Why You're Stuck (Reason #2)

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of Shrink for the Shy Guy. I'm your host, Dr. Aziz. And today we're going to illuminate another reason why you might be stuck. And I know that might not be the most exciting thing to learn about. It's like, oh, yeah, what's wrong with me and my life? But actually, I mean, I've been obsessed with helping people become more free and confident for the last 20 years, starting with my own confidence. And what I discovered is that in order to truly liberate yourself, to become more free and confident, you actually need to see how you're hooked. Like, imagine you are caught in a trap. If you tried to just go run confidently in the direction of your dreams and your leg is in a bear trap, you're probably not getting too far. And so a large part of what I do in my books, in this podcast, in working with clients, is helping them see exactly what they're doing. That's keeping them in the bear trap. Because unlike a physical bear trap or actual tangible block on you, the trap, the cage that you're in right now is actually something that you are creating, and you're actively creating it throughout the day. And the good news is if you make a shift and you stop creating it or you start doing something different, then all of a sudden you have a whole different experience and you might be able to free yourself from years, decades of anxiety. And so this is a part of a series of three, the three reasons why you're stuck. The first one we looked at was about action. This was maybe a month or so ago, back in the episodes. If you scan back and look, you'll see it there. And most people don't take enough action to truly transform social anxiety into social confidence or niceness into more boldness and authenticity. They'll do a little bit of action, and then it's uncomfortable, and then they start, stop. So that episode's all about that form of stuckness, One of the reasons why people are stuck, the second reason that's we're going to focus on today's episode that you might be feeling stuck is due to something called closed loops. And I'll explain exactly what that is in this episode and how it's related to not just feeling stuck, but it's also related to a larger challenge with confidence in your life. And of course, how do we shift that? How do we break free? So I'm excited to go in depth in this episode with you. If you're drawn to this show and you want more, just know that for most people that I work with, well, everyone that I'm working with, but most people that I see in the world who want to make this change, Podcasts are interesting, but they're not totally transformative. More is needed. And so everyone that I work with usually started with something like my podcast or my YouTube videos. And there's no shame in wanting more support, more guidance, more help. And if you want that, I would love to support you in that way, go over to drz.com that's-r a z I z dot com. I have a free mini course on there you can, you can learn from. And in addition, you can also learn about my Mastermind program, which is the way I work with people for 12 months at a time in a group coaching program. And you can also check out my program, Confidence University, which is more of a self study, step by step, also very powerful, different options. But what it's going to do, it's going to start to systematically build your confidence. So if you're drawn to more, check out drz.com that's-a Z I Z dot com. What are closed loops? Well, closed loops go like this. When you're feeling anxious, you're scared to speak up, you're scared to approach somebody. You're feeling social anxiety, you have an idea of how something's going to go, which is why you're scared, right? So if you thought if I were to go over and ask that person out on a date, you know, he or she would just be like, yes, and you're awesome. You'd probably go do it. If you thought that you spoke up at work and people are like, oh, brilliant, we love your ideas and you're handsome too. You do it right. The problem is that when we're feeling anxious, that's not what we expect. We expect something very bad to happen. They're gonna reject me, they're gonna laugh at me, they're gonna think I'm stupid. They're not gonna like me. It's gonna lead to me losing my position or my status or people's eyes. So I'm not going to do it right. And I'm probably not saying anything brand new for you. I'm illuminating what makes you scared and why you don't take those risks in your life. What makes it a closed loop is you have an idea about how it's going to go. And that's also based in an idea of who you are and how other people are. So global beliefs about your identity. Also global beliefs about they and others. You know, men, women, business people, brown people, white people, whatever. You have these groups and it's like, oh, they are like this. So let me give a specific example. So it's not so conceptual. When I was struggling with dating, you know, I'm not going to go talk to that woman because I know that she's not going to want to talk to me. That's the expectation, the prediction, what it says about me and why. It's because, look at me, I'm not attractive, I'm not worthwhile. And they, in this case, women don't want not as muscular, not as tall, brown guy named Aziz. They want the muscular, tall, chiseled guy named Sam or whatever, right? So that's a lot of ideas going on right there that I lived in. And are they all true? Are they all accurate? Well, no. No. Not every woman wants a guy named Sam who's six foot one and chiseled. And yet, at the time of my life, I really did think that. And I'd say, well, at best, every woman wants that. And then some women will settle because they don't think they can have it. So then they'll settle for someone like me. So it's just a very inspiring worldview, isn't it? But that's all a bunch of ideas. And the ideas could be very wrong. In fact, they are wrong because when I started to shift my behavior and take new actions, I had lots of dating opportunities. And my name was the same, my physique was the same, my skin color was the same. And all of a sudden women would be interested in this brown guy. So what's going on there? What's going on there is I discovered that my stories about reality were not true, they weren't accurate. And you do not get that opportunity when there's closed loops. So closed loops go like this. You have a sense of certainty about how it is, how it's going to go, how they are how you are, your identity, your sense of yourself. And when you do take action, you're not really truly interested in challenging those stories. You're more interested in preserving a sense of control and stability and certainty and familiarity by proving that you're right. And so if you do go take the action, you're looking to reinforce the story you already have, thus creating a loop. Right? See, I knew that was going to happen. Look, it did happen. Ah, I was right. And it keeps you stuck in this loop where you never break out, out. It reinforces your stories, it reinforces your identity and reinforces how to operate in the world. And then you go do that and then you carry on the next day and the next day and the next month, the next year, and it's all stays kind of the same. And that's the point. That's the purpose behind this, this closed loop pattern is to keep things the same, keep things familiar, keep you safe, or so it seems. And live a smaller, more downsized, more in control, I would say life, but more of an experience of survival. That's really what that, that's the outcome and purpose of that. Now, most people aren't actively saying to themselves, I'm not really going to try because I really don't want to change my viewpoints, my negative views of myself. I'm going to go do it poorly on purpose and get a negative result and then stay with my old identity because it makes me feel safe. No, we don't saying that consciously. People are not even thinking that consciously. People say, no, I'm really trying. I really did give it a shot. And I'm not here to pick on you and say you didn't do it right and what's wrong with you? This isn't about that, this isn't about shame. This is about saying the patterns, sharing the patterns with you that I've seen that have kept people stuck for years. And if I'm working with a client and I see them getting stuck, this is one of the first things I'm looking at. Are they truly curious? Do they really want to change that perspective of themselves? What's their real priority? What's your real priority? And I'll ask people, is your priority to be free or to be right? Because you kind of can't have both. Social freedom, confidence, expressing yourself. These are steps by definition into the unknown. When you share openly in a conversation that you've never had before, you don't exactly know it's going to come back. When you say I love you, to Someone you know. And it's the first time in a dating experience and no one has said it yet. You don't know what's going to come back. When you speak up in a meeting at work and you're in your earnestly sharing a differing opinion or challenging somebody, you don't exactly know how they're going to respond. There is uncertainty there and that is inherent, that is an, and a necessary quality of life. Nothing's going wrong there. Nothing bad is happening. It feels uncomfortable because it feels out of control. And there's a part of you that freaks out about that. And so we keep everything, you know, quote, under control. It's not really under control, but it feels a little more under control by running these closed loops. And so the way that that will show up for clients or people that I'm observing, I'll see them. Okay, fine, I'm gonna have this conversation with this person. It's probably not gonna go well anyway, but I'll give it a try. Now if it's a client of mine, we'll nip that in the bud right there. Because if they, if they say it like that, like, we'll see, I'll give it a try and I'll say, ah, it's probably not gonna work. And they're like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, trying is weak. You know, to me it doesn't sound like there's a true curiosity there to really challenge that. And then I'll ask them, are you willing to be wrong? Are you willing to be wrong about the other person, about how you see the other person? Are you willing to be wrong about yourself? And this is the craziest part of it is a lot of people aren't willing to be wrong. And that, that might not sound crazy. Humans like to be right. Right? We feast on rightness. It's the most sought after delicacy way beyond lobsters and steak or whatever the delicacy is these days. It's probably not lobsters and steak. That's more of like a, more of a 1980s thing. When I was a kid, that was the tops. I don't know what the tops is now you tell me. But in any case, for me it's like a smoothie. It's like the best thing I eat. Anyway. People don't want to be wrong even when it's about their own negative, toxic, low self esteem stories about themselves. That's the part that's crazy. We're so addicted to that sense of certainty which gives you a Sense of safety, that we don't really want to disturb that apple cart. And so if someone does think you're smart, if someone does see you as attractive, if you do prove that you're capable at something, there's an impulse inside to discount, dismiss, and delete that information and say, no, no, no, no, no, I'm still this loser. You know what I'm talking about? Can you see that in yourself? Isn't that crazy? Like, what's going on there? Well, it's an addiction. And in any addiction, you know, if you're. Sometimes when people are in the fun phase of addiction, they call it partying, right? And then eventually becomes just like, oh, it's an addiction. It sucks. But, you know, a lot of this, the lifespan of an addiction is not the fun partying side of it. It's like the I need to take this drug to feel normal or to numb out the pain that's in my life. That's kind of the longest period of addiction for people is in that stage, which is a little less glamorous than the party stage. And that's kind of the stage that you might be in with these closed loops, is it doesn't even feel good to have that terrible identity and think you're bad or poorly of yourself. It's not even making you feel good. It's just, if I stop doing this, I'll die. And that's how the person who's addicted to alcohol feels when they're real. I mean, the kind of person who's waking up and drinking just to stop their hands from shaking, they're not partying. They're thinking, if I were to not drink this, I would die. And in some cases, depending upon how severe the alcoholism is, there's actually potentially truth in that. And that's why, you know, they'll. Unlike other drugs, they don't necessarily cold turkey alcohol without medical supervision and stuff. The good news is that I'm using this as a metaphor for addiction. But the addiction to certainty is not fatal. It is not going to kill you to step into uncertainty as much as it feels like it's going to. And really, it's all a bluff by your safety police, by the part that's trying to keep you small and in control. And when you challenge that bluff and you step into that unknown and you say, I don't know, I don't know how it's going to go, and I'm willing to be wrong, and maybe a better way to say that that doesn't challenge your ego. So Much is I'm willing to discover something new about myself. I'm willing to discover something new about the world, about other people, about women, about men, about old people, about brown people, about kids, about something new. I want to discover new information that's going to expand my perspective. And I'm willing to humble myself and say, wow, I didn't know that. Wow, I had learned something new. Wow, who I thought I was was wrong. And this isn't always negative stuff. We cling on to old identities that are not necessarily even bad, but just. It's like, that's how you were, oh, I'm into this kind of stuff. Or this is the kind of person I am, or this is what I do. And maybe that isn't true anymore. Maybe that was true five years ago or 10 years ago. And now you're a different kind of person. You're into different things. You have different viewpoints, different political points, different hobbies, different friends, different passions. Let it. Let it upgrade and then let it upgrade again. You know, shatter those closed loops. Let them be wide open and discover your life fresh right now and see what really happens. And that brings us to our action step for today. Time for action. Action. Action. So your action step for today is. This is what I will encourage clients to do, is to take an action, which we talked about in the first series of why you're stuck. Not enough action. So that's why we end these episodes with action steps. That's why every Confidence University lesson has an action step. That's why my mastermind, we celebrate action at the beginning of every call, because action will set you free. And when you take the action. Here's how I frame it with clients. It's. It's an experiment. Let's see what happens. Can you let go of the agenda? Right. I'm going to talk to this person. It better go well, better get the raise. Everyone better applaud. What I said think I'm smart? It's like, I don't. I don't know. I don't know if they're going to applaud you. Probably not, but that's going to happen. Let's see it as an experiment. Experiment. It goes like this. There's a stimulus. What's the response? You know, we test a. What is the output? Oh, interesting. And just kind of be playful with it. Imagine some people with a clipboard standing there, lab coats, being like, huh, okay, interesting. Marking some things on it on a clipboard with some check boxes. C. As an experiment, discover what happens. Let yourself be surprised and wowed and delighted by life, and then. Well, then life gets a whole lot better and you get unstuck. So thanks for being with me today. A pleasure as always. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.

Sam.