When To Say Yes And When To Say No

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about something extremely important for you. Navigating your own life on your terms, which is part of confidence, right? As you get more confident, you outgrow, perhaps insecurities or old stories about yourself, old identities that don't serve you. And you can start to steer your life as the leader of your life more and more. And there is a nuance to that that I want to share in today's episode, which people get tripped up. Clients that I work with, especially if they read my book Not Nice or have studied assertiveness, then they get into these scenarios that are complex. I mean, rarely is life so simple as, well, just do X and you solve the problem. There's a lot of factors going on and we're going to look at some of those today, particularly when to say yes and when to say no, when to do more or take on more and when to take on less. And in the past, you may have lived by a simplistic formula. I know I sure did. Which is like, well, what do you do? Do you say yes or do you say no? Do you take on more? Do you take on less? Well, how do you decide? Well, you just do whatever other people want. I mean, problem solved, right? This person wants me to say yes, I'll say yes. This person wants me to take on more, I'll take on more. And you just, you don't even really question it. It's simple. And part of us likes that it's simple. But while it's simple, it doesn't actually mean that it serves you or helps you live your own life. Certainly not on your terms because you're not even steering right. What you decide to do is solely based upon how, I was going to say the desires of others, but actually it's your imagined sense of the desires of others and fear of conflict, fear of separation, fear of upset. Fear of guilt. So really it's a fear based way of living. And that's at its core what niceness is in the first place is a fearful way of living. And so we want to do something better. And then the other side of that though, because sometimes people will flip and then go completely to the other side where they're like, well, I'm just gonna do what I want and whatever I want, you know, now it's my time. And you know, in some ways that can be beneficial because it pulls someone out of self sacrificing mode. You know, there's that in the book Not Nice. I talk about the selfish spectrum. So imagine a scale, right? On the one side of the scale, the left side of the scale, you have extreme lack of selfishness. That would be called self sacrificing. I don't even know what I want. Whatever you want is great. Live my life based upon whatever I think you want, right? And that's maybe where you've lived, maybe not every area of your life, but maybe you do that in romantic relationships, or you do that with family members, or you do that in certain relationships. The complete opposite end of that scale is total selfishness, which is like, screw you, I got mine, I don't care. And you can see how both of those are dysfunctional. And what we want to do is we want to find that happy medium. But sometimes if someone has been self sacrificing for a really long time and then they move forward or up the scale towards selfishness, it actually puts them more in the middle of the range and it feels really unfamiliar or perhaps self centered to them. And it is more self centered, but it is not necessarily dysfunctional or problematic other than the judgments they might have of their own mind of not being a nice person. But it can actually be very functional and very useful. So my goal for you, if you want to choose to adopt it, your goal for yourself would be to be able to choose when to say yes and when to say no. That's the first step, right? Because if you can't choose it and you compulsively have to say yes to whatever people want, then you're not really guiding your own life. And when you can choose it, it doesn't mean you have to always say no. That's the flip side, right? It's like, I do what I want. No, no, no, no. Say, well, maybe I will take something on, maybe I will extend myself. Maybe I will do something I don't entirely want because I know overall it's better for the system. And this becomes very clear in relationships which are not cut and dry, Especially relationships with family, parents, spouse, kids. There's a lot of stuff going on there that maybe you don't. It's not 100%. I do whatever I want, whenever I want. I mean, there's responsibilities and things that you've agreed to or committed to that you need to follow through on. And so sometimes people will again go back to a simplistic mode of like, well, I'll just do whatever my wife wants, or I'll just do whatever my parents want, or I'll just do whatever my kids need. And it seems simple and maybe even seems loving. But now you've again fallen off of really being able to choose. So step number one is be able to choose. How do you choose? We gotta practice being able to do the thing that you don't normally do. Practice saying no, practice claiming something for yourself, taking on less or maybe even taking on more. But for yourself, for your own well being. Let me give some practical examples here. So this isn't just totally abstract. So in family life, I get to see this all the time because there's needs of the kids, obviously, Candace, my wife, has things that she wants and needs. There's things that I want and need. And we're kind of navigating that whole system now. In the past, I used to just defer. This is even before Candace, my relationships were pretty dysfunctional where I was just like, whatever you need, honey. And I didn't really know myself at all. With Candace, I'm definitely much better at knowing what is it that I need, what do I want, and being able to ask for that, being able to claim that, and at the same time, sometimes not doing something or giving something or extending myself. So one thing that has come up in our relationship sometimes is that I will take little trips or day, two, day and a half trips myself, by myself. I often like to combine them with hiking somewhere. So I'll be gone, you know, for a day and a half to spend a whole day out in the mountains hiking something, somewhere. And you know, that will put certain strains on her. You know, she's got to take on more, put the kids to bed. And then we got a puppy about four months ago. So then there's even more on her. And I remember when we first got the Puppy, which was 100%, I railroad railroaded the puppy through. No, that's not true. It was a very collaborative process in which I, you know, wanted to make sure that Candace was on board. She had the right of refusal. But I was definitely, if it wasn't for me, the puppy would not have happened. Let's just put it that way. And part of the agreement was like, hey, I'm gonna do the lion's share of taking care of the puppy. In fact, he's asleep right now. Yeah, he's asleep mostly. It's great. While I work, I'm with him in the morning, take him with me to the office. During lunch break, I'll take him out, do stuff with him. Then I'm with him in the afternoon. The evenings is when I run some of my group programs. And Candace will sometimes take him in the evenings. And sometimes I'm responsible, sort of. The plan was like, hey, if you want to take the kids to a movie or whatever, I'll always figure out a way to take care of the dog, and I'll be responsible for. For his care. And of course, you know, everyone in the family is involved, and everyone loves him now, but I'm sort of the primary care. But if I'm like, hey, I'm gonna be gone for a day and a half. See, I'm going to the mountains, then she's got to be responsible for now the two kids and the dog. And so when we first got the puppy, it was challenging. It limited our life. You know, it restricted. We're still in that phase to some degree. But I felt guilty. I felt like, oh, I took this on, and now it's more on Candace. And so I didn't ask for anything for myself. I didn't claim anything and say, hey, I need this time, because I don't want to put any more burden on her. It's already too much. I did that for a couple months. And then at some point, I was like, you know what? I got to do these things. And look, in a relationship, giving or asking for what you want, or if you have some idea that it's going to be comfortable and easy and no friction, and you say, hey, honey, I want to do this. And your partner's like, oh, great. Do whatever you desire, my darling. I have no feelings about it whatsoever. Like, it's never gonna happen. And so the goal is not just this total smooth, false niceness with each other. It's realness. It's like, hey, this is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I'm asking for. You know? And then she. So I remember I said, hey, I want to go around Mount Hood in a day. And she's kind of like, oh, man. Like, We. We were planning on doing that together, and then we got this puppy, and I haven't been able to train. And somehow you've been able to get your training in still. I was like, yeah, kinda. And. And she. She was upset. That's okay. She didn't say, like, I'm upset. No, you can't do it. And I didn't say, oh, you're upset. Okay, I won't do it. You just sit in the upset. You be with it. And this has taken me years of training, and I'm still not perfect at it. Of course I'll feel guilt, and then I'll want to, like, shut down her feelings, or I'll want to withdraw, or I'll want to not do the thing I said I wanted to do. And it's taken me. It's like repetition. It's like lifting a weight. You get stronger at being able to say, hey, here's what I'm looking for. And you also get better at asking more tenderly, more skillfully, because when you feel like, I gotta get this and they owe it to me, or if they say, no, it's not okay, and you come in kind of hard, it leads to more of that conflict and tension. It becomes a bit more of a power struggle versus coming in with more vulnerability and saying, hey, this is something I'm hungering for. I really would like to do this. I know it puts a lot on you. This is what I'm imagining. Could I do it on this day? Let's talk about it. Would this day work for you? How do you feel about that? Do you see how that is? It's not apologetic. It's not like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm a bad guy, but I want to do this thing. You know, it's not like that, but it is like acknowledging the impact and then asking with clarity. And so that's an example of me asking for more, receiving more. And there's other times. Well, here's the thing about. You see, in relationships, when you're willing to do that and you have that difficult conversation and the person says, yes, what are you then more inclined to do? Not from guilt or obligation, like you have to, but you're just more inclined to reciprocate. That's how humans are. Relationships are reciprocal. So if Candace is like, yeah, I'll watch the shadow. That's a puppy's name. Shadow Wolf Ninja is his official name. I'll be with him, and you can go do the thing, then what am I more inclined to do? Hey, you want to work out in the mornings or whatever? Like, yeah, I got the boys and the dog. Let's do this. Let's figure out a way for you to have what you need. Or if she wants to go somewhere for a day or a weekend or whatever. Like, yeah, let's figure out. Let's help you get what you need. So there's this natural reciprocation. Now, imagine the converse of that, the opposite of that, where it's like, I'm afraid to ask, so then I don't, and now I'm kind of resentful. And then she wants to go do something, and I'm, like, kind of dragging my feet because, like, why should you go be able to do this? Because I wasn't able to do that. And you can see how it can get pretty toxic in relationships pretty quickly without anyone even fighting. Just a lot of like, oh, no, you want to do that thing? It's not going to work for me, honey, because I got this, this and that. I'm sorry. And look, I'm being nice. I'm saying sorry. But underneath that is a lot of walls and resentment and basically passive aggression. So it's so much more effective to just ask and claim. And sometimes you just need to step up and give more. So one of my sons, a younger one five year old, was having more this generally. I was reading a book about development, and this starts in earnest at age 6. And I was like, well, he's a little early because he turned 6 in about a couple months. But, you know, he's like, delightful and high energy and then just enraged if he's not winning a game and throws the board across the table and, you know, screams out a curse word or just wants to break things. He just gets, like, you know, angry and defiant at times. And so, you know, learning how to work with that. And at times I'm kind of like, ugh, I want to get away from him. This is annoying, right? And what's needed there is not. Like, I need more time for myself, you know, like, deal with this. Candace to my wife, right? Like, no, what's needed more is me investing more energy, bringing more, even if I don't want to in that moment. I ultimately do want to, though, right? Because of what? Because I want the relationship with him. Because I want him to grow and develop, and he needs leadership and guidance. It's the same thing with a puppy. I go through these phases where when I first got him, I was like, I'm gonna train him so much. I'm Gonna do everything. Yeah, super owner. And then I got, you know, about a month ago, I got way more, you know, did more of these hiking trips and just day hikes and stuff. And I was having someone watch him during the day so I could go to the day hikes. And then I kind of was like, I don't feel like training you so much. I don't really want to. And it's subtle because my energy shifts and his energy shifts and he acts out a little bit more, and he's doing more annoying puppy things. And then you're like, ugh, I don't like this puppy. I want to get away from him more. And I saw that pattern, I looked at it, and I said, okay, this is not the way. Like, the way out isn't to wait it out until he's an adult, when it gets easier. The way is to step up and give more. Right now, he needs more energy, and that's sometimes what's needed to solve a problem. He's like, you want to get away? But actually what's needed is for you to invest more energy. And I don't mean that means doing a ton more things. It might, but it might just be, you know, that your partner needs you to listen and be more attentive. And it doesn't mean you do that for 20 hours a day. Just like 30 minutes of real deep connection, you know, maybe you're wanting to get away from something that's like, I need more time for myself. I don't want to do all these work projects or whatever. Maybe you do take some time off or whatever, but maybe what you need is, is to go in there and just crush it on those work projects and get a sense of progress and feel like you're getting ahead and winning as opposed to drowning in it. And I don't know the particulars of your life circumstances, but you do. And we gotta be honest with ourselves and say, is now a time to move in and do more and take on more, even if part of me resists it? Or is now a time to say, you know what? I need some for myself? And it's not either. Or, because I found the more I'm able to recharge myself and obviously the more I have to give. And this is one of those things that you've heard a million times. There's the cliche that I've heard so many times that annoys the hell out of me of like, you got to put your mask on first in the airplane, and then your child's mask it's like, ugh, get a better analogy, man. But people use it so much because it points to something true, which is like, if you are not sustained, if you're not giving yourself sustenance, then you are unable to consistently deliver what you can to others. And you're not able to grow because ultimately your capacity to give in relationships determines the quality of your relationships. Now you also need to be able to ask and receive. Because if you're all giving, and especially if you get into a relationship where it's taken advantage of, you might have done that in the past, that's bad news, right? But in general, assuming you're able to receive and ask and support yourself, and ask what you need for those that you love and claim things for yourself, know what you need. If you need self care, time, as long as you're able to do that, then you also want to be continually increasing your capacity to give generously. And that means give with an open heart. It could mean not necessarily giving away your items or possessions or things. It means giving your attention, giving love, giving what's needed. I mean, how often have you been in a certain social dynamic or relationship and you kind of know what's needed? This person just needs to be reassured right now. Or this person just needs to be told that I love them. Or this person just needs me to hold their hand. Or this person just needs me to listen to them. And you know it. But inside you're like, I don't wanna, I know what they want, but I don't wanna do it. Cause they don't deserve it. So that's growth right there. That's an opportunity for growth to grow in your capacity to be more compassionate, more loving, more generous, more giving. And that only grows that capacity which will improve all the relationships in your life. If you wanna have an extraordinary romantic relationship, I guarantee you that people that are in extraordinary relationships, both people in the couple, this could be heterosexual, homosexual, queer, it doesn't matter. Both people in that couple have a high capacity to give, but they also can receive what the other person gives. Because if it's all giving, then it gets imbalanced, right? So you want to cultivate that, but you can only cultivate that when you're also taking time for yourself, or in a sense, giving to yourself. So the giving isn't just about other people, it's about giving to yourself. So that's actually is a perfect segue into our action step. Time for action, action, action. Your action step is to just take a snapshot of your life Right now and see what do I need, what do I need to nourish myself? What's needed right now. Maybe get some good routines going, you know, some self care in the morning or you get to work out in the evenings or whatever your thing is. Maybe not. Maybe you had them and you've fallen out of them. Maybe you've never had them. Maybe for you it's a clockwork thing. Like every morning I do X, Y and Z and that helps me feel nourished. But maybe it's not. Maybe it's, hey, once a week I gotta go do blank. And I don't judge whatever it is. If you're like, I gotta go once a week, I gotta, you know, just eat some edible cannabis and eat a pizza and watch a movie. And then I feel happy, enlightened, recharged after that and then I'm good for another week. That's fine, whatever. I don't care what nourishes you. Obviously if it's something that has a really toxic effect over time, like I gotta get Hammer blackout drunk every three days to feel self care, I'd challenge that one. Right? But you know, if it's something that's not too deleterious in your life, doesn't have a major consequence, hey, whatever it is, so don't think it has to be this pure. Like, I gotta meditate every day because sometimes people think of their self care and they pile it on all this kind of perfectionistic achievement stress. And I'm like, maybe some things. Like, you know, I find for me, having some time in space and silence is really nourishing every day. Some time outside every day is really good for me. Some time in motion is really good for me. And then there's the stuff that I, you know, I know that I need to do it, so I do it. Like some stretching and mobility is really good because I have a very active life and I want to keep it that way for as many years as possible. And I always want to take on more physically. And that's like the foundation. My trainer says that that's like your, it's like brushing your teeth. It's like hygiene. Just do it every day, right? I know time with my wife, time with my kids, time to connect with friends and family. Now I don't do every, you know, I don't talk to every single friend or do everything every day, but I know it's like, oh, you know, a couple times a week I need to touch base with a friend just to just, I know I need that and like, you know, here's about the physical amount of physical activity that I want to be able to do. How do I find that? How do I create that in my life? And I want you to reflect on what is it that I need to nourish myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And you don't have to go from 0 to 100 and have it all figured out right now. I don't know, maybe it takes some time. I've been tweaking and enhancing and altering and updating and upgrading my, what I call it the ultimate schedule, which I teach about in. It's in the career acceleration course, part of Confidence University. If you want to go check that out, you can go to theconfidenceuniversity.com but in there, I describe how you create this ultimate schedule. And It's a version 1.0 and then a 2.0 and a 3.0 and a 4.0, and you keep tweaking it out. And sometimes I would have to create this ultimate schedule, like, what's version 1.3? Or whatever. I can't start implementing that for another month. But then I go out a month in my Google Calendar and I start to move things around. Like, when would I want to wake up, when would I want to go to bed, when would I want to work out, when would I spend time with my kids, when would I spend time with my wife, when would I talk to a friend? And look, you don't map every moment of your life out. It's not realistic and you're probably not going to stick to it, but you are able to start to see what are the big things that I need. And then you run that schedule. You run that plan for a little bit and see if does it support you? Does it nourish you? So your action step is to reflect on what are some of the things that I need right now. And maybe if you're doing some things consistently and it's nourishing you, great. Celebrate that, acknowledge that as a win. And then is there a little upgrade? Is there a tweak? Is there something I can add or take out that will continue to support me in getting what I need and that will support you in giving when you need to give. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.