Why Knowing How to Speak Up Isn’t Enough

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. The show to help you break free from social anxiety, people pleasing and self doubt so you can speak up, connect and be 100% you. I'm Dr. Aziz, sharing tools that have transformed my life and thousands of others. Let's all liberate ourselves together. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about assertiveness, speaking up for yourself and why it breaks down and why you don't really do it, and if you do it, why it's not that effective. And I think this is going to be really illuminating because it highlights some of the biggest challenges I see in working with clients that prevent them from speaking up for themselves. Because it's great to know that that's good in theory. I think many people that I work with, they lived for many years thinking that being nice was the right way to be. You know, being passive. Although that word maybe they wouldn't use, maybe they would say, I'm being flexible. I'm not pressuring people. I'm not making anyone uncomfortable. I'm just doing maybe the right thing. And it's wrong or selfish or mean or uncaring to speak up. So I'm not gonna. And they lived in that for 10, 20, 30, however many decades. And then at some point they're like, okay, it's not working. And so if you're listening to this, I'm going to assume that you have started to see some flaws with that plan of being the nice person and that you're here to learn how to do something different. And that's why I'm excited to share these pitfalls. Because then you go from like, okay, I do need to speak up for myself. I can't tell you how many people tell me, oh, I am too nice. Oh, yeah, yeah. And so then it becomes something like, oh, yeah, yeah, exercise and eat. Right? Okay, yeah, yeah, I should do that. Which is progress. Right? Because if you think that's that's bad to do, then you're really far from it. But knowing or thinking in theory it's a good idea does not cross the Rubicon. It doesn't help us cross the river. And that's what I want to share with you is, is the specifics around why that is and how to get across that river, what it really takes. And this is fitting timing because I have a virtual event coming up in about a month or so called Not Nice Live. And if you really want to practice speaking up, learn how to do it not just in Theory, more information about it, more, yeah, I should eat my vegetables. But actually, training your nervous system, that's what we do in that room, and that's why it's so powerful. So I would love to share that experience with you. It's three days, March 6th through 8th, and right now we're doing the early bird ticket for it. So you can save. I think it's like 75% off of the ticket. So it's a really solid opportunity to join in from anywhere. And the results from immersing yourself in three days of training is just radically different than listening to even this podcast, because I'm going to share some stuff with you here. And then there's a level of, like, nervous system rewiring, upgrading of the old code that can only happen when we immerse ourselves. So if you want to check that out, look down below in the. In the description for a link to the. The event page. Or you can just go to my website, draziz.coM-R-A z I z.com and click on not nice Live. It should be right there on the homepage. Okay, so you're at the place where you're like, I'm gonna speak up. I'm ready. What gets in the way? Well, first, there's some ways that people speak up that are not effective, and then there's some reasons why that's the case. And I'm going to illuminate those, because if you don't see these, it's like something. It's like a tripwire. You keep falling over, and you're not going to be able to get to where you want to go until you can really see the tripwire. And it goes something like this, Right? So you go from passive. Passive is, I'm not speaking up for myself. Even that is going to be a huge shift to learn how to overcome that. Right. And you got to become familiar with some of the inner stances of passivity, which is telling yourself things like, it's not worth it. You know, I'll just deal with it. Okay, yeah, I'll just handle it. Or like, what's the point? So maybe a little bit of learned helplessness there, but. So let's say you have someone who's not showing up for something. You have an agreement with a colleague, with a friend, with a family member, and then they're not doing it, and you say, ah, well, I don't want to bring it up. What's the point? They're probably not going to change anyway. Or I've Tried to bring it up and it didn't work, so I'll just deal with it and you take on more. That sound familiar? Okay, so that's put you squarely in the passive realm in that moment. So let's move up the spectrum. This is what people often do when they say, okay, I'm going to speak up for myself. I watched an Instagram video that told me to do it, so I'm going to do it. And they go talk to that person, that family member, that coworker, and they say, hey, I. I just wanted to. You said you were gonna, you know, pick up the kids on Thursday, and then you texted me and said you couldn't make it. And, you know, I just. I. I had something to go, you know, going on, but I was able to go get them. And. And the per. Your partner's like, yeah, I. I had this thing come up at work and I had to stay. And so, you know, thanks for doing that. And you say, okay, all right, there you go. You spoke up. And that is more than passive. That is more than passive. But do you feel how it. Did you really say what you wanted to say? Did the truth get communicated? Right? And so here's the inner stance in this one. In case you're wondering what this next. When we start to become more assertive, people often do it in a very gentle way, and it's kind of veiled what they really want to say. So you hint, you soften, you bring it up indirectly. It's kind of unclear, like, why, in this hypothetical example, why am I bringing this up to the other person? And the inner stance here is, okay, I'm going to say something, but I'm not going to push it because I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. If I make anyone uncomfortable, then I'm a bad person, or they're going to hate me, or they're going to attack me, or I'm mean, some version of guilt or fear that causes us to not be more direct or real. And this is where most people stop and they say, yeah, I spoke up for myself and it didn't work. Have you done that? And then, of course, we go back to the passive and say, it's not worth it. What's the point? Whenever I speak up, they don't listen anyway. Maybe there's a little bit of inner resentment that starts to build, like, oh, this person doesn't. They're so selfish, they don't even care. They just do their own thing. Oh, they're so whatever. Bad, weak, wrong, mean, unconscious, something, some version of bad label we give them because we need to discharge our frustration. We're frustrated because not necessarily that we couldn't get them to do the thing that we wanted, but because we're actually really frustrated because we couldn't even have a solid, real communication or direct contact. That's what's most frustrating at the end of the day. And so why, first of all, do you relate to this? Can you see this in your own life? Where, you know, does it show up? In what kind of environments? Often I see this at work, and often there's reasons for it. We really get sucked into our reasons and think that that's why. My because list, and that's classic example from another realm. Just to make it clear. Someone says, oh, I'm not working out or I'm not healthy or I want to lose this weight and I can't. And you say, well, why? And they say, well, because. And now you're gonna get their stories and their experience. Well, because it's too hard to get to the gym because I have young kids. Because I got this injured knee. Because, because, because. And in their experience, that is why. And so if you removed the knee injury or they didn't have the little kids or whatever, they'd be in great shape. That's their story, and they're sticking to it. Never mind that there's someone else who has young kids who has the knee injury who somehow manages to stay fit. Well, what are they doing? I don't know. They're just lucky. They're better than me. I suck. Right? So we just. We don't really answer that question. We don't take full ownership, essentially. And so. But we really bond to our reasons. We like our reasons, and it usually makes it outside of ourselves. So this person didn't change. They keep doing that thing that I don't like because they're selfish, because they're a jerk, because they're an idiot, because they're a bad boss, because they're an awful co worker, because they're a. Because my wife sucks because my husband is selfish and it's case closed. Or we say, I can't do it. Maybe it's not the other person's bad, but, you know, they're my supervisor. You can't speak up with a supervisor. Oh, it's my mom or my dad. I can't say something like that to my mom or my dad or, oh, it's my sibling. Yeah, you can't. You can't be. You can't say that to a family member. That's mean, right? So you have some idea about the circumstance, about the rule, about the dynamic, about the roles and you're just like, well you can't there case closed. And these keep us bound. And we don't realize that the issue is not all our reasons. The issue is that I am limiting myself. I have a very narrow band to operate within and actually that band is created unconsciously but very on purpose to try to protect me from something. Hmm, hmm. I wonder, I wonder what you might be protecting yourself from. I don't know, let's find out. Let's imagine this. Can you think of a situation in your life where if you could just be brutally honest, what you might say to somebody and look, this isn't a script of what you should go say to that person. I don't know what goes through your mind. Maybe you have a bunch of pent up resentment. So brutally honest means just venting a bunch of crap that you've been holding onto for six years or something. So I'm not saying this is the right thing to go do, but we're doing a little thought experiment here. So if you were to be brutally honest and just name what the situation is, you know, so for that little hypothetical example I gave you of the partner who said they were going to get the kids and last minute they called you and said, oh, I'm at work, I can't do it. Maybe they do this all the time. Maybe this isn't like a one off thing. Maybe they're always, not always, but regularly repeating this kind of unreliability and that, that puts more on you. So now you got to drop what you're doing, you got to get the kids and you got to take care of it. It's kind of just assumed that you will. And that's not an agreement you guys came up with, which is like, hey, I'll do all the stuff for the kids and you take care of your work stuff. It's like, that's not the agreement that you had. They're doing something else. But you're tolerating it. You're. And when you tolerate something without really speaking to it directly, then you're tacitly, which means without speaking, encouraging it to continue, you say, oh, okay, I guess that's fine. And that's what the person learns. Oh, I guess that's fine. Nothing really came of that. And so what is causing that? Well, let's just say in that example, you were really direct. And look, you might not have kids, you might not have a partner, but you could put yourself in that situation, or you could think of a situation in your life and what you'd really want to say. And I'm just going to use that example. Maybe the person would say, man, this has happened, like many times. This has happened, I don't know, four or five times in recent memory. And this is hard because I now have to drop what I'm doing. And I don't feel like I can rely on you in this regard. If you say you're going to get the kids, you're not often not there. It's like 50, 50. And that's hard for me. That doesn't work for me because then I can't plan my day. And it has a big impact on me. Right. Or whatever. Right. I'm just imagining what that person might actually think and feel. Maybe they're frustrated, maybe it's a breach. They lose some trust in that person. The person loses credibility in their word. These are the real things that are happening for that person. They say, well, I can't say any of that. That's really mean. That's really selfish. Look, notice how I'm not saying you're a liar, you're a lazy, you know, sob. You suck. Right. And sure, you want to have some guardrails, so you're not just character attacking them. That usually doesn't go well in assertiveness. That's not assertiveness. That's being aggressive, really. But naming what is so. Naming what is happening, naming the pattern, expressing the impact on you or others. This is all healthy. But how do you feel if you imagine speaking really directly like that to somebody, or you just hear that hypothetical example, Put yourself in those shoes. How do you feel? Most people that I work with, they feel very uncomfortable. It's like a. It's like they're hurting. They grimace, their chest is tight or feels unsettled. And it's usually a combination of guilt and fear. What's happening for you? Because that's what all those stories, all the becauses, all that is trying to protect you from, that guilt and fear. And ultimately the guilt and fear are coming out of a deeper thing that you're trying to protect yourself from, which is some sort of massive loss, essentially. If I'm really myself, if I'm direct, if I say what is so? If I just show up and honest, then I'm gonna lose everything. I'm gonna lose love, I'm gonna lose my relationships. I'M gonna lose my career. I'm gonna lose everything. Like, you can't be that way in the world. That's the old code, that's the old programming. And there's a bunch of sub lines of that code that says, well, you can't say that. Cause someone's gonna get upset with you. Underneath that, you're gonna lose everything. You can't make people uncomfortable. You're gonna lose everything that makes you a bad person, it makes you selfish. You're gonna lose everything. So underneath it is that one dominant fear. But it has a million rules that come out of it all to try to protect you from something. And as long as it's like a phobia, and as long as we're avoiding the thing we're scared of, the phobia persists. So if I'm scared of spiders and I never get near a spider, then the phobia does not just go away on its own, typically. And it's the same thing if I'm avoiding that. Being more real, more direct, having more direct contact with people, saying what is so. Being more authentic. All these things that I say I want, if I were to do those things, there's a part of me that's afraid that I'm going to lose everything. And if you never call that bluff, if you never go test it consistently over time, then that fear persists forever. And so we have to challenge it, we have to step into it. So you have to really see these rules that you're telling yourself that are preventing you from taking that action. And you gotta bring them. The way this works is you gotta take that line of code that's kind of floating around in your subconscious and bring it to your conscious awareness and look at it. Is that true that saying this will. That means that I'm a bad or selfish person asking for something. I've done this with clients and all kinds of things come out. Like asking for something is selfish is one that'll come up when we start to examine what is the. Okay, you're feeling really uncomfortable. What is the rule? What's the code? What is the thing you're telling yourself? What's the story about this? And they'll dig around, they'll say, yeah, it's like, well, I'm bad because I'm asking for something. Okay, so you're asking for something and that's bad? Yeah, that's bad. Why is it bad? Well, it's selfish. Okay, so it's selfish to ask for something. And whenever we really discover that code Together, the most common reaction is like, yeah, as in recognition. And then, wow, that's. That's really intense. Or that's crazy, though. They'll kind of remark like, oh, my God, really? That's the code? As in, they don't consciously agree with that. They think it sounds pretty extreme. But that's what's been running their lives, and it might be what's running your life, too. So here's what we got to do. Let's turn this into your action step. Time for action action. Your action step is to identify at least one of your underlying lines of code. Right? You know what I mean when I say that your lines of code, it's okay if I imagine being more direct, I feel what, Scared? Anxious? Guilty? Okay, so underneath that fear or anxiety or guilt, what is the story? What's the line of code that says if this. Then that if I make someone uncomfortable, I'm a mean person. If I say no to somebody, I'm hurting them. Right? Whatever these things are, there's. There's dozens of them. So just find, like, poke around just like I did in that example there, and find one of yours and then just hold it in your awareness and say, huh? Is that. Is that right? Is that true? Is that what I would say to someone else? Is that what I would want to live by? Hmm. And it's this. Through this, we can start to dissolve it. And then, of course, we have to start taking those risks in real life. And we're going to be flushing all of this out at the virtual event. I'm going to be diving into the five levels of assertiveness. We're going to be practicing how to be more direct and real, how to work real time with these fears that come up and help you get to the other side, where you don't see, you really know the truth, that you're not gonna lose everything for being more you, more real. And you know that intellectually, but we gotta cross that bridge emotionally. And I don't see anything else that does that. No books, no podcasts, no conversation with ChatGPT that helps people really get. Get that experience and that exposure needed to make that fundamental emotional transformation. And that's what I want for you. That's what is possible at the virtual event. And so if you're drawn to that, you've been listening to my podcast for quite some time, and you want to take that next step. I think this is a perfect, easy, and powerful way to do it. It's three days, and you will experience just this major shift so I would love to share that with you. Go check that out on my site drzez.com and overall the key here is that the right thing often feels wrong at first. So being assertive, speaking up for yourself, being more real, more direct can feel wrong. Like oh I'm doing something so terrible, I'm so guilty. And you don't take that guilt as a sign you're doing something wrong, right? It's a sign that you need to upgrade your code. All right, I hope this serves you and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.