Why You Sabotage Yourself...And How To Stop

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about everyone's favorite topic, which is self sabotage. Yay. Now, actually, you might be really intrigued and have clicked on this one. Like, ooh, I have to listen to this. Or maybe it was one that you kind of wanted to avoid listening to. Like, I don't know if I want to hear about that because that's part of how self sabotage works, which you're going to discover in this episode. What self sabotage is, how it operates, how it can almost kind of control you, even if you're sort of aware of it and what you can do to shift it. So I am very excited to share all this with you. By the way, if you aren't aware of this, another free resource that I'd like to let you know about is my YouTube channel called Get More Confidence. You may or may not be aware of it, you might not be watching videos from it, but I highly recommend it. There are so many videos related to the same kinds of things as this podcast that you get to see. Sometimes I demo things like body language. You also learn key insights and you can learn them quicker. We also have shorts as well. I've been releasing a lot of shorts recently so you can get that information and just kind of keep this stuff top of mind because that's really the name of this game. Learning Confidence is. It is learning. And the more you can immerse yourself, the faster you can learn. And of course you want to take things even further. Check out draziz.com-a z I z.com and you can get my free mini course there. Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence or Go Even Further with Confidence University. It's my in depth home training. It's the most powerful confidence building system. Step by step guidance, actions after every lesson to really ensure progress in social life, social confidence, dating and relationships, career and just general self Confidence, and most importantly, keep practicing. That's one of the first things related to self sabotage and why we don't create or achieve what we want or become, who we want to be, who you're called to be. So first things first, though, when we're looking at self sabotage, what does that mean? Well, if you look at the actual definition of sabotage, it's to deliberately destroy or damage something, especially to get a military or political advantage. So it's typically a sneaky subterfuge, spy, ninja, covert, or some other not obvious method of messing your opponent up, sweeping the leg so that they're at a disadvantage, and now you have an advantage. You know, makes sense when you think about warfare, politics, these kind of almost cutthroat ways that humans are with each other, but really strange if you think about yourself. Self sabotage. Why would I deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct myself? Wow. Interesting, right? And the reason people use the word self sabotage is because it has this kind of COVID quality to it. So consciously you're thinking, yeah, I want to get healthier. Yeah, I want to build better friendships. Yeah, I want to get into a relationship. Yeah, I want to speak up at work and become more of a leader. Yes, of course, if I had more confidence, I would do all those things. And then you notice that something is getting in the way, Something is stopping you, and you're not making the progress that you want. That is the result often of self sabotage. So put simply, self sabotage is when you. Or more accurately, a part of you that you might not be fully aware of. Not the conscious part that you're, yeah, I want to make it. I want to do it. There's another part in there that has a counter agenda to your conscious goals that says, no, no, no, no. We're gonna get in there and we're gonna, you know, pour salt or sugar in the gas tank, or we're gonna slash the tires or whatever it is. In the terms of the sabotage metaphor, we're gonna do something to mess you up, to make sure you don't get there. Then that raises the question, you know, wtf? Why do I have a part of me that doesn't want me to have these things that are actually very healthy for me in my life, like friendships and career success and just feeling more confident in myself? I must be really messed up and crazy. And the truth is, you are, but so am I, and so is everybody else, so yay. I mean, humans are just weird, crazy, mixed ambivalent creatures. And that's probably the first step to changing. This is just to smile and acknowledge that and be like, yeah, we're crazy. You know, I was listening to one of my teachers recently and he's like, okay, you want to know if you're crazy? You want to have a quick litmus test to see if you're crazy. He's like, take your fingers, your two first and middle finger, and put it on your other wrist and hold it there for a second and feel. Do you feel a pulse? Okay, you're crazy, right? And there's some relief in that because otherwise we can feel shame or, oh, what's wrong with me? Or I'm so messed up, it's like, nope, this is what we do. This is what humans do. And you telling yourself, I'm crazy and I suck and I'm so bad, that doesn't actually change anything. That. That's a further element of self sabotage. So what is happening there? Why would we do this? Well, if you listen to other episodes of this show or read any of my books, I'm a big fan of the term the safety police, which is your primary saboteur. What is this? This is the part of you, of your. You can think of it as part of your mind that has a different agenda than you and your big goals and your dreams and your desire to connect and share life and love and do meaningful work and all that good stuff. This part of you has one agenda, which is survival. And its primary metric of survival is how safe am I from pain. And so if I'm exposed to pain or potentially could be exposed to pain, then I'm not safe and I'm not going to survive. And so I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that we stay safe so we survive. That's how that part of you thinks. And it's going to influence you to try to prevent you from taking risks in life. So pursuing that change in your career or, or taking that risk to start a business or even just approaching a stranger that you might want to be friends with or could network with or could ask out or whatever that part says. Hey, there is a potential here of rejection, of failure, of someone not liking me. All of that is painful. So we're going to sabotage that. We're going to stop that. And it has several ways of doing it. Some of them are not completely covert. They're more subtle, but they're, they're obvious if you start to pay attention to them. And that's just going to be a voice of doubt in your head that says don't go talk to those people. That's not going to work. They're not going to like you. Essentially, the safety police predicts failure or rejection or a bad outcome. So why go do it? Why go put yourself through all that hard stuff and experience a bad outcome? You don't want that, do you? And for most people, that's all it takes. Sabotage is already over. Mission accomplished. And they shy away from the risk. Oh, man, you're right. Ooh, that sounds so uncomfortable. I don't want to. And then they get away from the situation and they beat themselves up. Oh, I should have said that. Why didn't I do it? And there, you know, there's regret and frustration. Okay, next time, I'm gonna do it. And then they get in the situation again, and the sabotage voice comes in. The safety police says, it's not going to work. And most people will spend a lot of their time in that cycle. Now, as I start to work with people, or maybe you listen to this show or read my books, people will start to challenge that first layer of defense from the safety police. And they'll say, you know what? I don't know what's going to happen, or I'm going to go find out. You know, I got to take actions until I see what really happens. Or maybe people could like me, or even if they don't, I know eventually I'm going to find people to do so. I'm going to take more risks. Am I going to get the result? Because yes, Lives in the land of no person's getting all hopped up on Dr. Z's materials. Here they go. Now, what happens is the sabotage from the safety police has to get more subtle because it's preliminary defense. It's propaganda of nothing's ever going to work out for you no longer works. And so it will do subtle things. It will say, and I just was working with a gentleman last night who was talking about this. You know, he wants to make more friends, wants to approach people, but he feels this sense of, ugh, man, even if we do connect, my life's so full, I'm just not gonna like, the scheduling is gonna be terrible, and they're gonna want to hang out, and I'm not gonna be available. And I don't know, this is what's the point. Wow, look at that. Right? So it. We already know several steps ahead that it's going to be terrible. It's going to be draining. You can do this anything, right? Like, even if you got another job, you're probably Just not going to like it. And it's just, ah, it's going to go like this and it's going to go like that. And now the next thing you know, you've just lost all energy to pursue that. Because now what it says, it's not saying it's not going to work out, it's saying it is going to work out and it's still going to be bad. And then that can suck the wind out of your sails. Or another thing it can do is let's say things are going well, you, you've connected with somebody, you got the raise, you got the friendship. All of a sudden now the safety police is like, you know what? We're really, really vulnerable now. Now that we have the friend, we could lose it. Now that we're in the leadership role in our position in our company, it's higher stakes now. Failure is more public now. The fall from grace is even more disturbing and embarrassing now. So, oh, oh, if he or she keeps going, we're going to get higher, we're going to get more connected, we're going to have more friends, we're going to get more intimate in this relationship. It's going to be even more painful when something bad happens. So let's get out now. It's better to get out now and feel the pain now before it gets worse. Because we're more committed, we're more connected, we're more vulnerable. So then it will start to pull out anything it can. And that's when you just start to get really crazy, in my experience. So that might be like me in a relationship. You know, I'd start to date and I'd push through that initial layer of they're not going to like you. I would take that risk and find out that a lot of women did like me. And then it would say, oh, you're gonna feel trapped in the relationship just like you did in the last one. And I'd say, well, I'm gonna, you know, keep learning and growing. Let's see what happens. I'd push through that and then I would get into, you know, just start dating someone who I was very into, very excited about, very attracted to. And all of a sudden then I'd wake up at three in the morning sleeping next to her with panic. Oh my God, I gotta get out of here. She's sleeping on my arm nestled against me. I gotta, I gotta gnaw off my arm like a crazed animal in a trap. And it's panicky, it's irrational. I don't even know what's going on. I don't even know what I'm afraid of. I just confused and disoriented and sweating. Right? It's just this raw panic. Or sometimes people can be doing well and they're connected or they're getting the success that they hope for and they just feel this crushing, depressed. I don't even have the energy to do anything. Feeling like, where did this come from? What's happening? What's happening is your survival mechanism, your safety police is saying, look, we're about to lose everything here. We're about to lose control of this ship, and we got to do whatever it takes, you know, sink, put a hole in it, whatever we need to do to get control back and put him or her back in the cage where it's safe in the box. And that's what's. That's what sabotage is going to do. And so the more mysterious and confusing and vague the symptoms, the better. Because now, now you're so far from suspecting the safety police. It's the same old tr, the same old pony show. It's just gone to a different method. And I could go on. I've only listed a few of the safety police tools. And the best place for you to discover them is not for me, it's from within your own mind is to study it. What do I say to myself? How does doubt hook me? Because what the safety police do, it also cycle through different things. And I gave a few examples here to get you starting to pay attention to it. But it could be 10 other things it might say to you. And if those don't work, then it goes to more subtle. If that doesn't work, it goes to more covert and. And at the end of the day, you know, it's this process. Even if it seems mysterious, what's happening, or these symptoms or these thoughts or these feelings, I don't know where they're coming from. Just ask yourself, where is this leading me? What are these feelings telling me to do? What is this voice in my head? What are these thoughts guiding me towards? And if it's guiding you towards, retreat, quit, downsize, escape, avoid, go inward, withdraw, don't take the risk. Squish your life down. Go back into a cage. Go back into what's familiar. Be smaller. Then I'll bet you a bitcoin that it's your safety police and you can pretty much just conclude that and then you can start to work with it in a new way. And that's what I want to focus on now. In this episode is great, Great. What do we do with this? I mean, I get that it's not real and it's just self sabotage, but dude, it's overwhelming. And trust me, I've. I've been there. I mean, that story about having panic next to someone that I was really into just like three days ago, it really is painful. It's really hard and challenging and confusing and same thing with the level of fear or negative predictions that you can feel. So I just want to start with that. With acknowledgement, with empathy, with compassion. And that's what I encourage you to start with, with yourself. Because if you notice this pattern and you get angry at it and you're like, I hate you, safety police. I'm such an idiot. I'm gonna kick it out and fight it. Okay, yeah, maybe. Maybe that's gonna work for you. But usually if you think about it, what is this all about? It's all about fear, right? Because survival. If we feel like we're not going to survive, we're feeling fear. So your nervous system, that means your brain, beyond just your thinking, executive, functioning frontal cortex. I'm talking about your deeper brain, your limbic system, your emotional brain that goes to your brain stem and your respiratory function and your digestion and the whole thing down your spine and all your organs, that whole thing is under threat when the safety police is sending these messages. Yeah, it's just someone breaking up with me or just someone not wanting to talk to me when I go approach them. Sure, I get that on a frontal cortex level in my intellect, but my nervous system is full on panic mode. Oh, my God, I'm gonna die. And so if you approach that with this harsh, like, you piece of. Come on, idiot. Just think about pouring that energy into. Onto fear. Does that fix anything? Does that calm anything? No, never. So we got to start with that compassion. Like, whoa, whoa. Okay, I must be. Some part of me must be really scared right now. And sometimes there's blocks to acknowledging this. Like, I can't be scared or I gotta be sure that I'm macho. It's like, whatever. If you can't say what is. So you're never gonna free yourself. The truth is what sets you free. So, yeah, I'm scared right now. Or part of me is at least. Okay, all right, that's step one. Let's acknowledge that. All right, everybody. It's almost like you're the inner parent who's working with the team in there, working with the family. Okay? All right. And then you get better and this is really key to, for liberating yourself from the safety police and self sabotage is you get better at two things. One is identifying it as the safety police and starting to take its predictions as the voice of the safety police rather than some accurate, really solid risk analysis and evidence based predictions. And look, even with the professional evidence based guesses, you know, people who are analysts, people who are have worked in an industry for decades in economics and finance and any industry who try to make predictions of the future are often wrong because it's freaking hard. There's so many variables and we don't know. And even still, if you see the voice in your mind as that, you might give it more credit like, oh well, I guess that could happen. Okay, that's pretty good. Maybe I shouldn't take the risk. Okay, but when you just quickly label it, ah, that's the safety police, you know that what it's saying is not about truth, it's about trying to get you to not take the risk. It's about getting you to pull back. So you name it. So step number one is just acknowledge. I'm afraid, part of me is afraid right now. Let's be with that for a moment. Ah, and then number two is, okay, that's the safety police. And so therefore its predictions are not truth, they're noise, designed to get me to retreat. So then what? Well then I'm going to practice. This is step number three, defying the safety police and seeing what actually happens. And the best phrase I have for this is I don't know, I don't know what's going to happen. Let's see, let's find out. That's the most liberating thing you can say because if the safety police says they're going to reject you and you say no, they're not, they're going to love me. I don't. How do you know that? Maybe they won't like you and that's okay. So you say, yeah, maybe man, I don't know. But I'm going to find out because I'm sick and tired of living in the cage. And then you start to take the action. And the essential skill, muscle that you must have here is the ability to tolerate discomfort. The ability to experience discomfort and not thrash and freak out. And most people have not cultivated this in on so many levels. Most people are hyper addicted to comfort. In this era especially I'm in the United States. I don't know where you are, but any developed country, any country, there's a lot of access to Resources and material and comfort. It's everywhere from what you put in your mouth to the environment that you're in that's temperature controlled, it's soft, it's squishy, it's engineered to be comfortable and pleasing to the skin. The labor that we do is not physical. It's sitting at a desk, using my thinking muscle sort of for a couple hours a day maybe, and then a lot of fritting away on the Internet. I mean, it is where there is so much that we can use to numb out, to escape discomfort. And so if you really want to set yourself free, if you really want to put an end to, to self sabotage, you're going to begin to build your discomfort muscle. And there's only one way to build a muscle, and I don't need to tell you what it is, because you know how to build a muscle, right? You use it, you tax it, you want to get stronger in your legs, you use your legs, you lift heavy things or you run or you bike, or you do something that uses the legs and then they get stronger. And it's the same thing with discomfort. The way to get better at tolerating discomfort is to get on uncomfortable on purpose, deliberately. And I'm a huge fan of doing this in all different arenas, socially, in romantic relationships and intimacy and business and finance, physically. And you don't have to go crazy with this stuff. I do, because I'm fascinated. I'm like, wait a minute, if this much willingness to be uncomfortable has brought me this many good things in my life, what about more willingness to be uncomfortable? What will that bring me? And so I am fascinated with going into discomfort daily. Ideally. Not because I love it, not because I'm like, oh, discomfort, this is my favorite thing. Yes. No, it's every day it's like, oh man, dread. But I know that on the other side of that dread, on the other side of that discomfort is an extraordinary life. And that's not just a theory or a wish or a hope or a fantasy. That's fact. That's evidence based in my own life and then also seeing many, many clients and watching this pattern play out in humans. So that brings us to your action step, which you might be able to predict what it's going to be time for. Action, action, action. Your action step is going to be to do something that defies your doubt and pick something from today so you might not be in the throes of some intense self sabotage right now. Maybe it's just a little prediction like, oh, that's not going to work out. So don't try. Oh, this thing's too hard. Don't do it. So doubt or discomfort, either one on purpose. Lean into it. Do it just once, just today, and you get to choose tomorrow. But if you keep choosing and you keep practicing, that self sabotage doesn't have the power of you. That doesn't mean that my voice of doubt has gone away, that I don't feel fear before leaning into my edge. No fear. To me, fear seems inevitable. If you're leaning into your edge. That voice of doubt is just a manifestation of fear that's trying to get you to be safe by avoiding the fear. That mechanism doesn't turn off. Just like if you went outside in the cold, even if you'd done that a lot and you go out, you know, it's 30 degrees Fahrenheit, 0 degrees centigrade. You go outside in a T shirt, there's gonna be some system in your body. It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? It's cold. Put a jacket on. And you can notice that and you can say, okay, well, I'm just gonna stay out here for five minutes. I'm gonna go back inside, I'll be okay. And you can work through that discomfort, but that doesn't mean the alarm doesn't go off inside. And so when I take risks in my life and I lean into my edge, the alarm goes off. But it's about being able to tolerate that and be with that in the process long enough to complete the risk, to take the action and see what really happens. And I've done this thousands of times, whether it's socially or in business or romantically, physically. And sometimes fall flat on my face. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I'm like, oh, that rejection is awful. Why did I do that? And there are thousands of other times where it was like, that was awesome. That went so well. I feel so alive. I feel, I'm so grateful I did that. And how do you know which one it's going to be? You don't. And there's only one way to find out. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level now. You're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. 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