Yes Lives In The Land Of No

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show and welcome to the new year. It's 2024. Woo. I'm excited to be with you here in this year and let's make this the year that you become the most confident version of you. And if you're already building a lot of confidence and feeling good, let's even more. Because you can't max out on confidence. It's not like the more you get, something bad happens or you hit a ceiling. No, there's always more available. And as your confidence grows, your life gets better. You can express more, you can be yourself more. And there's a certain level of confidence needed for self confidence for you to go create what you want in the world and do things and connect with people. But as your confidence grows even beyond that, even beyond the level of confidence to go get the job that you want or create the business that you want or have the relationship that you want, you have those things, you have the confidence to go make things happen in the world. More confidence is even more beneficial because you are then looking beyond yourself and what can I create and what about for me? And you can actually start to maybe solve bigger problems. Maybe you lead a team, maybe you start helping the people that work for you or with you, maybe you start thinking beyond your own preferences and desires and say, what's needed here? How can I make this better here? Right? And it takes even more confidence to then put yourself out there in that situation, say, hey, I have something to offer. Hey, I can help in this way. Right? So more confidence equals more awesomeness. And I'm excited to help you this year continue to grow. And today's episode is focused on a very important aspect of building confidence, which is your ability to tolerate the word, the dreaded word. No, that should probably have some sort of echo effect. We're not going to do that. But I'm just going to, I'm going to do it myself. Here. Ready? Tolerate the word no. No, no, no, no, no, no. We don't like it. We don't, like, hear a no. Of course. And that is where your freedom lies. That's where everything you want lies, as the title of this episode would say. And what I learned from my teacher, Steve Chandler. Yes. Lives in the land of no. We all like the yes. You ask someone out, they say, yes, that's awesome. You ask for the raise, they say yes, awesome. You ask a friend for a favor, they say yes. Ah, great. Feels good, right? But when you ask somebody and they say no, it generally feels less good. No, I don't want to date you. No. I don't want to do that favor for you. No. I don't want to help you. No. I don't want to buy from you. No. We don't want to hire you. No. We don't want to promote you. No. And when we get that no, we generally feel bad. And then because it feels bad, there's this thing as humans, we tend to avoid what makes us feel bad. And so I don't want to do that again. No. Was awful. And then we start to strategize. Okay, all right, all right. How do I get what I want and how do I not get any no's? Hmm. You start to strategize and get the wheels turning. And the wheels are turning so hard, steam starts coming out of your ears because you're trying to solve an impossible problem. How do I get what I want without getting a no? And there is marketing out there that will promote the idea that you can get exactly what you want without ever getting no. In fact, I remember. So I learned about marketing from a wide variety of people, but one of them was a guy named Eben Pagan. And he, back in his early days, wasn't a marketing teacher. He was actually a dating advice guru. And he was the first guy that I learned from back in the day when I was learning basically pickup artist stuff. His was, I'd say better, but still in that same vein. And he had a business or a brand called Double youe Dating. And he went under the pen name David d'. Angelo. And he had, you know, one of his marketing lines as David d' Angelo, Selling dating to dudes. That's a lot of alliteration there. Said, you know, one of the marketing headlines or ad lines might be, you know, discover the perfect approach that never gets rejected or learn how to approach without ever getting rejected. Now, as a terrified, socially anxiety ridden 21 year old, that was Very appealing to me. And that marketing worked because that's what I needed. I didn't want to hear about reject. Now, of course, once you get into his program, I don't even remember what the line was, but once you get into his program, it's all about you got to get out there and get rejected. So, you know, it's a little bit of dangle something in front of them that's what they want and then actually give them what they need, which I'll forgive him for because, you know, it was the first self development program I ever got and it set me on a very radically different trajectory in my life that got me to here. You know, 20 years later, I'm 41 this year. So there you go. Thank you, David D', Angelo, Evan Pagan. But you know, what's fascinating is then I, you know, many years later, was learning marketing from Evan Pagan, and he was no longer running his dating David d' Angelo business. But he referenced that a lot in his teachings and he said, you know, it's key if you can provide a promised result without the thing they want to avoid. For example, in my dating business, I had a headline that said, you know how to approach any woman and not get rejected. And I was like, oh, snap. He used that on me. It worked. And I'm here to tell you that you will get rejected. Yay. Oh, my marketing sucks. But yeah, I don't know. I don't think I'm the best marketer. I'm pretty good. I'm good enough, I guess, to do what I want to do in the world and spread this mission, which I've upgraded, by the way. If you've been listening to my podcast for any length of time, I've called it Mass Liberation. But my mission has received an upgrade as of the end of last year to Divine Liberation. How to bring divine liberation to as many people as possible. What is Divine Liberation? It is the truth that we already know deep down, somewhere, either in your heart or in your higher self or in something beyond yourself, that that's your already whole, complete, worthy, amazing, extraordinary. You already have so much to offer. And I want to help people see that and then go out there and live that, go after what they want, express themselves. Let yourself be silly. Let yourself be known. And that wholeness, that completeness, that worthiness, that inherent value isn't based upon whether you're anxious today or not, whether you look, you know, your no is this way or not, whether you have the right skills in this particular area or not. Sure, you Want to develop some skills? Sure. You want to build some capacity, that's great. But it's not like you're nothing and terrible until you do. So that's divine liberation. Because to me that feels like a truth that's beyond just normal day to day confidence and comes from somewhere bigger and better. So that's the mission. And so, you know, I learned marketing to do that. But I wouldn't say I'm a marketer. I don't love it. It's not my jam. And I know people because I've done a lot of trainings in it, that that's their jam. They're, they're so lit up coming up with marketing. And mine's sort of like how much marketing do I have to do in order to just do the work that I love, which is this, being with you, recording these, working with clients, leading groups, teaching events, working with people one on one writing. So but I need, you know, if I write and then no one reads my stuff or I teach to an empty room, that's not serving the mission. So I gotta learn marketing. But my marketing is not great because I'm telling you here today that you are gonna get rejected. And I hope that you get rejected. And I hope that this, this is my wish for you. That if you want the best 2024 of your life, the most confident 2024, the best results of 2024. And I don't just mean inner confidence, I mean tangible practical results of like, look, with my confidence, I was able to go out there and get that better job. I was able to go out there and connect or have better friendships. Those actual results in your life. If you want 2024 to be the best year yet, set your goal to get the most no's that you've ever gotten in your life in this year, get the most nos that you've ever gotten. That's the game that I'm playing this year. In case you're wondering. I'm playing several games. Some of the games are tbr. That stands for to be Revealed. I don't know yet what they're going to be. You know, I sometimes try to come up with all of them beforehand. And then of course, you know, by, by the end of January, I'm like, oh, my plans. I don't know what's going on. So a lot of my goals and games for the year will be revealed over the course of the year. But I know what's on the horizon right now. I can see what's in front of me. And so one of them is the no game. The no game at the biggest. The biggest level ever. Because I'm a man of extremes, and I like the biggest ever. What does that mean? That means in the beautiful phrasing of the book from Andrea Waltz and Richard Fenton, I believe his name is. It's called Go for no. And I actually have an interview with Andrea from way back when on this podcast. You can go search for it@drinkforthshyguy.com, shrinkforth gu guy.com. you can also go to DoctorAziz. And under Resources, it says Podcast. That's doctoraziZ-R-A z I z dot com. And if you haven't gone to draz.com, go there and you can get a free training that I have called Five Steps to Unleash youh Inner Confidence. It's a video series training. There's also an ebook that comes with it all absolutely free. And if you're not aware of that and you haven't done that, you should definitely check that out. And you can also find out about events that I'm doing. We have one coming up in March, a virtual event. So lots of cool stuff this year that. That you can check out there. The podcast is also available there. And you can just search for Andrea Waltz. Her name is A N D R E A. And you can hear me interviewing her about this concept of going for no. But the idea is that Steve Chandler put so eloquently in the sentence, yes lives in the land of no. So we got it all wrong when we say, how do I get what I want? And avoid getting the no's. Because if you're avoiding the no's, the only way to really do that is to avoid the risks. Because you might say, no, I'm gonna get so good at sales, I'm gonna get so good at dating, I'm gonna get so good at socializing, I'm gonna get so good at whatever you're looking to get the all the yeses in, then I'm guaranteed to only get yeses. And I don't care how good you are at anything, you're not gonna get only yeses. I mean, especially in things like dating or business. Why? Because it deals with other people. How do you control other people? And that's the stuff that pissed me off about the pickup artist world was that it was this illusion of control, and it was, I'd say, pandering to speaking to the secret desires of all these men, of which I was one who felt so overlooked so powerless, so unloved. And here come these people promising, hey, you can just get any woman to do anything with my magical hypnosis techniques. You're like, oh, okay, that sounds powerful even. And it's not true, it's not real. And look, I'm not saying that there's some tactics that you could use that might manipulate someone into wanting your approval or wanting to sleep with you. I'm not saying nothing. None of that stuff might be effective, but it's not ultimately fulfilling in my experience. And also it wasn't really that effective. I think it's a lot of marketing. And the most effective thing I got from the pickup artist training was, dude, just go talk to women, stop hiding in your bedroom playing video games. What a tactic. That's the best one. And then other stuff that I think can be taught in a much healthier way about owning yourself, owning your value, not being, grasping and needing something from this other person and really seeing what can I contribute. But there's just much higher vibration, higher maturity levels of dating. And by the way, I have a course called Dating Mastery. Dating Relationship Mastery. It's inside of Confidence University, which you can also check out on my website, draziz.com,/a z I z.com under products. But that one I think is much higher maturity. Ultimately it's gonna be effective not just getting laid, but how to actually create extraordinary relationships. Because that's what most people, I think ultimately want. And even if you don't want to settle down, you want to explore many different relationships and stuff. You know, most people want to do it in a way with integrity, where they feel good about themselves, not in some kind of sleaze way. So in order to connect with that amazing person in dating, in order to have the sales that you want, in order to get the money that you want in your career, in order to have the friendships that you and I could go on with a list of things that you might want to create in the external world. The most effective strategy is actually to go for no. Now what that doesn't mean is like, oh well, if I just tell that person, shut up and buy for me, I'm going to get a no. If I, you know, go say some offensive thing to that person, they're going to not want to be my friend. Look, I got a no, no, don't be a jackass. That's not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about here is I'm gonna go open heartedly attempt to connect with this person and see if there's something that I can sell that they can offer them, they're gonna want to buy. I'm gonna go connect with this person, see if they're open to a friendship. I'm gonna go talk to that person I find attractive and see if there's some magic there. And then if there is, I'm gonna ask them out. Whatever the area is, you're actively trying and you're seeking to further that interaction to where it gets to a no. So what you're not doing is like, I'm gonna go talk to that person and we're having a great conversation. Then I'll just say, well, see you later, and slink away. Why? Because I didn't want to ask them out. I didn't want to see if they wanted to hang out again as a friend. I mean, that's. That's too forward. What if they said no? So what we're doing is we're taking the risk to go for no in every single one of those interactions. And some of the interactions, you're going to be totally convinced ahead of time. Like, oh, God, they're going to say no. Oh, boy, here we go. You think you know ahead of time, and maybe you're right. You also find that you're wrong. You ask them for something and they say yes. And you're like, oh, whoa. Really? You sure? So we're going to go for no. We don't know the outcome. It could be a yes, it could be a no. And I am going to build my capacity and my tolerance to receive that no without imploding, without turning on myself, without attacking myself. Because that's the biggest benefit from this game. You might think the biggest benefit is, well, if I get more no's, then I'm also going to get more yeses. And if I get more yeses, I'm gonna get more of what I want, which is gonna be awesome. I'm gonna feel so happy. And sure, maybe you will. Maybe you will. We've also had experiences in our life where we get what we want. We're not happy, so I don't know. But it's fun to go after things that we want. I'd say go for it, but the biggest victory here is not you getting what you want. It's you becoming free. Because when you can hear a no and have a different response inside of you, then your life becomes amazing. Because now you're no longer linking your sense of worth, your happiness, your okayness, to what someone outside of you. Says or does or wants or doesn't want. That is a inherently fragile sense of security that I can only feel okay if this person says yes to me right now. I can only feel okay if they want me now. I can only feel okay if something out there goes just this way right now. And if it's a no, I'm gonna feel scared. I'm gonna feel worthless, I'm gonna feel awful. That is, there is no confidence there. There is no freedom there. There is only endless suffering there. And you can suffer and be rich. You can suffer and have lots of sex. You can suffer and have lots of friends, lots of love, lots of respect, lots of career admiration. And I know this because I've had those things and suffered, and maybe you have had too. And I've also talked to a lot of clients who are having success in one or more areas, and they're still suffering. Why? Because I got all those people to say yes to me before, but what about the next one? Or I got a lot of yeses in my career, but what about the no's I'm getting in dating or vice versa? And it doesn't matter if I have a bunch of yeses over here, I get some no's over there and I'm worthless. That is the promise of this game is that you get to find your freedom through courage. The courage to go for no. So you can set up the game however you'd like. My invitation to you for this year, though, is to create that game. What would that look like for you? Maybe you can pick a specific area and say, I'm gonna go for no in and it's based upon maybe what you want to create in your life. Right? So you want more friendships. Well, I'm gonna, you know, go start conversations. And you could make it specific numbers if you like games like that. You could also make it like, hey, every time I go out to an event, I'm gonna talk to a couple of people. And it doesn't have those specific numbers because maybe those numbers make you feel all attached and tweaky. And maybe the numbers are helpful for you because, like, yeah, okay, I'm going to, you know, ask 12 people out this quarter. That's one a month. Maybe it's more. Maybe for you, maybe it's less. It feels like a lot, maybe it doesn't. I don't know. The point here is that you get to come up with the numbers. Maybe it's a certain career area of focus. Where can I get no's? Specific no's and look, you reach out to someone via email to see if they can do business with you, and they totally. And you totally hear nothing back. That's a no. Baby, you don't have to literally get the word no. You can get ghosted or ignored. We'll count that as a no. And make it fun, you know, make it something to shoot for. Can you get. And I find if it's like, I'm gonna get one no a month, that's probably kind of a low number. Not a lot of juice there. Set a little higher would be my suggestion for you. All right, so that brings us to our action step for today. Time for action, action, action. Your action step for today is to do what I was just saying to do, which is to come up with a game. I realized that I already was sharing the action step there, and so here we go. But come up with it now. Don't. This is not something to do later. I'm gonna do it later. I'll think about it and do it later. No, just come up with something now. You can always change it tonight or tomorrow when you really are refining it. But just let some crazy idea come to you. I'm going to get 25 no's in this area of my life in the next two weeks, the next three months. Keep it. You know, maybe you could do for the whole year, but then also can you come up with something for a shorter time frame? Because the whole year. Okay, I'm going to get 172 no's over this year of 2024. No. Number one. Right. It sort of feels like this daunting mountain to climb. So maybe it's like, hey, I'm going to get 10 this month or 10 this week or something. It depends on what volume you're going for and what you're practicing, what your opportunities are to practice. And then you could also throw in some bonus no's that are just totally random that have nothing to do with the game you're playing. Maybe you're playing it in work, in your career, but you're out at a restaurant and someone says, hey, this. Hey, do you mind if I, you know, get a. Get an extra whatever with my meal? One person's like, oh, no, we can't do that. Okay, thanks. Boom. Just got a no. Chalking up bonus no's. I do this all the time. Quick example. We were at a hotel not that long ago, and one of the most common things I do when I'm at a hotel is to ask for a late checkout. Because why not? Just don't have to rush out the doors quickly. If you don't know this, at most hotels, the checkout time is usually 11am if you ask them for a late checkout, you can almost always get it at least to 12. Almost always. And so I called the hotel and I was like, hey, I was wondering if I get a late checkout. And I started, instead of just saying, can I get a late checkout? And seeing what they said, I would suggest to 1pm Right? So that way I'm setting the frame even further out than their normal one hour. So I called the hotel and the guy, I said, hey, I'd like to get a late checkout. Can we get out at 1pm Guy's like, okay, let me check your room. Okay, yeah, we can do a late checkout for you, but our late checkout time is noon. Okay, so I got a yes and a no there, right? I got a no to my one o'. Clock. I got a yes to late checkout. And I said, okay, great, now you could hang up, say, thank you so much, but why not go for now? So I said, okay, thank you so much. Hey, I'm wondering if it's possible to get it. Oh, he said, we could do one o', clock, but we'd have to charge you an extra, like 50 bucks or something like that. And so I said, oh, it's okay. We'll stick with the 12. Hey, I'm wondering, is it possible to get it to 1230 by any chance? There's a pause and the guy said, yeah, we can do 12:30. I said, okay, thank you so much. And I hung up the phone. So I'm going for another look. And he could have said no, and I would have got another no. Now, I've done this so much in my life that there is absolutely zero anxiety when I'm talking to this guy about this. This is not an anxious. This is not a dangerous situation. I'm just asking something. And now what if you could extend that to a dating opportunity, to a career conversation, to asking somebody to buy something, to putting your product out there, to something that feels like this. No. Is truly terrifying and dangerous. And it, like, it's the topic, right? Like, oh, and dating, Those are dangerous? No, it's just simply the matter of how many times you've done it and the meaning that you're loading onto it and you make it mean something terrible. You and I know this because I've worked with clients who would make it mean something terrible about them. If they ask someone for a late checkout and they said no, and then through specific guided action steps that I'll give them as well as changing their inner story, all of a sudden that becomes a non issue. And that can be the same way in something that right now feels really high stakes and you feel so bad if someone says no. You can shift this. It's absolutely possible. So I'm excited for you. But it all starts with this game. So let's play that game together in 2024 and I look forward to supporting you in any way shape that I can for this year for you to experience your own liberation, whatever that looks like for you. So maybe it's just this podcast. If you want to go further, definitely check out draziz.com and you know the Confidence University product I mentioned. We got some beautiful events coming up, virtual and an in person one, as well as opportunity as always to work with me for a year in my Mastermind program. So if this is the year that you really want to take charge of your confidence, then stay current here with this podcast as well as check out some of the other offerings I have and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to Social Confidence center dot com.