Why Being A Pick Up Artist Won't Get You What You Really Want

Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Art of Extraordinary Confidence. Today I have a question from a viewer that goes like this. It's from Sean. Sean says, so I've been stuck with an issue and would like your expertise. I got into pickup six months ago. Been watching videos, listening to podcasts, and approaching on an almost daily basis. For those of you who probably most of you know, pickup means there's a whole field of study out there around pickup artists who are men who practice approaching women to get very good at approaching women, starting conversations and getting dates. Depending upon the particular teacher. It's often also about not just getting dates, but how do you sleep with women, Preferably as quickly as possible. That's most of my experience with pickup is there's also some personal development mixed in there too. So he said, although I've had much success, I'm not completely happy. No matter how beautiful, smart, funny she is, there will always be someone out there that'll potentially take her spot. I guess this is just biological. It's how men are. Interesting story, Shawn. Pickup is a never ending journey. Perhaps this is why I don't feel happy that I'm never there. Yet I've set myself some unreasonable goals. Logically, I tell myself these goals are over the top, but psychologically, I can't help it. How did you overcome this problem? Because he knows you'll know my story. I learned from some of that stuff too. Okay, that was his question. Sean, put that down. Awesome, Sean. Thank you for asking this. And the reason he's asking me is he, you probably saw or maybe you know this from other videos. I, when I first started to build confidence, looked into anything I could find and what you first come across is how to like pick up women. That's what I want. I want to meet women. Oh, this is how you do it. And so I studied a lot of that pickup artist stuff. Some of it was very valuable and some of it was reinforced some toxic ideas. And those are some of the things I hear in Sean. So here's the first thing you need to know about most pickup artist stuff. It is mostly about significance. So we humans have basic needs. I learned this from Tony Robbins. It's a phenomenal model. It's called basic human Needs. Six human needs. But I'm not going to go into all that. But one of the needs we have, I go into it inside of Confidence Unleashed. My program, the Confidence Unleashed system, which by the way, you should totally check out because it's amazing. And if you're liking these videos that's like rocket fuel. It will explode your confidence, I guarantee it. So you can go to confidenceunleashednow.com to check that out. Anyway. Six human needs. There's one need for significance. That means we all need to feel special, unique, worthwhile, better, the best. I'm good enough, right? I've achieved, I've done something. I matter. That is significance. And we all need to feel it. There's nothing wrong with that. Another need, though, is to feel love and connection. And we all need that. And from babies up to 99, 109 year old people, we all need love and connection. And love and connection is not, I'm better than. I'm the best, I'm enough. It's just, hey, we're in this together. I like you, you like me, we're together. One of us is not better than the other one. We're together. That's what love and connection comes from. So you might notice that there can be a little bit of a conflict between these two needs and what most. What So a lot of what drives men into pickup sitting pickup is they want love and connection, right? They want a woman, they want women, but they also want significance because they spent most of their life and I know this well, feeling ignored, feeling not worthy. You're not good enough for her. She's not going to talk to you because you're lame, you're a loser, you're a dork. A lot of pickup guys are incredibly smart and weren't like the biggest jocks and other things in high school or whatever, but they were kind of nerdy like I was. And now they're using their nerdy powers to master this, you know, study this thing. Finally I can study something worth learning, right? That's what I did. And so we want the significance. And we think that if we just get enough significance, we'll feel good, we'll feel peace inside. That's what he says. I don't feel happy yet because here's the thing, he keeps setting the bar. I don't know what his unreasonable goals are, but for me it was like, there's a woman in any situation, any setting, I need to be able to go over and talk to her and like work some pickup artist hypnotic magic on her, some sick language patterns, implant some suggestions and she's gonna want me and give me her number and want to go home with me and like make out with me in the supermarket or wherever the fuck I was, right? These absurd notions that are actually reinforced by the pickup. A lot of the Pickup artist community out there. So here's the thing. It's about significance because it's not even fucking about her. She's an object. She's a reflection of my significance. If I can win her over and charm her, and she's hot, then I'm a valuable man. And that's what a lot of the pickup art stuff is about. And, you know, reading the forums, they're bragging about it, like, yeah, a number close to 10, what's up? Who's the man? I'm the man. And it's about significance. And look, getting significance by growing yourself, by growing your ability, by being able to talk to women and face what scares you, that's fucking awesome. That's great. But if we leave out the love and connection part, then it's never ending. It's insatiable. And that is what I hear, Sean, is what you're dealing with right now. And so the key is to let go of needing that significance first. First. What if you were already enough? What if it wasn't about how many women you could get, how quickly you could close them or in some communities, pull them? It's all reflected in the language. And it's a disconnection from our hearts. And we think that's what's going to get us what we want, but it doesn't, because what you want is love and connection. And here's another thing, though. Well, tons and tons of men who are studying pickup are terrified, though, of that love and connection. We all want it, but we're scared shitless. I talk about this in my new book, the Art of Extraordinary Confidence, which is awesome, by the way, and you should check it out. The Art of Extraordinary Confidence. There's a whole chapter in there about love, and that's one of the first things I get into. We all want it, and it feels. And it takes a lot of confidence, though, to. To put ourselves out there and we're scared and it could hurt. And some of the nuances of a relationship with a woman, you know, you gotta have boundaries. You're gonna have conflicts. You gotta. Sometimes you're gonna disappoint her. You gotta navigate that all, you know, and it's so difficult and challenging and scary. And so men come up with stories and say, oh, that's just not how men are, you know, biologically. There's some studies, evolutionary psychology, Buss in 1991, et al. Said that men want to sleep with lots of women. Scientific. It's like, yeah, of course, as men, we notice women. There's Testosterone, there's sexuality. And I think deep down, most men, if they really heal up their own insecurities in a powerful way, want to find that woman that just blows their mind. It expands their heart and fills them up more than anything and like, expands their potential, makes them more of who they can be. That's what we want. And yeah, you want her to be whatever beauty is to you. You want her to be inspiring and loving and kind and sweet and funny and whatever characteristics that you exude and that you want in your life, that's what you want. But there's all this fear about, maybe I'm not enough for that. Maybe she'll break my heart, maybe this, maybe that. I'm going to just see how many numbers I can rack up, how many women I can sleep with. And you know what? That's fine too. It's a phase. But we want to outgrow that phase. Sometimes we need to go through that. I needed to go through that phase because I didn't feel worthy. And so I slept with some women, a lot of women, and felt more worthy as I did it. But then it was like, how do I get more connection with these women? You know? And that is where it gets really fascinating. So when you're going to go practice, I wouldn't say stop. Don't just stop practicing. I think approaching women and starting conversations is incredibly fun. It's awesome. It's one of the most valuable skills in the world. So don't stop. You can still learn this stuff, but just take down the significance and ramp up the love and connection. And that's what I started to do. And so when I started to approach women, it looked very different. Instead of me being this Persona or this character or you know, you know, the guy who negged her to lower her self esteem so she wanted me. I was just more boldly and confidently myself. I was more vulnerable, I was more real, I was more authentic. I was more interested in creating. Even if I didn't want to date her or marry her or whatever, I just wanted to create a powerful connection with her in that moment, even if it was just a five minute conversation. And that feels good when you're not trying to prove something and show that you're enough to the world, you can just enjoy it. And it feels, it's beautiful, it's fantastic. It's part of life. And that is why I'm so excited about my upcoming weekend, the Unlimited Dating Confidence Bootcamp. Because in the UDC Unlimited Dating Confidence Bootcamp, it's gonna be all about that stuff. How to approach, how to start conversations, how to be your boldest, fullest, most confident self, how to get numbers, how to get dates, sex, all that stuff. And though how to do it from a place where we're fully comfortable in ourselves, we're filling up our love and connection. It feels really good and really authentic. And you can do that. You don't have to be a Persona. You don't have to be a pickup artist. You can be you and attract the most amazing women and relationships you want. And this weekend is so different because women are going to be there too. You know, a lot of the pickup artist stuff is like, don't tell women our secrets. We'll learn it in a dark cave, right? I'm like, what? That's so weird, right? Let's just connect. And that's what I'm doing. We're going to teach women there as well on how to be their full, free, beautiful essence, regardless of any stories they have about, oh, but I don't look like this or I'm not that. And then you'll find that as women, as you embody that, more men are just drawn to you. So that's what we're going for. And that's why this is totally different. So what's standing out for you? What are you finding most valuable from this episode today? Share below subscribe to get more Videos I'd love to hear your comments and read those any questions you have. And if you have questions you want me to answer in the show, put them in the comments or send me a message. Go to my site, SocialConfidenceCenter.com and you can message me through there if you have a question. You can also get my free ebook there too. So that's a great place to go deeper. Until we speak again. May you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.