When THEY Don’t Want You To Grow

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself second, and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about them, those people that are holding you back, that don't want you to grow. So I'm excited to get into that with you today. If you're enjoying the show, by all means. Thank you for being here. First and foremost, I'm glad to spend this time with you. I really love this and being able to interact and connect with you and share things that I've learned that are. That can help you in your life. And I get a chance to see that effect on clients that I work with and live events and groups and other things. But it's cool to be having this relationship with you where maybe we'll meet in one of those ways and maybe never. But to know that you are a brother or a sister on the same path as me is really cool. So thank you for being here. And if you're benefiting from this and want to give back, then go to itunes and rate the show. Five stars only. Don't rate it if you're gonna give it less. But, you know, giving it a rating, I think helps. I don't know. Probably right. That's. That's the thing to do. More ratings is good things. But anyway, that would be cool. I'd appreciate that. And we're going to talk about a really interesting topic today, which you might have bumped up against, if not you will, depends on where you are in your personal growth journey. Maybe most people that I listen to this podcast or I talk to read my books, I'm not the first thing that they've come across in this day and age. We have a lot of access to personal growth material, books and audible and videos and YouTube and programs and trainings and workshops and weekends and live events, and it just goes on and on. So most people are generally on that path and you probably are as well. And I had a really interesting question come in from a fellow named Nick. This was through Facebook. And I'm just going to read his question because it's so good that we're going to be talking about this for the episode, basically. But it is about when people close to you get uncomfortable with you growing. And I'm wondering if that's happened for you already. Perhaps it's a spouse or a partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a family member, you know, parent, a sibling, your children, depending on your age. Right. People reacting negatively, not positively negatively to you, making positive changes in your life. I mean, one thing, if people are, you know, you were making, you were becoming, I don't know, you were getting addicted to drugs and people were saying, hey, we don't like this. No, this is like you shifting something for the better for your life. And instead of it being met with praise and excitement and support, it's met with resistance or criticism or trying to actually push you back. So here is Nick's question about that. I was wondering how you. He's referring to me, managed your marriage while doing all this personal growth. From reading the book, it sounds like. I don't know which book. Probably not nice, but any of my books, I suppose it sounds like you were doing a lot of work on yourself and making changes while still maintaining a relationship. Indeed, I do do that. Change rapidly, man. As much as possible, grow as quickly as possible in this life. And yes, have sustained a relationship through all that. So how do you manage this is back to his question. How do you both manage to evolve and still remain compatible? I notice a lot of the time when I make changes, my girlfriend is seemingly taken off guard by it. Sometimes she gets angry, doesn't understand it, or tells me I'm not the same person she met. How can I evolve as a person and maintain my relationship? Because in a sense, it's like becoming a new person and facing new compatibility issues. That's a great question and something that I bet you listening to might resonate with on some level. And first and foremost, that's a bummer. It's unfortunate that that's a common reaction to change. And I would say I definitely have experienced that in a lot of different relationships. Romantic, but also just my personal relationships with family and friends. But I'll tell you where I don't experience it, and that's with my wife, Candace, which is amazing. And it's one of the things that I am extremely grateful for. And I tell her I'm grateful for and I tell her how awesome she is because she is as growth oriented as me now, that is not while I'm extremely grateful for it, that is not by luck, that is by design, that is by choice. So as I got. So this is a huge part about relationship and, and being able to have a long term, successful, thriving relationship. Heck, this is actually important even in early dating as well, is knowing yourself, knowing who am I, what do I value, what's important to me in life, what's really important, what's most important to me in life. And there are some things that I, through my own personal growth work, reflecting on that stuff, really started to see what matters most to me, what am I about? And therefore who am I going to resonate with as a partner. And I could see a few things. One is, I was crazy about growing and evolving myself because not only is that I think one of the purposes of my life, but it also related to my other purpose of helping people do the same thing. So how am I going to help people grow and evolve and change if I myself am stagnant? I always have to be in perpetual growth and motion. And the metaphor that I love, which I talk about some of my live events, is the mud. Slow and fast water. So when we're really stuck in an area of our lives, it's like we're in the mud on the side of the riverbank and we're in just this thick molasses mud. We're not going anywhere, we're stagnant. And if you're in that mud for a while, it starts to smell. And then something happens. We start to move a little bit. And this could be any area. Your social confidence, your friendships, your work life, your career, your health, your finances, anything, you start to get into motion. Some people can stay in the mud. I mean, heck, we all might have been in an area where we've been in the mud for years. But eventually, hopefully, people get into motion and then they start to move. Like the water's going. It's like the creek is starting to flow. And that's when things start to happen in our lives. But ultimately, we want to get into the middle of the river. And it's just like a flowing, fast, raging river. I mean, sometimes it's smooth and slow, and sometimes you turn a bend and then boom, there's some rapids, right? And then, whoa, there's a waterfall. And that's how I want to live my life is like right in the middle of that river. And that means things change. And I'm open to rapid change. I welcome rapid change. I realize that change doesn't necessarily occur over years. Sometimes it does, but usually what that means is there's a buildup of energy leading to that change, like a buildup of frustration. It's almost like you're becoming due for that change. In the behavioral psychological literature, they talk about the stages of change and they talk about pre contemplation where you're like, pre is before. Before contemplation. You're not even contemplating the change. And then there's contemplation where you're kind of like, should I or shouldn't I? There's all this psychological emotional build up to change. Do I really want to stop smoking? I don't know, but I like it. Do I really want to stop eating that terrible food? I don't know. It's so full of delicious chemicals and sugars. Do I really want to break up with this person? I don't know. We're just back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. But then the decision happens in a moment. Boom. I've decided now, following through on that decision and setting up new habits and practices. Whether it's your diet or your health or that ending that relationship and finding better connections with people, that takes recommitting to that decision and committed action. And it's a series of points in time, but the core decision can happen in a moment. And so for that reason, I welcome rapid change in my life and I encourage clients to see it that way too. You can decide something and it is so. And then maybe you're doing the habits and rituals and you're working your best to sustain it, but you can make that decision in a moment. Like I made the decision to stop eating meat and adopt a whole foods vegan lifestyle in a moment. I mean, I sort of thought about it a little bit, but when I got exposed to the right material, and I'd been exposed to it many times in my life and had attempted it, but it was generally, I don't know, I always had a back door, like, well, I don't know about this. This is hard, but I probably want to. I think then I got to a point, this was more than a year ago now where I was just like, oh, no, I'm done with this. I don't want to eat this way. I don't want to eat that. I don't want to eat that. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. And it happened pretty fast. And I came home. Candace is used to this by now, where I come home from work with like a grand proclamation like I'm gonna be a vegan. Never eating meat again. And one time I came home from work. We've been wanting this. We call it our Adventure Mobile. It's like a little rv, a very small rv. Class B they're called. They're like a big van, basically. And we've been talking about it and fantasizing about it for years. And it was always like, one day later, when the kids are older, later, now's not the time. Later, later. And I just thought about it, thought about it, thought about it. And then I came home one day and was just like, honey, we're buying an rv. And then, so, yeah, I come home like that, semi regularly. Jesus. Polyphasic sleep. I tried that for a while. Couple months. Honey, I'm not sleeping anymore. And to her credit, she just rolls with it. She's like, all right, let's do it. And of course, if she's not on board, she'll say, I don't know about that. Let's talk about that more, or whatever. But generally, she is so growth oriented that either my growth is aligning with hers and she wants to do it, too. I like the vegan thing, or maybe I'm doing something else and it's not her cup of tea, but, like, the polyphasic sleep. But she's like, okay, you do that thing. It's not my thing, but go for it. See what happens. So there's no fighting, there's no resistance on it. And I'm the same way with her. Like, she's really into reading a lot about education, homeschooling, unschooling, how kids actually learn how to work with children and their energy and just really be with them in a very, I don't know, conscious loving way, I would say. And I learn a ton from her. And so she'll be sharing what she's reading, and I'm just like, whoa, yeah, tell me more. And here's the thing. Here's what allows for that. It doesn't mean that. Okay, let's take a step back. Getting all riled up here. Why does Nick's partner get angry and say, you're not the same person that you used to be? When he makes a positive change in his life, is it because she's terrible? Is it because she's a bitch? Is it because. Whatever. No, it's fear. It's fear. She is. It's gonna push some button in her now. What specific fear? Well, we can only guess. Not talking to her, but common ones are. I'm gonna lose his love because he's now different. I can't predict. I don't have certainty that he's gonna keep loving me. So she gets scared and she tries to get certainty by controlling him by doing what's called the change back phenomenon in family systems therapy. Whoa, you're being different now. No, no, no, no, no. Change back and everything will be cool. And people communicate that command to change back by getting angry or giving you the cold shoulder or just straight up telling you you shouldn't be that way. You should go back to how you were. I don't even know you anymore, man. Right. So that's fear. Now. Does Candace not have fear about me changing? Do I not have fear or discomfort or my buttons get pushed? No. Sometimes I do. Sometimes she'll be sharing something she's learning about parenting or style, and I'll be like, oh, crap, that makes sense. But that sounds really hard to implement. And I don't know if I fully agree with that or, oh, man, that's gonna make me more perfectionistic as a dad, and I don't want that. And some of my buttons or fear gets pushed and same thing. I'm sure when I come home and say, this is what I'm doing or I wanna do this now or whatever, I'm sure she has fear too. And sometimes we talk about it. What's the difference? The difference is I prioritize growth over certainty, and so does she, and hopefully so do you. That's a big one. Prioritizing growth over certainty. If you don't, you're gonna be in the mud in life. Forget being in the raging river or even trickling on the side, you're gonna be in the mud because every. They're at odds with each other. Comfort and certainty and growth are polar opposites. You basically can't be comfortable and grow at the same time. Now you can get familiar with the sensation of growth. Growth can be exciting. Growth can be fun. Growth can be liberating. So it's not like growth has to feel terrible, but it sure doesn't feel like certain and predictable and easy and the same comfortable. Those are very different things. And in fact, you want a secret to maximize your growth in life is get not just able to tolerate the discomfort of growth, but relish that unique form of discomfort. You know, I was just at the gym this morning and I was. I was doing some alternating exercise that involved some kind of squats with some kettlebells. And I was doing it, and There was like five sets of 10, and I got through the fourth set. And I was like. And one of the coaches there was like, hey, how you doing? And I was like, I'm doing good. This is a lot of squats. And she's like, yeah, that's a solid weight to be doing for that too. I was like, yeah, yeah. And it was more than I'd done the last week. When I was doing that exercise, I was like, yeah, yeah. Last week I was doing less. This week I'm doing a little more. I was like, well, I'm feeling stronger today. And then I thought about it for a minute. I was like, you know, I'd rather like the discomfort of, like, I'm kind of weak today and need to do less, versus this discomfort, which is like, I'm feeling strong, and so I'm going to push the edge and it's going to be uncomfortable. I will take that discomfort any day, all day, every day. Does that make sense? The discomfort of, like, I'm feeling capable. Let me push my edge. Is way better than the discomfort of I feel weak and scared or weak and tired or unable to do this. I'm so uncomfortable. Because one has power in it. One is empowering. So if you want a secret for growth, it's go into that. Embrace the discomfort, embrace the challenge. It's not just something to grit your teeth through. Oh, this sucks. When's it done? And I can get back to comfort. Like, what if you really could find a way to relish it? And in some. This is going to sound crazy in some strange way, start to crave it, that discomfort of growth. In any case, what do you do if your partner is not like Candace or, you know, I've had family or friends give me grief about different things. Here's the thing where it's the hardest with your partner, when it comes now, it depends on your level of differentiation from your family of knowing yourself. For me, it's a lot easier to create a bit of a separation of my perspective versus someone else's other than your partner. It's hard with your partner. Harder with your partner. So if, like, my dad has an idea about health, I'm like, eh, whatever. I know more what's right for me than he or anyone else does. So if you develop certainty on that topic, then that's gonna help you. But what do you do when it's your intimate partner or maybe someone's opinion that you really, really value and they're like, well, I don't know about this. I don't know. This is different. This is not who you Are you shouldn't be this. I would take a step back and notice probably you feel some anxiety because it's threatening, she's threatened. And then all of a sudden you might start to feel threatened, oh, no, I'm going to lose her. And so there's a temptation to stop the growing, slow down the growth, not engage in the growth. And I would say that is the worst thing you can do for yourself long term because you are blocking your life unfoldment, you are diverting the path, the unfoldment of your destiny, to cling to something that ultimately is not right for you, because a relationship is right for you when the other person wants you to flourish. And so when I was looking for a partner, I was very clear, I want someone who is as growth oriented or more growth oriented than me. And if you're really into that in life, you're going to want that too. And you don't have to have that. But man, it's kind of an uphill battle if you don't. Because then every time you want to make a change or every time you want to go to a workshop or every time you want to do something, if they don't overtly fight you on it, there's going to be like, rather than a yes and or hell yeah, you get kind of like, oh, that's weird, I don't know about that. And so that was absolutely essential for me. And I wonder if that is for you, Nick. And I wonder if that is for you as well. As you listen to this and as you reflect on yourself, are you holding back in the ways that you can be, in the ways that you can grow, even if you haven't gotten that negative feedback from someone, like, he's getting a pretty clear signal from his partner. But you know, maybe if you reflect on your life, maybe you kind of consciously or unconsciously hold back without even having gotten that negative feedback. You just imagine, oh my gosh, what would my mom think? Oh my gosh, what would my cousin say, oh no, what would my husband think of me? And so you just dismiss it out of hand. You don't even do it. That's even worse, right? Because then we're not even engaging it. We're not even testing it to see what might actually happen. We're just automatically constricting. And look, we can blame them and say it's their fault, but really it's our own choice. Heck, our safety police is looking for any excuse it can to prevent us from growing. So it's like, I totally would Be growing, but, you know, partner and such. Yeah, it's totally them stopping me. So we just. We look for that excuse. The truth is we're at choice, and if we really want to do something, we can. And then the relationship either keeps up or it doesn't. And that's the thing is you got to be willing and able to let go. And while I've been blessed to have Candice continue to evolve and grow at the same rate as me, I've had other relationships end because of my growth. When I went from being a clinical psychologist therapist to doing coaching work, I lost friendships. I had therapist friends who did not like or want me to change to this kind of work. And they were very vocal about that, very clear about that. And so I had to make a choice and I let those relationships dissolve. And at different stages in my life, I had some friendships that were. The people were very. Not growth oriented and actually very quite negative and limited and. And I let those relationships dissolve. Now, oftentimes you don't have to have like a breakup conversation. I mean, obviously if it was a partner, you would. But in certain friendships, I just, you know, reached out less and less and less, and then they reached out less and it just sort of faded. So who do you want to surround yourself with? And do you want to cling to something that isn't ultimately helping you unfold in your destiny? Now, there is one caveat I'm going to say about this. Well, maybe two caveats. One is be patient, because even though people might have reactivity at first, they ultimately want what's best for you. So I would say be patient and be like, go into it with them. Oh, it seems like you are. You know, she gets angry. It seems like you're angry right now that I'm making this change in my life or I want to change in X, y and z ways. Tell me more what's going on and the more you can communicate. So these are two caveats. One is, how patient are you being? And two, how much are you communicating around this stuff? Because a lot of us might have some entitlement about that as well. We come home from a workshop or read a book or whatever. We're like, I'm making these changes and it's gonna be great. And I don't want any questions, any criticism, any doubt, nothing. And I want you to be just as excited about it as me. And whether we consciously say that or not, we kind of have that attitude. And we're a little bit hurt if they don't Feel that way or I know sometimes I'm really excited about something, and I'm like, and then this and then that and then that. And Candace is like, huh? And then I'm all hurt inside, like, what do you mean, huh? And I want her to be like, yeah. I don't even quite know what you're saying because it's all rambled and jumbled. But, yeah, I'm totally on board with you. You're awesome. And I'm like, this little kid in me is wanting total validation. But here's the thing. In that case, whether I'm not getting what I want or if the other person is getting upset, you gotta be able to speak to it. Use your growth to improve your communication and have a conversation about it. Oh, I noticed. It seems like you're angry about that, about me making the change. Tell me more. Are you scared? Interesting. What are you scared of? And the more you can be curious and see that it's about her or him. If you're doing this with a male partner, the better it's gonna go. Same thing with Candace. I'll say, like, oh, when you said, huh, I imagine that you're, like, judging or doubting what I'm saying. Is that the case? Is that what's happening? I just want to check out my thinking here. And most times when I've said that, she'll be like, no, I'm actually just trying to take in what you're saying and try to make sense of it and think about it and reflect on it. I'm like, oh, all right, then. So are you able to communicate about it? Are you demanding something of them? And maybe it takes a little time for someone to warm up to something. I personally would want them to warm up quickly because I'm like, well, you know, you don't have to do the exact same thing as me, but if you don't want me to grow, especially in ways that I think are mutually beneficial, I mean, that's a whole other topic as well. Now that I have a family with two small children. If I was like, my growth involves being gone crazy amounts of time, maybe that would be an issue that I couldn't just expect or demand that she's on board with. You got to look at what's the alignment with the couple and the partnership and the family. So there's a lot to it. But in general, hopefully, you're not settling for someone who is resistant to growth. So we get close to the end of this episode. Let's figure out how to turn this into action. Time for action. Action, action. Your action step today is Nick for break. Break up with her. Just break up with her. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Your action step, not. Not just Nick, but everyone. Your action step is to reflect on where am I holding back because of fear of if people are going to resist my growth? Because Nick is not alone in this. And he might not be your spouse, but maybe at work you don't want to. I can't tell you how many times I've had clients make big progress in a weekend or the mastermind group or something, and they're like, oh, my God, I'm so scared to go back to work. And people are going to say, whoa, you're different. And, I mean, I have a way that I coach them through that. It's kind of like to own it, be like, yeah, yeah, decided I was going to do this or be more. Speak up more in meetings or whatever, and just kind of have a simple way to acknowledge it and move on. And there's so much. And the fear is not really about. What would I say? The fear is like, oh, my God, people are going to reject me for changing. And you know what? What I have often found is you might get a little friction, but just keep barreling along. People will sort of adapt and don't use them as an excuse to stop. Oh, they were negative about it, so I couldn't do it. Watch out. That is you looking for an excuse to not do the discomfort and grow. So look for where you're holding yourself back from growth and then, you know, plunge into it, grow, let that go and just be more you. And then, you know, sometimes that involves upgrading relationships, whether it's a romantic relationship or friendships, letting things dissolve and trusting that there's going to be something. And some people and your people, whether it's your partner, your friends, your community, your workplace, your people are going to support your ultimate growth and thriving. Awesome. Thank you for being with me today. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.

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