In this talk Dr. Aziz addresses why forming deep, authentic friendships becomes increasingly challenging for adults, especially those in their 30s‑50s, and offers a high‑level framework for overcoming the internal and external obstacles that keep people stuck. He first identifies two core internal barriers: a lingering sense of inadequacy (“who would want to be friends with me?”) and the discomfort of letting oneself be fully seen. He then moves to practical, mechanical steps: (1) consistently place yourself in environments where people gather—both physical and virtual—while choosing settings you genuinely enjoy; (2) take the lead in initiating conversations and activities, accepting that many interactions will end in “no” and reframing rejection as a normal part of the process. Dr. Aziz reframes the mindset from “Will they accept me?” to “Is this a fit for both of us?” encouraging a filter‑based approach that prioritizes mutual resonance over self‑validation. He stresses the importance of creating an early emotional bond by sharing slightly deeper, authentic details (feelings about work, family, passions) beyond surface‑level small talk, which helps the connection occupy a more meaningful slot in a person’s life. Throughout, he weaves in references to his broader work—his book On My Own Side, the Drink for the Shy Guy podcast, and a 12‑month Mastermind program—inviting listeners to deepen their practice. The overall message is that authentic adult friendships are possible and essential, but they require intentional presence, proactive leadership, fit‑focused filtering, and early emotional bonding.
Chapters
How do you actually create deeper, more authentic, more fulfilling, more fun friendships? It's a question that I hear all the time, and I often help clients work through to really create that in their lives. And many of my clients are, you know, 30s, 40s, and 50s. And it's different than when you're a kid and you're sitting next to your best buddy in school, or even in college for a lot of people, it seems harder. And maybe it's something about the world that we live in now where people are more spread out in our little silos with our ChatGPT AI companions. Why talk to somebody else? Let me just ask this robot and it talks to me in such a charming— which accent have you picked for your robot? I picked British because it makes me feel sophisticated. But in any case, maybe that's part of it. But that does not mean that you cannot create deep, meaningful, extraordinary friendships and relationships and connections. And in fact, it's more important now than ever because despite the appearance of all of our needs being met by our AI companions, the hunger the inside for human connection is greater than I believe ever before, certainly in my lifetime. Absolutely. Despite the illusion of connection through social media, other things where people are starved for it. In fact, that's going to be a powerful point that's going to help you break free. So I'm going to share some of the key insights, and there's a specific lens here so you can see if you relate to the people that I'm helping. This isn't someone who's like, I just have tons of friends. It's real. You just go out and meet people. It's easy. Most people I work with, it's not— doesn't feel easy for a variety of reasons. One, maybe just really putting yourself out there regularly feels a little like you got to kind of push yourself to do it. There's some avoidance, some anxiety, some like, ugh, this doesn't, you know, it's harder. And then, or maybe it's like you can get yourself out there, but being yourself is a little harder and you can get into conversations, but they just sort of feel like you're just keeping them going or there's not quite the connection that you want and it's effortful. So you're kind of like, do I want more of that on my Saturday afternoon? I don't know. Maybe I'll just do my own thing, right? So this video is for people like that. And if you're one of those people, you're in the right place. By the way, I'm Dr. Aziz. If you don't know me, I'm the author of numerous bestselling books on confidence and I teach and I've helped people grow their confidence. For the last 18 years. And one of these, one of the key things I help clients with. And so there's a couple of key problems here. One is the clients that I'm working with, and maybe you feel a background sense of inadequacy when it comes to friendship, like, who'd really want to be friends with me? I mean, they probably have better options than me, which when you're already trying to go out there and create friendships is going to be a headwind, right? It's gonna make it a bit harder if you think that you don't have much to offer. And the other challenge is really letting yourself be seen and known. So expressing yourself freely and fully and just saying stuff and, hey, here's me, can be also uncomfortable. So even if you could get yourself out there to connect with people, maybe you're a little more reserved, maybe you're a little bit more waiting for them to open up, and it's hard to be the first one to go, right? And both of these things can be impediments to making friendships. So how do we really shift this? This isn't like a step-by-step guide on all the things you could do to make friends. This is kind of more high level and helping you shift some of the big internal obstacles. But one basic mechanical thing is you gotta be where people are. That's like fundamental, is you're not going to meet a new friend completely on your own, no interaction with anybody. So you can go to where people are physically or virtually in this day and age. There are people who make connections on a Discord thing and then they end up on a Zoom call with each other. And so I'm not against that. I think that's great. Many of my friends live in different cities. We met in person at some point and then over time they've moved away and I stay in touch with them on phone or Zoom and have beautiful relationships with them. So I think it's all about what fits into your life. But the key is there has to be time together. So that does, that means beyond text. Right? Actual time together. That could be a phone call, that could be in person, that could be on a FaceTime or whatever. But if you don't know the people yet, you have to first create that, right? So you have to go to where people are. And ideally, you're going to places that you actually like to go to, that you enjoy for your own experience, not just there to meet people. Because then it's kind of a bit like transactional, right? I'm here to meet someone. Tonight's a success if I get a friend, and otherwise it sucked. It's like, how about I love being in this environment anyway, and let me see who I can connect with while I'm here. So put ourselves in environments Then we have to be the one to lead. This is often the challenge I think for people that I work with is you gotta be the one to lead. I know you'd rather wait for people to come to you. You'd rather be like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber where you hang out by the bar and put out the vibe and wait for people to come to you. But maybe your vibe is stronger than mine. But mine was never that gravitational, grav beam. What is the thing in Star Wars? They lock them into a gravitational pull and suck them in. Mine's malfunctioning. It never quite worked. Maybe I gotta work on my sultry eyes. But in any case, I had to go approach people. And most people I work with, you have to do that as well. And that means putting yourself leading first. And here's the thing, one of the biggest obstacles I think people have is like, yeah, but me, people aren't gonna like talking to me. And I don't know if I'm that interesting. And just know that people are hungry for connection. They really are. Even if they seem like they're not. Oh, everyone's got friends at this stage in their life. Oh, everyone's social buckets are full. Everyone's lives are too busy. Those are stories that we use to protect ourselves from the discomfort of a no. And the truth is, to create the connections that you want, you're going to have to go through a number of nos. As Steve Chandler says, yes lives in the land of no. And that means I'm going to need to interact with a number of people, and it's going to be nos for a variety of reasons. One, they don't really want to talk to me. Or maybe you have a great connection, they're not that available. They got other obligations and they can only hang out with you once every 3 months or something, and you're like, yeah, I'm kind of looking for more than that. So we have to be the one to go first. We have to see if there's a yes there. And there's going to be nos. And so instead of trying to defend ourselves from all those nos by judging ahead of time, it's not going to work, or judging, oh, I'm not enough, so no one's going to like me— like, that's an old, old, old story, and probably beyond the scope of this video to really address. So I have more in other videos on this channel. Check out my podcast, Drink for the Shy Guy. Check out my book, On My Own Side, which will be a deep study of how to really shift that relationship with yourself. Because if that's hyper-negative, if you're really skewed negative in your identity, it's gonna be hard to reach out to people because you're going to think "My presence is a burden or a bother," rather than "My presence is a gift." Then we start to move towards people. This is where the filtration process occurs. Instead of thinking of it as like, "Are they going to accept me or reject me?" Me, me, me, me, me, me. It's more, "What's the fit here?" So moving from a kind of a young, early adolescence, looking for your identity reflected back to you by others. "Am I pretty or not? What does he say? What does she say? Oh, what's this?" And say, "Okay, that was a phase of my life and maybe there's a part of me that's still there, but here I am now." present day as an adult. And so I'm going to operate like an adult, even though there's a part of me inside that's a little kid. Don't worry, we all have that part or many parts inside that are like, I don't want to go to school. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to eat the vegetables or whatever. And they wave their arms just like that. But, and then I'm an adult. So I take my kid to school and say, yeah, I know, I know you don't want to go back in, but we got to go back to school. And I go to work and then I eat my vegetables. And you know what? Over time, I actually start to enjoy those things. But in any case, My son doesn't buy that yet, but he will. We must act from that place, even though there's a part of us that feels otherwise. And that place is knowing that we're just assessing fit here, and it has to be a yes for both people, not just you're trying to get a yes from them. So here's a key thing. I, I, this just totally turns clients' perspectives on their heads, which is what do you actually want? What really resonates for you in friendship? What if your life force and time is valuable and limited, and you want to only direct it in places that really feel nourishing and exciting and meaningful for you? So what is that for Is it humor? Is it a certain kind of resonance? And sometimes you can list it out, but it's also a feeling in the moment. And if it's effortful, if you're like pushing a boulder uphill, but haven't you ever met someone, maybe you're not besties with them, but you just met him. It was a husband's friend or someone's friend of a friend or some stranger, but you're both in the same environment and you start chatting and it's just easy. Just flows. You just be you with them. That's what I would call like an unlocked door. Let's instead of banging on the locked doors, why don't you like me? Pick me. What if you just, oh, that door is open. And if it's closed, if you're efforting a lump bunch and it's just like, you know what, not really super into it. You can just wrap up that conversation and move right along. Preserve your energy and time at that gathering for someone else. And if they're a no for whatever reason, okay, okay. It's time. It's time. It's time to upgrade how you see yourself and stop taking every single reaction, response, perspective of you as some fundamental casting on your worth. I mean, how long have you done that? So again, check out on my own site if you're ready to upgrade that. Maybe just hearing this right now will pop you right back into the perspective you need. So from here, what do we do? Once you're connecting with someone, once you're feeling that resonance, it doesn't have to be the very first conversation, but pretty early on, one of the first hangouts, we have to create an emotional bond because, like, people's lives are full. Life is happening fast and it's accelerating, and there's all these pressures and demands on everybody and stuff. So yes, we're all hungry for connection, but sometimes people feel like, I got too much stuff to do. You ever feel that, right? What's the first thing that goes on the chopping block? Social stuff, stuff that's not, you know, a pressing demand. But if you emotionally bond with people, then it takes a different slot in their mind and in their heart. It just feels like, of course I need food, of course I need to sleep, of course I need to connect with people that I love. And so we got to create that bond. How do you do that? You don't have to effort really hard to make it. You just lead by creating more authentic connection. That means you share just one level beneath the, so where do you work? Oh, that's neat. Uh-huh. How many kids do you have? 3. Oh, cool. What kind of sports do they do? Oh, that's great. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's probably the meat of the conversation. But underneath, how do they feel about their kids? Do they like their work or dislike their work? And similarly, you might reveal your challenge with work or what you love about your work, your passion or your pain. These are the things that just a little bit, you don't have to like go crazy on that first conversation and pour your guts out, but just a little bit. All of a sudden, the person's like, ah, they feel inside. It's like, I can take a deeper breath. I can be me. And then they're gonna be hungry for it and they're gonna want more. And the more that I've done this in my life, I can't tell you wherever I go, whether it's a workshop or a social thing or something, I'll open up connections with people and a lot of people will want more. You know, and again, I'm at a place where I have a certain amount of time that I'm allocating for different things and a number of friends that I'm maintaining relationships with. So it would have to be really compelling for me to be like, yeah, okay, cool, I want more too. And that's fine. I let it be this beautiful connection for that moment. And if I wanna pursue it further, I will. But I find that there's no, lack of opportunity. If I really want to go create deeper friendships in the next month or so, I absolutely could. And it's not because I'm so handsome and so great and the best storyteller in the world or whatever pressure you're putting on yourself. It's just because I can be more real and look for where there's the resonance and quickly filter and then find the people that I connect with and open up that real bonding channel. My hope is that you can from this video and other stuff that I'm teaching you, really do this in your own life because it's absolutely essential and for you and ultimately for others because the world will benefit from your presence and there's humans out there right now that will benefit from bonding with you and loving you and being loved by you. If you're finding this valuable, you want to go further, there's many ways, but one of the most powerful ways is to have a Mastermind Program, 12-month deep dive. We have so many bonus materials and trainings specifically on this authentic connections. It's such a key theme for many people in the program. So if you're drawn to this, uh, definitely you can check out my website, draziz.com, D-R-A-Z-I-Z dot com. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
