What Is Social Freedom?

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hey. Welcome to today's episode. Today we're going to be talking about social freedom. I mean, this is one of the most powerful, profound ideas. Ideas or concepts that I teach. Because when you understand this, when you really get this in your body, what this can feel like, what this can do for your life, then life gets so much more incredible, so much better. Because the opposite of social freedom is where you might be right now in some area of your life. That's social imprisonment, social inhibition, social fear, feeling stuck, held back. And in a previous episode, we talked about how to break out of the shyness prison. But this is really way beyond breaking out of shyness. This is about becoming ultimately free to be who you are around anyone, to not be held back by concerns about what other people are going to think of you. And you're going to learn more about what social freedom is in this episode. And I'm going to share some absolutely fascinating, fun, hilarious, interesting, intriguing, empowering stories about how to create that social freedom not just as some concept in your mind, but actually a felt experience in your heart, in your stomach, where you're just relaxed no matter where you are, no matter who you're with, no matter what you're doing. Before we get into those stories, though, you have to get a framework of what social freedom is. And the way I like to share that is through a concept called the three levels of liberation. And side note, by the way, if you. If you don't take notes while you listen to these episodes, I highly encourage that you do. You can write them out on a sheet of paper. You can open up a word file on your computer or a document file on your phone. Just type some of the main ideas, some of the main points, because that can really help you in your progress. And by the way, if you're interested in being connected to the show, then by all means, please go to the site shrinkforthshyguy.com like the Facebook page. You'll get updates, all that sort of stuff. So what are the three levels of liberation? Well, really, there's a level zero. So you might say there's four, but there's level one. I'm gonna get to that in a minute. But there's really a level zero. And a level zero is where you don't even know that you're stuck, that you're inhibited, that you're Afraid. That's how life is. And that's where I lived for many years. And I'll say a little more about that in a minute. But level one is where most people are, which is there's something you want to do, whether that's create a project, start something new, go talk to someone, give a talk, Put your art or your music or your writing out there. Something. You want to do it, but you're scared. It's terrifying. What if people don't like it? What if I suck? What if I'm not good enough? What if she says no? What if they think that I'm ridiculous? No, I'm not going to do that. I'll pass. That's the level one where you know what you want, but you're scared of rejection, of failure, of the person saying no, of looking like a fool. So you hold yourself back. Now, level zero, remember, that's where you don't even know what you want. You're just kind of existing. You're maybe numbing out with TV or other things. That's level zero. Level one is, you know, but you don't do it. Level two is when you know what you want and you feel scared. You feel worried about the outcome. You think it might not go well, but you do it anyway. You find that courage inside of yourself to just say, you know what? I'm just going to give it a shot. I'm just going to try. And you just walk across the room and say, hey, how's it going? I wanted to come talk to you. Or you pick up that phone and you call that person and say, hey, I wanted to set up a meeting with you to discuss X and her business. Or you make that call and see if someone's available for a presentation for you to sell them something or influence them in some way. You just go for it. Even though your heart's pounding and your stomach's tight and you got butterflies and you're nervous, you do it anyway. And that's level two. You know, you've gone from level one to level two when the fear is still there, but it doesn't cripple you, it doesn't hold you back in the same way. You can pierce through it, you can push through it. You have that courage and that strength to face what you're afraid. Then level three, you might ask, well, what's level three? Is level three no fear? Is level three having absolutely no fear? Maybe that's an ideal. I mean, that sounds fantastic. I don't know anyone who experiences no fear. Whatsoever in their nervous system. What are they, like a robot or something? No, we're all going to get scared. Especially if you're pushing way beyond the edge. Because as you probably experienced, if you listen to previous episodes and applied what you learned, did the action steps, you start to realize that your comfort zone expands. So what once was terrifying and totally impossible for you starts to become a little less scary and more possible. And you do it again and again and again, and eventually it becomes not that big of a deal. But then what happens? You want to expand and do something even more. I want to go talk to the women that I'm really beautiful. I want to be able to go start a conversation with a group of several women who are talking. And then all of a sudden, more fear comes back. So level three is not being fearless and having no fear in your nervous system. Here's what Level 3 is. Level 3 is when you really deeply understand in your core, not just in your mind, but in your heart and your core, that you're not doing anything wrong. Not only are you not doing anything wrong, you're actually helping people by putting yourself out there. And this is a major turning point. This happened for me around dancing. I used to be around level zero at dancing. Didn't want to do it. Hated it. Was terrified. Didn't even think I wanted to. And dancing stupid. Then I got into level one, where I was like, man, I wish I could dance. Look at those people. They look like me. Have a lot of fun. Hey, women like it when guys know how to dance. I wish I could do that, but I'm terrified. Level two was like, that's me getting out on the dance floor and kind of moving around. And the whole time I had. I'm like, oh, God, I'm so awkward. This is so uncomfortable. I look stupid, but I'm doing it anyway. So what's level three? Well, level three happened to me one time when there was a small venue. There weren't that many people on the dance floor yet. There was just a few people. And there's a lot of people kind of hanging out on the edges. You know that where there's a lot of people watching from the side. And my biggest fear was that people watching would judge me. Now it's easier to overcome that fear if the room is just packed and there's people everywhere. But in this case, there's just a few people out there. So, geez, I'm gonna get out there and all those guys watching on the side are gonna think I'm an Idiot. But something happened that day. I went from level two to level three and level three was, as soon as I got out there and I started dancing, I had the thought, you know what, I bet a lot of the guys watching right now wish they could be dancing. Not that I'm doing something wrong and they're judging me for it. In a way I'm really showing them what's possible, that they too can push through their fear and get out here and really paving the way. And everything shifted all of a sudden. What I was doing was not some weird, bad wrong thing that could be judged. It was actually an inspiring thing. I was helping others. I was really shifting other people in a positive way. And for me that just made it so much easier to push through any fear. So level three, and that comes to the example of dancing. Let's say you want to start a conversation with someone in a supermarket. Level three is I'm not doing anything wrong, I just like to talk to my fellow humans. Whereas level two, you might think, well, this is a little inappropriate. They might not want to talk to me, but I'll do it anyway. Do you see the difference? And level three is where social media freedom lives. And you're going to learn after the break how you can get there. And I'm not going to tell you a bunch of steps, although I do love my systems and my steps. But today I'm going to teach you through some stories about some fun, crazy, interesting stuff that I did with a good friend of mine. We were in Phoenix over this last weekend and I'm going to share some of the fun encounters that we had and the ways that we built our social confidence, which we're always doing and experienced social freedom. So stay tuned. We'll get to that right after this. Are you sure about this, J dawg? This line to get in is so long. I know man, I already told you, we don't need to get in. All the ladies we could ever want are here outside of the club. Check it. Hey ladies, what's up? Ew, don't talk to us. See what I'm talking about man? They're everywhere and looking to hook up. Look over there. You see that girl standing all by herself? Go talk to her, man. Oh, come on Wizzy, you got this. Alright. Hey, what's up? Uh, hey there. You want to come back into the corner and hang out with me and my friend? No, I mean, no thanks. I'm waiting for a friend. I have to go stand somewhere else now. What happened, man? She didn't want to hang out? Forget about it, man. We got all night. Tired of struggling to meet women and go on dates? Are you ready to get this part of your life really handled? If you go to 30days to datingmastery.com you can get a free ebook I've written called 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women Anywhere, Anytime. It'll give you guidance on how to build your confidence, how to connect with women in a variety of settings, and to do that all by being yourself without weird pickup lines or game tactics. So go to 30daystodatingmastery.com now to get your ebook and find out how to transform this area of your life. Social Freedom how do we get it? How do we experience it? Well, there's many ways to do it. I mean, lots of repetition at level two, doing something even though you're scared of it. But there's also more fun ways to do it. And one of the best ways to do it is enlist a friend. Don't do it all on your own. Find someone that wants to experiment and grow and become more bold in their lives. And I have a great friend of mine that I do this with and we happen to be down in Phoenix doing training and we had some downtime before the training and after the training and we were sitting at a breakfast cafe. It was a beautiful day in Phoenix, sunny, warm, 85 degrees and it was a shaded cafe area with many tables outside, maybe 20 tables outside and a fountain. And it was a really nice place. And we were sitting there and I reached into my pocket and I pulled out a six sided dice. Or for those of you who are sticklers for the rules, a six sided die. Because technically dice is actually for plural and I only know that because of Dungeons and Dragons, Imagine the Gathering, stuff like that. But anyway, I pulled out a six sided die and I put it on the table and he was like, what the hell is that? And I was like, well, you know, I read this book a number of years ago. It's called the Dice Man. It's actually banned in the United States for its sort of obscene content. And the premise of the book, I'll just give you the 22nd version. Here is this guy who is a psychiatrist and he was doing this really boring kind of analytical therapy where all he did was repeat back what the person said while they looked away lying down on the couch. And his clients weren't getting better. He was bored out of his mind. He didn't like his wife. He was just a miserable guy and just really stuck in his life Totally miserable. And one night he's drunk after a poker game, and everyone's gone to bed, and he's just like, you know, I just want to end my life. You know, like, everything's. What's the point of this? He's just really miserable. But there's a dice out on the table from the poker game or the gambling game they were playing, and he says, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go. If it's a 1 through 5, I'm just gonna go to bed. If it's a 6, I'm gonna go downstairs and hit on this neighbor that I've seen downstairs in our building. She's married, too, and he's married. So, like, I'm not condoning what this guy's doing. I'm just saying he said, I'm gonna do something totally out of character and totally outlandish. And sure enough, he gets the six, and he goes. And he does it, and it goes surprisingly well. They actually end up having an affair. Well, in the sense of him getting the outcome he wanted, not well, in the sense of his relationship health. But what he started doing then is he started rolling the dice. He came up with decisions for himself. If it's a one, I'll do this. If it's a two, I'll do that. And he would just do it no matter what the dice said. So I told my friend this story, and he's looking at me, and he's like, I don't think you should have an affair, Aziz. I said, dude, that's not what I'm talking about. You missed the point. The point is, I think we should come up with six social experiments, Little social inoculation, things that we could do to build our confidence that might be a little uncomfortable, that might get us a rejection or have people judge us. And you roll the dice, and you have to do whatever it is. So he's like, okay, I'm on board. So he's like, I'm going to go to the bathroom, and I'm gonna come back and I'll come up with three. And you come up with three. I was like, great. So while he was gone, I was like, okay, you know, we've been doing this for a while. We're pretty seasoned at social confidence. So, you know, it has to be something a little tough, a little. Just to get our hearts pumping, a little scary. So what I came up with was three. One I came up with was called what I called ninja gun moves. And there was, like, a wall near the tables that kind of went like this nice wood wall that went around to some other building. And so I said, if you roll that number, you have to. You have to go over towards the wall casually. And all of a sudden you have to pop into ninja mode, where you, like, jump up against the side of the wall and scurry along and maybe do a flip or a roll or a twirl and then jump around the corner as if you're holding a. You know, make your fingers into a gun. So it's kind of a mixture of silly ninja and gun moves. The next one I came up with is what I called ice spoon. So you have to take your spoon from your table, go over to a neighboring table, and ask someone if you could get a spoonful of ice from their water cup. And the last thing I came up with, which I love, I called shoe swap, where you have to go find a guy in the vicinity and see if you could get him to temporarily swap shoes with you. Or at the very least, try on one of his shoes. He doesn't necessarily have to wear yours, but you have to try on one of his shoes. And so I thought of these things, and I was chuckling to myself. I was like, ooh, these are good. These are scary. And my friend comes out of the bathroom. He sits back down. He's like, what do you got? And I told him, and he's like, holy shit, man, I'm nervous just you saying this. What are you talking. These are intense. I was like, I know, but, you know, we gotta push. This is too easy otherwise. So he said, okay, well, I'm gonna come up with some easier ones, just so we have some variation in the dice. So the one he came up with was he had to give a compliment to someone. You know, nice, easy, casual. The next one he came up with is he said, well, you have to do a dance in public. And I said, okay. Like, what kind of dance? He's like, well, I don't know. A vigorous. A vigorous dance. So that one was. I wrote down public dance, somewhat vigorous. And the next thing he said is, like, how about you have to get a high five from someone? I said, great. So he put these things down. So now we have. I wrote them down on my phone. One is compliment anyone? Two is ninja gun moves. Three is ice spoon. Four is public dance, somewhat vigorous. Five is getting a high five, naturally, and six is the shoe swap. So we get the dice. And he's like, who wants to go first? And he's like, man, I'm nervous. My heart's pumping. I was like, me too, man. I'm like, my stomach's bubbling, and he's like, this is terrible. And I was like, really? Like, to me, this feels like before you get on a roller coaster, you know, it's like you're ticking up and you're, like, nervous, but, oh, my God, this is exciting at the same time. And he's like, oh, I like that. That is true. I do feel excited as well. And so we decided who's gonna go first, and it was me. And I picked up the dice, and I was gonna roll the dice, and then I roll it across the table, and it comes up as two ninja gun moves. And the rules of the game were you had to do it right away. And you also couldn't tell people what you were doing. You can't say, I'm doing a social experiment right now where now I'm gonna do something strange. Because when you're doing that, you're trying to explain it to everyone and get everyone to still like you. But the purpose of these is to go outside your comfort zone to let people think you're weird and just realize that it doesn't matter how people view you. So I rolled two ninja gun moves, which, to be honest, was actually one of the easiest ones for me to do. I was like, oh, great. Being silly and stupid in public, I can do that. The question I have for you is which one would be the scariest to you? Complimenting someone doing some sort of ninja silly moves, Asking someone if you get a spoonful of ice dancing somewhat vigorously in public, getting a high five, or asking someone if you could try on their shoe, what would be the most nerve wracking for you? Interesting to think about. We're gonna take a quick break, and when we get back, I'm gonna tell you about the Ninja Gun moves and a few other fascinating things that happen, including a shoe swap. So stay tuned. We'll be back, and I'll jump into those right after this. Have you ever gotten fed up? I mean, so frustrated with being shy that you just couldn't take it anymore? And you said to yourself, I have to do something about this, and then what happens? Well, if you're like most of us, it might have worked for a few days or even a few weeks, but then you hit a major obstacle. You got rejected. Or maybe you just got exhausted from pushing yourself so hard. The reality is, we are all controlled by our beliefs and patterns. And without changing your patterns and reprogramming your beliefs on A deep level in your body. Change is difficult and usually not sustainable. But if you're ready to make that shift in your body and in your programming of your beliefs on a deep level, I strongly suggest checking out Confidence Unleashed. This program systematically guides you through changing those beliefs and activates your body in a way that helps you feel an immediate shift in your confidence. And once you make those changes, nothing can stay in your way for too long. So go to confidenceunleashednow.com to learn more. Welcome back. So, ninja gun moves. I rolled the dice. It was a two, and I knew that was the ninja moves. I immediately got up and I started walking towards the wall. As I started walking toward the wall, of course my heart started pounding. My stomach felt a little tight. That means I'm alive. So then I get up to the wall, and I pull my watch near my ear to pretend like I'm getting a secret message. And then I jump up with my back against the wall. I start scurrying in kind of a way, and I notice people from nearby tables kind of stop and look at me. And I just keep doing what I'm doing. I do this ninja move. I do a little twirl. My sort of guiding idea was Jack Black, you know, who's awesome with physical humor. So I was just like, over the top. I did this, like, weird, you know, kind of rolly twirly thing and then jumped around the corner and did a gun. And a few people stopped and looked at me. And then I had to walk back to my table, which was walking back all past all those people. And I was like, oh, shit. I didn't think about this part. So I just walked, like, totally casually normally, like, as if I was just showing up for the first time to meet my friend. I didn't do anything weird. And I noticed that people kind of look at me, and no one said anything. All that occurred was inside of my own mind, and I could make it mean whatever I wanted. And I made it mean I did something ridiculous. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not bad. Remember level three? I'm not doing anything wrong. And so my friend sat down and he's like, wow, you look so calm and comfortable doing it. I was like, actually, that one's not that hard for me. Being a goof in public, man, I used to do that when I was a little kid. And he was all red. He's like, I think I'm more embarrassed for you than you are. And so it was his turn, and he got Shoe swap. I think he got a compliment first and he did that one and then he got a shoe swap. And so at the table next to us, there's a guy and a woman talking. And from the looks of it, like they were just getting to know each other, maybe first date or something like that. You know, they're kind of. We overheard some talk about just what do you do? And kind of sharing information. And so my friend leans over and he says, you know, how was your guys food? And they're like, oh, you know, it was good. He's like, oh, yeah, this. And then they had a pancake. He's like, is anyone gonna eat the pancake? And he chatted with them for a few minutes or 30 seconds about their food. And he's like, hey man, are those. And he pointed at the guy's shoes. He's like, are those. And they're Air Jordans, but he didn't know the name of it. So he's like, are those Nikes? And the guy's like, yeah, man, they're Air Jordans. He's like, oh, cool. Yeah, I've been looking for some comfortable tennis shoes. And he pointed at his shoes, which were dress shoes, and he's like, all I got is these. And they look good, but they're just not comfortable. And what size are you? And the guy's like, oh, ten and a half. He's like, you know, you know, would you actually mind, I'm looking to get a shoe and I want to make sure it fits right. Would you mind if I actually tried on your shoe for just real quick? And the guy's like, yeah, no problem, man, sure, sure. Just give me a second. And so he reaches down, takes off his shoe. And as he's doing that, my friend's like, you can try on mine too if you want. He's like, nah, man, that's all right. So there enough. My friend tries on his shoe. And the girl's like, oh, those look nice. And he's like, ah, thanks. And he puts it on for a minute. Thanks so much. Gives him the shoe back, chats for a minute about one of his tattoos. And we're done. Introduced himself, gave his name. Holy shit, are you kidding me? That you can have someone let you try on their shoe? That's what you might be thinking. And that's what I used to think before I did any of this stuff. But the reality is people are so open and friendly, especially if you approach them in the right way. And that now you might say, well, what's the point of that? I mean, so we tried on a shoe. What's the big deal? I mean, that doesn't mean anything in real life. But it does, because to do that takes an incredibly high level of what? Social freedom. Freedom from doing something a little unusual. Being able to make a strange request. Being able to get a no or get a rejection along the way. Being able to have someone stop and say, I'm judging you. I don't like what you're doing. But my friend was able to face all of that and face those things because he experiences this level of social freedom. And again, not because he was born this way. He was very much like me. He had a very strong shy streak in him, but because he's conditioned himself to practice again and again and again to break through. And then on the way back from the breakfast, we were walking towards the hotel where the conference was, and I didn't do my last die roll. And he's like, well, you still have to do a die roll. I was like, okay. So I crouched down on the sidewalk and rolled it. And sure enough, it comes up with public dance, somewhat vigorous. And right across from where we were, there was a train station where there was about 20 people waiting for a local train. And so I casually walked across the street and kind of nestled in between a few people. And then I just sort of bobbing my head like. I kind of just, like making little grunting noises and then started dancing, bobbing my head. And I was like, you know what social freedom is? Being able to do anything again, as long as it's a win win. Like, I wouldn't say you go hurt someone or something, but as long as it's not hurting anyone, being able to do anything, who cares what people think of me? And so I knocked it up a notch. I started, like, dancing up and down the platform and beatboxing while I did it. Like, just like dancing around and flailing my arms and. And then I. And then I found the guy who looked like the most hard. Like, he looked like kind of like an ex convict or something. Like, you know, tough skin, tattoos. He was just, like, staring at me like, who is this motherfucker? You know, he's looking at me, and I just reach out my hand as I get to him, I'm like, give me high five, man. And he does. He gives me high five. And then I end up my dance, and I leave. And actually, as I walk back across the street, some people actually applauded, which I thought was ridiculous. But, sue, what are you Learning from this. And I'm not saying these things to brag, although I do feel proud of my abilities because I've cultivated that from repetition, from practice doing it again and again and again and again. But what are you learning as you hear this? What's possible for you? What would you do to with the maximum social freedom? Because the end game is not to be able to go dance stupidly in public or ask someone to get their shoe. The end game is now I can take that level of social confidence and go approach that person I want to have a conversation with. I want to go ask that person about some business deal. I want to go talk to that woman that I'm attracted to. I want to go to that interview. This is transferable. Social freedom is a transferable commodity. You can build it in one area and transfer it to another. So the question I have for you is what would you do with more social freedom? How could you use that in your life? And that actually brings us to our action step. Time for action. So our action step for today is create an opportunity to engage in social experiments today or tomorrow. If you're listening to this, if you can get a friend, do it this weekend or something like that where you can find a friend and you can say hey, let's play. I heard about this weird game, you know, social experiments. Let's come up with some fun stuff to do. You can pick whatever level you want. If dancing in public is like, oh my God, that's ridiculous, don't do that. Just make it stuff like compliment someone, say hi to someone, ask someone what time it is, make those the die rolls, go out there, roll the dice and see what happens. Get a friend involved so it's more fun and light hearted and then see how your level of social freedom starts to transform. So thanks for joining me today. I really encourage you to apply this in your life. Please send me emails, call the studio hotline if you'd like to connect with the show. Leave messages. I do respond to those questions for the shrink. I'll answer those as well. I love hearing from you, what you're learning, what's not working for you, anything that you want to share, I'm happy to respond to it and I'd be excited to share more. Go to shrinkforthshyguy.com you can send me a voice message through that. I love when this is less than a one way monologue and more of a conversation. I want to hear how you are doing with this material, how your social confidence is growing and and ultimately what level of social freedom you're starting to enjoy and experience. So thanks so much for joining me today, and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy with doctor if you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com. It.