Why Do I Pull Away From Potential Dates? - Q&A with Dr. Aziz, Confidence Coach

Yo. Welcome to another Q and A video with me, Dr. Aziz, the founder of the center for Social Confidence and author of some kick ass books, including Not Nice. If you haven't checked that one out, do so. And I'm going to draw a question from the YouTube comments, which came out just a few days ago from Monique. Monique said, and this is something I know you can relate to. We all can. That's why I picked this question. So, you ready? I started getting some doubt when I approached a man at work, got him interested to the point he told me to call him, and then I froze. I waited three days and texted. It looked like I was playing games. I really want to slap myself for sabotaging my efforts all the time. So first and foremost, I picked this question because again, we can all relate to this. You know, if you've ever. Whether it's you're a man interested in men or women or woman interested in men, or it doesn't matter which, whichever way you play the game, we've all been in that place where there's an opportunity there, there's a potential for connection. And then we retreat, we recoil, we flee. And we've all done that. So there's some really important stuff in Monique's question. So I want to answer your. Respond to your comment, Monique, and then also highlight some ways that you can liberate yourself. And this will apply to everyone as well. So first things first. First, it sounds like you want to connect. You're attracted, you're drawn in. There's some mutual interest there. And then you pull back, right? And then you get angry at yourself for pulling back. So let's peel back a layer here and see what's going on. What's really going on is Monique is not just Monique, and you are not just you. We are a collection of parts. So part, part of Monique wants to connect with this guy, and part of Monique is like, ugh, no, get away from me. I'm scared. Don't you know you're gonna reject me, you're gonna hurt me, I'm not good enough. Whatever the story is, right? And we all have those conflicting parts. And she's doing what most of us do. We try to steamroll over to, you know, forget you scared parts, forget you insecure parts. We're gonna go after it. And then maybe you can, maybe you do. And then you get a little bit of progress and. And then what do you do? All those scared parts come back with a vengeance. And then they're like, ah. You're like, oh, God, I can't do it. I can't text them. I can't call them. I can't go on the date. I gotta go. And we run out and we run away, right? And then we get all angry. Ah, damn you. This part, damn you, me, I suck. And we think that somehow beating the crap out of ourselves is going to motivate us to be better or change anything, and it doesn't. So what's the way out? The way out is you got to start getting control over all these parts in your mind. Instead of being, you know, we're, oh, I'm scared now. I hate myself now. I want it. And we're just bouncing around. We have to start realizing I am the center. Look, I am the leader, and I talk about this in my program, Confidence unleashed. I call it aligning ourselves for optimal results. We have to get in there and start working with these different parts of us and align them all so we can all be on the same page. Because if you don't, it's two steps forward and three steps back, and we don't get anywhere. In fact, we, you know, eventually start to feel more and more insecure because. Because we don't, we lose trust in ourselves. So what do we do? What can Monique do? What can. What can you do? As you're watching this, first things first. Get into your center and say, look, I have different parts of me. So some part of me really wanted to connect with this guy, and some part of me was scared, right? So step one, remember that you are the center and you have all these parts. Step two is you got to get on your own side. You cannot demolish a part or defeat a part by beating the crap out of it. So you gotta say, all right, scared me, scared part, got scared again, and that's okay. And then I got another part of me that's frustrated and angry at the scared part. Okay? All right, you're pissed off. You're scared. You're pissed off. Who else is in here in this mad house? Look, you're not crazy. We all have this. It's parts of ourselves. So we gotta. We can say that's not. That's not happening, and just try to ignore it all and then just be sabotaging ourselves. Or we can wise up, be honest and say, yeah, I have all these parts. I gotta learn how to work with them. So you say, listen, frustrated part, I know you're pissed off right now. I know you're frustrated because you really want the result. And here's a key insight all these parts ultimately are trying to help you. They want you to get something or be free of something, or be safe or be loved or something. They just go about it sometimes in very unhelpful or extreme ways. So you say, listen, frustrated part. Listen, self critical part. I know you're pissed off at me or the scared part or that we didn't do it. I get it, I get it. I want connection too. I and I'd be like talking to this part of me. I want connection too. I want love too. Notice my hand. I'm like, whoa, whoa, chill out. And attacking us, attacking that scared part. Attacking me is not going to get us anywhere. So scared part, what happened? It sounds like you got really freaked out. What are you afraid of? Well, great. Well, tell me more. What are you most afraid of? Right, so you, as the center, as the leader, are starting to talk to these parts and bring them together. Bring. Basically you become a good leader, which is someone who listens to the people on your team and doesn't judge them. You're not like scared part. Tell me more about why you're afraid. Well, that's stupid. You're an idiot, right? No, that's going to make it shut down and recoil. Say, listen. Yeah, okay, I get it. You don't want to get hurt again. It's painful if they reject you. I get it. So you listen to the different parts. Then you offer them reassurance. Say, hey, listen, frustrated part. I want to get there too. Listen, scared part. I know it's scary and uncomfortable and you think that we're going to get rejected and it's hopeless. And we both know that we all want love. Like, we got to learn how to work with this. I can take care of you. I can support you. If they don't like us, don't worry, I'm gonna be able to help you out. I'm gonna take care of you. And this is higher level stuff about how to really talk to yourself on a deep level. If you want to go deeper this stuff, check out, as I mentioned, confidence unleashed earlier or the confidence code. But the key takeaway here is you got to start to work with yourself. And if you're beating yourself up, Monique, or any of us to get to the next level, it's not gonna work. Trust me. I tried that for a decade and it didn't help at all. It just digs us deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and. And I know you know what I'm talking about. We all know that this doesn't work here's. An alternative strategy for you. This parts, talking these different parts. It's just one idea. There's many out there. Shift the pattern. Have more compassion for yourself and find a way. Because that love, that compassion for yourself is going to be what gives you the courage to try again and put yourself out there. So hope this helps. Share your responses down below. What do you think about this particular situation? Other questions you have I'm looking forward to doing more of these Q and A videos in the future. Lots more coming your way. Alright. And by the way, subscribe. If you haven't subscribed already, you can hit on the notifications. Hit on the notifications. Because then once you subscribe, then when the new videos come out, you'll be able to see them and be able to keep tabs on this. Because the more you watch this stuff, the more you study it, the faster your confidence is going to grow, the better your life's going to be. Because confidence is a doorway to success in all areas of life. So let's all keep building our confidence higher and higher and higher. And I look forward to seeing you in the future. Take care.