Why You Might Secretly Want Low Confidence (Shocking!)

Is it possible that you secretly might want to have low confidence that experiencing social anxiety and feeling bad about yourself and like you're not good enough or judging yourself, like all these painful things, Is it possible that part of you actually wants that to continue? Now, I know this is not a popular question, and you might feel a little uncomfortable as I ask that question, maybe even a little irritated. Like, what do you mean? Like, no, I'm watching your video, this channel, to experience less anxiety and more confidence. So how dare you? How dare you insinuate that I might actually secretly want it? Well, I'm not saying for sure that you are. I just know that I've seen this again and again and again in working with thousands of people and actually honestly with myself too. So let's just try it on as a thought experiment. Why might you want it to continue? Let's say you have. You're very judgmental and critical of yourself. You don't think much of yourself in a certain area. You're not very smart or I'm not very attractive. One of those big areas of life, right? No one want to be with me. I can't have a relationship. Okay, why? Why might you want to conclude that? It's really interesting. I was just talking in a hot seat coaching with one of the people in my Mastermind program, and he was struggling with dating. And he had a very toxic, negative self talk, self critic and identity of himself. I'm unattractive, I'm a loser. No one's going to want to date me. Okay? So we start working on that and challenging it. I noticed at every step of the turn he was fighting back to preserve this identity. No one could talk him out of it. Not me, no other group member. There was no evidence. There was nothing. It was locked in. This is how it is. So at some point I stopped and I said, seems to me like you're fighting to preserve this, like, I'm a terrible unlovable person identity. Do you see that too? And he paused and he's like, yeah. I said, hmm, I wonder what the payoff for that might be. And he didn't miss a beat. And he said, well, I don't have to get rejected. And I said, ah, wow, great awareness. Most people might not even be aware of that. And that's what it was for him. I don't know what it is for you. Maybe you don't want to fail. But people tell themselves they're not smart enough so they don't have to try, so they don't fail. Maybe you get to avoid failure, embarrassment, rejection, loss. What is it, some bruise to your ego? If you couldn't do something at a certain time, maybe you get to stay protected and guarded. I see this a lot. When people open their hearts in some way, either to a relationship or to a dream, and then they go for it and then it doesn't. It ends in heartbreak. They break up, they divorce, the business doesn't work or whatever, they really try for something and. And then after that, whoom, they create this new identity that says, that's never gonna happen for me. And there's all these stories, right? Like I'm not smart enough or I wasn't attractive enough. I don't have this or that. They have all these reasons, but underneath is like, nope, not possible. And they close it off. So the payoff is, well, you don't have to go into any uncomfortable feelings. You could just try to bury all that stuff and never feel it again. Because look, if you open your heart again, maybe you'll feel some of those things again, some of those fears, some of those vulnerabilities. So in sum, it's not just one feeling like rejection. It could be the purpose. The payoff is if you stay in that low confidence, that anxiety state, you just are generally trying to feel less. The payoff is you get to feel less, or at least try to. You don't have to feel intense discomfort in any sort of way. You can try to live a slightly more comfortable existence. You also get to feed off of a very low quality fuel for your certainty need. Every human has a need to feel certain. This comes from Tony Robbins and the human needs psychology, right? But it's like, I got to know where my next meal is. I got to know that I have enough roof over my head. Some basic certainty helps us feel secure in life. And what can happen is you can get addicted to certainty. And so if you step into that conversation, I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe they will like me, but they won't. Maybe I will get the sale, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll do this thing I won't. That's uncertain. And so some part of it's like, you know what? I'm just going to stay totally certain and know that it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. I'm 100% sure it's not going to happen. Now that's not reality. You don't know what out there is going to happen, but you lock it in, in your mind. Because there's an addiction to certainty. So I wonder what's coming up for you. What are you seeing? What are these payoffs? And again, this is uncomfortable, but worth it. Because when you call yourself out on this stuff, that's when things can start to change and change fast. Fantastic. Share down below what you're discovering about yourself. And until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Talk to you soon.