YOU Are The Captain Of Your Life

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you, I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome to today's episode of the show. Today I have an important question for you that might make little bit of sense at the beginning, but will make a lot of sense by the end. And I, I'm gonna bet that by the end of this episode when I ask you this question, you're gonna smile. All right, let's find out what that is. So by the way, if you're benefiting from the show and you would like to pay it forward and help other people find it, as this show is absolutely free and you could be a hero in someone else's life by sharing it with them, that's my goal, is to find all the people out there in the world and there are millions of us that, that have social anxiety, self doubt, not fully being authentically you in the world. And you want more courage, support and teaching guidance on how to do that. So if there's anyone in your life that you think would benefit from this show who comes to mind right now, and my request would be to let them know, a friend, a colleague, a family member in a specific episode, if this episode or another episode stands out to you, just pass it along and say, hey, I think you might like this. Fantastic. So are you ready for the question, are you the captain of your ship? Are you the captain of your ship? What does that mean? Well, a metaphor that I use often at my live events and in the group programs that I run is being the captain of your ship. And that can mean a couple things, but one of the key teachings in that is that you are responsible for steering your life for the outcomes that you get, for how you choose to respond to adverse outcomes or negative situations or challenging experiences in life, as well as how you navigate the inner experience of life too. So we're going to go deeper into this metaphor today, and by the end, you really know what it means and also feel inspired by what's possible here for you. So think of A captain. When I say this, I'm not thinking of a present day ship. You can, you can think of whatever you want. You can think of a spaceship, I don't know, but I think of a captain from ye olden times upon the seas. Perhaps a galleon or a frigate or something. Before there was motors, before there was engines on boats, it's just sails. And think about a boat. Does a boat just have one person? Well, unless it's a dinghy, no, there's a whole crew on a boat, right. And there is a captain. Well, what does the captain do on the boat? Well, the captain is going to be primarily making decisions. He or she is the leader of the boat deciding which way we're going to go, which pathways we're going to take. If there's adversity, how are we going to respond to that? Are we going to barrel through? Are we going to go a different direction? Are we going to wait it out? You know, what do we do when there is an attack? What do we do when there's danger? What do we do when something doesn't go according to plan? Now the captain is navigating from point A to point B, or trying to carry out a mission in the outer world. The captain is also navigating what? That's right. The crew on the boat, managing the people on the boat, the politics on the boat, the dynamics on the boat. And you know, depending on the boat and the time and the era and what kind of, you know, if you are sort of a commissioned boat or a military boat or a pirate boat, you know, there's a risk of, if you don't manage the internal well, you're not going to be captain for very long and you might get, you know, mutinied or thrown in the brig. So just like that, you, my friend, are navigating a boat and you're trying to create things in your life, you know, certain outcomes. You want, you, you want to improve something in your career, make a change in your job. You maybe want to earn more. You want to advocate for a different position or more opportunities or more autonomy. You want to take risks in your business or your career. You want to see what you can do or create, maybe even start your own business. These are all things you do in the outer world, right? And that's just the area of career. What about your social life? You want to make friends, you want to have connections, you want to have cool experiences, you want to have adventures, you want to travel? What about in your love life? Well, you want to Have a different kind of relationship or a better relationship or a deeper relationship, or maybe get into a relationship or date. These are just kind of broad examples of outcomes out there that you're going for. Those are like, you know, in this captain metaphor, that's like the islands that you're going to be going towards and sailing towards. You know, what islands are you sailing towards right now? And what kind of captain are you? Are you a bold captain? Do you go for those islands that are unknown, islands that you've never been to before? Or are you a cautious captain? Are you hesitant to go into uncharted territory, uncharted waters? It's dangerous. There can be a kraken out there. You know what a kraken is? Kraken is a mythical beast. It's ginormous, the size, in fact. From afar, sailors would see it and think it was an island. And they get closer and realize it was a gigantic sea creature with all these tentacles that could destroy boats. So that might be out there. Look out, don't go that way. What do you do? Do you set sail for the island or the locations that really call you and excite you? Or do you pre settle, say, you know what, we're not going to make it there anyway. Too dangerous, too hard, too risky. Let's just know, go do the easy stuff. What kind of captain have you been? And maybe even more importantly, what kind of captain do you really want to be? What captain do you need to be that life is calling you to be? And it might be calling you by creating a hunger and a desire and a passion and energy. It might be calling you by creating pain and saying, hey, you can't stay in this job, you can't stay in this relationship. You can't stay in whatever dynamic you're doing of being too nice or too pleasing or too self critical. It's not working. You're not getting anywhere. You're not getting to the island that you want. You're not living the life that you fully want. Which, by the way, is the number one regret of the dying. I did not live my life fully. I lived to the expectations or pressures of others. So what kind of captain do you want to be now? That is confidence, right? Because you say, well, I don't want to go to those islands because I'm probably not going to make it anyway. I don't know, right? There is a lack of confidence, lack of belief in yourself, faith in yourself, or a lack of courage, willingness to go. It's like, I don't know, right because you can say, well, how could a captain be so certain that they're going to get there if they've never been there before? Well, they could just generate the certainty we're going to make it. Won't you fall off the end of the Earth? No, we're going to make it. Right. And sometimes that's necessary when it comes to dealing with the different parts of different crew members on your boat. We'll get to that in a minute. We're still talking outer goals, outer captain, or a captain can be, I don't know. But I have faith in me or I have faith in our ability to handle it. I have a faith in our resourcefulness. So yeah, we might hit some storms, but we'll figure it out. Yeah, we might, you know, have an adversity. It might be a kraken figure out how to get away from that. So where is that confidence for you and how could you strengthen that? One major way to strengthen confidence in our abilities, our capacities, our self efficacy. Yes, I can. Yes, I'm an agent of change in the world. I'm not an effect. I'm not waiting around. I'm not a buoy on the ocean just bobbing around. I'm in a boat. I can steer, I can adapt, I can change, I can grow. And how do you build that confidence and capacity? You do it. It's a muscle. You use it or you lose it. You take the risks, you take the actions, you make the. You go for things, you fall short, you fail, you learn, you get up and you go again. That's the fastest way to build this kind of confidence. It's through bold action, relentless action. Willingness to fail, willingness to feel it all. Willingness to grow, humbleness, to say, yeah, I didn't know and that's why I made that mistake. And I'm going to learn and grow again because I'm not just going to sit here. I'm not going to sit here in the harbor because I don't want a life where I'm just floating around the harbor. Right. In this captain metaphor, have you been just waiting around in the harbor, going back and forth in that flat little protected body of water? There's no waves in the harbor. Safe still, you know, Is it really safe? Sometimes there's a harbor fire where all the boats burn. Oh, dang. Didn't think of that one, did you? Sometimes a boat can get stolen from the harbor, sometimes they can get vandalized. There's all kinds of things. There's no safety. So what do you want do you want to try to eke out your existence safely in the harbor, dying from boredom? Or do you want to go out where the big boats are, the open seas, see what life you can create for yourself? We have a little picture book that we read to my kids and it's called, I think it's called Luis the Chicken. I don't know, the Adventures of Luis the Chicken. And it's about this chicken. She's on a farm and she's just doing whatever chickens do, pecking around seeds and laying eggs and stuff. And then it's like. But Louise longed for adventure and so she walks off the farm and like goes into town and goes to like the boats. And this must be in ye olden times because it's like, you know, pirate boats and stuff. And she gets on a boat, like a military, like it looks like a British military boat galleon or something. And then she's like smelling the salt air. Just this chicken walking around on a boat, smelling the fresh salt air. But she's not. It's interesting, but she hungers for adventure. And then the next day or whatever, there's a call, someone says, pirates. And her heart beats faster and she's like, yes, this is the adventure I'm seeking. So it's a brave little chicken. She hungers for adventure. Maybe you do too. Okay, so that's the outer captain, right? What about the inner captain? Well, it's just as important, in fact, maybe even more important, because if you don't command your ship well, if you don't work with the crew well, you're not going anywhere, you're not going to reach those islands, you're not going to be able to be successful in any long term way externally because the ship is a mess. Right? Think about that. If the crew is fighting, if there's infighting, if there's constant undermining and battles with each other, they're not going to successfully navigate a challenge, especially not a kraken. They're just going down, they get that thing. But they're not going to be able to get to the islands. They're not going to be able to succeed. They're not going to be able to navigate a storm. You got to be able to work together, you got to be able to navigate the oceans. And the captain can't do it all themselves. There's this need to work with the other crew members. Now in this case, the crew members in this metaphor are the different parts of you. Parts of you is just a conceptual way to think about or Imagine that you are not a singular perception or set of feelings or mood or attitude. You're a variety of things, right? You know, sometimes you're bold and determined, and sometimes you're timid and want to run away. You are disciplined and motivated, and sometimes you're lazy. You just don't want to do stuff. You're both of those things, right? Sometimes you trust yourself and you make bold, decisive action. And sometimes it's just doubt city doubt everywhere. So what is that? Is it just passing moods? Well, you know, you might think of it as different moods or patterns or perceptions, but one interesting way to imagine is actually parts like, almost like persons inside of you, like a crew on a boat. And so you got the doubting part that's like, we're never gonna make it to the island. We're gonna die. We're all gonna die out here. It's gonna. The wind hasn't been coming in days. We're not gonna make it. It's the doldrums. We're done for. I'm probably gonna get scurvy, right? So that one's. That one's there just spitting out doubt. Then there's what? There's maybe like a harsh crew member that's like, shut up. Everyone gets a walk. You're lazy dogs and kick. You got a critical attacking one in there. Maybe there's a wise one. Maybe there's one that's got good perspective or has traveled the seas before. And it's like, well, we've seen this before. Everybody, let's calm down. I have great ideas, wisdom, right? So you got all these different parts inside of there that's all different parts of you. You got an anxious part. You certainly got a part that's terrified of the Kraken, right? Kraken's gonna get us. I've seen the Kraken. Did you hear about the Kraken killing the other boat? Everybody. That one gets together with doubt, and they just create a little storm in there. When the doubts and fears unite. Look out. Right? There's a lullaby we sing to our kids. And there's a line there that says, when the doubts and fears unite, there's a home in the holy light that makes me smile, makes me think of my kids. We sing that one every night. So there's a way through the doubt and fear. The holy light, whatever that is, for you. And then you are the captain. What does that mean with all these parts? Well, I often will ask clients this when they're facing an issue. I'll say which part of you is steering the ship right now? And they'll know what that means, because maybe we are facing a challenge. One client was doing some change in her business. And it is hard, right? You gotta make decisions. It's uncertainty, it's risk. You make mistakes, people get upset. There's clients, there's team members. That's a lot, right? And I was like, yeah, that's a lot. And so who's going to be navigating the boat through these rough waters? And we looked at it, and it was the voice of doubt. It was like the doubting one was at the helm of the ship. The helm, steering the wheel. Imagine one of those big wooden steering wheels of Yolden boats. If you have any nautical knowledge whatsoever. I'm sorry, I love this metaphor, but I actually haven't put any research what boats were actually like back then. I should do that. In any case, the metaphor is still strong. It's strong. So imagine that doubting part just got the wheel. And in her case, the doubting part was holding the wheel and was frozen and not able to make powerful decisions and steer. And was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, we're gonna die. Oh, my God. It's not gonna work. It doesn't work. We're gonna crash. And was just frozen in place. But it had grips on the wheel. So I asked her, where's your captain right now? She paused and she laughed. And she said, I think he's locked away downstairs, or she's locked away downstairs. I said, okay, let's get her out. And so I had her stand tall and breathe and claim, I am the captain of my ship. I am. Just do this with me right now. Just say it out loud. You could say it quietly if you want, or you could say it boldly if you want. I am the captain of my ship. And if you're standing or you can sit up tall with strength, with pride, with ownership of your life, I am the captain of my ship. Right? And look, you don't know everything. You don't have all the answers. You're not all knowing, all perfect. You're gonna make mistakes. You're gonna be scared, but you are steering this thing. Cause, like, what is the alternative? We often don't think about it, but the alternative choice. And it is a choice that you make whether you're gonna take total ownership today or not. This, Mom. The alternative is just this. Bleh. Giving it over to something else. And I don't mean that in a beautiful, spiritual way like I'm giving my life over to a higher force. And I'm. It's, you know, you know, sort of the. What is that? Prayer of Assisi, St Francis Prayer, you know, God, Lord, make me an instrument of youf peace. Guide me. It's not that. It's like I'm just giving it over to life and then life's gonna kind of screw me. I know. It's. It's like this entitled, self pitying, blaming approach to life. And it might not be really extreme, it might just be subtle to where you're like, oh, man, the weather's not. The wind's not strong today. Oh, I don't like this. Why is it so hard for me? It's easier for other people. I don't have what it takes. I never will. It's got that kind of energy to it. Right? You know what I'm talking about. And it's okay. You don't need to attack yourself. You're not a bad person. This isn't about being critical of yourself. If you notice that, it's just saying, well, what do you want to do? And look, we all go to that place. That's a place that we actually need to learn how to go to more skillfully. When you're disempowered, it just start with awareness. Yeah, okay. Who's driving the boat? All right. It's that really pessimistic, despairing part of me. You know, if you can name the parts, even better. Some people call this part Eeyore. Right? Nothing's gonna work. And it just focus. It builds the case as to how it's never gonna work. And this thing that even if you made progress in the past, it's over now, and this terrible experience is gonna last forever. And this is all you got? Oh, man. Despair, heaviness, negativity. Okay, all right. That part's driving the boat. Step one, become aware of it. Step two is going to be to breathe and watch it. You can be the captain without kicking over the part and grabbing the steering, the helm. In fact, that's not how an effective captain works at all. Because then if you push anybody, if you try to pry somebody off of the wheel, what's going to happen? They're going to fight you like, no, no, no, no, no. Because that voice of fear or that voice of pessimism or that voice of doubt, it is trying to protect you. It is saying, going for these islands is going to be painful. My heart's going to get shattered. To go for a dream and not make it and think you never will is devastating. And there's a part of us like, I don't want to feel that. Let's just close it down in despair or shut it down in anxiety and not go for it. So you got to start with compassion and self awareness. And so step two is just to observe that part as the captain and breathe and just watch it with love and curiosity. Wow, that's really despairing. Okay. And this is a tricky one because sometimes, you know, you think you're watching it as the captain. Wow, that's really despairing. Oh, my God, I feel so hopeless. Right? You get sucked right into it. And so just step out. That's why I love these visual representations. I'll literally imagine like a captain watching another crew member or hearing another crew member be like, yeah, that's despair, alright. Because an ineffective captain will be like, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. I can't hear you. I can't hear. I can't listen to this. Stop it, stop it. Right? It's not powerful. It's like, I can't handle that. No, I can handle every crew member. Bring it on despair. Bring it on anxiety. Bring it on Doubt. Sure, go ahead. But say what you got. There's a Kraken over there. Got it. Thank you, Doubt. Thank you for your perpetual Kraken. Maybe that'll be the panicky part. I don't know. Right, Dallas, we're not gonna make it. And then the scared part's like, yeah, we're not gonna make it because of the Kraken. Like, okay, I love you guys. I love this crew. You might say, Aziz, I don't love this crew. This crew sucks. The panicky part's too loud. Well, you know what? The panicky part actually serves a function, because guess who's going to alert you when there actually is a freaking Kraken out there, right? You'll be saying like, hey, look at that island over there. This one's not on the map. And everyone's like, oh, great, let's resupply. Let's get some coconuts. You could throw me back like 300 years onto a boat in the high seas. I would totally crush it. Guaranteed. I mean, listen, to my knowledge, just go to the island and get coconuts. I mean, it doesn't get any better than this if I have a fallback career as some sort of nautical archaeologist. I'm sure. In any case, let's go to the island, get the coconuts. And that scared part's like, you know what Guys, I think that's a kraken. And you might say, no, come on. And then you get a little closer and you're like, I think he's onto something. Right? Like sometimes the scary part of you has a good message. It says, I don't trust that person in business, you know, I don't know if I should stay with this person. Something feels off. I don't think we should marry this. I don't know, something's not right here, right? And it's useful and you know, if it's firing off 90 times a day and you're listening to it and you're letting it drive the boat, not useful. But every part serves a function on the boat. Welcome them all, embrace them. They're supporting you, they're helping you. You just gotta be the freaking captain of your boat and claim it. And sometimes people are like, yeah, but I can't. That part kicks me around. All right, well, let's just roll this into your action stuff because it's time for some action right now. Time for action. Action, action. Alright, for action. You got to stand up for this, alright? You stand up. So if you can't, I'm not going to say come back and do this later because you probably won't, but do it while sitting and if you can, come back and do it again later standing, because it's more powerful standing. I want you to stand fully upright. I'm just trusting what you're standing right now because look, this is your life. I'm not, I'm steering my own ship. You're steering your own ship. I want you to steer your ship as powerfully and as awesomely and as with much confidence as possible. And I know this is one powerful way to do it, and I've learned anything over these years is that your physiology matters. How you carry yourself, how you use your body. I use it in all my events, I use it in all my group programs. And if you skip that part, you know why? Why not everything that can help. My motto for a year has been whatever it takes and whatever works. So let's stand up, shake your body out a little bit, stand tall, breathe fully, have your feet balanced between the two. No lilting or slouching. Stand upright, bring your shoulder blades together, your head up, looking at the horizon, and give me your best captain's pose. You're just your best captain if you like, whatever, Star Trek and you want to be a captain from that show or space captain or I don't care, just a captain of a ship. Like you own the thing. Like you're steering. Like you're making decisions. People are looking to you for leadership. And say this out loud. I am the captain of my ship. Good. Say, I got to stand further back from the micro. I'm going to blow it out. I am the captain of my ship. Again. I am the captain of my ship. Who's the captain? I am the captain. And feel that. Own it. Breathe more fully and deeply. See yourself as that captain. Step into that version of you that does make powerful decisions, that does steer. I welcome all the parts, all the crew members, and bring it on. No crew member controls me. No crew member dominates me. I am skillful. I am resourceful. I am playful. I am curious. I am whatever is needed to regain control of this ship and steer it. And we all work together like, this is my crew. Just take a moment to really think about the different parts of you. Tune into the different parts of you. Almost, like, hold your arms wide out as if you're gonna give a big family hug to all these different parts of you and say, you know, there's some parts that I like and some parts that I don't like. Honestly, some parts I love and some parts I hate, but they're all me. Isn't that ridiculous? How am I hate? One part's hating, another part. Humans are crazy, man. Do you think your cat does this? Do you think your dog has inner conflicts? Oh, I got these different parts. No, humans, man, we're amazing and complex. So just smile and laugh at this thing, this whole crazy ride. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, all these parts, and they're fighting. Guess what? They're all me. And I can navigate this. I can steer this. Now, from this place, I want you to imagine what it's like to be steering your ship. Get a sense of it. Get a feel of it. Where do you want to steer? Maybe some image comes to you of the future or something you want to create or you are creating. Maybe it's a way that you want to be with these different parts of you. Tune in right now and access that inner captain and claim it. And find that posture and that feeling that really embodies it for you. And breathe in deep. Nice. So I have to end with a question I told you I'd end with, which is, are you the captain of your ship or who's the captain of your ship? That's right. You are. So get out there and have some amazing adventures. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.