Why Nice People Always Lose (You MUST Change This!)

Every nice person I've ever worked with has had this dilemma. And if you're struggling to speak up for yourself, you find yourself pleasing people when you don't want to. You have a hard time being assertive or saying no. Then you have to watch this video all the way to the end because you're going to discover the classic nice person's dilemma and how to free yourself from it. So I'm Dr. Z. I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence. And I've written six best selling books, two of which are about niceness. And what most people don't realize is that niceness is not about being kind or a good person. Niceness is actually a fear based path pattern rooted in a feeling of I'm not safe or I'm not okay, unless you're okay, AKA you don't have any negative feelings and then you'll like me and I'll be safe. So here is the dilemma that that creates. Most nice people that I know have been living what I call the nice cage for most of their lives. And that's just trying to please everybody. I'm gonna try to please my spouse, I'm gonna try to please my boss, I'm gonna try to please my friends. I'm gonna be definitely my family and my parents. And I'm gonna be whatever you want, whatever you want me to be. I'll be. Not just in about where I work and what education I pursue, but even down to the smallest day to day moments. How I dress, how I use my face, my voice tone, the way that I express my body, everything is going to be filtered through. Do you like it? So that's one half of the dilemma. A nice person wants to be liked by everybody. The other side of it is that you want to come alive. You want to be authentic, you want to be who you really are, you want to pursue in life, you want to go after the things that are meaningful for you. You want to create relationships. You don't want to just have a partner, right? You want to be in that relationship. You don't want to just get a job. You want to actually be able to express yourself and work and grow and learn and be who you are. And people that feel like they can't be suffer. There's a massive amount of pain within authenticity. So now you have two sides of this dilemma. You want to everybody like you and you want to be fully yourself. So what do you do? Well, here's the biggest pitfall I see most nice people, like they say okay, that's it. I realize that being nice and trying to please everybody is not going to work for me. I got to live my own life. I got to speak up for myself. I got to start going after things that I want. I'm going to do it. And then they say, okay, here we go. I'm going to do it. But I'm going to check to make sure along the way that everybody's happy, everybody likes it. I call this in my book, less nice, more you authenticity, if it's allowed. Right. So it's like I'm going to say what I think here. Oh, yeah. Okay, good. Tell me what you think. All right, I'll tell you what I think. I think that people should do this in the world. We should change that in the world. And then the listener says, oh, well, I'm not sure I agree. We say, oh, well. Well, it's. What do you think? I mean, really, the most important thing is to make sure that we're getting along and that we agree with each other. So forget all that authenticity thing. And that's what happens. It's like the nice person just throws authenticity under the bus. You get all fired up when you're alone in your room, in your house. Yeah, I'm doing. I'm totally going to do it. And then you get out in the world, that safety pattern kicks in because it's so strong. So this is a nice person's dilemma. You want to be fully light, and you want to be fully yourself. What do you do? Well, you got to let go of authenticity if it's allowed. And you have to choose something over being liked. And I'm not saying you don't care at all about that. And you burn all your relationships to the ground. No, but I'm saying that something's got to matter more than just pleasing everybody. And here is what I'm going to encourage you to choose. This is what I've seen worked for, certainly myself and many clients that I've worked with, hundreds of people over the years. I've worked with face to face, thousands, through groups and larger events and other things like that. And here's what I found make a profound shift for people. Instead of trying to prioritize being like you, prioritize being known. Who am I really discovering and being known to yourself, being curious about what do I think here? What do I feel? What's happening here? Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? And then practicing letting others know you as well. And that might sound kind of simple like oh well yeah, that's easy. Easy on paper. Not when it clashes. What is known or seen by others is not liked by them. Well if being known is a higher priority than being liked. Now you're starting to enter into the realm of freedom and you're breaking out of the nice person's dilemma and you're breaking out of the nice person's cage and I've seen this one question how can I be known that being liked literally changed someone's life? They couldn't have a relationship they couldn't get let people get close to them because I don't know how I'm pleased them to developing better relationships, ending relationships that don't work for them and ultimately creating a life that is a reflection of who you really are. So that's what I want for you Share down below in the comments what are you finding most valuable? How can you bring this into your own life? Let's all grow together until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.