Who Cares What They Think?

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to.

Shrink for the Shy Guy. Helping men everywhere go from social anxiety.

To social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz. Hey. Welcome to this week's episode of Shrink with a Shy Guy. Today we're going to be getting into the core fear that holds so many of us back when it comes to putting ourselves out there, speaking up, being free, doing whatever it is that you want to do in your life, what you be doing if you weren't held back by any sort of fear or self doubt, whatever that thing is, there's a force that's stopping you. And that force is what they will think. And they is in quotations here what they're gonna think of me. In fact, that's why the name of the show is called who cares what they Think. And by the end of the show, you're gonna have that sense of learning how to let go of that fear and how to really be guided by. By your own internal force rather than outside forces and what you fear other people are going to judge you about. So before we get into that, check out the show on my website, shrinkforthshyguy.com because if you go there, not only can you get the show notes and get the transcripts of the show, but you can also send me a voicemail directly through the website for free. Goes into my inbox, and then I can listen to your message and respond to your questions here on the show. In fact, I'm going to be answering a question in a bit on this show. That is, that's how someone got ahold of me. You can also call the show hotline at 206-338-3176 and leave a message and I can hear it. Ask me a question, leave a comment, and I'll be sure to respond in an upcoming podcast. This way I'm getting a sense of what you. That's right. You really want to learn. I'll respond to your questions absolutely. You can also follow the show for updates at Twitter, go to Shyguy Shrink on Twitter. That's Shyguy Shrink. You can follow the show there and of course, Facebook, Facebook.com shrinkforthyguy so this big inhibiting force, what will they think? Do you do that in your mind? Do you consciously ask yourself, what are they gonna think? Or maybe it just comes across as a tension in your body or a desire to go do something, but then stopping yourself feeling restricted, maybe you don't even go so far as to imagine what they're Going to think you just have this force field around you that's keeping you inhibited. And it can inhibit everything, right? It can inhibit not just what you go do, if you're going to go, say, dance or sing or apply for that job or whatever. That's the big stuff. But it can inhibit how you move. It can inhibit how much you gesture when you talk, what facial expressions you allow yourself to have. I was working with one guy who. His face looked like it was sort of frozen in stone. He looked like a statue. And so I said that to him. I said, my friend, you look like a statue. And I got into this statue pose just to tease him and play with him and break his pattern a little bit. And sure, he smiled in that moment, but his smile is kind of tight and restricted, and there's so much inhibition in his body, because what are they going to think if I get too wacky with my energy, if I'm too big, if I gesture a lot, if I smile too much, if I use my face in the wrong way? Then they're going to judge me. And it comes across in all areas, right? Creative endeavors like singing and dancing, sports, even just sharing your thoughts and feelings, sharing what you think. Like, wow, I think you're really beautiful, or I disagree with what you're saying, or you're losing me in this conversation. Let's talk about something else. All that stuff becomes off limits because, hey, they might judge you. I was really struck by the power of this and how early it starts in our lives. Not too long ago, I was driving back from somewhere in southern Oregon with my wife and little baby, and we were stopped at a park and she could feed him. And we took him out of the car because he doesn't like long stretches. He's like six months old. And we're sitting in this beautiful park. It's a bright, sunny day. Green grass as far as the eye can see, trees, blue sky. And the weather in Oregon, when it's nice, is just incredible. And down, way across the other side of the field, I saw a couple of kids playing baseball with their dad. And they were taking turns pitching, and the dad was hitting it, and one of the kids was pitching to the other kid at one point. And they were maybe like, I don't know, 10, 11 years old, maybe even younger, maybe eight or nine. And one of them threw a pitch and it didn't even reach the other kid. It just, like flubbed into the ground, like two feet in front of him. You know, just an ordinary mistake. And the Kid who was holding the bat, like puts both his hands up in the air and said, what was that? And the kid who'd done the pitch, you could tell even from really far away, I could see that he like his shoulders slumped a little bit because I pay attention to people's body language, right? He, his shoulders slumped a little bit and he just kind of looked a little deflated and he said it was a bad pitch. Okay. And he was kind of defending himself, kind of feeling bad about himself. But isn't that, that's what we're all worried about, right, Is doing something and someone stopping and saying, excuse me, what the hell is that? You call that dancing? You call that singing? You call that whatever your chosen profession is, you call that lawyering or whatever it is that you're worried about showing yourself fully? You call that. How dare you express those feelings. You are attracted to me. Oh my God. Get away from me. That's what we're fearing. They are going to judge us. What does this lead to? Well, this fear leads to what I call the anger ever shrinking comfort zone. So what that means, and I'm sure you've heard this in previous episodes, I'll give you the 10 second version if you haven't. Your comfort zone is everything you do that feels comfortable. The way you move, the way you talk, what you do, where you go, how you drive to work, what you eat, how much you put yourself out there, that's your comfort zone. And when you got to do something that's outside of the comfort zone, like maybe go walk up and talk to a stranger that you've never talked to before, or go to a job interview or give a public talk or something and you feel anxious. And so when you're really worried about what they are going to think of you and you're really controlled by this fear, then here's what happens. You start to avoid the activities that could bring on judgment. So you won't sing, you won't dance, you won't go talk to that person you're attracted to. You won't use your voice in compelling ways. It might start to become more of a monotone. Yes. I don't want to express anything that will make people judge me. You won't make that joke. You won't be spontaneous and just do something, say something, be a certain way. So what happens is your comfort zone shrinks and shrinks and shrinks and you start to be able to do less and less and fewer and fewer behaviors and then life just sucks. Trust me, I'm speaking from personal experience here, there was a point where my life was so constricted. It consisted of. I was in college at the time at UC Santa Barbara. Going to class, not interacting with anyone in my classes, just taking notes, going home, playing maybe three or four hours of computer games. Warcraft 3 was a favorite at the time. Hanging out with my roommate, who was a good buddy, so at least I had a friend. Hey, Watching some tv, going to bed, maybe going to the gym, doing it again. That was my zone. So, dancing, talking to new people, making new friends, going to parties, meeting women. No, none of that. All because I was afraid of what are they gonna think? So right now in your life, how are you inhibiting yourself? Because you're afraid of what they're gonna think. That's why I'm telling these stories and bringing this up in this first segment. So you really get associated to how limited your life can be if you're controlled by this fear. So pay attention in your own life as you're listening. Where am I holding myself back because of what they might think of me? And sometimes it's not obvious, right? You don't actually walk around in your head thinking, what are they gonna think? You're just like, dance? No, I don't want to wanna know? Thanks. Not my thing. Not interested in it. Go apply for that job. No, no, this probably wouldn't work out anyway, so I don't wanna do it. You just quickly discount it. So here's what I want you to do. Start paying attention to where you're doing that. And underneath is there a fear about what they are going to think. So think on that. We're going to take a brief break and we're going to get back to getting more into this fear. How it's controlling your life, how you can start to break free of it. And ultimately how you can go after what you want and be unrestricted by this concern. Talk to you in a second.

Who dares disturb me?

Hey there.

Ah, Dirk. A level 7 football warrior. Tis indeed rare to see one of your class here in the nerd dungeon. Which test do you seek help with this time?

It's not about tests, Nerd King. I've been hearing how much you've helped other guys with their women. And I came here to see if you could maybe help me too, perhaps.

What is the nature of your challenge? And try not to use any big words.

Well, it's Theresa, man. I mean, we've been going steady for like three months. And at first it was great, you know, but lately she's been ignoring me and talking to other guys. She says that she loves me, but it feels different now, man.

It sucks.

Hmm.

Yes.

Well, dump her. Dump her like a Tatooinean wombat.

What?

Kick her to the curb and quest for a new wench.

I can't do that, man. I love her. Mmm.

I see. Clearly you are a lawful neutral character. To dump her would be out of alignment for you. Let's see. I've got it. There is another way.

Really? What is it?

You must venture down into the bowels of the school. Beneath the basement rooms, you will find the crypt. Continue downwards, and beneath the crypt, you will begin to enter into the hell realms. There you will find the evil one known as the Butcher. You must slay him and acquire his cleaver. Then take the cleaver to Cain in the village, where you should trade it for a silver ring.

Wait, wait. Okay, go. Go to a butcher and get a cleaver.

Not just any butcher. The Butcher. In the hell realms. Beneath the bowels of the school. Good heavens. Have you not played Diablo?

Diablo? I didn't go to Spanish class.

I do not have time for this. I have a limited sealed magic. The Gathering Draft Tournament starting in just five minutes. I need to review the latest card combination, so get out.

But. But I need. I need your help, man.

I am afraid I cannot help you. Your intelligence stat is just too low. Go on now and practice making gold baskets or some other sports thing.

Are you tired of women giving you the runaround? Perhaps going on one date and then not calling you back or seeming to lose interest? This is an incredibly frustrating experience. And I personally had this happen to me many times in my life, more than I'd like to admit. But there is something you can do about it. You can transform from the inside out once you understand the foundation of confidence when it comes to dating and creating. Creating attraction and relationships. To get started on your journey Today, go to www.30daystodatingmastery.com. That's www.30daystodatingMastery.com and you'll get access to a free ebook I've written called 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women Anywhere, Anytime. And in that program, you'll also learn how to how to go beyond starting conversations to flirting, teasing, creating attraction, all by being yourself, not by doing any sort of weird pickup artist things. You can be genuine, honest and authentic and create the success that you want in relationships and find the love that you need in your life. Hey. Welcome back. Now we're going to get into a question that I received via the website, via the hotline. Remember? 206-338-3176. Call, leave me a message. I love to hear it. Either it's a question on the show that I can answer or maybe just how the show has impacted you. Any progress you're making. I just love hearing that other people out there are learning what I learned and changing their lives for the better. It fills me up with joy and it's honestly why I do all this stuff. So leave me a message on the hotline. 206-338-3176. I got a message the other day from a guy named Anzal and here is what it is. I wrote it down word for word and he said, Dr. Aziz, I lose confidence and become nervous while meeting people, sometimes even my friends. I always think in my mind whether they're mocking or teasing me. And then suddenly my face becomes nervous and my thoughts go to other things and I get really distracted. Could you please advise me on how to overcome this? Anzel so Anzel yes, this is a really common problem. In fact, it relates directly what this show is about, which is what do they think? What are they going to think of me? And that is what you are going to when you get nervous around people and you are concluding and assuming, like many of us when we're shy or anxious, that people are going to criticize, judge, mock or tease you. And my guess is in your case, Anzal, and many of the people listening in my case as well, that you might have experienced a lot of this at one point in your life, maybe when you were a kid, maybe when you were in middle school, something where you got a lot of this teasing or mocking or judging. So it started to show you in your mind, in your identity that that's how people are going to treat you. And these experiences can be really painful in shape us, but they don't have to be permanent and we can shift them. In fact, that's what I help people do all day long. So let me give you a few things to work with and you can learn how to break free of this. And I think anyone listening can relate to this fear. What if people are going to mock or judge me? So first, the first thing to do to break free is we have to identify specifically what you imagine they are mocking you for. We usually don't go this far, right? We usually don't get to this next step. We're just like, oh, they're going to make fun of me, not going to do it we never investigate, we never examine, we never explore. So really go into this in your mind. And if you're listening along to this and you're take a situation that, just like Anzahl's, that applies in your life. Maybe it's starting a conversation with people you don't know. Maybe it's walking over and creating an interaction with someone you're really attracted to. Maybe it's dancing, maybe it's singing, maybe it's putting your art out there. Maybe it is going for that job. Maybe it's starting your own business. Whatever it is, where you are holding yourself back because you're afraid people are going to criticize, judge, mock, or tease you. If you are a human being on this planet, then I'm sure you can think of one area where that's happening for you. And then ask yourself, what do I imagine specifically? How are they going to mock me? What are they going to comment on? Are they going to mock your clothes, your voice, your appearance, your inexperience, your emotional state, like your nervousness, your lack of skill? Really identify it and then write each of these things down on a sheet of paper. So if you're listening right now, I'd say pause the radio broadcast here. That's the beauty of this stuff, is you can pause it, right? Go get yourself a sheet of paper, open up a file on your computer. Now, if you're driving, you can't do that. Just do this in your head. But it's much, much more powerful and effective if you get it down on a sheet of paper. Because if it's just swimming in your head, it's kind of disorienting. After a while, you're like, where was that thing? What? Who. Where am I? So once you've got these things down on a sheet of paper, get really specific. They're going to judge. They're going to think my voice sounds nasally. They're going to think that my shoulders are too slumped. They're going to see that I'm nervous and they're going to think I'm weak. Or at least find out the specific things you think they're going to judge you on. Write them down on paper. And step two is to realize that no matter what happened to you in the past, even if someone told you this many times and really did criticize you when you were a kid or even a week ago, right now, realize that these judgments are your own judgments about yourself. Even though you imagine now it's what they are going to think. You never really know what people are thinking. And often we just imagine that other people being critical, we assume that they're disapproving of us.

But.

But really what we're doing is we have our own judgments, and then we're doing what psychologists call projecting it out onto others. So we imagine it's in their brains, but it's really not. And it's our own judgment. And there's an ancient African proverb that I learned from Les Brown that says, if there is no enemy within, then the enemy without can do you no harm. So even if someone does judge you, if you're not really judging yourself, it just brushes right off. Let's say you're walking down the street and some little kid came up to you and said, you have pink hair. You have pink hair. And then laughed and ran off. Let's say you didn't have pink hair, you had just brown hair. You'd kind of be like, what a little weirdo, right? So if you are not critical of your pink hair, for that example, then you're not going to be impacted by it. But if you were judging yourself, then you're really susceptible to any judgments of others, and you make up a bunch of stuff and put it in other people's minds. So in other words, we have to learn how to work with each of these criticisms from inside of ourselves. So for each thing that you wrote down, practice challenging it. Simple as that. Practice challenging that. So let's say you want to start a conversation with a woman, and you, you thought to yourself, I'm terrible. I'm so inexperienced with women, I don't know what I'm doing. And then that thought makes you feel embarrassed or ashamed or nervous. Well, how would you challenge that? Just whatever comes to mind. The first thing might be, well, hey, I'm working on my confidence. This is a process, and I'm here to get more experience. And I got to start somewhere. Eventually I'll get better. You see how I respond to that? So you identify the current criticism. Maybe it's, my shoulders are too slumped, my body looks too awkward. How would you respond to that? Think about that for a minute. How would you respond to that? Here's something that's fascinating. We always don't have to fight these thoughts and come up with alternatives. We can use something called the Acceptance paradox, which we talked about in the last episode. So if the thought is, man, my shoulders are slumped and I'm so unattractive because of it, be like, well, I have played my fair share of video games, and so maybe it's affecting my body. But you know, I'm working on my posture, thanks to the training I got from Dr. Aziz and confidence unleashed. And I am going to just do the best I can with what I got right. And so you don't have to necessarily discount those things. So, for example, I used to be really critical of my own appearance, especially around the area around my eyes. I thought it looked too much pigmentation, it looked too dark. And so instead of saying, no, there's nothing different about my eyes, I just be like, yeah, you know, I have a little more pigmentation than the average white person because I have half Pakistani heritage. But you know what, in the big scheme of things, that's not really going to affect the results that I get in conversations. It's not going to make people like me any less. So regardless of how you respond, the most important thing to do is to respond to each of these criticisms. That's how you start to deal with this concern. And if you want to go even deeper, you can use something called the Feared Fantasy, which I love. It's a really powerful roleplay given the interest of time on the show. I can't get into it now, but if you get a copy of my book, the Solution to Social Anxiety, there is a whole section in there on how to do the feared Fantasy, how to enlist a friend to help do it with you, how to do it in a journal, and it involves dialoguing with an imaginary critic who says all these terrible things to you and you get a chance to practice responding. And every time I've done this with someone, we end up laughing at the end because you realize how absurd it would be if someone were to be that critical of a stranger or someone they don't know that well. So we're going to get in the next segment into how to use this stuff to really break free of this fear of what they are going to think of you. So stay tuned. We're going to get back in just one moment and you're going to learn how to break free.

Are you inspired by this radio show? If you're ready to take your life into your own hands, get a copy of Dr. Aziz's new book, the Solution to Social Anxiety. One reader recently said Aziz has devoted his professional career to finding practical ways to break down the self destructive mindset holding you back and to developing exercises to create a new pattern of success. He's done his homework and he ties his advice to strategies that have been proven to work. But sometimes he can get you just to Laugh at yourself, at the sheer ridiculousness of the toxic way you judge yourself and hold yourself back. That can be the most helpful of all. Imagine a high school coach who stood on the sidelines during the big game screaming at his suck. You don't even belong on the field. You're going to lose big time. Everyone is going to find out you are a complete fraud as a football team. That's what you're doing to yourself. You need to cut it out. This book will help you create a self reinforcing pattern of success rather than a pattern of failure. Go to socialanxietysolution.com to order your copy today.

Welcome back. So you've identified, okay, there's these areas where I'm holding myself back and I'm worried about what they are going to think. You got clear on what specifically they are going to think of you. And maybe you started to realize that a lot of that is your own internal self criticism and that other people are not nearly as judgmental as we are with ourselves. I mean, isn't that true? Isn't it that everyone is a lot harsher with themselves than they are with other people? But let's take that one step further. Let me offer you this. Who gives a shit what they think about that? I mean, I'm not saying in general you don't care about what anyone thinks of you. But the they, that small subset of people who's going to be really harsh, really judgmental, is going to criticize you for everything you do and try. Who are those people that will really judge you? Think about that for a minute. Let's say you want to do dance. I've had a number of clients who are shy and restricted in a way and they want to be able to start dancing more. And so let's say you were to just start dancing somewhere at a party, at a club and a bar, wherever, and someone in their mind, let's just say it wasn't all projection, right? Let's say someone in their mind actually turned around and looked at you and thought, man, that guy's a loser. Look at those stupid dance moves. He looks so awkward and stiff, man, he's got no rhythm. What a complete and total loser. Okay, who, first of all, what percentage of people are like that guy, that hypothetical guy? I mean, in our minds we think it's 100% of people, but honestly, really, who's gonna be that obsessed and critical of someone else? Maybe 10% of the population at best, right? That are really. And what's going on for that person that they need to criticize you and judge you and berate you to feel slightly better about themselves. That person's miserable. They're small, they're restricted. They're so restricted in their own lives. You think that person who's judging you that much is gonna let themselves go out there and dance? Hell, no. They're completely restricted. They're stuck in their life and they're miserable about it. And they want to just bring everyone else down to their level. And this is maybe the bottom 10% of the population, maybe even less. And the question is, do you want to guide your life, Base your decisions about what you do and do not do and how you express your true self in the world based upon what the most miserable, unhappy bottom 10% of the population thinks? I certainly hope not. I know I don't want to. So think about this. I was talking about this with a client. He was going to go to. A friend of his was having a party at this club called Holocene here in Portland, which is a dance club. And they got electronic music and so forth. And he'd never really gone to anything like that. Cause he was worried about dancing, right? People are gonna judge me. He'd only danced once in his life. And just like me, I don't know if you know my story, but I didn't dance for 10 years. Cause of some criticism I got in middle school. And so he was there and he's worried about, you know. So we did the same process in session. Like, what are the specific things? They're gonna think I have no rhythm. They're gonna think I'm offbeat. And I was like, okay, we'll think about that for a minute. You're in this club and Holocene, like any club in any place in the world that has a lot of people in it, is packed. Think about an electronic music scene, right? And if you've never been to it, just imagine like a big concert where instead of someone playing instruments, there's a DJ who's up on high. And everyone is sort of worshiping him for delivering bass. And so you're standing there, it's crowded, you're packed in. It's kind of dark. Maybe there's some lights flickering and some lasers going on. And everyone's sort of facing the dj and some people are not. But for the most part, everyone's kind of facing forward and everyone's kind of dancing and doing their thing. And so let's say you go there and you just start bobbing around to the Music and everyone around you is kind of bobbing around too. Now, is there going to be a guy who's like six people over from you, who's like, wait a minute, everyone, everyone stop what you're doing. Look at that guy six people over, he's slightly off the beat. I mean, come on, right? I mean, how absurd. First of all, it's never going to happen. And second of all, how absurd and pathetic it is if that's what someone's doing, if that's what someone's judging you for. So the key here is to realize that this stuff, you don't want to base your life based upon these small subset of miserable people. But the reality is you're probably rarely going to encounter someone like that. The reality is it's just all in your own mind. It's your own self criticism, it's your own inner critic that's trying to prevent you from doing something that might lead to you feeling embarrassed or hurt or rejected. And what you gotta do is the way out is through. And that brings us to your action step for today.

Time for action.

Action step is to just do it. Fuck it, just do it. Find that one thing that you are inhibiting yourself around because of what they will think. And then just take the plunge. Take a deep breath in, find your courage, dig deep and just do it. And then do another thing. And then do another thing. If you're worried that's gonna be embarrassing, do it anyway. That's great because it's embarrassment and inoculation. If you're worried that you're gonna get rejected, that's great because if you get rejected, that's rejection. Practice you learn how to strengthen yourself and handle it and grow. You can't lose. The only way you can lose you is by inhibiting and not trying. So if you want to go dance somewhere, go dance, wiggle your arms, get crazy, realize that it's all in your head, it's all in your mind, that no one is going to be judging you in the way that you think that they're going to judge you. And so the only way to really convince yourself of that and see that that's true. And that's just me saying that to try to inspire you, but it's actually the reality that you will experience. You got to go practice this. You got to go try it. You got to do it on your own. So that's your action step is find that one thing that you've been holding back on because of what they are going to think. And then do it. And if you're like, oh, I can't, it's, what are they going to think? Find that courage. Dig deep. What kind of life do you want to live? Do you want to be able to dance, sing, express yourself, be who you are, live the life that you're meant to live, give what you're meant to give, live out your purpose here? Or do you want to eke by trying to not displease anyone and just satisfy the lowest common denominator of miserable people and just eek through life? God, I hope not. If you're listening to the show and you've made it this far, then I know deep down inside you don't want that for yourself, that you want to live fully, brightly and be all of yourself. So take that risk, preferably immediately after listening to this show, because the faster you take action, the more you're going to get that result. So take that action. Do that thing that you've been holding back because you're afraid of what other people are going to think, and then let me know the results. Send me a message through the website shrinkforthshyguy.com I love to hear about how it goes for you. You can also email me@hostshrinkfortheshyguy.com as well. So thank you so much for listening. I'm excited to share with you more. In the next episode, we're gonna be getting into something which builds on this, which I call the World is a Friendly Place. And we're going to learn about some of your assumptions about what you think about strangers and people you don't know very well and just how off those assumptions might be. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome. Thanks for watching. Thank you for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Azeez. If you know anyone who can benefit.

From what you've just heard, please let.

Them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.