Why Do I Feel Anxious When I Stand Up For Myself?

Do you wonder why you feel so anxious to stand up for yourself? That's the subject of this video and a little series I'm doing, all about standing up for yourself, speaking up for yourself. And the first one is, well, why are we so anxious to do it in the first place? That's a very important place to start, because when you discover why you're anxious, it gives you the clues on how to be free from that, how to be confident to do it. So we're going to dig into that in this video. If you're enjoying these videos and you want more, click down below to subscribe to this channel. Do it now. You're going to benefit. I mean, the more you study this stuff, the more free you're going to become, the more assertive you're going to become. And this is one of the biggest things I help clients with all the time, is how to be more direct, how to be more assertive, how to be more boldly, authentically you. And it starts with being able to stand up for yourself when you need to. I mean, chronic niceness prevents us from doing all this stuff. And you got to change that if you want to live a better quality of life and live with more confidence. So let me start by asking you, because you might already know, why are you anxious to stand up for yourself? What's creating that? What are you afraid of? What comes to mind, some of the big reasons most people are afraid is first and foremost, people say, well, I'm afraid of conflict. I don't like conflict. Conflict is bad. Conflict is scary. And so when they say conflict, what they normally mean is that there's two differing desires and someone is upset. And typically we're most afraid if we're a nice person of the other person being upset. So if. If I stand up for myself, if I say, no, I don't want that thing, or, hey, I want this thing, usually standing up means we're saying no to something, we're asking for something, we're sharing a boundary, something. The fear, the biggest fear, is that the other person is going to disagree or want something else and be upset about it. That's the key part though, is them being upset though, isn't it? Because if they had a differing opinion and they're like, well, no big deal. I mean, I have a different opinion, but it doesn't really bother me. Probably like, okay, whew, right. But what we're really afraid of is them being like, what? No, I don't agree to that. And I'm pissed now. And then what are you afraid of after that? Let's say they get upset. So most people that are recovering from excessive niceness, which I am strongly in that camp, perceive upset as permanent, destructive, and the end of something. It's important to know, do you perceive someone being upset as permanent? They're always going to like if they're upset and they don't like me right now, they're not going to like me till they go to their grave. You know, it's like grudge for life. It's permanent. It is. They're going to have some sort of desire to retaliate, to attack me, to hurt me, to block me, to do something that's going to sort of retribution or revenge, small or big. And on some level, I'm not safe. I'm not safe. I'm not okay if someone is upset with me. Do you have any of that experience that is typically the biggest fear for why we don't stand up for ourselves? Do you resonate with that? Is that true in your experience? And, you know, we say, well, where is that? Why do I have that? Where does that come from? Typically comes from a few different places. And if you want to go much deeper in this, check out my book, Not Nice. It goes into a lot more about our nice conditioning and where this stuff kind of comes from. But short version is very often growing up, you had what I would call nice training where you learn that saying what you want, saying no, being assertive doesn't lead to great things. Maybe a parent gets angry or upset with you. Maybe you just don't see that happening in the house that you grew up in. No one was doing that. Maybe you said, no. And then someone said, I don't care what you want, you're gonna get in the car, shut up. And you're just like, okay. And you learn not to speak up for yourself. And maybe you saw a conflict going on around you that was destructive. That was the end of things. People saying horrible things, mean things, fighting, you know, and you're like, oh, God, I don't want that. And so what's in your, you know, your memory is like, I saw that. Ugh, freaked out. And so now flash forward 20, 30, 40, 50 years, and you're like, I gotta go tell that person I don't want to work with them, or I'm not going to take the bid, or that I need to negotiate for a different amount. And you're like, ugh, that same fear is in there. And guess what? That fear that's going to Be in there forever until you do something about doesn't just go away with time. I've worked with people. Oh, I admit the oldest client I worked with to date was 79. Now I'm happy to work with someone in their 80s and 90s or centenarians. I just haven't worked with them yet now. But oldest client was 79 that I know about. This is a one on one client. Maybe you're watching this and you're 99 years old. If so, put it in the comments below. That's awesome and I'd love to learn some of your wisdom from your 99 years on this planet. But it doesn't matter how long, how old we are. This stuff doesn't just go away. We have to address it, we have to upgrade it, we have to change that. And that's what future videos are going to be about. Of course, if you want to take it one step further, go to my website, drazeez.com and go to the coaching tab. You can learn all about how I work with people and how I help consistently, repeatedly produce these transformations. I've been obsessively Studying this for 1819 years at this point, as you probably already know. And over the last six years I've been running specific group programs that I'm like building like obsessive mad scientists to figure out how do we produce the result, how do we produce it faster, how do we make the results even better? So my goal is to create a transformation, a repeatable process of confidence transformation. And it's been amazing the results we're getting so far. So you want to find out more about that, you can click down below in the description as well as just go to drzeez.com so you must address this, you must face this, or else that fear of conflict is going to always be in there. But there's other fears that prevent us from speaking up as well, other things that makes us anxious to stand up for ourselves. Here's another one that most people don't realize. It's actually a fear of guilt. A fear of guilt because the flips. One side is like they're going to get mad at me. The other side is maybe they will or maybe they won't. But either way, I'm gonna feel bad. I'm gonna feel like I was mean or rude or too pushy or I didn't give them what they wanted. Oh, I'm a bad person. What's going on there? Well, there you have some dysfunctional rules. You have some rules like I should never disappoint anybody. I should never say no to somebody if they want something, and if I do, that makes me a bad person. And again, this is our conditioning. You learn somewhere along the way to be a good person, you gotta. Yes, yes. Smile, please. This is especially conditioned in young women and girls. And it's definitely for a lot of men too. But it's both, but especially for women, like, be nice, please. You know, don't be a bitch. Don't be rough around the edges. Be pleasing and subservient. That's what a man wants. That's what society wants. And so we have these messages that tell us that. And so when we break that rule, we feel bad. So is it a fear of guilt for you? Just become more and more curious about this stuff. Because, in fact, that's gonna be my action step for you from this video, is to just study it in yourself. Why, in fact, write down in a journal, why am I anxious about standing up for myself? And maybe you explore some of that stuff around conflict. Maybe you explore some of that stuff around guilt. Maybe it's something else you discover. There are many things I can't get into in just one video. But start with that. Because the more you uncover, the more you dig, the more you get clarity on this stuff, then you're gonna realize one thing which is absolutely liberating. This is all stuff I learned. This is all stuff I was conditioned to think. And if I learned this, I can unlearn it. If it's conditioned, it's not true. It's just stories, beliefs, perceptions, rules that I took in. And yes, you can be free of these rules. Yes, you can have a radically upgraded set of rights, Bill of Rights, as I call it, a new identity, new permission to be you, and a new understanding that not only is it okay to have conflict, but actually direct conversations that might be conflict can be extremely valuable and deepening for relationships. That's just a tip of the iceberg of how things can upgrade for you. So thanks for being with me today. Share down below in the comments and be sure you click down below to subscribe and hit the notification bell so you can watch these videos as soon as they come out. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.