Why Is Rejection So Painful?

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about rejection and why it's so painful. And through this, by seeing what's really happening here, you're gonna discover something that's gonna really liberate you and help you actually change your experience and your relationship with rejection. So stick with me in today's episode. And again, if you wanna take things much further, come join me for the ultimate confidence breakthrough. That's our three day virtual event that we're doing in June. So coming up relatively quick here you can get your tickets@draziz.com that'S-R-A Z I Z.com and then click on the Events tab and you'll see a link to the ultimate confidence breakthrough. And the reason I'm mentioning that is because the whole theme of the event, but especially the first day, is about transforming your relationship with rejection. And because really that is what social anxiety and the limitations of social anxiety and low confidence and a lot of the pain of these challenges comes from is all centered around rejection and the pain of rejection and, or the, because rejection is painful, all the ways that you might adapt your life or inhibit yourself or limit your life to, to avoid that pain. And then, so now you're maybe not getting rejected that much, but then, well, how's the quality of your life? Maybe you're not putting yourself out there, maybe not. Maybe you're not having the connections that you want, the relationships that you want, the opportunities that you want, the success that you want. And your life might feel like it's getting smaller and smaller and smaller and you're relegated to a smaller and smaller corner of the cage. It's like, oh, I can't go over there, I can't go over there, I can't do that, can't do that, can't do that. That's how it felt for me. I felt like I was living in A cage that was getting smaller and smaller. And in many ways I was. Now, it's not a literal physical cage with bars, but it might as well be. It's an emotional, mental, behavioral cage. That worst. It actually followed me everywhere I went, so I couldn't get out of it. It's not like if it's a physical cage, someone opens the doors and you're free and you're like, oh, what a relief. But this cage, it went with me everywhere I went. So when I changed schools, when I went to a university, when I went to a new city, when I went to different social gatherings or different opportunities, no matter where I went, I'd bring this dang cage with me. Can't go talk to that person, can't go approach her. Can't speak up in that group. Can't raise my hand and talk in this thing. I can't do this, can't do that. And the cage gets smaller and smaller and smaller. And now my life is passing me by, all around me. And there I am in the cage. I got my hands in the bars, like, hello, Hello, I'd like to go out now, please. Does it feel that way? Can you relate to this? The best way to describe it is, is it felt like my life was passing me by. And that is primarily the result of rejection, your relationship with rejection. And part of that relationship is what you emotionally experience when you experience a rejection, when you hear, no. And so what is that for you? And it's different in different areas. Like, some areas might not bother you as much. Like, I don't know, someone flips you off when you're driving and you're kind of just like. You brush it off and you're like, yeah, whatever. But then if someone were to, say, give you some feedback at work that says, hey, maybe you didn't do a great job on this, or I question your choice there. Oh, you just implode. Or, you know, a big area is love, right? Love and relationships. Someone doesn't like something you did or is upset with you or says no to you or doesn't want to date you or doesn't want to be with you. And it's like, ugh. And you feel that crushing pain. And one thing that's really interesting when you start to investigate this is, have you ever thought about why it's painful in the first place? And when I ask clients this, they kind of often have not. It's almost like asking, like, why does touching fire burn you? Why is fire hot? It's just like, I Don't know. That's just how it is, right? Why do we breathe air and not underwater as humans? Right. Well, I don't know. That's just how it is. And it seems that way because that's been your experience, perhaps your whole life, and you look around and other people seem to agree with that. And yet, and I didn't get this for many, many, many, many years. It's not. It's not built into the experience. And so when I looked at people when I was younger, when I went to college, is when I really started to feel this ever increasing grip of social anxiety in that cage getting smaller and smaller. And I'd be inside of my cage holding the bars and looking outside and watching other people and observing them. Not for a sense of, what can I model and how can I be more like them and access my own confidence? No, no, no, no. It was more like the guys in the cage. Look at all those people out there. I wish I could be out there so I'd watch people. And I think I had this distorted perception that, oh, that person over there, this guy, he's so suave, he's so confident. He just doesn't get rejected. I really think that's what I thought. And what I didn't realize is, no, he does get rejected. And it's kind of obvious, right? Like, of course, no one is never rejected. But in my mind, that's kind of how I saw it. And I thought, oh, man, if I was more like that, then I wouldn't get rejected either. But the truth is, that person does get rejected. They just react to it extremely differently. In fact, imagine this. Imagine you went over to someone and I was actually just talking about this with my son. We're gonna be moving. As I might have mentioned in this episode or a recent episode, and depending on when this goes live, we might have. Might have already moved. But it's right around this time. And I was having this conversation with him a couple months before we moved, and he was nervous because when we move to a new city and he's gonna go to a new school, and he's like, but I don't know anyone at this new school. And basically I'm scared. I don't wanna go there. I don't know it. And I was like, I hear ya. The change, the uncertainty, it's uncomfortable. And I just sat there with him in it and let us be in that without trying to take it away or fix it. It's like, yeah, life has these changes and we both know we've had conversations about how we're moving and why we're moving and why it's an amazing move for our family. And the place we're moving to is absolutely extraordinary. And he, he loves the new house, the new property and everything, but it's just that change in school is scary. And so he goes to this really, this kind of small school right now that it's not technically a private school, it's more of like a self directed education, learning hub, whatever. We can get in all the nuances of that, but it's like a really distinct, interesting, almost like a bunch of homeschool people that got together to create a school. So it's pretty cool. But we're leaving. So. One thing he loves about that school is they have everyone's included policy. So, you know, if kids, some kids you're playing, you know, you're playing something and some kid comes up like, can I play too? You got to say yes. You can't be like, no, you can't be part of our game. So. And he loves that about his school and it gives him confidence because he knows he's not going to get rejected. And when he imagines he's going to go to this new school, he's like, they're not going to have that policy. And my wife's like, well, we don't know what policy they, they have. They may or may. They may not. He's like, no, they won't. And, and so she said, well, right now you're getting your sense of confidence from knowing that people can't say no to you. And he's like, yeah. And I said, so let's imagine this. Let's say you wanted to play with a kid and you see some kids playing over there, you know, what could you do? And you say, well, I could walk over them and say, can I play? I said, great. What if they said no? And he's like, well, I wouldn't like that. I said, I wouldn't like that either. I said, what if you did this? And so I got him there and I got his brother there and I went over to him first and I said, hey, can I play too? And I instructed him to tell me no. And he's like, no. I said, okay, thanks. And then I walked straight over to his brother and I said, hey, can I play? And he looked up at me with these bright eyes and he said, okay. And then I smiled and I looked over my son and he's like, also, if someone says no, I can just go ask Someone else. I was like, yeah. And here's the thing. The faster you ask someone else, the more quickly you get to be playing with somebody. And here's another thing. I can promise you, everyone is not going to say no. Everyone's not going to say no. In fact, a lot of different kids are going to say yes. And here's the thing. If you go to this school and you wait and have people approach you and ask you to play with them, someone will eventually do that. But if you're willing to go out there and ask, you'll be having friends within days. And he had this big smile on his face. Now, as he gets closer, I'm sure he's going to have more concerns again. But that's what we work through. The goal, you know, this is life and it starts at this young age. And it's going to go, you know, every moment of your adult life, you're going to be facing a risk of rejection, especially if you're growing and trying new things and getting outside of your comfort zone. And rejection's cousin failure, where someone maybe didn't tell you straight up no, but you failed to achieve the goal that you wanted, the timeframe that you wanted. That's all gonna happen. And so just really imagine that. What would it be like in your love life to go approach someone, hey, want to spend more time together? You wanna date? And they said, no. He said, okay, great, thanks. You went over to someone else and your refresh time was seconds or minutes rather than months. And how can you do this? Well, you can only do this when the pain of rejection isn't inevitable and demolishing. And the reason that rejection is so painful is not because that's inherent in the rejection. It's because what you do with it. I call this your default rejection pattern. And this is what we unpack in the ultimate Confidence Breakthrough live event. And if you haven't got your tickets, recommend you do so now. Draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com events tab because your default rejection pattern, and we're unpack some of it right now in this episode, is what when someone says no to you, when someone rejects you, what is the pattern that gets triggered unconsciously in that moment? It's worth studying and I'll guide you through a much longer process of the event. But when you pay attention to it, usually what's gonna happen is there's a strong visceral feeling. That's the first thing we're aware of. Like my chest collaps. I Feel hollow inside. Feels like someone punched me in the stomach. It feels. You might want to slump. Your energy just goes through the floor. I want to sit down. I got to lie down. Maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's this terrified, scared, unsafe, unsettled feeling. I'm never going to get what I would want. I'm never going to get connection. I'm never going to make it. I'm never going to survive. Your survivor gets activated, and it's like you feel like your life is threatened, so there's some emotional, physical reaction. And then, though, if you pay attention, always, always, always, there's a story that goes with it. Usually we're not aware of the story because the physical sensations are so loud that we're just tending to those. But there's a story underneath. There's a story about you and there's a story about your future. And they're both bad. That's where the pain comes from. I'm not enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not worthy. I'm embarrassing. I'm a failure. I'm a shameful, unworthy human, and therefore my future is bleak. No one's going to date me. No one's going to want to hire me. This is not going to work out. I'm never going to get my goal. I'm never going to achieve that thing. I'm never going to create that thing. And they happen in an instant. It's just boom. You don't even consciously unravel it all. It's just you experience the rejection. You have this perception of yourself and of the future. You feel awful, and then all you're aware of is the awful feelings. And you think that rejection caused the feelings. The flame caused the heat or the burn, but it didn't. There was the burn. You are burning yourself by this pattern. And if you don't get control of this pattern, it will control you. And it might have been controlling you for many years in your life. So that's why rejection is so painful. Can you see this? What is the story for you? I remember I really got fascinated when I really discovered this derp, as I call it, drp. Default rejection pattern was actually came later in my life. It wasn't when I first started doing this confidence work, because it first started for me when I was 21 years old and I wanted a girlfriend. And I didn't have a girlfriend. I never had a girlfriend of my choosing. I had a couple women that sort of approached me and I kind of sort of spent a little Bit of time with them. But I was not that into them. And I was like, I'll just take what I can get. Why? Because I'm not doing what I'm instructing and coaching my son to do, where it's like, go approach people. I was waiting on the sidelines and waiting for a woman to come to the cage and say, hey there, you know, hello, I see you in there, and like, me, hello. Right. But it's not really what I wanted. It was just, I'll take whoever gives me attention. And so I wanted to break free and I wanted to approach women. And I overcame a lot of fears to be able to start doing that. But I didn't have, like, all these tools and all the psychological awareness. I hadn't even been in graduate school yet. I didn't know any of this stuff. And it's only over time that I've learned all these tools and how to radically accelerate the process. So what took me years, someone could do now in months that I work with and I coach. But when I was a bit older, I'd done a lot of this work, and I'd been helping people for a long time. And so I started to coach myself a lot more. And then I got. I'd done a lot of therapy, and then I started transitioning from being a therapist to being an author and a coach. And the difference was that with being a coach, I wanted to work with large groups of people. I wanted to teach events, I wanted to run group programs. I wanted to work with thousands of people all over the world and all over the Internet. And I didn't want to do therapy, which involves me being only working with people in Oregon, where I'm licensed, you know, in person. And I wanted a much broader reach than that. So I said, okay, I'm going to move into the coaching world now. The difference between the therapy world and the coaching world is in the coaching world, people, you gotta do sales therapy. People are like, I wanna do therapy. You're on my insurance panel. I found you on the Internet. Here I am. And there's more to it than that. I actually did a lot to build up my private practice. But, you know, it's very different. Coaching is not covered by insurance. Coaching is seen as a. You know, it's like an additional expense in people's minds. Like, no one has a budget for coaching. I do, but most people don't. Right? But the people want to change and solve the problem. It's really important. It's a huge, important life. So they want to find a way to do it, but they're kind of, like, concerned. And then they're not sure if it's gonna work, and they're not sure if you can really help them. And so there's a sales process to really make sure it's right for them. And I'm gonna talk to them and make sure that I really think if I can help them, then I'll communicate that and I'll share what I might do with them and how I've seen it work for other people and why I think it's gonna work for them. And then they gotta make a choice, yes or no, Do I want to take or not? And there's a lot of people that I worked, you know, spoke with in these. In these calls who I think could have radically transformed their lives, but they weren't ready to make that leap. They weren't. They were too scared to bet on themselves. So then I'm like, it's sales. But I'm actually coaching them, like, to have the confidence to bet on themselves, to build the confidence, right? So. And some people just wasn't a good fit or they didn't have the money or whatever. And that was. That was fine too. But it involves rejection. Sales involves a lot of rejection. And so I found that I was very, very uncomfortable. And I would get into these calls, and I'd be bracing myself for rejection, and then they'd say no, and I'd feel really bad afterwards. And regardless of the reason of why, they said no. And I just feel so bad. And I remember one time I would do some of these calls, like, walking around outside on my phone. And so I remember exactly where I was. I was out in this wide open grassy field, and I was talking to this person, and I was like, oh, my God, I can help this guy. He needs this. I have 100% certainty. We could shift this. He has the money, he has the capability, and he says no. And then I try to work with him and help him understand why. What's the fear? Let's uncover that it's just a fear. You can do this. And he's like, no. And then I'm like, okay. And so I hang up the phone. He hangs up the phone, and I just, like, my head slumps down out in this open field, and I'm like. And I'm feeling awful. And I felt awful after every other rejection on a sales call. And then I paused, and I said, what's happening here? What am I doing? How am I doing this? What am I Doing that makes this feel awful. And that's when I started to really pay attention to my default rejection pattern. And that's when I started to uncover. Okay, what? Okay, yes. Bad feelings. Bad feelings. Fear. Okay, great. What is the perception that I'm buying into right now? And sure enough, I'm not good enough. No one's going to want this. If I was a better coach, then people would want to say, sign up with me. I don't even have the, you know, I'm not even good enough to help this guy, have the confidence to want to bet on himself. Maybe he's right, maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not good enough. And you know, it's never going to work. I'm never going to be able to do this. This is just a pipe dream. I'm doomed. And then I'd feel awful. So I started to get really fascinated. And discovering your derp is the first step to freeing yourself of it. Because if you're trying to get away from it, you don't even know why you got burned. You got to see how you're burning yourself. In fact, that's going to be your action step for today. Time for action, action, action. Your action step is going to be to unravel your own default rejection pattern. What do you feel? What do you say to yourself? What are the thoughts? What are the stories? What are the beliefs? And if you can write it down, even better, rather than doing it in your head, it makes it that much more powerful. And if this is any way appealing to you and you see a power here of what your life could be like if you were completely free of this fear of rejection, it didn't have to hurt so much and you could just walk through it and get to the next level in your life. You gotta join me for the ultimate confidence breakthrough. We're just scratching the surface here on the default rejection pattern. We spent a whole day on rejection specifically and then beyond into stepping into the bolder version of you. So it's gonna be, imagine this was the first half hour or 20 minutes of a full day event. So I cannot wait to spend that time with you if you're drawn to that, and if not, and if you're saying no to me and you're rejecting me, that's okay too. Alright. And if you're Interested, go to draziz.com,/a z I z.com and click on the events tab. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you are. Awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com it.