Why You Feel Inferior (And How To Stop)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about feelings of inferiority. That means feeling less than others. And the words are. They don't. They're not totally accurate. People often don't walk around saying, I feel inferior or inadequate. I found with those feelings, there's something that's much more primal that we all know, even if those words kind of point towards it, but don't really capture the experience. Because, yes, I feel inferior or less than, but that's also combined with a sense of shame or unworthiness, unlovability, maybe even not belonging, not deserving of attention or connection. So it's a pretty thick stew of painful emotion, which might not sound like something fun to listen to, perhaps on your drive to work or if you're working out or something, but stick with me because it's. It can plague it so many of us, and it can be there and it can persist despite some of the ways you've maybe tried to address it or overcome it. So I think you're gonna get a ton from being with me here. I encourage you to stick with it, even if it's a potentially unpleasant topic, because you're gonna feel just a great deal of relief because we're not just gonna talk about where it comes from, but also what to do about it and how to really shift it. And I'm gonna share some very specific, practical ideas as I always try to do in this show. So it's not just more theory for you, but it's actually something you can apply in your life and start to feel more confident today right now. You ready? All right, let's dive into it. So where do these feelings of inferiority come from? Why do I feel that way? That might be the subject that you've explored for a while. Maybe you've done therapy and come up with some interesting realizations about family, or maybe. Maybe you had an alcoholic parent or you had someone who you weren't. People didn't pay attention to you or emotions weren't allowed growing up. I mean, there's maybe you were bullied, maybe you were like an outcast. You moved a lot when you were a kid. I mean, there's so many different potential experiences that leave a residue where somewhere along the way you get the idea that you are not what you should be. Now what's interesting about therapeutic approaches I've found is that people that I talk to who end up working with me have, have a lot of insight. They're like, this is what happened when I was young. This is why I feel inferior, this is why I feel bad about myself. This is why my self esteem is low. This is why I don't have confidence. Great. Okay, now we know. So what? Well, I'm kind of screwed now. If they're talking to me, they're hoping they're not screwed and they're trying to change it. Right? But that's kind of how it can feel. I have a really good narrative of why this the way I'm the way that I am, but I don't know how to change it. And so that's what I really want to get into in today. So there could be a wide variety of reasons, but the, the result is now present day. You have a internal critic. An internal. It might be a voice, it might just be a place from which you observe a perspective or set of perspectives about you and about others. And so it's maybe not non verbal. And this critical perspective will compare you to others or to some ideal standard of a fantasy version of you. And you're lacking in that comparison. And then all those bad feelings ensue. So what's happening is regardless of the origin or the source, parents, other kids, family challenges and upbringing, now you are practicing something yourself. You're doing something upon yourself that is causing this, this, this pattern to keep running. I think it's a really important distinction because it takes it out of the past and something you probably can't do anything about to something that you can do something about right now, today. Well, what's the things we can do about it? Well, one thing I like to do with clients is to slow down and get curious and say what, what are you actually comparing yourself on? Because what's happening is you are not. You can. We can compare ourselves about 5,000 different things and you might be more or less or better or worse than people in all kinds of things. Maybe you're better at whittling a stick than I am into some sort of sharp point or, or maybe even, you know, I don't know, a piece of little wood stick art. Maybe you've never picked up a knife and don't know how to whittle at all. It's possible that you would feel inferior about that, but probably not. You might actually be able to acknowledge, oh yeah, I'm inferior. I'm worse at Aziz and whittling. Actually, I don't know to whittle at all. My son, my older son, Zaim, he's pretty good at it. So let's just. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm certainly worse. I'm gonna just assume that you might be worse too. No offense. Maybe you're an awesome whittler, but let's say you're like, yeah, I'm inferior to that little kid of whittling. Okay, so what? Probably have a so what reaction to that. Right, Right. So there are thousands of things that you could compare yourself on that don't really push any buttons and don't trigger that inferiority. And so who cares? Right? So what? You're better at some things and worse than other things. Doesn't really matter. But what we want to look at are what are the top five or seven that trigger that sense of unlovability? Shame. Bad, unworthy. Because that's what causes all this anxiety. It makes us hard to have a conversation. We feel social anxiety and shame and all this stuff gets stirred up. That's the one that we want to address. So what is it that you compare yourself on that triggers that sense of shame? Usually what you'll discover are it's things that you expect yourself to be, or perhaps that you learned from other people, other kids, your family growing up, what is important and how you're supposed to be. So for example, maybe you compare yourself on intelligence. Oh, that person sounds really smart. They seem to know a lot. They're really educated. Or they speak very articulately. Oh, no. Oh, shame. I'm not. I should be smarter. I'm not smart. Maybe that one pushes the button for you. Maybe it's someone's confidence level. I see this a lot in clients that I work with. Right. Because they feel like I should be more confident. Look at that person. They're so self assured and confident. I suck in this shame. Shame spiral induces. Maybe it's physical appearance, whether it's their. Their thinness, leanness, muscles, face, facial appearance. Maybe it's wealth. Oh, look at that person driving that fancy car. Oh, I'm never gonna. Oh, I'm such a loser. Oh, right. So what are the ones for you? And there's many others. I just listed a couple of the big common ones. But what are the ones for you? Let's take a. You can come up with a more thorough official list some other time if you want, but just off the top of your head, can you come up with two or three right now? Because it'll make this so much more relevant for you. Okay. Interesting. You got a couple. What do you notice? Why does that one push a button when 4,000 other ones wouldn't? Is it because someone told you that it was really important? Do you think that if you're not that way, then you won't get love? You won't be worthy of love? There's no right answer here. It's just worth looking at. And then a key question is, who told you? So, that's an interesting one. Like, where did I learn that? And who's telling you that now? Right? Because how old are you? I don't know how old you are. You could be like 9 years old listening to the show. Probably not. Although kudos to you, good little sir or madam at age 9. Well done. But, you know, you're probably an adult, and so dad thinks that you should be smarter. You know, maybe he told you that a lot when you were a kid or implied it or got frustrated at you and you thought that that meant that you were stupid or not smart enough or not getting things quick enough. Okay, let's say. Let's just give your. Your perspective, the benefit of doubt, and say, no, no, no, dad. Dad was rough. Dad said, you know, why'd you get a 95 instead of a hundred? You're stupid, you're lazy. You're never gonna amount to anything. You gotta try harder. What's wrong with you? I'm way smarter than you. That'll be some fine parenting, but happens all the time. Okay, and now you're, let's just say, 30 years old. And are you living with your dad? Is he continuing to say that stuff to you? And if so, I'm sorry. That sucks. You gotta get out of there as soon as you can. But most of the time, I'm talking to people and the original stimulus is gone. Those bullying kids are gone. The parents telling you what you should or shouldn't do is gone. Maybe you see them once in a while. Maybe they still want to tell you what to do or how to be. But it's not every day you're not living in their house. So who is telling you that it's so bad and you're so bad and it's inferior and you can't. You're not worthy of love and you can't connect and have belonging. Who's telling that to you? You're probably telling that to you. It's you. Me. I told me so again and again and again and again and again and again and again. And then I believed it. And then I feel terrible about myself. It's like, that's a shocking. Shocking that I would feel bad about myself when I'm the one who's doing it many times a day in my own head. But that's what's happening. And then you want to start to unravel. What the heck am I doing to myself? Why am I continuing to do this? Why do I. And some people say, well, it just happens. It just keeps going, okay, why do you keep buying into it? Why do you give it credence? Have you ever had a crazy thought? Have you ever had a thought that didn't come true? Prediction that was inaccurate? A thought that maybe was dramatic in the moment, and then an hour later you saw it totally differently. And yet for some reason, when you see someone who's confident and then you have this immediate underlying, critical thought, oh, I'm not confident. They're so much better than me. Everyone wants them, not me, therefore I'm unlovable. I mean, you don't say all those things, but that's what comes with it. Like, in a moment with that perspective. Why do you believe that? Ever wonder about that? I have a theory about this, and I think it goes with what we do about it and how we shift it. Because some people are like, well, you just gotta say the opposite. I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm lovable, Gosh darn it, everybody likes me. Well, maybe, you know, that can open a doorway for you, but usually doesn't change people's identity. What I've seen. So what do we do about it? Well, that actually shows the underlying pattern of the purpose of why we're believing this garbage in the first place. Because you look at that confident person, typically the things that you judge yourself on, the reason you buy into them and feel that inferiority and feel that shame, is because you, on some level, or part of you, is convinced that you need to be that way or else you're not lovable. And that's the messaging you probably got when you were young. So I gotta be confident or I'm not lovable. No one likes someone who's anxious or doesn't know what to say next. I gotta be smart. Because if I'm dumb, no one's gonna think I'm worthy. No one's gonna take me seriously. AKA I'm not gonna be lovable. If I'm not totally lean, if I'm not thin enough, then I won't be lovable. Whatever those button pushing ones are for you and you, you've bought in that you need to be that way. And there is this part of you that wants to put a constant reminder and pressure on that to kind of force you there, propel you there, push you there, motivate you there. It doesn't quite work, but you know, keep going. Maybe after another decade the pattern will work. Just takes a while to get started, right? Doesn't work, but we keep doing it. And there's another, more fascinating reveal that makes me totally sure that we humans are crazy and our convoluted patterns. And if you don't think you're crazy, please don't take offense, but you are. We're all crazy, right? We all get these unconscious parts and things we're doing that don't make sense, then we keep doing them. And that's part of our growth here. And that can be an insult and that could be a terrible thing. Or we can have a little bit of humor about it, be like, yep, pretty crazy, but let me see if I can unwind some of my crazy today and be a little less crazy tomorrow. So what's the crazy here? Well, the crazy here is, let me put it to you this way. If you didn't have that shame trigger and you saw someone who was, let's say they were smarter. I talk to people all the time that are smarter than me. You know, I don't know if you can always objectively measure that stuff, but I'll talk to someone like, wow, this person's like super, super brilliant in these ways, or they're more motivated or they're more disciplined, or they may have more success in business, or they're stronger or fitter or faster or whatever happens all the time. And I can notice that. And if there was no reaction to that, if I thought, you know, that person's smarter. And also, I'm smart enough and you know, I can, there's not, there's no limit on what I might be able to experience in my life. I can still have friends, I can still connect, I can still succeed in work, I can still have a meaningful life. What's wrong with that? Why wouldn't I just go with that perspective and not have it bother me? Because you're afraid of living your meaningful life. If you didn't have the shame collapse response, then you'd get out into your life more. And you say, well, it doesn't matter how smart I am, let me go talk to that person. It doesn't matter how much belly fat I got. I'm gonna go approach that person I find attractive. But it's convenient, isn't it, to say, well, no, I'm inferior. I'm so inferior, I just feel so awful. I can't go talk to that person. I feel too inferior. It is a protective shield of inferiority. And if you've been listening to shows regularly, when we were talking about stop hating yourself about three, four weeks ago, there's a lot of overlap here because the critic, the comparison, and the feeling bad about yourself is just another form of self criticism. It's another form of not being on your own side which is serving the same purpose. It's a protective membrane to keep you out of life. Partially engaged in your life, on the sidelines in your life, with, with one foot in, defended, always ready to hop out, oh, I'm gonna go approach those people at the party. Yeah, but I'm not confident enough. I. I might not say the right thing. You know that. Look at that person. Oh, she's so charming. And oh, man, I'm just this wretch over here. What happens when that pattern is running? You don't go talk to people and it feels so real and it's so absorbing. And that, my friend, is the point. Because the more absorbing it is, the more real it is, the more you got to do nine years of therapy to solve your childhood problems. Because that's where it all came from. And if I could just have enough memories of all the terrible things my parents said to me, then somehow I would be free of it. Not really, no. The only way we become free of it is to do in defiance of that doubtful story. And if you rolling your eyes at this point, it's like, I've heard this guy say this before. Yeah, I'm just gonna keep saying it because that's what works. And I don't know what other sources you might listen to, but what, what have they done in their life? And what is their track record working with other people? Because I would say that I've had a lot of experience, not only just in my own life, but working with a lot of people over the years. And that is what I am supporting people in doing, is taking the action in defiance of that inferior story. And I was just speaking with a client the other day, and, you know, he's really kind of bought into some of those stories, like, no, but I really am bad and unlovable in these ways. So part of our work is to try to help soften that self hatred. And it's, you know, it's got a lot of momentum to it. And underneath it is just so, so, so much fear. Fear of stepping into your life. And you might say, why would I be scared to step in my life? That's what I want, Aziz. I want to get out there. I want to connect. I want to have relationships and date and have adventures and deep connections and friendships. I want to live. I know you do. And there's a part of you that's scared. And so you may want to start to investigate and get curious about that part. So instead of buying into the big drama of this inferiority, you might make a list instead. In fact, let's do that as our action step. Time for action. Action, action. For your action step, let's make a list. The list is what I would do if I was. What's the opposite of inferior? I guess superior. But what if I was the best in the world? You know, but you were completely. You were impervious to inferiority. It was irrelevant. You were not inferior. You were. You were equal. Maybe you were even superior. You were just so amazing. Let's just go with that. You're so amazing. You're smart, you're attractive, you're funny, you're fit. Maybe. Like I'm not fit as easy. Look, I can't, you know. I know there's a thought experiment here. Notice how you want to cling to the old stories. No, don't take them from me. I need them for protection. Keep me safe. There's wolves out there in my life, Right? So what. What is it that you would do if you. Let's summarize. Simplify and summarize the statement. If you knew you were awesome, what would you go do? Make a list. Make a list now of five things. Ten things. That right there is your ticket to freedom out of inferiority, is to do those things. Maybe not all at once. Maybe it's overwhelming. Maybe you create a ladder to victory, which I talk about in my program, Confidence University. You can check that out if you want. At the confidenceuniversity.com, we create these ladders to victory, where it's a gradual exposure method to overcome social fears, dating fears, career fears, and build core confidence. But you might work your way up to it, but when you do, you'll set yourself free. All right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.