Why Anxiety Makes You Bad At Sex (And How To Fix It)

Do you feel anxiety about having sex? You might think of it as sexual anxiety or maybe even just social anxiety in sex. This is so extremely common and almost no one talks about it. Because if there's anything worse than feeling anxious about sex, it's people knowing that you're anxious about sex. Oh my God. That makes me such a loser, right? So you're in the right place. You're not a loser. This happens to everybody. And for some people though, it just kind of keeps ramping up and it doesn't resolve itself and you can't just ignore it. And next thing you know, you might be avoiding beautiful opportunities for connection, for excitement, for passion. Because we're afraid. And that is no way to go through life to avoid the most meaningful, beautiful things because we're scared of them. Because sometimes you got to walk through your fear to see the beauty on the other side. I didn't make that up. It's from the Little Dinosaur by Pixar. Fantastic movie. But I want to share in this video why you experience the sexual anxiety and how you can shift it. Ready? Number one. The biggest reason that people feel sexual anxiety is body insecurities. Seriously? Yes. Body insecurities. You might not think you have any, but underneath that's what's making you feel anxious. And might be about the shape of your body. It might be the way that your body looks. It might be the way about your face looks. And it could be a set thing like, oh, I don't like the fat here. And it could also be like, oh my gosh, what if I make this face? Right? A thing that can change. What if I make this sound? I don't want to make the funny sound. I don't want to make the face that makes me look weird. And we're trying to control our self expression during an act that is meant to be expressive. You can't. You're not. You're not meant to control everything during sex. If you try to do that, you're not going to actually have any fun. You're not going to have connection, you're not going to have love. You're just going to be so focused on yourself and not in a good way. So body insecurities is one of the biggest ones. The second reason that I see, and this is, is probably the biggest is performance anxiety. Performance. What if I can't get an erection or keep an erection? If you're a man, a woman is like, what if I'm too tight? What if I'm clothed? What if I. There's not enough lubrication. I'm not wet. What do I. Oh, my gosh. What if something bad happens during sex? Those are usually the biggest ones is our organs don't work properly. But maybe something else. Maybe I'll feel a feeling. Maybe I'll feel sad or anxious, and that will make me not be able to connect. Whatever it is, something's gonna ruin my big performance tonight. And then we're freaked out and anxious. I better make sure I really perform. And nothing makes us better at performing than putting insane amounts of pressure on ourselves to perform. Right? So these are the biggest reasons. The other one that probably is the ultimate reason, but no one knows it consciously is actually you're afraid of connection. You're afraid of deep connection. You're afraid of the kind of intimacy that happens when you're really there with another person, not in your head, not thinking about something, not thinking about your performance, but you're really there with another soul in front of you in the most intimate act that humans can do together. And there's a part of you that is terrified of that. That could be just that level of connection is freaky. It could also be that you're afraid of bonding. You're afraid of getting closer and getting hurt. So there's a variety of reasons, but the biggest reason underneath, and these reasons are so important to know because this is how we solve the problem. So to resolve and solve sexual anxiety, first your body insecurities. And there's different ways to do this. There are other videos I have on how to resolve that at a deeper level. You can also check out my book On My Own side, which is how to resolve your insecurities in general and not be against yourself and picking at yourself. But a takeaway here is you're not going to perfect your body and then go have great sexual experience. I'm not saying there's not things you want to take charge of your health and get in better shape, it's great. But often the things you might be picking at, you don't have control over, or they're not going to change overnight. And the problem is not that you have a certain shape or your elbow doesn't look good or your face or whatever you think is happening. The problem is that you are not owning the insecurity. And so if your butt's a little flabby, you got to own that. Because if you're like self, oh, don't look at that. That kills your enjoyment of sex and your confidence in sex. You have to own the insecurity. So what are the top couple things you pick at yourself about? You got to flip it into, like, yeah, that's. That's how my face looks. That's the sound I make. That's my move. That's what I do. Right? You see, I'm being playful, and I'm owning that insecurity. And you might need to do deeper work around this, in which case check out my book on my own side. Okay, Number two, performance sex is not a performer. And I should put a little caveat here. If you are trying to be a player, pickup artist kind of guy, and you're like, look, I just want to bag as many chicks as possible so everyone knows how awesome I am because they're so hot, so therefore I'm worthy. And you just want to sleep with women and kind of not really connect with them and move on. And there's nothing wrong with having a lot of different partners or wanting to have sex or wanting to connect. But there's a certain pattern I've seen where some men just really aren't interested in connecting at all and just want to try to sleep with as many women as possible. And usually that's a phase. And eventually, hopefully, it burns out and you realize, like, wait a minute, maybe there's something more underneath that I was trying to compensate for. I certainly went through that phase myself, because then it might be a performance. You might have been doing a whole peacock show and dance to seduce her, and then you just want to kind of move on, right? So in which case, I don't know if this video's gonna be that useful for you, because what I'm gonna share is a way that I think really resolve sexual anxiety by realizing that sex is not a performance, because what it is really about is something else. So if sex isn't a performance, what are we doing? Sex is about connection, which happens to be the deepest fear underneath. Right? But it's really about you and another human coming together. And I'm not saying you don't wanna have sex, but if that's like, something has to happen in this way right now or else you've instantly created tension in your body. And tension is the opposite positive sexual experience. It's like sleep. You can't tense your way to falling asleep, can you? Have you ever had that? Oh, my gosh, I'm getting to bed late. I'm not gonna get enough sleep. Oh, my God. I was listening to Peter Attia, and he says that to live to 977 years old and run a marathon at that age, I have to be getting 12 hours of sleep a night. And most of it has to be deep sleep and rem. Oh, my God. And I'm only gonna get six, six hours of sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep. God damn it. Does that work? And it's the same thing with sex. Like you're looking down if you're a guy. Get hard. Get hard. Come on. Oh, Jesus Christ. This doesn't work. We have to relax into it. And what are we relaxing into? I am here with you. So what do you focus on instead? Don't even focus on your genitals. Sex can be so narrowed in on. I gotta get this thing to work. You don't have conscious control of it. So what do you focus on? You focus on the other person in front of you. Get outside of yourself. What does it feel like to touch this person? What does it feel like to smell them? Can you lean in and breathe in and smell their hair? Can you touch them? Can you kiss them and see what it actually feels like? Bring all of your focus to that. And if your mind's like, is it working? It's a meditation. And here's the thing, you might have a 15 minutes exchange. That's touching. You're naked and there is no sex as in terms of penetration. But it is very sexual. It is very sexy. It's. Oh, my God. But they're going to be so disappointed and frustrated. Not if you're deeply connecting with them. Because what happens is that builds energy, it opens the door. And then the next time, whether it's that later that day or you will all, there will be more sexual energy building. And if you really focus on that connection, then you will find that as the anxiety subsides, then things work well. Obviously there's a certain medical condition you need to address. You can do more research that's outside of the scope of this video. But I found 99% of the time people that I'm working with, it's anxiety based. For men, you can notice if you have erections during the night or in the morning when you wake up. And it's probably not a biological issue. It's going to be your anxiety. That's mostly the case what it is for a lot of people I work with. So underneath is that fear of connection. And so one more thing to ponder as we complete this video is forgetting about sex even to really build this confidence in yourself to connect, which will improve your sexual experience and confidence. Is this, what am I most afraid of this person seeing about me knowing about me. Because when you are really there with somebody, you're making love and you're looking at each other and you're there and you're not in your own head and performing and you're really there, they're going to see your soul and feel who you are. And that doesn't mean they're going to know all your dark secrets in the past and something. But if you are guarding yourself like they can't know, they can't see that I feel this and that, then you're going to be anxious. But if you really say, hey, what is it? I'm afraid that they would know about me, write a list. And can you get okay with someone knowing you in a deeper way? Take that risk to be seen and known. You're going to find that your sexual anxiety just dissolves in the most beautiful way. So that's a powerful deep dive tool. And there's a lot of other strategies you can use today to start to feel more confident in sex. Share your comments and questions down below and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.