Why You Need People To Like You (Even When You Don’t Like Them)

There's a moment, and if you've experienced this, you're going to recognize yourself in this situation, where you want to go say something. You've thought about it, you know what you want to say, maybe you've even rehearsed it in your head, and then you get into that situation and what comes out of your mouth is different. It's softer, maybe it's nicer, maybe you've left certain things out, maybe you didn't even say anything at all. And this is not a confidence problem, this is a pattern. And after working with thousands of people, I've discovered that there's actually only 4 patterns that we run. And that's what I'm going to share with you today. So let's look at the situation though, because this isn't just you relaxed hanging out with a friend, right? This is a situation where something specific is going on that makes you edit yourself or stay quiet or not say what you really mean. And the situation has something in common. It could be at work, it could be in your social life, dating life, with family. But there's one thing that's in common across all those domains, and that is you're not quite sure how it's gonna go. Like, it could go well, whatever that looks like. The person could approve of me, they could say yes, they could nod their heads, they could agree, they could hear what I'm saying, they could listen to my feedback, whatever it is. Or it could not go well. Now we all know what not going well looks like, right? That's when their eyebrow furrows and look at you, hmm, they get defensive. What do you mean, huh? Or they just seem to dislike you, reject you, shake their head at you, say no to you, right? So the unifying theme across these situations is I don't know what's gonna happen. There is uncertainty in that connection or relationship between you and me in that moment. And this could be with a stranger. I don't know if you're gonna like me or want to talk to me or not. And it could be with your spouse. I don't know how she's going to respond to this. Ooh, right? So as soon as you have that moment of I don't know and ooh, as in it could be bad, that's when this pattern kicks in. And again, there are 4 main ways that we do this. Let me share what they are. So the first is what I call the Diplomat. And if you're the Diplomat, well, You're very diplomatic. You make sure that what you say is smooth, is soft, is edited just right. You're very perceptive of the other person to see, hmm, is this going to land well with them? What would I need to change to make sure that it does land well with them? You often might put a lot of qualifiers on what you say. You soften the point. You dilute your point so much that maybe you walk away feeling like, I don't even know what I said or if they got what I said. But one thing that's for sure is you didn't upset them. And so you smooth everything over, but you might not actually be assertive in the way that you want. People might not take you seriously or respect you in the way that you want. So they might not harshly dislike or reject you, but they might not respect you or even really know you because you held so much back. And this shows up a lot, especially as you get into close relationships, where with diplomats, they might have a spouse for years, and the biggest complaint or challenge of the spouse is like, "I don't really know you." And they're like, "Oh, what do you mean? I have told you a lot about me." Right? But what they're saying is, "You are holding so much back and editing yourself real time to be what I want that I don't really know you." That's the diplomat. The next type is what I call the avoider. This one's fairly obvious, right? You avoid the situation. I did this for so many years in my life where it's like, "How is it going to go? I'll tell you how it's going to go. It's going to go bad." So why would I go talk to that person? And this is true for me when I was younger in my dating life. I didn't date for many years. Why would I go talk to a woman? I already know how it's gonna go because of this. Like, look at me. What do you, how do you think it's gonna go? And so I'm not gonna go do it. And that could be initial conversations, initial connections. This shows up with people at clients I work with around networking, business, putting anything out there of themselves, whether it's a conversation or their work or anything, they tend to avoid it. I'll do it later. I'll share later. I'll share when it's more perfect. I'll, I'll get to it at some point. There's always a reason, always an excuse. And even if you are in the situation with someone, a close friend, a relationship, a colleague, they tend to delay the conversations that they need to have and maybe avoid those altogether too and wait until circumstances forces you to have the conversation. That's the avoider. Next is what I call the fixer. And if you're a fixer, well, you gotta fix things. And you have a superpower. This is where you are able to feel other people's emotions and energy and know what's needed. So very attuned, very empathic is what I've seen for Fixers. And so you walk into the room and you might know, okay, that person's upset, this person needs that. You're hyper-attuned to facial expressions and body language and making sure that no one is upset. Try to make everybody happy. It's like the mother hen. Is that— are you okay? Are you okay? Are you— I'm not okay if you're not okay, so let's make sure that you're okay right now. And this could be with a stranger. You tune in to see what they might want to talk about, what might make them feel better. You tend to be a really good listener. And this can show up in romantic relationships too, and with a partner, where you're just constantly trying to make them happy. A lot of guilt. Oh my goodness, the Fixer lives in anxiety if someone is going to be upset with me, and guilt. I've done something wrong, I haven't done enough. Let me take on more, let me take on more, let me over-function to make sure that no one is burdened. Fixers like to say— well, not out loud, but they like to pretend— I have no needs, I'm not a burden, I'm not a bother, whatever you want, I'm just a 100% giver, 100% output, don't need to receive anything myself. And then that brings us to the fourth type, which is the Performer. And the Performer is really focused focused on being awesome and managing their impression, making sure that they impress other people. And so that means rehearsing the thing before you say it, getting it super sharp. They're often over-preparers, over-rehearsers, again and again perfectionists. It's got to be just right. And I don't mean you email just to be just right, that's one domain, but even how you look, how you stand, you might like have a sort of a social charm that you feel the need to turn on. You always need to be on, as it were. And this can get really exhausting, especially after date 2. You know, you've been working at the company for a couple of months, can you just like let your hair down and be you and do some work together? And you're like, nope, nope, nope. And this shows up with a lot of anxiety, a lot of performance anxiety, pressure. That's how it shows up. Imposter syndrome is another huge facet of the Performer. So I'm curious, as you hear those, do you see yourself in those types? You know what I found is a lot of people do a number of them, but each person tends to have a dominant type. And so if you want to know what your approval type is, I created a short quiz, takes about 2 minutes, that you can take if you go to www.draziz.com. That's D-R-A-Z-I-Z dot com. You can go right there, find out your type, and then start to learn more about how that shows up in your life and how to fundamentally change this pattern. So what do you see in yourself? What do you relate to from these types? And then also, what's happening here? Because so often people that come to work with me are like, hey, I've done a lot of stuff. I've done therapy, I've read books, I've— I really understand that I need to be more direct or be more assertive. That's not new information to me. But then when I get in the moment, I don't— I just can't. I just run. I just do the same old thing. That's what they're telling me. And that's because they're running a pattern. And there's a very specific reason why you're running that pattern. In fact, there's your conscious mind, you know, your, your thinking brain who reads the book or watches the video and is like, yeah, you know, do what scares you. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Exposure therapy. Do the thing. Okay. And that part of you decides We're going to go in tomorrow and we're going to be more direct at work. If you're more the Diplomat type, you're gonna say, you know, I'm gonna shoot straight tomorrow, tell them like it is. Or if you're the Avoider type, you're gonna say, you know what, I'm gonna have that conversation, or I'm gonna step into that room and let myself be seen. I'm gonna be more bold tomorrow. The Fixer is like, you know what, that person has a problem in their life, I don't need to take it on, I'm just going to let them do what they do and it's okay, I don't have to rush in and solve it. And the Performer is like, you know what, I'm just gonna share this off the cuff today and be more spontaneous and more me. Sounds like a great plan, right? You ever made that plan yourself? Then what happens? You into that situation. Let's just choose a work meeting as an example, and boom, the old pattern kicks in. And there's a very specific reason for this that I want you to understand, and that is because beneath the conscious mind there is some wiring in the deeper centers of your brain, what's called the limbic system, which controls your emotions, and it's attuned socially to a sense of safety. And so that system will override the conscious mind, just like if you were to touch a hot stove or you step into the road and a bus is coming your way, your body will pull back from that situation to keep you safe before your conscious mind even knows what's going on. You could just be like, you know, walking around watching a YouTube video on your phone as you walk, and then you step in front of the bus. In fact, where I live, I live near Portland, Oregon, and they had buses for years. They had like a campaign on the side of buses that basically said, don't walk into the road. It was trains too. Don't walk into the road or the train tracks while looking at your phone or you will die. Like, that's what the campaign was. I was like, is this, is this what we've come to where we need to tell people that? In any case, if you're doing that and then something's coming your way, you're gonna pull back out of that situation. Your body's gonna reflexively pull back. And I want you to hear that word reflex and see that that's exactly what's happening here. What's going on is there's a deeper part in your brain that says danger, get away to create safety. And that is exactly what's happening in that work meeting. Even if you know on some rational level that speaking up at work, that's what you're paid for, or going over and talking to somebody whether they like you or not, on your conscious mind is like, "Hey, I'll be fine. It's all right." But in your below that conscious level and in your body, in your nervous system, it's the same as a bus coming your way or touching a stove. And there's a reason for that because you have wiring in there that has one core equation that's been distilled down. And stay subscribed to this because in upcoming trainings I'm going to be sharing with you about what— where exactly that wiring— we're gonna go deep into that, where it comes from, why you have it, and how to change it. But the essence of it is this: you've wired up that disapproval equals danger. Just like a bus coming at you is dangerous, or touching fire is dangerous, disapproval is dangerous. And so that's why when you go into that situation and you— remember I said at the beginning of this, if you were relaxed, if knew the person liked you, if you're hanging out with a good friend or someone you love and you don't feel that concern about if they're going to disapprove of you or not, then this doesn't arise. But it shows up in the moments where you're not sure how it's going to go. That can feel like a sense of pressure, and then we override ourselves to make sure that we do not experience what is dangerous, which is disapproval. Does that make sense? Are you following me? Because if you really get this— I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who are like, I just need more confidence, I just got to know the right body language, and let me rehearse my speech, let me I'm gonna go to Toastmasters. Let me, let me sound better, look better, get more suave, get more something. And they think it's about getting more confidence, but it's underneath that pattern is going to keep firing. And so you'll, yeah, you'll be more confident or look better or more polished when you feel safe. But then the second you're in a situation where that's threatened, where disapproval is possible, boom, the old pattern will kick in, which is why it can go on for 10, 20, 30, 40 years. In fact, most people I work with, the pattern's been running on average between 20 to 30 years. In their lives. It doesn't just change because we consciously think I should do differently, 'cause we've wired disapproval equals danger. So you get into that work situation, you're gonna speak up, you're going to shoot straight— all those examples I gave earlier— and what happens is there's another part of your brain that if we could give it words would say, oh whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're saying you want to run across the freeway in front of all these cars and buses? No, we're not going to let you do that. I can't, I cannot, I'm sorry, right? It's like if this is an outdated reference but 2001 Space Odyssey anyway in case not familiar with it, we might be recreating it now or creating it for the first time in humanity where eventually the robot, this is a sci-fi movie where the robot is kind of piloting the ship. It's like their autopilot and also their kind of guide to get to this other solar system. And at some point the robot starts overriding the human's choices. And there's a classic line from the movie and it says, you know, I'm sorry, I can't let you do that. And then it like, you know, prevents him from doing something that would probably be good for his Survival. So there's a part of your brain that's like, I'm sorry, I can't let you do that. And then it runs one of these 4 patterns in which you override your authentic self, what you really want to say, how you really want to show up, the real you. It overrides that and has you run this pattern that's a smaller, more constricted, or more contorted version of you. So then what comes out is instead of like, I don't agree with this, or this is what I want, or we should do this, it comes out, hey, "Um, you know, I'm not the expert here and you probably know more than me about this, but I'm wondering if..." Right? Do you see how diluted it is? That would be the diplomat. And now I've overridden my authentic self, my expression, who I really am, my real most powerful, most effective, and also in a social setting and even in a work setting, the most compelling magnetic attractive version of me. The one that people are gonna wanna get to know and be friends with or hire or follow as a leader, or date, or be in a relationship with, whether it's professional or personal. So the most authentic version of you is gonna draw people in, but then we run these patterns and that doesn't have the desired effect. We lose our impact, our potency, our assertiveness, our power running these patterns. But we feel like we're caught between a rock and a hard place, right? I have to run this pattern, or it's like get hit by a bus running across the freeway. To some part of you, not your conscious mind. That's why this video is going beneath. That's why I have to say this isn't just a confidence issue. People think that that's what the solution is, and that's initially what I taught people. But then after working with people for so many years now, almost 19, 20, and thousands of clients, I'm like, wait a minute, we gotta address this core pattern, or else the confidence is like polish on your car. That's okay, that's great, you can have your car be shiny, look nice, but if the engine is not running, it's not going to get you anywhere. And this, what I call these approval types, these, these approval, these approval pattern that you're running to make sure that you get approval and avoid disapproval can end up running your life. And it's what explains why you're so worried about what other people think of you, why you can't be your full self around other people, why you feel like an imposter, why you hold back, why you're too nice, why you're pleasing. All of these things come back to these core approval patterns. And so I'm very excited to share these with you. I'm gonna be teaching a lot more about this. And if you wanna find out more and you wanna discover your approval type, how it's running you, all the nuances the depth of it and how to change it, then go to www.draziz.com to take the quiz now. Takes about 2 minutes. The link is in the description. And I cannot wait to hear more about, as you take that, as you're learning about this and how this shifts in your life. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.