What Really Stops You From Getting The Love We Want with Dave Elliot

Coming to you from the center for social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the shy guy Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Yo.

Welcome to today's episode of the show. This is gonna be a good one because this is all gonna be about relationships and how you can create an extraordinary relationship for you in your life. And everyone is at different levels of believing that's possible. Most people that I talk to do not think that is possible. And it could be because, oh, I'm too shy. I have too much anxiety. There's something wrong with me. No one wants to be with me. Could be that kind of story. Or it could be like, no, I go on dates and, you know, yeah, people find me attractive. But you know what? Relationships just don't work. It's. It's just you can't really find the people that you actually want. Most people are just miserable with each other after five years anyway, or 10 years or most of the couples I see are not happy. And for that reason, we think it's not possible. Something about me, something about how relationships work, just not possible. And if you're in either of those places or somewhere else where you're believing that it's not fully possible. Stay tuned. Listen to the second half of this interview I'm doing with guest expert Dave Elliott, who literally wrote the book on relationships, creating an online dating profile specifically. But as you'll see, his experience understanding of what keeps people stuck and how to break free in this area to where you see yourself as fully desirable, fully attractive, you can really identify what it is that you bring to the table. He's a master of that. And you're going to benefit a ton from this. It's going to help strengthen you, not just for dating, but to see what you bring to the table in all areas of life and how you hold yourself back or might be holding yourself back in every area, including your dating life. So stay tuned for this. Get yourself some sheet of paper or something to take notes. And let's continue on with our guest expert, Dave Elliot.

Expert interview. Awesome.

And one thing that I wanted to ask you around that about getting comfortable in your own skin. And I'm sure people listening are having this thought because I remember there was one client I worked with who was very convinced that she was boring. She said, I'm just boring. And, like, I should be, you know, because you use the example of adventurous, right? And that's in our. Culturally, we sort of like, yeah, that's. That's someone's like, I wanna walk the Silk Road in Asia and do this. And it just sounds cool, right? And it could be hot and sweaty and they could have diarrhea, but it sounds cool. And there's this dramatic kind of quality to adventurous. And this woman, part of our work together was actually helping her be more okay with her. And she's like, I like, you know, in some ways, I really would want to cozy up with someone. And she was more introverted and didn't want to go to crazy, crazy parties and all this stuff. But she would continually tell herself that that was not attractive, that that's not what men wanted. And she was really entrenched in that perception. She kind of used, like, society and like, everyone would agree upon this as her, as her evidence. And I'm curious, and I'm sure there's people listening that have that story as well. What do you say to those people who are like, I'm not adventurous. I don't want to do anything crazy. I just kind of live an ordinary life and want someone to share it with?

Well, you mentioned the keyword. It is a story. And she uses that story to connect with herself. But the truth of the matter is not everybody wants to travel the Silk Road or scuba dive in the, you know, in the Great Barrier Reef. Some people also are looking for someone who like to stay at home in their part, an apartment or chill and do Netflix or. They have kind of simple tastes as well. You know, the truth is that her cool is maybe somewhere else. She's just not seeing it like her value or what she, you know, what's great about her, she's making the assumption that, you know, and I think it's easy, you know, in a world of like, you know, Kardashians and overload and it's, you know, excess. People think that if they're not, you know, if they don't have, you know, 4 million followers verified, you know, that they're somehow leading some kind of life that's less than. And quite frankly, I don't think there's any truth to that. I think it's a construct. And I think you probably know as well as I do that's one of the ways that people can sometimes take significance. One of their needs is that. But I'm just boring. You know, anytime somebody, you know, creates an identity for themselves around anything, you know, they have a strong need to stay, you know, show up congruent with the identity that they believe they have. It's the strongest force in the human personality is to be congruent with who you believe you are. So if you believe you're boring, then everything you do, you'll make choices that come up and suit that story. Boring. But, you know, what she hasn't necessarily connected with is her inner, you know, her inner thrill seeker, her inner, you know, cool person, her inner whatever it is for her. You know, there are some people who are by nature more introverted, and they refill by, you know, taking time away and in having alone time. There's nothing wrong with that. And in fact, you know, just as many people, you know, half the population probably is more on the more introverted side. If you think about it, you know, again, lid for every pot. If half the world falls on the, you know, upper end of extroverted, that means probably half the world might end up on the other end as introverted. And that means there's someone for everyone in there. You know, there's people at varying degrees on that scale. And it doesn't mean that introverted people are meant to be alone. This means that maybe, you know, either they'll find their balance with someone else who helps them get out and feel more comfortable, or they'll find a great relationship with someone who also is a little bit more on the introverted side and they can, you know, sort of, you know, do less adventurous things at home together and also give each other time and space to be their own best in whatever way that looks like. But people will find a way to figure it out. It's about knowing your value. And even boring people have value. Mm.

And I. And I love what you're saying. You're just dropping so many gems. We can't get to them all. But that, that we go and make choices that continue to keep us in that identity and keep that story going. And that, you know, I am a boring person. That in itself is a huge generalization. And boring isn't even a. Isn't even a real thing. It's such a subjective thing, and yet we can lock into it. And it really just, I think then we're like, well, I'm a boring person, so no one's going to want me. So now I don't have to put myself out there, and now I'm safe. And we can kind of stay in that little bubble. But with the. That's just really powerful about our identity. I'm really thinking about how important that is to. To create that identity. And that sounds like what you're doing with people is you're helping expand by asking them questions that they haven't thought of or maybe never really considered. And that expands who they think they are and their identity. And then, of course, what they put out there on their dating profile.

Absolutely. Because for every boring person, there's something that, you know, something about them that's unique and different and special and incredible. And when someone claims that I'm boring, the question I ask is, compared to what? And again, I get the deer in the headlights look compared to other people.

4 million verified followers. That's compared to what, exactly.

Yeah, but I mean, who's to say it's a construct, you know, when you start to pull it apart and pick away at the edges, at some point, it doesn't really hold up anymore and they start to see it and, like, you kind of nailed it. Like. Like really what that is, is it's a convenient way for you to stay safe by not putting yourself out there and not taking a chance and having a readily available explanation for why it's not working.

And it can start even before the area of dating and relationships. Right. Like, we might be not. We might be prioritizing safety and certainty over all kinds of things in all areas of our life. And so we think we're boring because we are bored, because we're living an extremely shelled or insular life where we're not challenging our edge and growing and learning. And so in that case, a relationship is probably the least of our worries. We need to look at. Well, because I think if I'm bored with my life or I think someone's going to be bored with me because I'm boring, my life's boring. That's a signal that we need something more than just a relationship. There's something that needs to shift in our priorities and how we're showing up. We're gonna pause for a quick moment right here and then come back to our interview with guest expert Dave Elliott.

She probably has a boyfriend. She's out of my league. I'd only bother her if I tried to talk with her. Why would she go out with me? I'll only mess it up if I try. Does any of this sound familiar? These are the exact thoughts that are stopping you from creating outstanding and fun dates and relationships with amazing women. Ready to break free. Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to get a free copy of Dr. Aziz eBook 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women, Anytime, anywhere, and start meeting women today.

Right. And you mentioned it's a need for certainty. And sometimes, you know, that whole playing small thing, you know, where else Are you. You doing that? Where else are you not, you know, putting yourself out there, you know, taking a risk or. The interesting thing is, too, sometimes I find that it's, you know, you know, in every other area of their life, they're not playing small or they're not, you know, like, they feel way safer doing it in a corporate environment or, you know, in their organization that they lead or, you know, possibly not leading, but in other areas of their life. You know, they're out there and they feel way more competent because it's an area of competency for them. But relationship especially. Well, let's just say. Let's just call it what it is. Especially if you have some unresolved wounds, you know, some prior things that happen that haven't been cleaned up and, you know, disempowering beliefs about who you are or what happened or how safe relationship is or, you know, there's that kind of stuff. You know, I hope people clean that, that type of thing up all the time. It's really about understanding what were the previous gifts that came in the area of relationship for you? And I use the word gifts purposely. Most people don't. A lot of times if they have an unresolved wound, they don't think of it as a gift. But the truth is, it is. Every experience comes to serve you. Serve you or sabotage you. Sabotage you if you don't understand it, Serve you if you get it and you get the lesson. That's a huge part of what I do, is help people understand their past histories. They will tell a story about what happened, like, say someone cheated or someone broke up with them, or they didn't have a date for their prom or whatever the story is, and they'll have an explanation for it. It might have seemed perfectly plausible at the time, but it wasn't. Or it's no longer. They've outgrown it. But they don't revisit the story from a new perspective. They, you know, 25, 30 years ago, they'll say that, you know, I never even got a date to my prom. And that's because, you know, I was boring or undesirable or there's something wrong with me or who could love me or whatever it is. And, you know, the statute of limitations on that story can end at any point in time. When you start to ask a better question, you get a better perspective and you change that story.

Yes. And that story is just a lid on that wound underneath that whatever pain they felt when they were 15 or 16 or 17 and there was no prom date, right? There's like, ah, pain. And then they put that story right on top and it's there until, you know, so I can see how taking that off. People don't want to go there at first because there's probably, you know, they got, they got to heal it, they got to shift something in themselves. But to like, it just what's. It's so essential. I mean, I see this all the time. There was a client that I was working with just last week about this and we were helping him in confidence in his business. And then we were looking at relationships and he's like, I just don't know what I want in a relationship. And I said, is that really true? You don't know what you want? And we explored like, well, what do you like? Let's just come up. Maybe you haven't reflected on it in a while. Like, let's come up with a what do you really want in a partnership? And so he, within two minutes came up with like 10amazing aspects that he'd want in a relationship. And on the coattails of saying those things, like literally the same breath as the 10th one, he said, that's like, I'm gonna find anyone like that or that's not possible.

Oh, wow, Interesting. So that's. Isn't that amazing how you. His first story was I don't know what I want. And then you ask him a question and he outlines 10 great things that he could. That are actionable, that he could do something about right now. And then his next story is, once he doesn't have that story, he goes to, oh, I'll never find anyone like that. So again, it's another built in excuse for why it's not happening.

Y. Then of course, underneath that is, well, I was married for five years and there's a ton of unresolved pain there. So let's put a lid on that. And in my mind, I keep thinking, I think like a little flimsy yogurt lid that just puts it on there. It's not very strong. It's like, don't poke that, don't peel up around those edges.

But that's where the growth is.

Yes, absolutely.

That's where possibility is. That's where love is. That's where all the great stuff that you really do want, you say you want it, but, you know, it takes just a little bit of courage to peel that little yogurt lid off. And you'll find amazing things underneath of it when you just take a little bit of time, a little bit effort, especially if you're working with someone, you know, like you, that, you know, they're in good hands with you and they can trust you and you. You hold the space for them to kind of do that reflective work. And, you know, it comes with a good reason. You know, people make up these stories and people have this, you know, they create these dynamics again and again, and it's usually because people want to feel safe or people want to, you know, not risk pain. You know, the interesting thing is, you know, pain and pleasure are the only two things that motivate all human behavior. And people will do typically far more to avoid pain than they will do to pursue pleasure. That's just how we're wired as, you know, as human beings, as a species, essentially. Yeah.

And what's interesting, though, is we so many people are willing to put themselves out there and to find love, to create love, to experience love.

Yeah. And it's interesting, too. I start to play with the perception of pain. So, like, they say, oh, it would be too painful to put myself out there. I'll say, oh, well, you know, let's talk about the pain of not putting yourself out there. You know, how painful is it to stay home or to not have anyone? To not be able to have, you know, to have something great happen at work and not have anyone to call up and share it with. How painful is that? Good?

Needling them a little bit, Just. Yeah, because it's some momentum perception of pain.

And it's the word needle. It's not so much the needle. Needle doesn't hurt that much. It's the perception. It's looking at the needle. It's imagining, oh, my God, that's going to hurt. Oh, that looks big. Oh, I don't think that's going to be good. You know, it's the perception of pain and then the fear of it that is really underlying most of it. Then most of the time, people then get the needle, for instance, and they're like, oh, I didn't feel it. That wasn't so bad.

Yeah. Yes. And that's really. I think it's funny, the perception of pain, because I've thought about this as well. It's time. It's like, do you want. I like to think in terms of units of pain. So the loneliness, the, oh, I can't tell anyone about my promotion, or I just get home and it's quiet and I'm aching for connection. I miss touch. And, you know, then you flick on the TV and, you know, it wasn't shattering. It was just like four units of pain. And then you forgot. You kind of pushed through it or ignored it. And then the next night it's three units of pain. And then that promotion day, maybe that's 20 units of pain. And it's small numbers, but over a year you're in the thousands. And then so it adds up versus like, wow, if someone, I went on three dates and they said they didn't want to be with me, that would be like, you know, 200 units of pain all at once. And we focus on that. We're like, oh, that's so intense. But the reality is this drip of pain that we're experiencing by holding back, by hiding, by prioritizing, you know, that what you said, the avoidance, that adds up, that's what I think kills our spirit over time. We're going to pause one more time and then continue on with our confidence expert, Dave Elliot.

Are you sure about this, J dawg? This line to get in is so long. I know, man, I already told you, we don't need to get in. All the ladies we could ever want are here outside of the club. Check it. Hey ladies, what's up?

Ew, don't talk to us.

See what I'm talking about, man? They're everywhere and looking to hook up.

Look over there.

You see that girl standing all by herself? Go talk to her, man. Oh, come on, Wizzy, you got this.

Alright. Hey, what's up?

Uh, hey there.

You want to come back into the corner and hang out with me and my friend?

No, I mean, no thanks. I'm waiting for a friend. I have to go stand somewhere else now.

What happened, man?

She didn't want to hang out?

Forget about it, man.

We got all night. Tired of struggling to meet women and go on dates? Are you ready to get this part of your life really handled? If you go to 30days to dating mastery.com you can get a free ebook I've written called 7 Ways to Start conversations with women Anywhere, Anytime. It'll give you guidance on how to build your confidence, how to connect with women in a variety of settings, and to do that all by being yourself without weird pickup lines or game tactics. So go to 30daystodatingmastery.com now to get your ebook and find out how to transform this area of your life.

Yeah, because it's something that you're doing over and over, over time. And it's like anything, you know, anything that you do over and over, over time compounds. It's like you go to the Gym. Every day you go to the gym four times a week. You know, pretty soon you're gonna get stronger, you're gonna get faster, you're gonna be in better shape because it compounds. You don't go one time and you don't get massive growth. It's what you do, you know, over a period of time, on a regular basis, over and over and over again. It's, you get reward of what you do and you also get pain for what you don't do. So it's, you know, it's all going to compound one way or another. It's a little bit of pain that's going to compound to. Eventually it's going to hit that, you know, critical mass at some point where you get that, that big, really painful, you know, like the, you know, one of the questions that I would ask for someone who's, you know, been alone for a long time, it's like, well, let me ask you something. What if you had a serious health issue? What if you needed a surgery or something? You know, what if you needed to get to the doctor who would take you? How would you get there? What if you fell or collapsed or needed urgent medical care? Would anyone find you? It's that kind of thing, asking that question. They think they're safer, you know, by themselves. But the truth is, if you, you know, needed urgent medical care and you needed, you know, the safest thing in the world would be someone to see you and be at your side immediately and say, oh my gosh, let me get an ambulance or let me get you to the doctor, or let's get that looked at, let's get that taken care of. You know, so it's, it's that, you know, asking that question, people who feel like, you know, being alone and not risking is the safer alternative. If you turn it around a little bit and say, well, how safe would it be if you, you know, needed urgent medical care? Wouldn't be safe at all then. So actually you start to twist it. You turn the prism a little bit and you see that you're actually the riskier thing is being by yourself long term.

Yeah. I mean, and that's just the highlighting the power of getting leverage on someone.

Right.

Or helping them get leverage on themselves.

Yes, exactly. It's getting leverage on themselves. Because let me be clear, it's not about me and my outcome. I don't get a vote in this. You know, if someone wants to be, you know, the eternal bachelor and they really just don't think relationship is for them, that's okay. I'm totally fine with that. I'm not saying, you know what, you have to live life and do what I think you need to do. I don't get a vote in it. And I'm really clear on that. My thing is, if you think you want it, you know, I want you to have it for your reasons, not mine.

Yeah.

So. But I'll go in and ask the question, you know, again, I'll respect you. If you really, really, really don't want that, that's fine. I'm okay with that choice. It's your choice, and you get to make that choice. But it's for the people who say, well, I really do want something better, but I don't know how to get it. That's when you need to go in and kind of loosen that resolve, you know, no matter what it is, you know, to help them, you know, get the critical mass to be able to make the change that's gonna, you know, invite someone in, you know, again, like that old story, like, well, you don't understand. I never. I never had a date ever. And, you know, it's because people don't like me. It's like, could be. Or what if it's because you don't go anywhere and people don't get a chance to see you or because you're guarded? What if it's not anyone else's fault at all? What if it's who you've been, not who you are? Because there's a difference.

Yeah. What a beautiful way of highlighting with language that we're not fixed that.

Absolutely. We're, you know, constantly moving and evolving every day, whether you want to or not. Every day a little bit more skin is falling off. Some people may be losing a little more hair. Like, you're changing your inner. Inner was. Your inner organs recreate themselves. Like, every seven years, the old cells die, new ones replace it. So you are not the same person today you were yesterday. Physically.

I love it. And I love where we ended up today, where we started with the specifics of an online dating profile. And we quickly got into this capacity to move towards what we want and in this case is a relationship and the ways that we might hold ourselves back and how to move through that. And I love that. And I was going to ask you a question, and it was about masculinity and femininity. And I was like, you know what? That is such a rich topic, and you know so much about that that I'm going to see if off air I can wrangle Dave into doing another interview in a little bit about masculine, feminine polarity, because I know that's something you know a lot about.

Love it.

Charge. Sexual charge. Sexual energy, attractiveness. And this is great for if you're single and you want to, you know, have more allure to the people that you're most attracted to or if you're in a relationship, how to keep that energy, that passion there or resuscitate it or see what's blocking it. And I was going to ask you one or two questions. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. That's, that's like a whole other interview. So I'm going to, I'm going to see if you're up for that. And that would be. That would be.

You bet. I'd love to fun talk about it all the time. I would love it.

No, I know that's another big area of expertise and it's a whole different top. People want to find out more. We're going to have a link to your website down below, which is. What's the name of the website? Can you say it?

So my, my personal site is legendaryloveforlife.com for people who are interested in the book, though, I have another site, it's called catchyourmatchbook.com they can go on there and they can actually download the first chapter, get a little bit of information, see some of the testimonials and stuff, and they can actually order it, either Kindle, download it immediately, or they can, you know, the paperback and it'll be shipped to them. It's available on Amazon too, so there's a whole bunch of options. It's been great. Thank you so much. Of course, look forward to the next one as well.

Absolutely. We'll have those links down below. And I would encourage, if you're listening and this is, you know, you're resonating with this like, oh, I have been holding myself back coming up with stories and I want to put myself out there. When it comes to any form online dating or even if you're like, I don't want online date, I would highly recommend getting Dave's book because those questions that he's talking about, I know we just barely scratched the surface of what's in there are going to be essential, not just for online dating, but any form of dating and any form of creating a relationship from a strong foundation of knowing who you are and what you bring to the table. And most people that I talk to don't know that. And they just kind of Fall into a relationship, and it's not quite what they want, but they're like, well, who am I to.

I don't know.

And then it, you know, so it's such an empowered. We want to be empowered in this area. And I know that, you know, just talking with you, you have such a depth of knowledge. So I would strongly encourage anyone who's drawn and has been enjoying this interview to check out that book. We'll have the links down below and until we speak again, which will be very soon. You're awesome, Dave. Thanks for being here.

Thanks, Aziz. My pleasure. Thank you so much.

That brings us to the end of the interview. And as I mentioned in this interview, we're definitely going to have Dave back to talk about polarity, masculine and feminine energy and what creates attraction, what creates sexual charge. He knows a ton about that and is very eloquent, as you have heard in this interview, and speaks very clearly and compellingly. His language is very powerful. So definitely stay tuned for that. In the meantime, it's time for action.

Time for action.

Your action step for today is to identify what are the top stories that I tell myself about why I can't have the relationship that I want? You know, is it I'm too boring? Is it an identity thing? Is it there's no good ones out there. All the good ones are taken. Find out what are your top two or three stories that you always go to? Maybe when you're feeling discouraged or hopeless or what's the point of it? I'm not gonna find anybody. What are your top two or three stories? Write them down, get them on paper and look at them and then start to pick them. Pick apart at the edges, as Dave said, because, you know, it's just that little lid on the yogurt that we just. The yogurt lid on the pain. You just don't want to go there. But if you start to pick around the edges, is that really true? I'm boring Compared to what is it that no one would find me interesting? Is that really true? Has anyone ever found me interesting in the past? Are there things that I am actually interested in that I can get engaged and turned on by and excited about when I share about them? I mean, there's so many ways that you can start to question. You want to start to challenge, find alternative evidence, look for ways that the story is not true. Come up with a story that is more empowering. In order for me to find and attract and keep the love of my life, what kind of story would I need to have that is a much better question, and that's going to give you much better answers and of course, results in your life. So that's your action step for today. So identify those stories, challenge them, come up with better ones, and until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeem. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.