Why Being Yourself Is Difficult

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to look at. Why is being yourself so difficult? It sounds very strange, doesn't it? Being myself, shouldn't that be the most natural thing in the world? How can I be anyone other than myself? Well, as you're gonna discover in today's episode, and you might already know from your own experience, it's a little more complex than that. And it's difficult to be ourselves for a variety of reasons. And what you're gonna experience as you listen to this episode is one, a sense of recognition. Like, oh, that's what's been difficult, that's what's challenging. And of course, we're also gonna look at how to overcome that, to be more yourself in the world. So you're going to be able to increase your authenticity and really, unapologetically being who you are, which is a great place to start. Does that term being unapologetically who you are resonate for you? I believe that's in the subtitle of not nice somewhere. It's a very long subtitle, but somewhere in there it says unapologetically being you, or un. Unapologetically being 100% yourself, or something like that. But in any case, I've heard people even use that term when they're talking to me. They say, I want to be unapologetically myself. And if you slow down, first of all, that resonates for you. Slow down and get curious. Why does that feel good to hear? Well, because maybe you've been apologetically being yourself or so apologetic about being yourself that you're not being yourself. Now, let's. Let's break this down because being yourself can be. That's a really, maybe big philosophical question here, right? So just to clarify, there is a. Perhaps a spiritual dimension to this, right? Who are you? That's a. That's a big question. In some meditative traditions where you Ask who am I? What, you know what. And you're kind of bringing your self to more with the sort of consciousness, awareness, observing itself. And that's an interesting whole thing. And we could learn about that from Eckhart Tolle or other teachers to teach a lot about that. That's not exactly what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about, yes, that that's a dimension to you and that could be very important and useful for you to pursue in your life. And also you are a person. You aren't just a global awareness and a consciousness. You also have or are physical, body, a personality. You have your history, you have your own unique physical qualities, both strengths and illnesses and weaknesses and personality qualities. Fear, bold, driven, anxious, loving, kind, generous, cautious, whatever these qualities are. And those can of course change over time. In fact, that's a big part of the work I do with people, is helping them, if they've lived a life of more avoidance, which might be considered more cautious or risk averse, and helping them become more willing to step into healthy risks in their life. So things can change, but whatever it changes to, it's still something. You're still a you. That's the you that I'm talking about. We're talking about the dimension of person, you as an individual. And that's in contrast to the self, or maybe even no self of kind of more Buddhist or spiritual traditions. Nothing against that stuff. That's great to pursue. But you know, there's a you walking around the world and doing stuff. And why is it hard to be that person? Well, maybe I could ask you that question. Does it feel hard to be you? And this one's really interesting because, you know, I talk to a lot of people about this and some people are in different stages of knowing or not knowing that. And some people are just living out a life, being the person that they think they're supposed to be. And if you said, hey, are you having a hard time being yourself? They'd be like, what are you talking about? No, everything's fine. But then at some point, and maybe that works for them their entire lives. But the people that I talked to were like me, where the person they were being didn't work for them. The person they were trying to be, pretending to be, pressuring themselves to be, didn't work for them. So who is that person that they're trying to be? Who is the person that you're trying to be? And isn't this crazy that I could be some try to be somebody else other than who I am. Well, maybe not so crazy because we are a collection of different parts and different motives and different desires. And so when we're not being ourselves, that doesn't mean that you, you know, put on makeup and a spy Mission Impossible style mask or something and a trench coat and pretend to be somebody else. I mean, you just tweak the dials. You downplay certain parts of yourself and you upplay other parts of yourself. So maybe there's a, you know, the anger or upset or emotional reactivity parts you push down, you don't reveal them to others, and maybe you don't even reveal them to yourself. And you push forward, bring forward, you know, you put your best foot forward. That's part of that, what you're supposed to do, right? So you smile and you're friendly and you're warm and you're permissive and patient and accommodating and just, you know, whatever's gonna make everyone like me, right? Or everything goes smooth. And that usually for people, that's not them saying, you know, I'm just going to suppress all these parts of me and I'm going to bring these other parts forward and do this even though it's false and not right. I'm just going to do it anyway out of fear. No one says that, right? It's more unconscious than that. It's like, hey, this is the right way to be. I should be more patient, I should be more forgiving, I should be more generous. I should be. Should being a key word here. This is part of your rules, which we uncover a lot and not nice. If you have not read that, just download or that on Audible or check it out on Amazon, but that we uncover a lot of these rules because those rules are the pressure that's exerted on you that you exert on you. Now, it also can be coming from the outside. This is the idea of the cultural field, which is exerting an invisible yet very real pressure on you. And that could be coming from parents, extended family, community, religion, the socioeconomic world you grew up in, the ethnic groups that you grew up in, the current profession that you're in, all these things are exerting pressure. I got to look this way. So you adopt a role as a doctor. I should look like this as a husband, I should be like this as a wife, I should be like this as a child, as a son, as a family member, as a friend, and even just as a good person, I should be like this with strangers, with anybody in the world. And some of those things are authentically you. You do want to be a certain way in the world. And other things are very much not you. They're what other people wanted of you. And you probably might be nodding your head and see some of those in your life, right? And the challenging thing is when you are being who you're supposed to be, you know? But the cultural field wants what people around you want and expect, and you also want to be that way and are that way. It's great. It's smooth, right? So let's say I have an identity of, or a expectation of myself to be patient, playful, connected with my kids, and I'm that way a lot, right? And so when I'm feeling that way, I'm authentically being that way. It's. That's how I expect myself to be or want myself to be. That's how I imagine society would want me to be. And so when I'm doing that, it's great, but. And so that's a role that. That I choose, that I want to be. It's not like someone's forcing me to be that kind of dad, right? That's the kind of dad I want to be. But what about when I'm not that way? What about if I'm a little stressed or absorbed or disconnected or something short, irritable, right? That's difficult. And so sometimes people hear, oh, it's difficult to be yourself. Shut up and be yourself, man. And then it gets complex. Right? Well, so just. Do I just yell at my kids when I'm irritated and upset? Well, no, that's outside of my values. I don't want to do that. But what do you do when you're irritated or upset? So let's not jump to behavior right now. Let's look at what do you do with that feeling inside? What do you do with that part of you? So I see this all the time. A client, maybe they're dating someone and they want to break up with them, or they don't like something about what's happening. They don't want to say that. I don't want to upset the person. I don't want them to feel bad about themselves. Okay, let's not jump to what you say to the person. Let's just start with, what do you do with that feeling inside of dislike or aversion or maybe even disgust or anger or hurt or fear? What do you do with that? And that's what makes being ourselves so difficult, is we don't really allow ourselves to even know what's going on. To even feel what's going on. Because there's such a strong pressure campaign to be who you're supposed to be, to preserve this image not just for others, that's bad enough, but for yourself. And so you can't even let yourself see. Oh, that bothers me. Oh, I don't like this. Oh, that hurts my feelings. If it might not even emerge into your awareness. But even if it does kind of bubble up in your conscious mind, there's a quick counter from somewhere inside the internal police that's like, why are you being so sensitive? That shouldn't bother you. You shouldn't be angry. Well, if you were this way and then that way, you've been angry too long. Stop that. And push it back down, push it back down. And something is lost there. Because guess what? You and I maybe have never talked in person. And maybe one day we will. And I would love that experience, perhaps at a virtual event or in person, one of my in person events or something. But I know something about you, even if we haven't met. You ready? Here's my mentalism trick. Here it goes. You get angry. Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Even you. You get angry. So do I. Right? It's human. That's how I know that about you. It's human. We all get angry at times or have other emotions at times. We get anxious at times. And yet this pressure to not have those feelings, to not dislike things, to not to not to not, creates confusion. In fact, in my second book about niceness called Less Nice, More youe, there's a chapter in there, I think it's earlier on in the first part of the book, maybe chapter seven or something. And I talk about this confusion that can happen. I was talking to a woman and she was dating somebody and she was just. It wasn't feeling right. And I was exploring with her, like, what's happening? And she just kept on saying, I don't know, I'm confused, I'm confused. And I was like, maybe, maybe. And maybe she doesn't. Whatever her real feelings are, her real self, her genuine experience doesn't align with how she should be. And so instead of saying, oh, this guy checks off all the boxes, he's a great guy, I should like him, I should feel connection, I should want more. But I don't. And so what do you do with that not wanting more, that lack of desire, that desire to maybe get away or end it? Well, you push it down. You just get confused and you keep going because that's the right way to be, right? So the right way to be is a lot of just shut up and keep going. Shut up and do this, shut up and do that. And maybe you got that message very directly from family. I don't know. People I work with have a whole range. Sometimes it's very direct or even abusive like that. And other times it's much more subtle. Ooh, just don't want to disappoint dad. Just don't want to have mom give you that look with those eyes of, for shame, daughter. How could you do this to our family name? Or whatever's being communicated indirectly, subtly, but doesn't change the internalizing of the messaging. So that's why it can be difficult to be ourselves, because to be fully yourself. And again, I'm not talking about acting out every impulse and being crazy or yelling or fighting or sleeping with everybody. Although maybe that sounds fun to you. Maybe that's what you want to do. I don't know. But, you know, like, there's a fear of just getting out of control if I'm really myself. And what I'm talking about is like, well, let's put a pause on behavior. Let's just look at acknowledging the different parts of you and what they want, what they feel, what you think, different perspectives. And it's really basic. I like, I don't like. I want, I don't want. Yes, get closer. No, move away. And learning to start to honor those signals. So moving into the part where we're going to talk about how to become more yourself, it starts with realizing, oh, I being myself is safe. I'm allowed to be myself. And that can feel really scary. That can feel not true. It's like, are you. Are you kidding me? Like, my. If I tune in to what I really want, it's to not do this job or it's to not be with this person. I can't do that. That's totally unsafe. Well, again, I don't know if we need to jump to a big life change decision. Although. Maybe. But let's just rein it in. Say, is it not safe to even just listen to the parts of you to hear what the party that says, I want to end this is saying to say that the part says, like, what don't you like, what is it? If you want to end something, like a relationship or a current job or something, instead of saying, oh, my God, should I do it? Oh, that's so destabilizing. Ugh. It just start with, what do I want to end? It might be with a relationship. Okay, maybe. But within the relationship. What do I want to end? What do I want to be different? What do I want to change? Now maybe you're at a place where you can't. And you tried all these things, but the getting more clarity, getting clarity by listening to yourself. And the parts that you'll discover when you listen to yourself are going to be sometimes parts that you don't like, parts that you've learned from the cultural field are bad, selfish parts, angry parts, self interest, not caring, not compassionate, impulsive, impatient, immature. Those are all in there. And again, they don't need to run you. You don't become some ID driven maniac who just has no restraint. But you gotta listen. You gotta get curious and truly curious. Not just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, uh huh. Listen. No, no, no, I don't want to hear that. Don't tell me that. It's like you're like the asking for the messenger to bring you the message and they start to give you the message and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's bad news. Come back with some good news. But sir, that's not what's happening. I gotta give you the information. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't give me that information. Give me some good news. Right? Like imagine like a leader or a, you know, president of a company and he or she's asking like that, like, that's bad, that's not good, that's not a good way to run a business. It's not a good way to run your life. So let's get really, really curious. And I know, I know, I get it from my own experience, not just with clients. This is my own heart. Like it's uncomfortable. And that's why I think it's so important to create this wide open spaciousness of being on your own side of saying, hey, all parts are welcome. I'm willing to listen to anything. In fact, let's talk about how to turn that into action for you. Now. Time for action. Action. Action. Your action step is gonna be to practice listening. And I'm gonna make that a little more specific because that can be really broad and vague. But let's say once a day, slow down and let's just put a timer on it. Let's say four minutes. I mean, four minutes sounds pretty doable, right? I don't know whose life is so busy they can't do it for four minutes, but let's just do this for the next four days. I mean, how doable is that? Four minutes a day, four days. Come on. Totally doable, right? So what do we do in this four minutes? First of all, are you in? I mean, don't worry. It's not gonna be anything crazy. Four minutes. The next four days. You can even start today, right after this episode. I mean, you already have one day down. You're already there. You're already a quarter of the way there. What an easy challenge. What an easy action step. But here's what it is. Four minutes. Set a timer on a phone or a watch if you need to. You could do it with your eyes closed, sitting. You could do. Go for a walk. Just don't have headphones in. And just listen to yourself. Hey, what's going on? How do I feel? What do I want? What's bothering me? What do I like? What's important to me? And maybe there's a specific situation that's going on. A work thing, a health thing, a family thing, relationship thing. Maybe it's just in general. How was today? What's going on in my life overall? It's okay. You don't need to know. You don't have to have it planned out, but you're just kind of checking in with yourself. And here's the. The key, though. Your every voice has a seat at the table. Every voice is allowed. So it pops up. You're like, how you doing? I don't know. I'm feeling kind of irritated right now. Instead of. Why are you irritated? You should be more patient. You're. That's. You're practicing bad mental habits. You need to have. Improve your cognitive thoughts. Just challenge your distortions or whatever you're doing to yourself. Like, whoa, whoa. Okay. Irritated part. Yeah. What's bothering you right now? Just let it speak. Or maybe there's like, oh, I'm so stressed about this thing at work. Why are you stressed about that? That's. That's two weeks away. You shouldn't be worried about it. You know, man, if that's what's happening for you, that's gonna be a great benefit of this exercise to see how much you're invalidating yourself. You're disconnecting from yourself. You're creating, you know, more and more, making it more and more difficult to just be with yourself and be yourself. So let's practice that four minutes a day. Next four days, want to continue it? You want to go longer? That's great, too. But that'll get you started. All right. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.