Why Social Anxiety Makes You Awkward (And What To Do About It!)

In case you're wondering, yes, social anxiety makes you socially awkward. Now, before you conclude that you're a lost cause and you have to hide in a hole for the rest of your life, the good news is this is absolutely resolvable, because social anxiety is resolvable. In fact, I spent the last 20 years of my life studying that and helping other people do that. So that's great news. And also, awkwardness is actually not as bad as you think. And in fact, your social anxiety is not only creating the awkwardness, it's also making the awkwardness feel like death. So in this video, you're gonna discover exactly why social anxiety creates awkwardness, and more importantly, what you can do to shift this so that you're free to go talk to people, to go start conversations, to ultimately be who you are around others without the fear of that specter of awkwardness. So let's dive into it. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence, and I've written six best selling books on confidence and social anxiety. And I know this not just from writing books and helping clients, but from my own experience. And I used to be deathly afraid of awkward moments in conversations and would actually create more awkward moments in convers. It's funny how that works, isn't it? So to solve this, we have to take a moment to actually investigate what is awkward. Because we use that word all the time and people are like, well, I don't know what the definition is, but I know it when I feel it. I know it when I see it. Here's what awkward is, though. When you really zoom in, slow down and take a look at it. Awkward actually means anxious, right? Because you might say, I didn't know what to say, or I said something weird or whatever you describe as awkward. But actually what's happening is you are afraid, you're anxious, and then in that place of contracted fearful anxiety, you might either not say anything. And that was my go to for awkward. It's just the deer in the headlights look, so how are you doing? Or the other side. Some people flip into, like, verbal diarrhea, and they're like, I saw my friend, my dog, and you saw this, and the other person's like, whoa, whoa, right? So either way, it's coming from fear. And so when people say, I don't want to be awkward, I want to feel awkward, I don't want to have awkward moments in conversations, that's really hard to do, even if you're really afraid. Because when you're really afraid you're gonna create that tension because awkward, and this is what I want you to take from this video so far, is that awkward equals afraid. That's it. And that also removes all the stigma. Because the worst part about it, the reason we're so afraid of awkward, is not that there's a moment where you don't have to say. In fact, when you don't have all the fear and the terror, that's just fine. To not know what to say for a moment, it's really okay, you know it's gonna die. The conversation doesn't have to explode. You aren't an awful person. But the problem is, when we're living in the social anxiety cage, the moment there's a awkward pause, we freak out inside because we have a shame trigger there. And when we feel like, I don't know what to say, it's not just like, I'm not sure where to take this conversation, it's what the hell is wrong with me? I am awful. I'm unlovable. No one's gonna wanna be my friend. No one's gonna wanna date me. I'm gonna be ostracized forever. Now isn't that not very surprising that we're afraid of that feeling? Right? Because we make it such a catastrophe. So here is how to unwind all of this. We gotta go straight to the root of it. You can't overcome the awkwardness by pre planning the conversation. Trust me, I' by having just the perfect social strategies where you mapped everything out. It doesn't work. It breaks down. Because at the root of it, which we're going to solve, is the fear. Right? And that's what social anxiety really is. It's just a fear of people based upon the idea that there's something wrong with you. And so every time you have a moment where you don't have to say, you confirm this deep, dark fear that there's something wrong with me. So the good news is there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with social anxiety. It's just fear. So I'm afraid of people when I'm experiencing social anxiety. And we got to go at it at the root, which is that fear of people. What are you afraid of around people? Because in order to experience awkwardness, which is coming out of, remember, just fear. Awkward equals afraid. We are afraid of an interaction with somebody. And what are you afraid of when it comes to interacting with somebody? Well, generally when we're feeling anxiety, we are attached to needing that person to perceive you in some certain way. I need them to like me. I need to not dislike me. I need them to think I'm cool. I need to want them to date me, and I need them to want to be my friend. Whatever it is, you got to impress them. And now I am afraid because what if I can't control that? What if I can't impress you? And now something real bad is going to happen. And so the key to really release yourself from awkwardness is to actually release yourself from the need to control the other person in any way. I don't need to make you like me. I don't need you to think that I'm cool. I don't need to impress. You might say. Easy for you to say, Aziz. I do need to impress my friend's friends. I do. I'm meeting my girlfriends tonight. I need to impress them. Or else. Or else. Or else. And look, that strategy of freaking yourself out like, you better perform or else you're gonna die. I don't think it's gonna work so well. I think it's gonna create more fear. What do you think it's gonna create more fear? It's probably gonna create more fear, right? So let's do something better. What's the better thing? Is to calm yourself before social interactions and remind yourself with this simple but powerful tool with a breath, which sends a calming message to your nervous system, and then a mo. Mental message, a mantra, something you say to yourself, which is, I don't need to control anybody to be okay to be safe. I don't need anything from any one particular person to be safe. And when you remind yourself of that, you're going to calm down that inner social anxiety, and you're going to all of a sudden realize that if there's a moment in a conversation, there's a pause. In fact, pauses can be beautiful moments in conversation. It could be a little breath, and then you come up with a topic that you're actually interested in instead of the panicky asking the next question. So there's not that dreaded mom awkward silence. You can go into the silence, feel good, and then find your next step, the next moment in the conversation, and actually be right there connecting with that person as opposed to in your head, protecting yourself from some imaginary fear that you're trying to control. So share down in the comments what you're finding most valuable, what you're going to take from this video, and until we speak again, we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.