Why You Feel You Have To Earn People's Approval

There is an invisible pressure that impacts you, that causes you to be uncomfortable socially or in a group or speaking up in a high-stakes meeting, that causes stress and fear and anxiety and monitoring yourself. And that pressure is coming from an underlying lie that you've been telling yourself for probably the last 20, 30 years. And you're gonna discover exactly what that is and what the truth is about how you can unlock the most magnetic, confident, and attractive version of you. That pressure that we put on ourselves socially socially, professionally, around other people is I have to be something to get something, right? So in order to get a positive response, get approval, get connection, get them to want to talk to me, to respect me, to love me, to admire me, to even value me, to get that, I have to be something. And that pressure is making you— it's usually vague, like, what is the something? I don't know, but you got to do it. And that's why often that pressure shows up in our experience as a feeling, but also a worrying thought stream that's basically saying whatever you're doing is wrong. Ah, you did that wrong. That wasn't the right thing to say. Why did you approach that way? You're not standing right. Your face isn't doing the right thing. Your clothes aren't right. You're not like those people who are right. You're wrong. It's the wrong thing. And it persists because it's not actually guiding you in any real way, like your— what you really value might— what's important to you might guide you. It's just pressure, and it's based upon a false premise from the beginning, which is that I have to be something other than whatever's here right now. That's the reveal. And the freedom is, what if I don't have to be something other than what I am right now in order to get something? What if the things that I want to experience— connection, them wanting to spend more time with me, or respect me, or all that stuff— what if that naturally can occur with you not having to be something other than what you are? What if you being you, without pressure on yourself to perform, to please, to do some dance, you could show up as you and that would be not just like sufficient, like, oh, that's okay. All right. Yeah. But that would be the best, the most attractive, the most magnetic, the most fun, the most interesting, the most alive, the most dynamic. And as soon as we open to that idea, wait, I could just show up more as myself without this pressure. There can be a little bit of anxiety or fear or mistrust of that. Like, really? I don't know. Not for me. Maybe for that person, because what they say is going to naturally be funny and interesting. And we are always doing this comparison game, like, well, look at them, they know what to say. Look at her, she's so polished and has all the right stories and the right humor, the wit. Not me. And so we sell ourselves a story that I am somehow deficient and that me just being me ain't gonna cut it. It's not magnetic, it's not desirable. So therefore I have to put the pressure on myself to be something in order to get the something. Is this resonating for you? Do you see this like pattern playing out in our minds. What I'm going to encourage you to do is to test out that story that you have to be something way better and way different. You don't even know what it is. Just whatever I'm doing is wrong. That you can hear that voice say, that's wrong, that's wrong, and say, okay, that voice is talking, but that's not my authority. That's not reality. That's like the voice in your head when you're driving your car and you're leaving your house. You're like, did I leave the stove on? And you know you didn't leave the stove on. And you're like, no. No, that's like an OCD thought. We don't need to do that. We don't need to turn around. We just set it aside. We categorize it as irrelevant and move forward. And then we step into that circumstance because here's why I'm going to sell you on why you are magnetic. And that's all the criteria you've set up about your appearance and your history and your whatever you need to be. I'm going to say why that's none of that's true. Because what makes people like us is not having the best thing to say. It's not being super polished. It's not being the best looking. What actually— pause and really question that. Like, what actually makes people lean in and want more? And it's not about you doing something, pressuring yourself, and it's not you getting something from them. So what is it? I would say what draws people in is really just two things. It's an uninhibited expressiveness of whatever's moving through you in the moment, right? Have you ever seen people like that? They just seem at ease. Maybe you felt this way at times. You're just at ease in your own skin, and then what you say is pretty funny. It's your best material, comes out of you. You just say stuff and then it's— and you crack yourself up. You are enjoying your own expression. And you can see this in everything, not just socially. You want to— you're restricted in dancing, which I've been for many years in my life. It was just so— I'm so uncomfortable. I can't— I'm not comfortable in my body. The key that I discovered to actually enjoying dancing— wouldn't say I'm a great dancer. No one, no one would, uh, label me as that. That's okay. I don't want to train and learn and all that stuff. I just want to move my body around, usually to some weird EDM music. But I enjoy it. What I found to enjoy it— at first I had all this self-criticism, like, oh, I look bad, I'm awkward, I'm and everyone's judging me and all that. And I kind of pushed through that, like, no, I don't care what they think, I'm going to do what I want. And I was a little more free, maybe free in behavior, but not necessarily free in spirit, because there I am judging myself or fighting their judgment, but doing it anyway. It's a good interim step, but true freedom is going to be when I'm playing a different script in my head. And that script is— I'll never forget, I remember I was dancing somewhere and kind of pushing through. I'd done that a lot at that point, like courage and boldness, and then, okay, I'm free to do what I want. And then I had a moment I was like, I was listening to something and there was like some piano on top of some bass in there. And I started moving my fingers like to the piano in a way, like wiggling my hands around, like sort of. And then I had this moment of like, what if I was the instrument and the music was playing me? And it was fascinating. And then I was like, what if it's beautiful? Not in some evaluative way, like you're watching a video on giving a comment, eh, their dance moves. But what if the expression of life through me and through you, however it is, is beautiful? Not the polished one. That means when someone someone says a joke and you laugh and then you snort as you inhale, that is beautiful. It's not polished, it's not designed to impress, but it's alive. And so what if that expressive aliveness is what pulls people in? And so the very thing we're trying to do, which is pressure myself to be something, no matter how polished that something is, the performance, it is actually less attractive because it's deadened or confined or controlled. Like, what's more fascinating to watch? Do you want to see— imagine you could, through a documentary, watch a snow leopard. If you've ever this clip, it's amazing. A snow leopard who is chasing an ant, you know, some sort of antelope or something, or a goat, on a freaking cliff face. Like, a human would just tumble down this thing, like, ah! And they're not just keeping their balance on it, they're sprinting up and down this thing. They'll never forget the first time I saw this, maybe like 25 years ago, and I watched it and I was like, what is this? Like, creatures can do this? It is extraordinary. So compare that to a snow leopard in a zoo. We were at the Santa Barbara Zoo not that long ago, and last summer with my family, and, uh, they had a regular leopard in a zoo. And, you know, it wasn't a cage, but like back in the day, in like the early 1900s, the zoo was like literally a prison cell. Now it's like, you know, a doctored-up prison cell. They got glass on the wall and they got a fake tree in there. And that leopard was just pacing, man, back and forth and back and forth on the front of the glass. I was like, I don't like zoos, this is painful. And that's you when you try to pressure yourself to be somebody. You're— that full aliveness is compressed into this creature. And that's— it's not nearly as compelling to watch a leopard. I mean, I could watch that for like 3 minutes to just feel depressed and leave. I could watch a snow leopard running around in the mountains for hours. It's fascinating. So that's the one part, is you being fully expressively alive is magnetic. And then the second piece is, instead of I'm going to try to get something from you, it's so simple. It's curiosity. Wide open, fascinated curiosity. Almost not just like, where do you work? Cool, right? It's, um, maybe you want to know that, that's fine, if it's authentically You're, you're curious about that. You probably don't ask this question literally, but the essence, your attitude, your energy as you approach them and talk to people and connect with people is, how does life move through you? So yes, it's who are you, but don't not just tell me a bunch of stuff about yourself, right? It's a fascination. How do they smile? What do they laugh at? What are their passions? What are their weird quirks? What is their snorting laugh? What do they think about what just happened last week? What are they stressed about? Like, what is— who are— what's going on? How is life being expressed and experienced through you right now. And then when we do that, when we go in with this, I am free to express who I am, I want to discover how life is expressing through you and who you are, can you feel how interesting and engaging and alive that conversation is going to be? Whether it's at line at a Starbucks at an airport, or a new best friend, or a potential lover, because that— it's freedom, it's social freedom, it's aliveness, and, and it's authenticity. It's you. And so that's why I'm making the case that the most authentic version of you is actually the most attractive and compelling professionally and set up for success. And the one invitation is to test that out because the doubt voice will say, "Eh, no, I don't believe it. I don't buy it." I'm going to say, well, let's bring courage to that. It's not skepticism, it's fear. It's a shell. Because if we're skeptical, we can say, "I don't know about that, but let me test it out." That's healthy science. Let me run an experiment. But if you've already preconcluded what the result of the experiment is going to be, that's not science. That's not discovery. That's just certainty. Confirming my old identity. And the simplest way to implement this is 2%, 3%. So that's a question I love to ask clients is, okay, got it. Authenticity, myself. I hear ya. I'll test it out. But if you're like, okay, my next conversation, I'm gonna be like, who are you? Here's me. Yeah. It's a little overwhelming. You know, we're like, I don't even know what that is. Now I have a pressure to figure out I gotta be so authentic right now. What's the most authentic version of me? Ah, right. No. No, just 2%. So what does that mean? Well, if I was being 2%, if I let myself be 2% more expressive right now, what would that look like? And that might mean no change in the words that you say, but maybe you— your face is a little more uncontrolled, right? You just, you know, you're not observing your face and trying to have it not smile or smile or do the thing. Maybe one little thing slips out, right? Someone says something and you're like, what? Are you sure about that? You're a little, you know, playfully calling them out or something. Just a little bit at a time. And the same thing for that curiosity. Just what if I 2, but what is one thing I could be more curious? Is there anything I'm really curious about with this person? Let me, let me ask that. And always, even if it's 2%, the only obstacle is not that the other person's going to, you know, throw tomatoes at you and say bad performance. Their biggest obstacle is our own sense of discomfort at expanding into that bigger, freer version of ourselves, because we hunger for it, we want it, and it's scary, it's vulnerable. Ah. Because if I'm no longer hiding behind the shell and the performance and I'm just like, here I am, and they're like, oh, I don't really like that, which will happen no matter how expressive you are, no matter how fascinated and curious you are. I'm not for everybody, you're not for everybody, everybody's not for everybody. And so people will cross paths and not want more, and that's okay. Because if you say no to me and then I say, okay, in the future I will stop being me and I'll cage myself so that maybe the next person will say yes, now I'm letting you determine who I am allowed to be. And that, if you have a value or a desire or a preference for freedom, as most humans do, for autonomy, that doesn't sit well. So this random person is going to determine who I can be? Like, I have to cage myself for the next person? And notice that language: I am caging myself. So what if you decided to set yourself free and realize that no one is caging you, and all they're saying at worst is, no, no thank you, don't want it? So my invitation for you this week is to go test this out. Lean in 2%. Don't just take my word for it. Find out in your own experience what actually happens and see how you can set yourself free.