What To Do When Someone's Upset With You

What do you do when someone is upset with you or you're afraid they're upset with you? In this video, you're going to learn exactly how to handle that process, which is absolutely essential. As you become less nice and more you more authentic, more confident, you're going to have some direct contact with people, some differing ideas, some friction, some. Something other than total smoothness and people pleasing. Right? So it's very important as to building that confidence is to know how do I deal with it. It's inevitable, right? Someone's going to get upset with me. What do I do? Okay, you ready? First things first. When someone is upset with you or you think someone might be upset with you, the most important thing to do is to freak out. You just really like go 0 to 60 inside of your nervous system. Don't check anything out, just go jump to a rapid conclusion, preferably a catastrophe, about the worst possible thing that might happen, maybe involving death and ruin would be, would be the best. And then just really ramp up and, and then take some sort of frantic action. Just whatever comes to your mind. Don't double, double check it, don't overthink it. Just instant frantic action to, to make the problem go away. A hasty apology, give them their money back. Say whatever's, you know, don't say, say whatever you need to lie, Promise the world, just do whatever you need to make it go away. That's how you handle it. I'm kidding. I hope you know that I'm kidding, right? But I'm playing a little bit here to highlight. Maybe you've done some of those things or something like that. Maybe not that extreme and maybe that extreme, you know, I remember one time I was dating this woman and she said, you are a master at smoothing things over. And even when I think back on that, I don't feel like, oh, what a compliment. I feel over. I'm kind of like, that's like, that's. I don't think that's good. I think that's like. I was very, very good at this. It was a time in my relationship life where I hadn't met Candace, my wife now yet, and I had been. But I also was no longer doing the super nice guy thing. I was kind of in this in between phase. And so I'd, I'd sometimes be real with her and say something or expressive or direct. But both of us were trying to figure that out and we were pretty clunky and we were not very kind, you know, so it's like almost like brutal honesty at Times. And so I'd be really direct and she'd be really direct, and I'd be like, ow. And then we'd, like break up or have some big fight. And then I would, you know, smooth things over and I would just take all the responsibility onto me. Like, oh, I said that because I was this. And it's my fault because of that and this and that and this and that and that. Whatever I needed to say to smooth things over. And then she would feel better and I would feel better for a little while. While. And then we started all over again. So don't do that. Don't. You know, freaking out is never part of a problem solving strategy. Right. Just think of any problem solving, whether it's in business or personal or public policy or anything. It's like, step one is not freak out. So step one, when someone is upset with you is actually going to be to regulate your own nervous system. That means to send a message of calm to you, to your body, to your mind, to your emotions, and to remember to remind yourself, conflict or someone being upset is not threatening to my life. I'm okay now. Look, are there extreme circumstances? Sure. You know, take this video with a grain of salt. If you're in a situation where someone is threatening your life or sending you messages or texting you, that's alarming or something, and you need to find a way to get yourself to safety. Sure. Right. You're. You have someone who's a stalker, you're in some sort of war zone. You. I don't know. Right. You have these extreme circumstances. Obviously in this case, go take care of yourself. You might need some heightened level of safety measures. What I'm talking about here is that 99.7% of cases that the rest of us experience where, you know, you think maybe someone at work is irritated because you said something, or you. Maybe you're worried that your partner's a little upset with you because you, you know, didn't do something you thought they wanted. Right. That's the kind of stuff that you can spend a lot of your life in fear around. And your whole nervous system is like, oh, dear, oh, my God, oh, my God, we're in danger. And it might feel like you're in a war zone. You know, it might bring you right back to when you're five years old and, you know, mom was upset with you and you felt, like, terrified. You felt like, I'm a bad boy, I'm a bad girl, I'm in trouble. That's what it might feel like as an adult, you might be a 30 year old adult, 50 year old adult. You might feel like you're in trouble. Oh, I'm in, oh no, I'm in trouble. And the person's not even authority over you necessarily. They might be like a boss or something, but it might be like, you know, a spouse or a colleague or a friend or they're not an authority over you, but you, you feel that way, you give them that authority. You give up your own power. You say, oh, I'm a bad boy, I'm a bad girl. Oh no, oh no, oh no. So the first thing you need to do, breathe deeper, fuller, stand fuller and taller. It might seem like, what's the point of that? Well, that is a different message. Someone who is the authority stands like this. I am the authority in my own life. It's okay for someone to be upset. Upset. These are some phrases you could remind yourself. Upset is temporary. And breathe in between each one. It's okay for people to be upset. Upset is temporary, upset inevitable in relationships. And here's another one, upset is necessary. Upset is just about information being transferred back and forth. You're gonna learn something and that's the next step. So once you've calmed yourself a little bit, you gotta be willing to move towards it. You gotta bring a bring it on mentality. Because as long as you're running from this or trying to organize your life so that this never happens, conflict never happens, then you're never going to grow, you're never going to create the life you truly want. The highest level of extraordinary in your life. The most confidence, the most freedom, the most often the most authenticity, the most you. It's not going to happen without being able to move towards this. So you calm yourself and then you move towards it and you say, okay, someone is upset with me. I don't like it. I'm not like, yes, although you could do that, it would scramble your nervous system. Like, they're upset. Yes, let's do it. And then you go in and say, okay, I, I'm going to approach this person. I'm going to be one thing. I'm not going to be overly apologetic and ingratiating and smooth it over and say whatever I need to. I'm going to be one thing. That's all. You got to be curious. That's it, I'm curious. Tell me more what's going on? What are they feeling? What am I feeling? Why did I do that? Well, I did that because of this. Well, I don't like this. Or what is. What is happening here? What's happening for you? What's happening for me? I'm curious. I'm really curious because underneath the upset in that person is, well, they have feelings, right? And then underneath the feelings are going to be their perceptions, their expectations, their hopes, their wishes, their demands, their dreams, whatever's going on for them. You don't have to fix all that and make it all better. You just got to find out what's going on. Maybe there's something you can do, maybe not. You don't have to. You don't have to fix anything for anybody. It's a choice, but you just want to find out. When I did such and such, it seemed like they must have thought that I didn't care about them. Oh, interesting. That's what that meant to them. How curious. So you can bring that curiosity in. Of course, there's way more tools on this. One of the best places to start actually would be inside of Confidence University. I also have a program called Total Social Freedom. You can click down below to find out about Total Social freedom. That's a 90 day immersion program that guides you specifically on how to be less nice, more you, more direct, more real, work through conflict, upgrade your nervous system to be able to handle all this stuff. If you're liking this video, you made it this far, you probably love Total Social Freedom. So click down below, check out more about that. You can apply and talk to an amazing coach on my team to see if it's a good fit and look forward to seeing you in future videos, perhaps even in that. In that program and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.