Dr. Aziz argues that many outwardly "nice" people are covertly controlling by trying to manage others' emotions and perceptions. He explains this manifests as people-pleasing, over-responsibility, and internalized anger (which can produce physical symptoms), and urges awareness and reconditioning as a path to freedom. The talk ends with a call to reflect and subscribe.
The shocking truth is most nice people are actually the most controlling people you'll ever meet. Now, that might sound crazy because you say, hold on a second. These. I'm a nice person. I'm not controlling. You know, maybe you think of a controlling person, you think of someone who's saying, put that over there. Do this like this. You're doing that wrong. You're going to do things just the way I want you to, or else they're kind of dominating and domineering, and you think, oh, wow, I'm definitely not like that. In fact, Aziz, I go to great lengths to make sure that I'm not like that. So I'm pretty sure that. That I'm not one of those controlling nice people you're talking about in this video. That's exactly what I thought about myself. And it's, let's just say, more subtle, maybe even more sophisticated in the nice person. So let me describe exactly what it is so you can see the pattern. You can shift it and free yourself and get out of that nice cage once and for all. What do I mean here? Well, a nice person wants people to feel a certain way, right? That's why you're being nice. I want people to feel good. I don't want people to feel upset. I don't want people to feel angry. I'm gonna give to the person when they ask. I'm gonna say yes to. I'm going to go the extra mile. I'm going to be polite. I'm going to be kind. I'm going to be a good person. Why? So that you feel loved, you feel supported, you feel cared for, you feel listened to, you feel helped. Whatever it is you want, you feel it because I did that for you. Now, what am I trying to do there? Well, you might say, well, I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to treat people like I'd like to be treated. Well, you also might be trying to influence or control the emotional states of those around you. Say, well, yeah, isn't that Love is easy. Aren't we doing that with our partner and our friends and people close to us and our colleagues and our employees? Yes and no. You might be thoughtful about the people around you, but are you trying to control how they're feeling and how they're thinking? Ah, this is where it goes. Into the realm of niceness and over people pleasing and over responsibility. Because I tell you, I sure. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel productive at work. I want you to feel loved in a Relationship. But I need you to feel that way. That's where the nice person gets control. Because if you feel upset with me, I know that I'm not okay? And now I'm going to start freaking out inside. And so you'll see a nice person who has to make sure that everyone around them is happy. Have you ever felt that? And then someone around you is not happy, and you start freaking out inside, and you might even get upset with them. What else do they want? How. How can I even make them happy now? Now they're, I did all this, I did that, I did that. And they're still upset. Now, you might not say all that because you're so nice. And you just say, what's wrong, honey? How can I help you? But inside you're like, why do you need so much? Right? And you get, oh, now I'm a nice person. What does a nice person do with anger? I'll tell you what a nice person does with anger. Because I did this for many years of my life. You stuff it down in your intestines and your low back. That's what you do. Works wonderfully until you have chronic pain for 20 years. So the nice person needs other people to feel at peace or they're not at peace. And now you're going to go the extra mile, the extra 26 miles. You're going to go an extra marathon every day to make sure that. That you feel happy, that you are okay, that you got what you need to hear, that this person got what they. So now everybody is doing just fine. Now do you see what I'm talking about here? Is this ringing bells for you? And I'm laughing because I can just see how painful it is, how many years I spent in this, how I can still fall back into this pattern if I'm not conscious and aware of it. Because that's how nice conditioning works. This isn't something that you just read a book about and you're like, wow, cool, that's done, right? No, we got to recondition ourselves. It's like training. It's like fitness. And just like, if you had an upbringing where you grew up eating garbage, if you're not conscious of your diet, you're gonna go straight back to all the fast food, right? And the sodas and all the things that, you know that you don't want to eat. And you stopped a long time ago. Same thing was niceness. You have to be aware of it and shift. I call this the gentle current. In my book, less nice, more youe if you're not conscious of it, it's gonna slowly drift you back in there and. And just pay attention to what I'm describing in this video. Even if you're like, no, I'm not sure I'm like that. Aziz, just watch it. I'm not saying your outward behavior is dominating. I'm saying inside you feel an extreme pressure to control everybody's perceptions. And you might even notice that as hyper thinking you're around people, that person's quiet. What do they want? Why are they so quiet? Are they upset? And it might not even be that they're upset with you. If they're upset with you, you got to go double time to fix it, right? But let's say they're just upset in their life. They're a little quiet. That colleague's a little quiet, that your boss is a little preoccupied looking. Your spouse is a little sullen. And instead of just like, okay, that's where they're at, maybe you could ask, hey, are you okay? You want to share? No, no, I'm okay. Okay. If you're not needing to control everybody, you say okay. They said they'll give them a little space. They're fine. I'll go do something else. I'll check on them a little bit later. If you're a nice person, why are they upset? Even if you go do something else, why are they upset with me? They seem really quiet. I don't know. I don't understand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just like the crank gets going and I gotta control, gotta control, gotta control, gotta control. And here is the liberating moment, my friend. You don't need to control. You can't control. You cannot control the perceptions and the feelings of others. And the more you try, the more you're gonna suffer, the more freaked out you're gonna be, the more anxious you're gonna be. Cause you're trying to control. It's like trying to control the weather. It's crazy. And when you really see that, when you get, wow, I've been so controlling or trying to control very ineffectively. Sometimes just seeing that helps you let go. See. So what do you see about yourself? Share down below in the comments in the video and if you're benefiting from this, please subscribe to the channel. Share with people that you think would benefit from this. So we can all grow together. We can all liberate ourselves together until we speak again. May I have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
