When The Doubts And Fears Unite

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about, well, doubt and fear. When those two forces unite, how do you. That's a challenging force indeed to reckon with. How do you work with that? How do you weather the storm and get to the other side so you can keep going? Because here's the thing about the doubt storms. When you're not in a storm, you know, you, you might have a fairly optimistic outlook or you might feel hopeful. Maybe you're actually making some progress. I've seen this with people, especially people that I'm working with closely in my group programs, hearing about their wins and setbacks and when you're kind of settled into a status quo of like, and I remember living this way for many years where I was like, I know I'm not gonna ask someone out this month or year. I know I'm not gonna be really socially different. I know I'm not gonna raise my hand and speak up in groups. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know what I am gonna do. I'm gonna hang out with my one or to smoke pot and play video games and just take care of my school and work responsibilities and just kind of keep my life controlled and small and risk as risk minimized as possible. You know, there might be doubt storms, but in some ways they're not as intense because you're already just kind of, kind of under the control of the doubt. And in this way, you can think of doubt almost as like a totalitarian regime or authoritarian regime where it's like, you know, if the populace is under control and no one's protesting, then they don't need to do as much. They just kind of have the police force sort of patrol around here and there and occasionally throw someone who speaks out in prison. But they don't, you know, they don't have to bring out the full scale military to shut anything down because everyone's in line, everyone's scared. And that's how life with me. And maybe perhaps for you, if you, when you've had periods of your life that are like this, and if you're in one of those periods right now, well then you're not alone. So that's true for a lot of people. So. But what happens when there are protests? What happens if people do start to speak out? Well, that's where you get to see, you know, it's usually when they'll bring out more severe measures of police or military force or other, you know, coercion methods, freezing bank accounts, imprisoning people, threatening people's families, exiling people, you know, sending them out of the country, just like more intense measures to shut things down. And that's actually what happens with your doubt when you start to make more progress and take bold action, which is really confusing for people because they're like, wait a minute, you know, like. And when they're in the doubt storm, they lose sight of it. But like if you are to ask them, like a week before the doubt storm, like, how's it going? Like, well, I'm making some progress, I had some wins, like, yeah, okay. And then boom, the doubt storm hits. And then it's like, you know, caught in the mixture of like a tornado under a huge surfing wave. Like, what's going on? You're flipping around, you got sand in your mouth, you confused and disoriented. And what happens is these perspectives that in the doubt just get really, really strong and they feel really, really true. And it's things like, you're never going to make it, it's never going to work for you. And it's these feelings of despair and hopelessness. At its root is worthlessness, right? Because the reason it's not going to work for you, the reason why you're never going to find love, you're never going to have the connection that you want, you're never going to be able to succeed in the career that you want or do meaningful work or whatever you desire or dream for in your life. The reason you're not going to have that is because insert some either judgment about yourself that you're aware of. Like I'm not smart enough, I'm not disciplined enough, I'm not good enough. Or even just not even a specific, just because you're bad, because you're inadequate, you're insufficient, you're defective, because look at you. And as this sort of, even if it's non verbal, just like a perspective of yourself, as less than not worthy, not worthy of respect, not good enough. I mean, these words are all just words, right? They might not exactly capture, but they're pointing towards something. And I'm sure you can feel what I'm pointing towards right now with these words. That right there, that's the worst part of the doubt storm is it's undercutting your very self worth. And then from that perspective, everything is freaking scary, right? Like, oh my gosh, I'm never gonna find love and I'm gonna be alone forever and I die alone and miserable and one person at my funeral, who's the priest? Oh my God. And then, you know, I'm never gonna succeed in business or I'm gonna get fired and I'm never gonna find another job and I'm running out of money. I'm gonna end up on the street. And these things in the doubt storm, even if there's a part somewhere like, you know, I like to think of like a tornado or something, there's someone like, you're in this little hut, maybe like Dorothy and the wizard of Oz, right? And your house is getting spun around in this big tornado storm. And there's someone though that's like outside of the tornado winds or down on the ground who's like calling up at you, like being like. And that's like your voice of perspective and reason, who's like, actually, you're not going to die in a gutter. Can you hear me? But it's so distant and faint in that moment and all you hear is doubt storm. You're like, I don't know. So what do we do? Well, one, just knowing this and naming it, when I'm in a doubt storm, I call it that. I'm like, okay, I'm in a doubt storm right now and all of a sudden it helps me start to relate to it completely differently. Because if I think like, oh my God, this is reality and I gotta solve all these problems. Oh, oh, no. Because if you're trying to solve problems when you're in that freaking house that's spinning around in a tornado, that's not the time to like, you know, clean out your cabinets or whatever problem you actually need to solve. That's the time to just freaking hang on, right? When the dust settles and the tornado has stopped, you can go clean out your cabinets or fix your drain or whatever the problem is that you want to address, but you can't do that when everything's just. When you're not in a resourceful state. You're not Seeing clearly, you're not. You don't have access in that moment to the powerful version of you, the creative version of you, the capable version of you, the confident version of you. They're all just out the window. So what we need to do is we need to weather the storm, get to the other side of it. Then you can access your faculties. So what is that? First things first. Name it as a downstorm. And option one is just to hunker down. Like, okay, it's strong right now. And hunkering down in this case does not mean grit your teeth, clench your stomach, open up your computer, and watch 75 episodes on Netflix of something that is gonna Maybe it'll temporarily, like, turn down the sound of the doubt storm. Maybe, maybe not. Depends on how strong your storm is. But it's just gonna be there waiting for you when you're done 75 hours later. Oh, no, it's smashed under that wave. Couldn't run from it. Right? So that's not what I mean. But what I mean is to, like, actually be able to weather it by being in your body, breathing, noticing intense sensation, and staying out of your mind. That's the key, because if you really get into all the thoughts about it, you're screwed, because they're gonna seem so dark and so scary, and you're so hopeless, and it's dangerous and everything. So, as one of my teachers said, Christian Michaelson, stay out of the mind. Stay in the body. Simple teaching. Profound, right? So you just literally feel. And you'll feel the storm. It's like, squeezing and tight and hot and burning and tense and, whoa. For me, it's not like my stomach will get tight or my chest is high or my back is, you know, Charley Horsin, and it's like, okay, just watch it. Be with it. Now, you could do this seated with your eyes closed. You could do this walking. You could do it jogging. You could do it outdoors. You could do it indoors. It's really hard to do when you're like, I'm gonna focus on my work and do this at the same time, or I'm gonna go listen to a podcast or something or watch something like, no, you're probably gonna be distracting yourself. That's okay to do, too. And before you go do that, though, take 10 minutes to really connect with yourself and feel. Maybe 20. Because what's gonna happen is you're actually gonna move through the doubt storm way quicker if you do that than just trying to, like, put a li. Like to think of it like a yogurt lid on a container. You just try to put the lid on and be like, well, I don't know what's in there, but I'm just gonna close up the lid and sure it's gonna handle itself. And it's like, no, no. You ever left yogurt too long in the fridge with something in there? Like, yeah, no, when you open it, it's handled itself. It's like moldy and disgusting, right? So you gotta air it out. You gotta let it move, let it breathe, let yourself feel. That's one of the most important things you can do to weather the storm and just name it. It's a doubt storm. I don't need to solve anything right now. And something that I'll remind myself of if I'm really. For me, the doubt storm can often manifest as. And that's why I called this episode. When the doubts and fears unite, it'll manifest with a lot of fear for me, instead of being depressive and hopeless, I tend to be catastrophic and anxious. That's my. My bent. I'll sometimes joke with Candace, like, you know, I'm a nervous creature, right? So when. When I'm off my center, when I'm not here, present, capable, connected to my resourceful self, which way am I going to veer, Shut down, not do anything? Or like, frantic squirrel on amphetamine, who's all freaked out. He's got to, you know, save a thousand nuts for the winter. That's me. I'm the second one, squirrel on amphetamine. So it's like, oh, God, there's so many things I gotta do. And sometimes it's so much anxiety that it's paralyzing. So it's not like I'm not even taking a bunch of frantic action. I'm just like, oh, God, oh God, oh God. Right? So that's the direction I'll error towards, I should say. So when that's happening and you find your way back to here and now, what I'll do is I'll remind myself, I'll say, there is no solution from this state. Cause when I'm all frantic and anxious, it feels like I gotta do stuff now. Now. Like, forget my family, forget sleep, forget eating, forget moving. You sit in front of that computer and you solve those problems or you go, take care of this right now. And it might seem like, oh, great, you're taking a lot of action. Well, that action's not actually gonna create relief. Like, the solution is not accessible. Because even if you did come up with a solution, even if you did take an action, you're still gonna feel freaked out afterwards anyway. So I'll remind myself there is no solution in this state. The key is for me to become more resourceful, soothe myself, soothe my nervous system, and then I can. If there is a problem to solve. Sometimes there is no problem to solve, right? Sometimes the doubt storm settles and you're like, oh, it's actually a nice day. I can hear the bluebirds. I guess I'll just go outside. And then sometimes there is something that you need to address or resolve or figure out. And you will after the storm has passed. And the same goes for if you're feeling really depressed and like, oh, it's so hopeless and I just can't do anything. Oh, God. And it manifests that way for you. Then the key is going to be one, stay out of the mind, stay in the body. And then two, especially for. It's almost like different advice for different symptoms or manifestation. If you're the more frantic, just take a bunch of action, like a chicken with your head cut off kind of person me, then for you, the best medicine is going to be to do nothing. And that's going to feel very uncomfortable. And that's still the way. The fastest way through the doubt storm is right into the eye of the storm, right into the discomfort. So it's being with the discomfort in your body. And if you're so frantic that just sitting there and doing that feels like you're going to explode or crawl to your skin, be in motion. That's why I said go for a walk. For me, my favorite is a hike, if I can be out in nature, because it feels like there's just more space for the frantic energy to just kind of dissolve into the trees and the earth and the sky. And it's like, oh, okay, so I can come back to myself. And the more resourceful parts of me if you are, the more depressive kind of, I don't want to do anything. It's hopeless. That side, it's, you know, one, stay out of the mind, stay in the body. Same thing, weather the storm. But for you, it's probably going to be good to just start to do stuff, just get into action. Doesn't have to be officially solving any problem, but just like make decisions and do stuff. You know, I'm just going to get up, I'm going to go make this food and I'm going to go outside and go for a walk. And then you do it, even though you're. I don't feel like it. Because there's this inertia, and you want to just delay, delay, delay. I'll just sit in bed and look at my phone for another 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 100 minutes. And it just. You get worse and worse and worse with it. There's more and more inertia. So you need to get into momentum. And you just take a bunch of decisions and a bunch of small actions, even about little things in your life, and you'll start to find your way through that storm much faster. So let's talk about how you can turn this into action. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is twofold for this episode. Number one, can you remember your last doubt Storm? I mean, heck, maybe you're in it right now. I don't know, but. And if so, I'm glad you're listening to this episode. Good timing, huh? Thank you. Thank you. Weaver at work. So if not, though, if you're not in it, maybe reflect. Was it like an hour ago, a week ago, three nights ago, a month ago? And don't get too hung up on, was it an official doubt storm? I mean, this isn't an official term. You'll know it. It's just like an intense experience of fear and doub. Okay, so just get familiar with it, reflect on it a little bit. And then what I want you to do is imagine when a doubt storm comes in the future, what are you going to do? How are you going to weather it and actually see yourself or sense yourself or imagine yourself navigating with some of the tools that I'm talking about in this episode. Setting yourself up to win, priming yourself to seeing you navigating the doubt storm more skillfully. And one thing I didn't mention during the main episode, which is very important right now, fighting the Doubt storm perpetuates the doubt storm. So if you're there and the tornado spinning all around your little cabin and you're like, this is terrible. Why is there a tornado? I can't handle a tornado. This has got to go away right now. I don't have time for a tornado. This is awful. Oh, my God. Then what's happening is you're feeling more stress and fear about the fear and the doubt, and it just compounds. So step number one, stay out of the mind. Stay in the body. Accept what's here now. Weather the storm, and you'll find your way through. And remember, this happens to every single human alive. It's for some point, for everyone, it's more frequent, for others, less frequent for other people, but there's no human that goes through life without their share of doubt storms and that sometimes that common humanity is very helpful to remember as well. To know that doesn't mean you're alone. We're all here with you. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

Sam.