When Your Confidence Disappears Once You Like Somebody...

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm gonna share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. I'm excited to be with you today because we're going to be tackling a topic that I think is pretty much universal when it comes to dating and relationships, and that is that maybe it's easy to be a little detached from the outcome early on. You know, when you first indicate you like someone over an app or even on the first date, you might be like, well, you know, I'm into them, but if it doesn't work out, I'll be okay. But then as. As time goes on or you find out you really do like them, that can start to create problems. Maybe you feel anxious, maybe it's harder to be yourself. These are definitely things that I relate to. And we had a question from a client who was at a live event recently with us who brought this up really well. So I wanted to talk about it, but I just don't want to talk about it with you. I also wanted to bring in the big guns, which is a dating and relationship experts on our coaching team. Coach Amber, thank you for being with us today.

Thanks for having me.

Awesome. I always love having you on here because you have a lot of great perspectives on these things. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to share a little bit more about his question so people can know kind of what we're going to be referencing today. But he was just recently at a live event that we did, the unlimited dating and relationship confidence event, and he said the event itself was life changing. I realized I truly didn't know what authentic communication looked like until coming to this event. I felt for once in my life I belonged, which is awesome. He also referenced you, Amber, and said that he wished he had a chance to talk with you more. But since the event, he's been listening to your podcast, Amber. And just for those listening, what's the name of your podcast?

The Women's Dating and Confidence Podcast, Right.

And in the show called Shrink for the Shy Guy, you might think there's some ships crossing in the night here, but this client who was a man, said in the email, I know the title is Women's Dating and Confidence, but I think it truly applies to everyone, which is awesome. Which is very much the case for this show as well. If you're a woman listening, you know that this stuff is universal, and that oftentimes the framing it for men or women is just part of getting your podcast discovered in a lot of ways. So here is the question that Amber and I are going to dig more into today. He goes on to thank you more for the presentation you did at the event. But he says, okay, here's the issue. He's very good when it comes to texting and having playful banter. He's very confident and authentic. And that lasts all the way, you know, through the first date where he feels like. He says he's, quote, a better version of himself, even. And then he notices that when he, quote, catches feelings for a girl, then this fear comes up where I'm afraid to lose her, and she may be really good for me, and I start filtering out what I say and seeking approval and just generally not being confident from that pressure. So he gets attached like, I need. I need her. Oh, man, I don't want to mess this up. And once I get the idea in my head that this is someone who I'd really like to be with and want a relationship with, that's when the confidence train just falls off the bridge and I'm actually less confident. And he says, I'm in the midst of this right now. It's happening again where he went on a date with this woman that he met on Tinder. And just as I got to know her more and started liking her more, I got more and more anxious before and in the beginning of a date. And he wonders, you know what? If I'm not cool and confident and extroverted, then she's going to stop liking me. And he starts kind of putting all this pressure on himself. So that is what we're going to be tackling today. Amber, do you have any just initial thoughts on this topic as we bring it up?

Yeah, I think he seems really focused on the pain of losing this girl more so than the pain of not opening up and being authentic. So it sounds like he's really focused on everything that could possibly go wrong if he doesn't have a relationship with this girl. But he's not realizing that there's also a lot of pain associated with not being authentic or vulnerable or showing your true self. And I think it would be really useful for him to focus on that as well. And the pain of not being authentic being greater than the possible pain of losing this person, so that he values being authentic more than this relationship.

Interesting. And I don't know if people even really think about or are aware of that perhaps because maybe have learned that it's not okay to be their authentic selves for so many years that that's not even an option. What have you seen is the pain of being not authentic.

Yeah. So actually, at the event, I think Ben, who is another coach on the team, he said it really well. I wish I had the direct quote, but he said something like, holding up a fake mask of yourself is exhausting. Because we were talking about how going into social situations where you're not being yourself can be really draining. And that's especially true in dating and relationships, because if you're going to be in a relationship with somebody, you're spending a lot of time with that person, and it's going to be extremely draining and exhausting if you're not feeling comfortable being yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. And there's this idea that, oh, my life would be better with this person in it. And I, you know, that's like. That's the premise. And there's like a level of certainty of that. Like, we're so sure of that. I know. No, it would be. I mean, because they're amazing and they're funny or they. Whatever, they're sexy and so amazing to be with them. And whatever our reasons are, we're totally certain that life's gonna be better with this person. And then, therefore, now I need to manipulate reality to ensure that that happens. And the problem with that is we don't even know that that's true. And especially what you're talking about here, Amber, is if you need. If you need to be something other than you are in order to make that happen, then it's definitely not true. And so even if you do win this person over, but you have to force yourself to be this confident, charming, extroverted, you know, Persona the whole time, then your life truly is not going to be better. And so I think that's this illusion that we cling to, and it can be very beneficial to question this. In fact, there's a. There's a client in the mastermind who's struggling with this, where there's this one woman that he's pursuing, and it's like, no, she is the one. And because they dated at one point several years ago and he was madly in love with her and then they broke up. She broke up with him several years later, they reconnected and he really wants to go for it again. And so he's like, I'm just going to give it my all. I've grown so much. I'm more expressive, I'm more authentic. Like, I'm going to the ways that I was holding back before. I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to go for this. And you know, in the group we kind of support him. Like, yeah, you know, go for it. Take a shot, see, See what happens. And so he does. And sure enough, she's, yeah, you know, she likes to talk to him, but she's not really a hell yes for going further in dating and romantic connection and all that. And he's just a basket case about it. Like, I should have said this and now I was too needy there. I need to do that and I should have done this. And there's a lot of mental manipulation going on. And what I was sharing with him as I was like, well, when it's someone that you're meant to be with, you don't have to like work so hard. It's not meant to be a chess match where if you. One false move and you're dead. It's like, if it's that hard, then no matter how amazing you think that person is and what a great fit you think they are for you, they're not because they're not available, they're not open to you. And that's a big prerequisite.

Yeah, and I think people get that mixed up because we always hear that relationships are work. And that's true once you're in a relationship. But I also agree that in the beginning when you're just starting to get to know somebody, it should really be super easy. Like it shouldn't be that hard to get along with this person and you shouldn't have to work super hard to get them to want to spend time with you.

Yeah, that's such a key point. I think that's there's so much going on there, so much unconscious, like, how much do I deserve attention and love and someone to want to be with me? And I think a lot of people with underlying lack of self esteem and confidence might not even imagine that someone could want to spend time with them without them efforting and making it happen. And maybe that's the dynamic in all their Relationships, they're the ones who reach out. And so I think really realizing it should flow. And in fact, I'm. I used to do this. If I would go on a date and it felt hard or effortful or the conversation didn't flow, I would immediately look at me and be like, what's wrong with me? I should be more talkative, or, why didn't I know what to say there? Instead of realizing, well, if it's hard to talk to them, maybe that's a sign that it's not a good fit. Because the people that you click with, it's just conversation, just flows.

Yeah. And so as an action step, I actually think it'd be a good idea for him to write out the potential costs of not being vulnerable, because he's really focused on the cost of being vulnerable and her not liking it and what could go wrong if he is vulnerable. But there's also a lot of pain involved with not being vulnerable. So I think it would be useful for him to think about that as well and get to a point where, like, in dating, I feel like I'd rather be single than be with somebody where I can't be myself and can't be comfortable, and I'm not going to settle for that anymore. And I'd rather be alone than be with somebody where, like, I don't feel that connection and it's not easy.

How did you get to that place? Cause I think that's a very healthy place to be, to create a relationship from. And yet I know a lot of people think that's the right way to be, but I don't feel that way. Like, I hate being alone. I'm sick and tired of being alone. I just want somebody. And then from that, you know, comes maybe, you know, less authenticity or pressure to make something work because they just hate being alone. So how do you help clients or what do you do with that when someone is like, I just really, really don't want to be alone?

Yeah. So I think if you're in that place, it's a little bit harsh, but I think it's important to hear. Nobody wants to save you from being single. Nobody wants to. Like, you can't be hating your life, and they're the savior who takes you out of that. People want to convince you to leave your single life to be with them rather than, like, your life is so shitty that they're doing you a favor by taking. Does that make sense?

That's right. Got it. Hide the shittiness of your life on the first Date, so they don't know.

But what I mean by that is that you have to enjoy your life as a person by yourself first. And so a lot of people, when they want to improve their dating life, they only think about improving their dates and improving the way they interact with other people. But another part of improving your dating life is improving your single life, like your hobbies and your friendships and your career and everything else that isn't directly related to dating, so that you're actually happy with your life as it is. And it's not like you feel completely empty without a relationship. And so that was a huge one for me because I definitely felt that way. I felt like I was incomplete without a boyfriend. And it took some time of developing my own life outside of men to feel like I didn't need a guy right now to save me from the torture that is my life.

Yeah, absolutely. I think that's very important for everyone to see, for confidence in relationships and in life is that, yes, connection and love are essential aspects of life. And ultimately we do need those things, but we don't need them like Oxygen, where if you don't have it for three minutes, you're going to die. And it's. And it's like. And the idea that love and connection only comes through romantic relationship is also false. And so the more you can find ways to connect and create vibrant life, that not only is going to make you have much better selectiveness for your relationships and being a. Being able to choose what's right for you not from a place of desperation, but from what really is going to enhance your life, but it also makes you a lot more attractive to people because what you're saying, it's like, oh, wow, their life is awesome. And maybe awesome is extreme. That's a goal, right? And even if you're improving your life, just that and finding the things you enjoy and doing the activities that you like and building friendships that are meaningful is going to enhance that, because then you're not alone. Quote, unquote. You. You are connected. But here's a question I have for you, Amber, is. So let's go back to this exact situation because I know someone's listening and be like, all right, but what about, you know, that first date? I'm charming and interesting and. And all that stuff. And then I start to feel really nervous, and I know I should let go and I. I shouldn't be attached. And, you know, not for the best if she doesn't want to be with me anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but deep down, like, inside, I'm like, I want her or I want him, and. And as a result, I do feel anxious, but I'm so. I'm willing to try being vulnerable, but I'm feeling anxious and nervous. So do I say that on the date like, hey, I'm really attached and into you, and now I'm nervous? Or what Is being vulnerable really mean in this situation?

Yeah, that's a really good question. Because first of all, I don't want to imply that you shouldn't feel at all like, when you value a relationship that you're developing with somebody, you kind of are invested in the result, and that's normal. And I remember in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, as I was getting to know him more and more, I started feeling like that raw. I guess you could describe it as anxiety, because I started to realize, like, oh, wow, he could definitely. Like, if he left me right now, I'd be shattered for a really long time because I was more invested in him. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think at the event, you were also talking about how that's actually a healthy process to go through as you're getting to know somebody and as you're dating somebody, is that you lean a little bit on them and that we have this idea that we're supposed to be completely independent, where if they left, it wouldn't affect you standing exactly the same way. But actually, once you're getting to know somebody and you're investing in that relationship, you're kind of becoming a little bit more dependent on them. And if they were to leave you, you'd probably stumble and fall or get hurt. And I don't think that we need to avoid that completely. And it's actually okay to feel a little bit vulnerable and a little bit nervous about opening up and becoming more attached to this person.

Absolutely.

And so it sounds like in his question, he's wanting to avoid that completely, to not be attached whatsoever and not care if she leaves. But actually, I think that's a natural process of, like, becoming closer with somebody. Oh, and also about your other question of if he should share that with her. So my boyfriend did that with me when we were first dating. Like, in the first month, he said something to me. He said, if you were to break up with me now, I think I'd be heartbroken for a year or something like that. And I was like, holy shit. Oh, no. And I got, like, really anxious, and I, like, felt a lot of pressure from that So I don't know that I would advise somebody to say it in that way, because I felt like it made me feel like there was a lot of pressure on me to, like, not hurt him. So, yeah, I don't know that I would recommend saying it in that way. Maybe you have an idea, like, opening up about that in a more like, just a way that doesn't put so much pressure on the other person.

Well, I love what you're. You're bringing up. And one is that it's human to get attached and connect with someone. And the people, like, I mean, what is the act of falling in love other than one person's really into that? The other person, and then the other person reciprocates, and they're like, yeah, wow, you're thinking about me, I'm thinking about you. Yeah. And then it's great, and it's beautiful, and it's like this kind of infatuation phase and this love that can and that blossoms into a deeper desire to be together. So I think that's. There's nothing wrong with that. I do think that how we bring it up is really an interesting question, because there is a truth to something around pacing, and are they on the same page? And sometimes people can misinterpret our expressions. And so I don't think there's a right way to do it. I don't think we want to overthink it like a chess match either. And you want to speak from the heart, but know that. And in this case with your boyfriend, it worked out well despite that pressure. Right. So he was, in a way, like, kind of testing, you know, how much can she hear? But I think that in the first revealing, being more clear about, like, what's really about this person and what's about my own fantasies and projections and stuff that I'm bringing with me. So if it's like, wow, I really loved our last date, like, that was awesome, and I'm excited. I want to spend more time with you. In fact, I noticed that on the first date, I was, like, super cool, charming guy. And now I'm kind of nervous because I'm. I like being with you. And so I'm actually feeling. I was kind of anxious before this date. Like, that's being very open and authentic. And that's different than saying, like, you know, wow, you are amazing. Like, I don't think I've ever met anyone in my life like you. And I know this is gonna sound kind of crazy, but after our date, I was imagining, like, what would our kids look like? And just a life together. I don't wanna freak you out. I mean, I'm not saying we're gonna do any of that, but I'm just like, wow, I've never felt like this with anyone in my life. Like, maybe that's true, right? That's true. In your experience. But if you say that on date two, that's pretty intense. And so it's a pacing issue. So in the first one, I am still being vulnerable because maybe that's all going on behind the scenes. I am fantasizing about our kids together, but I'm just revealing that I'm nervous and I like them. And that's a bit more of a. A nice. It's a little morsel that the other person can chew on. The other one's like, here's a seven course meal. Do you want to sign on the papers tonight? Do you want to get married? And it can be a lot on someone. Even if they do are into you, they might get a little skittish with that level of intensity. So that would be my thoughts on pacing and how much to reveal.

Yeah. And also because I know him and we've talked about this before, I also know that he has a fear that women will feel like. Like women think it's weak when a guy is vulnerable about things from his past or insecurities or feeling anxious and stuff like that. And like, one thing that I thought of when reading your question was if you're only ever being joking, like you're only joking around all the time or keeping things very playful and surface level the whole time. As a woman, if I went on a date with somebody who wasn't comfortable being a little bit more vulnerable, I would think that maybe they're not very mature. So I would think maybe that he wasn't really comfortable having a more in depth conversation with me and that would affect my decision to continue dating him or like seeing him as somebody that I want to be more serious with.

Yeah, this is such a great point you're making because it reminds me of the fundamental error that people make when it comes to dating. And we talk about this at live event, which is, oh, that's the person. I'm really into them. Let me figure out how to make this work. And all of a sudden, after that moment when you decide like, this is the one, I gotta make this work, we're no longer even really clearly seeing the other person. We're just so focused on our outcome of getting them and getting their approval and Getting them to like us because I need this, that we stop assessing, like, does this feel good? Is this person able to meet me in the ways that matter to me? And one thing that is clear that matters to you and I think a lot of people is to be able to communicate with each other. Like, can this person handle a real conversation? I wouldn't want to be with someone where we both have to have our masks on all the time and we don't actually reveal how we're really feeling. And I've been on dates where that does seem to be the woman's M.O. like that's how she is and she doesn't really take the guard down and isn't really that authentic maybe, but I don't. It doesn't seem that way in the relationships that I see in her life and other things. And in the past I would feel a sense of, well, I need to make this work. And then as I got more confidence, it was more like, I don't know if I really like that. It's very important for me to have someone who's very good at communication. That's what I'm looking for. I'm not sure if this is right for me. And so it's getting really clear on what matters to you. And for him when he's talking in the email, it's clear that he obviously values connection and being seen for who he is and that real communication that kind of blew his mind at the event. So obviously that's a must for him and he wants to start being the selector and, and filtering and being like, well, in a way this is a test. Can she. In a way that maybe your boyfriend was doing that too. Right? Can this person handle me and handle basic feelings and conversations about feelings and if not, eh, better to find that out on date two than six months into the relationship.

And I think another fear that comes up for a lot of guys is that women aren't attracted to men with flaws or insecurities. And I was telling somebody recently, like, that is not true at all for me because first of all, I think a lot of us know that we just don't relate with people who are perfect. We don't feel like we're on the same level as them and so we don't feel very connected with them. But also beyond that, as a woman, if I feel like I'm talking to a guy who never feels insecure or never has any emotional challenges whatsoever, or at least he doesn't reveal that to me. And so that's the impression that he gives off. I also wouldn't feel comfortable sharing those things about me with him because I would feel like he doesn't really get me or he can't really understand me at a deep level because he's never experienced that himself. And so I don't want to date a guy who is perfect or doesn't have any insecurities or challenges or things that he's working on because I don't think he would really understand me and I don't think we could really like, I don't think he could support me in a long term relationship and I don't think he could really understand me at a like, like know my soul if he doesn't go through those things himself.

Absolutely. And there are a lot of people that have lived thus far in their lives avoiding authentic real communication and conversations and don't reveal themselves to anyone. And what you're saying is true, they haven't developed that capacity. And so if you were to come to them with a real problem or challenge, which inevitably is going to happen beyond date two, let's say you're actually in a relationship with that person and then you have a hard day at work or there is something going on in your life or your grandma gets sick or there's like stuff that happens and then now you're really bonded to them. You spent all this time together and then you find out, like, you try to bring it up and they're like, well, here's what you need to do. Oh, you know, don't have feelings about your grandma. I didn't have feelings about my grandma when she got sick. You're just like, oh man, this is, oh no, what have I done? And so you want to test early. Can this person really handle that? And if you're listening and you're like, oh, I don't know if I can handle that. Good. Well, you're here and you're learning and it's one of the most valuable skills you can develop is to be able to unveil yourself and share vulnerably and hear other people do the same and not hastily shut it down as unfortunately as what often happens. Well, you know, better days are coming.

Very good.

You want to drink. You know, we just kind of move on or we just get really awkward and they say something and they reveal. They kind of pour out like, wow, I've been having a really hard time in my marriage and I've been thinking about a divorce. And you're just like, oh, that sounds pretty serious, man. Yeah, all right, anyway, you want to get some dinner, you know, and you just, like, you shut down or you get awkward, or you just tell them, like, give them some hasty advice to make it go away. And that's a problem. That's a problem for your friendships. That's a problem for your. It's a big time problem for your romantic relationship. And if that is something that you struggle with, you're going to want to dedicate the next chunk of your months of your life to really learning how to do this. And there's tons of resources. A fantastic book is called Getting Real by Susan Campbell. Nonviolent Communication is another great book. You could also check out Confidence University. There is a whole course on social mastery there on how to really be with people and share powerfully, vulnerably, expressively. And there's so many resources out there. It's not a matter of if there's tools out there, it's just a willingness to learn it. And then once you learn it, then you start to demand that in a way, like it's a requirement for you to be in a relationship. Just like Amber is saying she's not going to be in a relationship with someone who can't do that. So you already threw one down. But now is a good time for our action step. Time for action, action, action. So the one action step, what was the one that you suggested earlier?

To write out the potential costs of not being vulnerable and not showing up authentically.

Yeah. Awesome. And then mine would be just exactly the last thing I said there, which is to enhance your ability to communicate vulnerably. And that might be literally learning things from resources that I mentioned earlier or, you know, a lot already. That's often the case. People have read a lot or they know a lot, or they even have an intuitive sense, and it's just a matter of doing it. So practicing being more authentic with a friend, a colleague, someone you're on a date with. And what I found, and I'm curious about your experience as we conclude here, Amber. What I found is that when I started to take the risk to be more real on dates, instead of it going terribly and being judged, I found it so much more relieving. And I could just be me and somehow just naming a feeling like, oh, I'm feeling nervous right now, or whatever, it dissipates the energy. I don't have to hide it anymore. And then I can just be right back in that moment. And for the most part, I mean, I got occasional weird looks or a woman didn't like it. But for the most part, my dates got a lot better. My dating life improved a lot. I felt more secure and comfortable and confident, and it ultimately led to me finding, you know, the best life partner for me. What was your experience of that?

Yeah, I definitely think in my experience, when I was a leader in doing that and I was the first person to kind of be more vulnerable and authentic, it gave them permission to do that as well. So it just made the interaction better overall. And so maybe if, if they're not that comfortable with it, you can be the leader and you can take the initial steps to do that, and that will make them feel more comfortable to do that as well.

Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, you got to be willing to. You gotta be willing to do it first if that's important to you in life. Awesome. Well, thank you for sharing insights and wisdom, Amber. Always a pleasure to have you on the show.

Of course. Thank you so much for having me.

And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sa.