Why You Think You're Boring (And What To Do About It)

This is the number one thing that clients tell me when they have social anxiety about talking to people, conversations, meeting new people, social situations, dates. It's the number one fear, the number one story. I hear this every day that I'm working with people. And I bet you're telling yourself the same thing. What is it? I'm boring. I'm not interesting? Maybe is your version of that. Have you ever told yourself that? Do you believe that about yourself? And in this video, you're going to discover exactly why. You keep telling yourself that. And trust me, it's not what you think. And how to shift it. I'm Dr. Aziz. I'm the founder of the center for Social Confidence and author of six best selling books on confidence. And if you want to take things further, make sure you go to my website, drzez.com and check out my free mini course called 5 Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. I'll give you the five best ideas to get started. Now to shifting your confidence. But this key story of I'm not interesting or I'm boring, it's the death to your social confidence. Because how are you gonna go talk to somebody if you think I'm boring? I'm not interesting. Like, why would you want to share anything? Why would you put yourself out there? Why would you reveal anything about yourself? Why would you be vulnerable? Why would you connect? And that's part of the point. But let's rewind a little bit. Do you think you're boring? And if so, why? Why do you think that? And I talk to people and they'll. It's like a story they've had for so long that it just feels true. I mean, that's just like saying the sky is blue. I don't know, it's just how it is. Okay, I know, but why? Why do you think that? Tell me. I'll probe them a little bit and they'll say, well, and then they have to dig and try to find the references for that story. Right? The story is like the table. The references of the legs that hold the table up. And they're like, well, I haven't done anything that interesting in my life. I haven't traveled enough. I don't have good stories. I'm just not an exciting person. Which is just saying the same thing. That' weird reference, but people will use it. And maybe, oh, when I talk to people, they don't seem interested. Okay, all right, all right. So they got these references and this is why they think they're boring. And that Keeps them stuck. Because it's sort of like a fixed, kind of unchanging negative trait. You know, some people are interesting and some people are just boring. It was that the Dos Equis, the beer is like the most interesting man in the world commercials. I don't remember if they showed him being interesting and why, but I remember that as a thing. So some people are just born as the most interesting man in the world or most interesting woman in the world, and other people are not. And maybe you're one of those people. And if you maybe believe that and that's completely false, that's not how it works at all. And what if I were to tell you that you're not boring? And then you might have a sputter response. How dare you? How dare you? Don't you know you this and I'm that. And I, when I share it with people, they look around and they want to get away from me. How could you tell me I'm not boring? Well, what's getting in the way is you telling yourself that you're boring, not that you're boring. And when you tell yourself that you're boring, when you believe that you're boring, you do two things which shut you down, which make it harder to connect with you, which, as you'll see in a moment, is the whole purpose of this story. But what do you do to shut yourself down when you tell yourself you're boring? One is you might not go talk to the person. You might not even go approach anybody, because why? They're not going to find me interesting anyway. They're not going to want to talk to me. Number two is if you are talking to somebody, you close things down in your tone. You don't reveal much. You don't let people into your world. There's not much for them to feel or connect with, and so they want to move on. Even if they think you're beautiful or they're drawn to you in some other way, as soon as they start to talk, it's like an invisible force field. And that is the point of the night. I'm not. Interesting story. And pretty much most of your. All of your negative stories, anyway, about yourself, they're designed as protective mechanisms to prevent you from connecting with other people. Why would we want that? I thought I wanted connection and love and friends and all that stuff. You do, you do. And there's a part of you that doesn't, the safety police part. Because connection is vulnerable. Connection opens me up. And maybe you have a history where you were open and you got hurt. So I see people who have a love experience. They fall in love deeply, and then they get their heart broken and they develop social anxiety and I'm not interesting stories in love and romance with the potential partner. Other times, people grew up in a family where connection also meant abuse or hurt or criticism. And so they're like, well, I don't want to connect with anybody. And they don't consciously say that, but that's what's happening. And so you hide in this protective cloak and blanket of I'm not interesting. I'm not interesting. And lo and behold, I get to keep everyone away because. To really open up. Because if you were interesting, this is what I do with clients. Like, well, how would you behave if you were interested? But how do I know that when I'm sharing people like, you know, they're interested. What if I'm talking and they're just dying inside and they want to get away? And then they get away and they're like, oh, my God, she was just telling me these terrible, boring. She's so boring and awful. We make up this terrible fantasy and it's so scary. Well, maybe you're a super nice person who just sits there listening to people and doesn't in any way steer the conversation or end it if you want to. But not everyone's like that. That's their responsibility. They can add something. They can change the subject. They can ask you a different question. They can leave. I'm not here. Make sure that I'm entertaining everybody with every moment. But I am going to open up and share a little bit more about my life. So someone asks you a question and you, you volunteer, you let them into your world. They say, how was your weekend? You don't say, fine, Right? That's a. That's a stone wall. You don't say, oh, it was great. Spent some. I went. I went camping. It was cool. I guess that's a little bit. But I went camping. I was out there with my. Whatever. I was out there with my friends. I got these two buddies I've known for many years, and we meet up every six months and we go out to these different places and it's really sweet. You know, we did this, and I love this about this person that there. You shared a little bit. And then now the person's like, oh, camping here. And you shared not just about the details of the camping, you shared a little bit about your friends and your connection. And if you want to, by the way, if you want to really master all this stuff. The whole course I have in Confidence University called Social Mastery, which guides you through the whole process. That inner confidence about being worthy of friendship and interesting, as well as starting conversations, how to keep conversations going, small talk, and also the deep. How to deepen connection, how to create the social life that you want, the friendships and the relationships that you want. So if you want the deep dive on that, definitely check that out. You can get Confidence University on my website@drzeze.com under products there in the upper right. So the key here is to ask yourself, if I were interesting, what would I do? And then go do that thing. Not just once, repeatedly. Because if you do it just once and you're like, did they like it? They didn't like it. Well, forget it. I guess I'm never interesting again. No, you got to retrain the whole thing. Just operate as if that is so for weeks, for months, and eventually you'll just know it. I know I'm an interesting person. I actually know that this is kind of a. To who? Right? Maybe to someone. I'm not interesting, and that's okay. But I'm interested in my life. I think my life's fascinating. I can share all kinds of things about my experience. They don't have to be crazy travel experiences. I could just share about what happened to me yesterday, the moments, the magic moments with my kids, or the challenging moments or the vulnerable moments. Because I know that people. I know what really connects. I used to think it was being perfect and looking amazing and being a certain way. And I realized that doesn't connect. That might impress some people, but what really connects is the moment to moment, vulnerable experience of life, both the joys and the pains. And then we can let people into that. They feel a resonance inside because they're like, me too. I feel that way too. Do you feel that in these videos of mine or in the books that I've written? If you've read any of those, I'm using exactly what I'm describing here with you. Because guess who had all of these stories about not being interesting, about being ugly, about being unworthy? Me. And the way that it overcame them wasn't just doing affirmations and being in a cave saying, I'm worthy. Ha. And I came out like, I'm free here, everybody. No, it came out like, oh, people aren't going to be interested in this. But if I were interesting, what would I share? Okay, I'm going to share that. And I would share it in my books. I'd share it in these videos. I share it in my life. I'd share and it works. And that's why I'm sharing it with you. And I encourage you to do the same. So let me know in the comments how this is working for you. Other questions you have for future videos until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.