Why You're Afraid To Upset Others (And What To Do About It)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. I sure hope you like this episode. I sure hope you don't get upset with me. That would be utterly awful. I don't know if I could handle that. Okay, please. I'm gonna tell you something, but don't get mad. Okay? All right. I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something and I could go on a thousand other ways. You might say, well, you might dodge upset in others. You might apologize ahead of time. You might downplay things. You might avoid certain topics. You might be extremely pleasing. You might never even make a mistake or try your hardest to never make mistakes so as to not upset anybody. And you certainly wouldn't say anything that was too direct or real or rash or confrontational, would you? No. No. Because that might upset others and upsetting others is unacceptable. That's what we're going to be looking at in today's episode. Thank you for joining me. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz, the founder of the center for Social Confidence and host of this fine show. Thank you so much for joining me. If you are not already familiar with other places to learn about confidence, you should definitely check out my YouTube channel called Get More Confidence. Just simply go to YouTube and type in Get More Confidence and then you'll see the channel there. Make sure you subscribe to that. We have videos that come out at least once a week that go in depth in a shorter timeframe than these long form podcasts. But different stuff, different content, equally valuable. And you could be listening to that while you're workout, drive, run, whatever you want to do. And also, if you've not checked out draziz.com,-r-a z I z.com you can get my free video course there called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. And that will help you unleash your inner confidence. And it's free. And there's a video that goes with each day where I do the training on exactly what to do, step by step, to unleash your confidence. That's what I teach all my clients. And what can help you go from feeling stuck, shy, self conscious, to being the most bold, authentic version of you. So go to doctoraziZ-R-A z I z.com to get that for free. Now, just like this episode, also for free. So upsetting people. You know, there was a time where I would not want to talk about going to my website to get more things, even though they're free because someone might be upset. There's a time where I would never try to sell anything in the world because I didn't want to upset anybody. There's a time where I would never ask anyone out because I didn't want to upset anybody. Or even go talk to a woman that I wanted to ask out because I might upset her. Or maybe she has a boyfriend who's in the bushes who's gonna jump out and attack me. So I don't want to upset him. And I certainly don't want to disagree with someone because I might upset them. And so if you're concerned about upsetting people, it's kind of a challenge because you never know when someone might get upset, right? I mean, you know, the big ones, right? If you do something really what might be considered inappropriate, so you kind of tune into the. What's called the cultural field, which is the invisible, unspoken, energetically, very. You can feel it, it's very palpable. You feel it of how you're supposed to be. And it varies slightly from culture to culture. But a lot of, you know, a lot of the dominant cultures of the different nations and religions and ethnic groups around the country all agree on a lot of the basics, right? You know, it's very rare you're going to find a culture where it's okay to like, pull down your pants and poop in the middle of the street like most places. That's pretty against the cultural field. And I'm not saying the cultural field is bad. Maybe some of this is what we're supposed to do. Unspoken commands are reasonable in the case of pooping in the street, but they're not all reasonable and they're not all necessarily healthy. So some of the cultural field that you might have been indoctrinated into says, don't cry, especially if you're a man. Don't have feelings, don't emote, don't get angry, don't upset others. And so to follow this cultural Edict, you avoid the stuff that you know is most likely to be outside of the bounds of the cultural field. So, you know, cursing at somebody or throwing something or saying certain things that are going to be particularly offensive. You know that much like, okay, I'm going to avoid all those. But there's a lot of ways to upset people, isn't there? Like what if you're talking about something, you're not being totally out there and aggressive, but you share a political viewpoint or just a viewpoint on life or a perspective on a certain issue or something someone might disagree with, that someone might be upset that you have that viewpoint. What about. You talk about something about your personal life, some choices or some lifestyle choice that you live by. Maybe you reveal where you live or how much money you have or what you do for work or your sexual orientation or your preferences or your religious beliefs or whatever. And any one of those things, that's just about you. You're not saying this stuff to have confrontations with people. You're just simply letting know about you and who you are and what you're drawn to and what makes you you in this life. But that might upset somebody. So you know what? You better curtail a little bit. You better bring it in even a little bit closer. Try to avoid any of that stuff because it's risky. So keep it narrow. And then what you do is you become the most watered down, bland, vanilla version of you who doesn't upset anybody. Yeah, I don't know. You also don't really attract anybody either. You just be kind of this, like jellyfish. I just go wherever the current is. What do you like? Okay, I'll either say I like it or not. Certainly say I like something else because that might upset you, that might offend you. And so you don't. Is this familiar, by the way? I lived this way for so many years and just the other day I was in. Oh yeah, we were out having lunch. I was at a workshop and I was walking in with some people to get a lunch during the lunch break. And one of the guys was gonna be hosting a workshop in his home city. That's what he did. He ran workshops. And he's like, oh, yeah, we got a bunch of people with this next one. It's gonna be awesome. One of the headline speakers is a guy named Neil Diamond, Neil Donald Walsh, I think his name is. And he wrote this book called Conversations with God, which is a very popular book. I think it was a New York Times bestseller. A lot of people love it. And he's like, are you familiar with it? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard of that. And he's like, have you read it? And I was like. And he goes on to say, have you read it? I love it. You know, it's been really profound in my life. And I said, that's great. You know, what did you like about it? He's like, oh, this, this and that. Anyway, how about you? Have you read it? And the answer is no. But the answer is not, because I never heard of it or didn't try. The answer is I downloaded it to my audible and I've had at least two, but maybe three occasions where I tried to listen to it. I really gave it a shot. I got in maybe an hour, hour and a half into it, and then I just had to put it down. Just wasn't engaged. Didn't like it. It didn't resonate with me. The writing style was kind of too wordy and it just didn't click. And I told him that. I said, oh, you know, I actually have tried several times to listen to it, and it just didn't click for me. I just couldn't get into it. I just didn't find it that engaging. He's like, oh, huh. And we continue to have lunch. We like each other. I like the guy. And we're gonna continue to connect. I might even actually interview him for this podcast. So it's not like the bridge was burned and it's all over. But there was a time in my life where I would not have said that. Why? Because it could upset him. So there are a thousand and one subtle adjustments you might be making per day to not upset other people. Now, what is going on here? Why would you do this? It's so much effort. It's so much policing of yourself. It's like a whole program running on your nervous system. It just takes up so much bandwidth, it seems like such a waste of time. Why? Why are we doing this? What's your sense? Why do you think you are so concerned and cautiously avoiding making sure that you go out of your way not to upset anybody? What's your sense? Why does it make you a bad person? Do you feel guilty if someone is upset? Do you instantly take responsibility and imagine you're bad? And when I say upset, they could be hurt, they could be angry, they could be mad at you, they could be sad, they could be disappointed, they could be deject, they could be hopeless, they could be anxious, they could be insecure now because you rejected them. I mean, there's 1001 ways their upset might manifest, but the upset just means unpleasant thoughts or feelings that they might experience. And if someone experiences unpleasant feelings in relationship to you because of something that you might have said or done or not said or not done, do you instantly feel guilty? Like, this is my responsibility. There's something wrong with me. Oh, my gosh, I'm such a bad person. And therefore, do you have a unconscious rule that says I must never cause anyone to feel anything uncomfortable emotionally, ever? And maybe that means I need to go extra far out of my way to make sure that I don't, because I must never. And I've seen this in a lot of clients. I certainly had this rule before, and it's. It's a little crazy if you think about it. Like, how far are you supposed to go? What if someone gets uncomfortable because you wear a red shirt? Should you never wear red shirts? How far do you take this? And the answer is very, very, very, very, very far. Extremely life, restrictingly, depressingly far. Until you don't. Until you choose otherwise, by the way. So is it guilt? Is it anxiety? The other side of guilt is just raw fear. If I upset you, I am in danger. You're going to attack me, you're going to reject me. I'm going to lose something. I'm going to lose this love, I'm going to lose this relationship, I'm going to lose this career opportunity, I'm going to lose my livelihood. I'm going to lose something, and I'll lose something big. So I better play it safe. And some of this concern that you feel is not even just your own life experience and perception. It actually can very much be something in your ancestral awareness. I mean, there's been large periods of human history and large parts of the world today in which if you upset the wrong people, you die or you experience, you know, horrible consequences. I mean, just look at all the persecutions throughout history and all the genocides and different conflicts between one nation against another one religion. Oh, my gosh, are you. You know, look at the history of Europe, right? Oh, my gosh, you're a Protestant. Kill the Protestants. You know, oh, my gosh, you're a Catholic now. We're at war. The Muslims. We're at war with the Muslims. Oh, get the. Get these Episcopalians out of here. Murder them. They're awful. The witches, the women healers, the herbalists, they're the witches. We're going to kill them. And all the way to today, you don't get the vaccine we're going to kill, murder. The people don't get the vaccine, they're dangerous. Right? And so it's all throughout history and even today, there can be this awareness as human organisms that the cultural field, that culture can kill you can be dangerous. And so you might say, well, these. That's right. You're speaking my language. What are you going to tell me to upset others now? You just told me I could die. You just told me that it's like a witch hunt. Well, what I'm saying is that that awareness and that concern that you might have is not completely bogus or out of nowhere. It's out of the history of human experience. Just like you might have a fear of snakes and spiders, all primates have a natural inborn reactivity to snakes and spiders. There's like research on all different types of chimpanzees and everything. They have the same as humans. Why? Because there are certain species of snakes and spiders that are poisonous, like fatally poisonous to us, our species. And so it's kind of like in our nervous system to be like, bleh, snake. This is gross. Maybe you love snakes, maybe you've overcome that. But most people, they see something slithering on the ground, they're like, bleh. Right, and why? Because they could kill me. Right. So it's reasonable to be aware of this and have this knowledge. And at the same time, that doesn't mean that you succumb to it and, and you just live your life in constant fear and trying to play it safe. Because here's the thing, even if you try to play it safe, you can still get screwed. You can still get ground under the boot of whoever's in power. You can still get ostracized or kicked out or cancelled or yelled at or experienced disrepute and hatred of the masses and removal and banning and all these things. You can experience it no matter how safe you try to play it. And certainly in your own personal life and in your workplace and in your relationships and in your love life and with your family. Like, I mean, how far do you want to take this? Because the way I see it is like, yes, there is danger out there. Like, life is never meant to be 100% safe. If you want to see this on a clear level, just watch some Disney movies. Oh, yes, no, I'm not talking about those. You know, the cartoons that all end well. I'm talking about Disney nature films. I got into these a little while back with my kiddos. So we subscribed to Disney. Cause Why not? It's got cool stuff on it. Disney plus Netflix, all the good stuff. If you got kids and you wanna watch movies, it's great. Anyway, so on Disney, they have these Disney nature films I discovered not too long ago where they'll film, like, we've seen one on African cats, We've seen one on bears. There's one on elephants, right? They film this family of bears or elephants or these different, you know, prides of lions or whatever. Over a course of a year or two, they got these people, like, out in the savannah or out in the Alaskan wilderness, like, intense, hunkered down, like, following these animals around for months, trying to film them from afar, and they come up with this amazing footage, and then they tell a story, and the story is, you know, personified, kind of anthropomorphized to make the animals seem pretty human. And they give them names, and they give them human motivations and stuff, and they kind of narrate what they're doing. And now you can see through all that stuff and just watch the footage of the animals. And there is one thing to walk away with from those movies. And my kids said this to me. They summed it up perfectly. The other day, we finished watching them, one of them, and my older son, who's 8, said, wow, life in the wild is really hard. And I was like, yeah, dude, I know, right? I mean, this story is about these cheetahs, and it's a. You know, the way cheetahs do it is they're solitary animals, so it's like a single mother cheetah raising four cubs. And everywhere she goes, people want to freaking eat her cubs. Alligators want to eat her cubs. Hyenas want to eat her cubs. Lions, massive lions want to eat her cubs. Other freaking cheetahs want to kill her cubs and eat them. It's insane. And so she's just going from place to place, and then two of the four cubs die in the kids movie version of this stuff, I'm sure. I wonder if they're filming one of these Disney movies and all the cheetah babies die, and they're like, ooh, oh, let's not use that footage. That's just too depressing for the children, right? And the same thing with the bears. One out of every two of the bear cubs doesn't make it past their first year of life. Why? Because they starve to death? Because they get killed by another bear. It is intense. You might say, wow, this is a really uplifting episode. Aziz. Well, here's the thing, it's not meant to be safe. Life's not meant to be safe. Humans have created a bubble of immense safety around us, and that feels great. And it's beautiful to be able to walk down the street to the supermarket and not get attacked by a bear. I am pro that progress. And at the same time, we're not protected from everything. We're not protected from each other, from other humans. We're not protected from weather events. We're not protected from sickness or old age or death. They're coming for you, my friend. So the question is, before you get sick, before you get old, before you die, how do you want to live? Who do you want to be? Do you want to spend your whole life dodging the potential risks and say, well, I'm going to live out this vanilla bland shell of a version of who I am, so I don't displease my family, and I don't displease my potential friends, and I don't displease my boss, and I don't displease whatever the whim of the day is for how you're supposed to talk or say or communicate or believe in, to fit into the green meme of the culture so that everyone thinks you're conscious and alive and great and woke and all that stuff. Who do you really want to be? What do you really think right now? Can you communicate that perspective? Can you speak up? Can you be real? Can you challenge people? Can you say no? Can you ask for what you want? And as you do those things, people will have feelings. Some of those feelings might be displeasure. And they can say, you have displeased me. And that is very, very upsetting. I am upset with you, sir, madam. And then now, oh, now you done it. But here's the thing. The next time you imagine, oh my gosh, what if I upset someone with that? What if this or what if that? Instead of getting all wrapped up around that and tweaking out and getting anxious and just going down that whole road as if upsetting people is the worst thing in the world and I gotta feel guilty and I gotta feel scared. What if you just take a full breath in, stand up tall or sit up upright like a king or a queen or someone who des to frickin be here on this planet and instead of questioning, did I say that right? Did I upset other people? Say, was I really, how much was I being me there on a scale of 1 to 10? 10, as I was being 100% me or I was, whatever that means. I was expressing what I wanted to express. I was sharing what I wanted to share. I shared it how I wanted to share it. I asked for what I wanted to ask for. I did the thing that I wanted to do, even if it was uncomfortable. How much was I doing that? That's the only thing that matters. And if the number was two or three and really low, you can say, huh, the cultural field got me again. My fear of upsetting people got me again. What would I want to do next time to be even more real? Maybe not take it from a 2 to a 10, but how about a 2 to a 4? Just a little bit more real, a little bit more expressive, a little bit more alive. And if it was a high number, like an 8 or a 9 or a 10, you say, you know what? I have a choice right now. I can be me and then be constantly guilty and terrified that me is somehow not safe, or I can be me and I can own it. And if someone is mad at me or upset with me or wants to challenge me or slander me or criticize me or whatever, I can say, bring it on, let's go. And if you want to have a life of substance, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, make a positive impact in the world, it's going to require the ladder. It's going to require you to step up and turn that dial up to an 8 or a 9 or a 10 of being you and then expressing it. And then there will people be upset with you? And then when someone is upset with you, in your mind, instead of freaking out, which it might start, that way you can remember, you can say, you know what, this is a good sign. Because if someone is upset with me and my dial is turned up, that means I'm being me and I'm being expressive. And by being expressive, that's causing feelings in others and agitating the water and rattling the cage. And that means I'm alive. So let's talk about how to turn this into action. Time for action. Action, Action. I mean, I'd say your action is going to be to rattle some cages. Well, we'll see. Maybe it's going to rattle cages, maybe not. But look for an opportunity to be more expressive in the next day. Say what you really think, Say no when you want to say no. Ask for something, challenge someone, disagree with someone. Doesn't have to be super crazy intense. This isn't like fight club, go get in a fight on purpose. But this is you overriding that upset avoidance strategy and seeing what happens. Maybe it's uncomfortable. Maybe you feel guilty, maybe you feel anxious. Maybe not. Whatever it is, remember what we talked about? About turning up the dial instead of getting all spun out on Are they upset with me? Say, was I being me? That's the most important thing. Everything else will fall into line. Beautiful. Thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level, you are awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziza. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.