other day I was down at the clubhouse and that's where they hang out, right? And I, you know, Tammy was wearing a yellow shirt and that shirt didn't fit her one bit. Oh, I tell you, that was real too tight. Who does she think she is? Oh, my goodness. And then I was talking to Jen, Jennifer and she was saying, oh, yeah, Tammy's not dressing. Going on and on and on, right? What do you think of those thoughts? What do you think? What is your perception of those thoughts that your grandma's having about Tammy and her clothes? Do they matter? Do they matter a lot? I mean, you might say, well, they matter to my grandma. Sure they do, sure. Everyone's thoughts, especially their judgmental thoughts, in which they're better than somebody else, really matter to that person because it's meeting a need. What need is that? Negative thought stream. And especially telling you about Tammy, who you probably don't even know. And here's your grandma telling you about how bad Tammy is because the way Tammy dressed. What need or needs is your grandma in this hypothetical scenario, meeting from that situation? Well, when people judge others, they meet several needs. One, they meet a need for a sense of certainty or solidity is another way to think about it is it's, you know, this is a wide world. We live in uncertainty around every corner. We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. No matter how much we try to think our way through problems, we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. Your grandma's elderly. Maybe she's got health concerns. Who knows, right? We have. Everyone's got concerns. Everyone's got unknowns in their future for them and those that they love and their finances and their health and all this stuff. And that can feel uncomfortable. I can feel very vulnerable to not be in control. And so we get a little hit like the cocaine addict Sniffing it in. We get a little hit of control by just for a moment. Like, you know what? I don't know about everything that's happening in the cosmos right now, but I'll tell you one thing. I know for sure that Tammy is a piece of a piece of work. I'll tell you about that. Right? And in the moment. And I'm not. Your grandma's not the only one that does this. We all do this. When you're doing it, whether you say it out loud or it's just in your own head, it's puffing up, but giving you a sense of solidity. It's like something to hold onto, or your body is just a little bit more firm, like there's a little bit of ground under your feet for just a moment while you're doing it. I know something. I'm certain I have solidity. I have maybe a little bit of control, at least the feeling of it. So it meets that need. It also meets the need for significance or superiority or specialness. Right. Because she's obviously better than Tammy by what she's telling you. Now, is this just your grandma that we're talking about here, or do you think that other people. I get this. Other people, not you or me, of course. We're above all that. But other people out there might be sometimes having negative thoughts about others because it meets their need for solidity or certainty. Ground under their feet because they're feeling a little bit out of control or they want to feel a little bit better about themselves. Maybe they feel inferior or inadequate or incapable. And just for a moment, they could just snort in a little bit of significance. I mean, look at that person's clothes. Look at that person's shirt. Look at that person's talk that they did. Oh, they were awkward. Oh, look at that person trying to have a conversation. They said the wrong thing. What an idiot. Yeah. Little significant stew there for a minute. Tastes good for a bite or so, and it starts to burn you. But, you know, people keep doing it because they're addicted to it. Now is. Does that matter so much? I mean, you could get on a big drama about it and be like, oh, my God, I can't believe they're doing that. They shouldn't be doing that. That's wrong of them for telling people that they're wrong. I am now better than those people. So now I get a sense of ground and significance and superiority because of those other people who are judging people. And I'm not one of those judging people. Okay, okay. Now that does not set you free. That just keeps you in the same pattern. Instead, we can just see what's happening here with a little bit more clarity, a little bit more compassion and curiosity and say, yeah, people do that. We all do that. I do that. Some people do it more than others. When I'm doing it, my intention is to become more aware of that and see if there's better ways to meet my needs for significance and certainty. And also, certainly when someone. And that's happening, if that's even happening, because a lot of our fears about what they are going to think of me are not even known. They're not even telling you. You just imagine. You dream into it. Like, you leave the conversation. You're like, oh, my God, I bet they. Bet they thought this when I said that. And it's not even. Who knows what's even really happening in that person's mind? And still, though, we're pretty certain. Hmm, certain that that is what they're thinking. And then we're all reactive to it. Oh, no. Threats. Threats everywhere. And what if it didn't matter so much? What if it was just an old lady's thoughts about Tammy's outfit? And I know if you were Tammy and you heard about it, you may be like, what? They don't like my. But this is lovely, right? Just like if you imagine someone judged you for being awkward in a conversation or for being not as cool as them. Look at her trying to come talk to us. She's not cool enough. Okay, let's say someone does think that. I know in the moment. Oh, me. Not as cool. Ow. Ow. But that's because you're imbuing it with so much factual meaning and accuracy instead of seeing it as a pattern that they're running to meet their needs. And it's possible for you to not buy into that, to not choose the same reality. You could choose something else. So let's take an example. I mean, you might not be so stressed out about, you know, the outfit Tammy's wearing, but maybe you're afraid of talking to some people. Whether that's social context, friendship, dating, workplace. A common fear I hear from clients is like, well, I'm gonna jump into this conversation, and then I'm gonna run out of things to say, or I'm gonna say the wrong thing, or people are gonna see that I'm nervous for some reason something bad's gonna happen several minutes into that conversation, so I'm just gonna avoid it. And then, you know, part of their work with me is to Build the confidence to jump into that conversation and see what actually happens and really build the skills and the capacity and ultimately the confidence and to do that consistently. Because if you can consistently jump into the conversations, you can create a whole different social life, dating life, career life, and just a whole different experience in which you're free to be you and connect and. And have intimacy and cool experiences and just live more fully instead of in a defended state. Sounds good, doesn't it? So what we need to do is be able to sidestep that fear wall. And the fear wall is like, yeah, but what if I make this mistake? What if I don't run out of things to say? What if I don't know what to do? Ah, okay. Let's just say that happens. Well, then what's going to happen? Well, the person's not going to want to talk to me. Okay, maybe. Is that it? Well, no, they're going to judge me. They're not going to like me. They're going to. What are they going to judge? Well, they're going to think I'm awkward. Okay. They're going to have a thought. She's awkward. He's awkward. And they're gonna have a feeling, right? Maybe, of like, I don't want to talk to him. He's awkward. She's a weirdo. Okay, now is that. Does that matter so much that that person has that thought? And I get it. You know, at first it might be like, no, this is high stakes, Aziz. I really do need that person to see me a certain way. And look, I'm not saying you don't want that. I mean, who wants to be thought of as awkward weirdos? Nobody does. Right? But is it really so bad if that happens sometimes? Because I'll tell you one thing for sure. Observing lots of people in this process over the years, your prediction that everybody's gonna think you're an awkward weirdo and it's always gonna go so terribly is heavily distorted. It's just not how it works. It only works that way. If you have really locked that into your identity. I'm an awkward weirdo. Let's go have an awkward weirdo conversation. Here we go. There's awkward weirdo conversation number one. I knew it. Now let's go have another one. This one's gonna go really awkward and really weirdo. Ly. Here we go. I told you. I told you. By the way, what need do you think you might be meeting by having a total certainty that it's always gonna go badly? Hmm? Might it give you some sense of certainty that you can predict the future. Because trust me, if you go into a conversation wide open with, I don't know, look, sure, I can improve my conversation skills, I can build my abilities. And one of those ways to do that is through practice. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm willing to go in and not just have one conversation to prove my worth once and for all. But maybe I'll have 10, 20, I'll do this for the next month of my life. I'll have a number of conversations. And I know that I'm gonna get better at them. I'm gonna get experience. I'm also gonna give it a sense of resiliency that I can handle even if it doesn't go well. And let's find out, let's see what really happens. And when someone comes in with that energy and attitude, inevitably they occasionally have an awkward moment, maybe a couple, when they're first starting out and they're nervous and they survive and they're okay and they feel a sense of liberation even before they've gotten to some perfect conversation master state. And that's possible for you. And it all starts with really questioning this idea that people's thoughts are so real and matter so much and are coming from some objective referee judge evaluating of your sense of self and worth. That's not where judgments come from. And so that can really set you free. So speaking of set you free, let's talk about how to put this into action. Time for action, action, action. Here's your action step. And this might throw you for a little bit of a curveball. You might think, I'm going to say, get out there and go start some interactions and see if you get judged. No, no, no, no. Got to keep you on your toes. Here's what I'm going to suggest that you do. What are the. What are the judgments? What are the thoughts about you that would trip you up, that would make you feel, oh, no, oh no, someone can't think that about me, right? Just pick a couple of them. And they're all pretty similar. They're all basically judged as bad. But there's specific words. I don't want to be seen as awkward. I don't be seen as stupid. I don't want someone to think that I'm desperate. I don't. Whatever the wording is, pick several of the judgments that you would not want to be have levied against you in someone's mind that the critical thoughts that you would be worried and dislike that someone would think of you. Just get them out and literally write them down or put them in a note file on your phone. Just get a handful of them down. That in itself is going to be extremely powerful, right? Just. Just getting them out of your head and onto some paper or onto a digital format. Then let's do a little exposure with that. And I'm not talking about it in the world. Just look at those thoughts, like, oh, okay. Just get curious. Are these judgments I already have about myself all the time, am I telling myself these things many times a day or every time I get before a social interaction? If someone had that thought about me, what needs might they be trying to meet? It's probably certainty and significance. But it's good to ask yourself that question. Like, not just recite the answer that you heard from me on this podcast, but really observe it in your own experience, because that's going to create space and that's what we're going here for. I know that people judge me. Sometimes they tell me, sometimes they don't. The benefit of putting stuff online is you get more people telling you that they judge you. So I know it happens. I know it also happens sometimes when I'm teaching, leading my groups or teaching a workshop or something, someone's judging me in the group. It happens. I know people judge me in my videos or other things I put out there. I know a friend might judge me or a friend of a friend or someone might have judgment. I know that that happens. And the reason that I'm able to do all these things and put myself out there and record this and keep writing books, even though people judge, the last one might say, oh, is it because there's a lot of other people that judged it positively? Well, sure. That doesn't hurt, right? You know, like, well, statistically, it's more like it than don't. So that's pretty good. But no, it's just all the thoughts. Good, bad, right, wrong is easier. The greatest disease, you're the worst. It's just, I don't take it all so seriously. They just don't matter so much. Because I'm not here to accumulate a database of positive thoughts that people have had of me. I'm also not here to make sure that my people having negative thoughts about me. Grand total is zero. Because that's a defended life in which you're hiding. You're not even. It's. You're not even existing. You're just kind of eking through. That's not a life. So no I'm here to express myself. I'm here to share. I'm here to love. I'm here to connect. I'm here to try to do what feels like good work in the world. And the judgments will come and go. There'll be different thoughts. There'll be different ideas that pass through. Sometimes I'll judge myself. Sometimes I'll believe those judgments. Sometimes I won't. Sometimes I'll change based upon those judgments. Other times I won't. But you don't have to take them all so seriously. That's where the freedom comes. All right, I hope this serves you and you want to take things further. Really liberating yourself is one of the first things we do in the Ultimate Confidence foundation, which is the first course in Confidence University. So if you're curious about this, summertime is a fantastic time to build some muscle and confidence. Cause you're out. Probably have some more chances in the world to practice stuff, especially in the Social Mastery course, the dating course. So check that out. If you'd like, go to theconfidenceuniversity.com theconfidenceuniversity.com and hopefully that serves you as well as this episode does and more all right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level that you are awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.