You Can Learn Confidence

Do you believe that you can learn confidence? I mean, do you really believe that on a deep level, are you totally convinced that confidence is a skill that you can develop and learn and get better and better and better at to achieve extraordinary results in your life, in business, income, relationships, love, everything? Well, you're going to find out exactly how that's true in today's episode and. And how to start building your confidence today.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon, welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination with your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's show. I am super excited to be with you here today. I know I say that a lot, but it's really true. And I really am because I love sharing this stuff. I mean, I'm sitting in my office and working with people day in and day out on this stuff. The nitty gritty about how do we create this transformation in ourselves to be more and more confident? And then I get all these great ideas and I see what's working for them, and I just want to, like, shout it from a mountaintop. I just want to share it with as many people as I can. And so this is my mountaintop. And. And I hope that you are able to take this in and learn this so you can shift in your life and become more free and more liberated. And I love doing this. And if you're enjoying the show, please, by all means, give it a review on itunes so we can spread the message and reach more people. And go to facebook.com SocialConfidence I think it's just social confidence, actually. I've been saying social confidence center, but someone messaged me and said it's actually just social confidence. So there you go. Social media management is not my strong suit yet, but I can learn that. Hey, facebook.com SocialConfidence and there's a great place to join in there, lots of people to talk to about this stuff and a little community forming. So, boom. And today we're gonna get into. You can learn confidence. You can learn confidence. And the reason that I wanna make a whole show about this is because you might already believe this, in which case you're in a good position and this will just reinforce that you might not be sure about this and this episode's gonna be great for you, or you might. I don't know. I feel like even I was just. I noticed this because I was just doing a weekend intensive with a client and we'd been working together for a couple of Months. And then he came in to do a weekend with me here in Portland. And I noticed this really profound shift over the weekend because even though we'd been working together for a few months and he'd been making some good progress over the weekend, he really, truly, deeply got that. Confidence is a skill that he can build. And we had a number of conversations about it. And for him, he'd actually lost a bunch of weight and had some great success in his health in the last year. And so when he started to see it was like that, like, through consistent action and practices, he could, you know, just like he could take care of his health and grow that he could grow his confidence. When he really got that, something clicked in him and he just got on fire. And I was like, oh, wow. So that is a first step. We really have to believe that it's true. So let me start with this confidence. Is it a talent or a skill? What do you think? And not just intellectually like, oh, Z said it's a skill, so it's a skill. I mean, check with yourself right now. Deep down, what do you believe is confidence a talent or a skill? And first of all, what's the difference between a talent and a skill? Well, in most people, when they describe this, they think of a talent as something that's inborn, innate, just comes with you as just part of who you are, like your eye color versus a skill, which is something that is developed over time through practice. So which is confidence, do you think? Something that you're just born with or something that you develop over time through practice? What do you think and how do you know? What are you basing your thinking on, your belief on? Interesting. And also, how will this impact how you approach developing confidence in your own life? I think most people on some level, still believe that it's a talent. They still believe that there's something in there that is born into the person. And it might not be all of it. They might not say, well, okay, all of it's not a talent. Sure, I could learn how to start conversations with people and maybe do a few things like that. But then they believe beyond that is a talent. You know what I'm saying? It's like, well, okay, yeah, but then to be a public speaker or. Or to grow my own business or to go talk to those people I'm really attracted to, smoothly, that's definitely a talent. I'm not there. It's just I don't have it. That's what I've seen again and again and again. And you know what? None of it is true. None of it. It is entirely skill based. First of all, the idea that someone would be born with confidence is absolutely true. I was gonna say absurd, but it's absolutely true. Because guess what? Everyone is born with confidence. Everyone. And if you don't believe me, watch a toddler at the age of my guy Right now is 15 months, the recording of this show. But 1 to 2 years old. Watch Kids, man. They are the model of extremely high confidence. They try things endlessly and it doesn't matter if they fail. In his case, walking falls down, gets up, falls down, gets up. There's no shame in it. There's no self criticism, no self judgment. He will say what he wants completely boldly, like, give it to me, give it to me. And if you don't, he'll just ask again and again and again. He's impervious to rejection, totally resilient, moves on, loves himself, has no sense of self criticism. I mean, he is the model of self esteem and confidence and, and all little kids are like that now. As we get older, we start to get socialized. Depending upon how lucky or unlucky you were, you might have had some parents that did that in a pretty cruel way or a loving way. Schools, institutions, other things. We learn a bunch of crap that restricts us, shuts us down, kids make fun of us, so on and so forth. And then here we are today as adults, and we're sensitive. We're afraid. We're worried about being judged, criticized, not liked. Am I good enough? Do people like me or not? And the result is we're no longer in our natural state, which is of confidence. And then we come up with these stories. Well, it's just. That person was just born with it. Yeah, but so were you and so was I. And so was every single one of us. And guess what? It's just a matter of learning. If you unlearn some of the crap that you learned along the way and learn some new stuff, it'll come back that natural state. You can be more and more confident in who you are. And we're going to get into exactly how to do that in today's episode, how to shift that thinking so you really do see it as a skill. I'm going to share some powerful and interesting research about talent and other things along those lines and answer a question from a listener about motivation, how to stay motivated on this journey. And we're going to dive into a lot of good stuff. So stay tuned. We'll be right Back right after this. I want to take one moment to acknowledge a listener who left me a message through the website Shrink for the Shy Guy. It was really touching, really compelling, and he just shared how much he's grown, and it's awesome to hear about his progress. So let's jump into that right now.

Hi, Dr. Aziz. My name is Will, and I am enrolled in both your programs, confidence unleashed and 30 days to dating Mastery. And I just want to thank you for offering these two programs online. I've been really sticking to them a lot, and I found that I'm able to do a lot more. I'm not as shy as I used to. I am definitely a lot more confident. And the most important thing, I think, is that I feel that I love myself. I love myself a lot more. I'm not beating myself up as much as I'm used to. So I thank you for your time listening to this, and thank you for the amazing eye of Pod, the streams that you do on Shrink for the Shy guy, and I hope you have a great weekend.

Thank you. So welcome back. Before we get into more, let's dive into a question from a listener. And now it's time to ask the shrink. This comes from a listener named Gary. Hey, Aziz, I have a quick question for you. I just went back to the action step for episode two, Whoa. Way back when, and pondered where I've had the desire to talk to someone, and I've drawn up a blank. I really, really haven't had much of a desire to talk to anyone. I don't know, male or female. Yet I do want all the benefits of having an active social life. Just seem to be lacking in intrinsic motivation. Is this something you've seen, and how do you tackle it? Thank you, Gary. So that's a great question. And, you know, you might be in that place yourself right now, if you're listening. Where? I don't know. I want. And this is the biggest obstacle I found to developing confidence is not we tell ourselves, oh, I can't. It's a talent thing. But that's B.S. and on some level, we know it's B.S. it's just getting out there and doing this stuff, it's like working out, right? Like, oh, man, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's uncomfortable. I don't feel like it. And we got to find a way to really activate ourselves and motivate ourselves. So this is a great question, Gary. So intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic, if you haven't heard that term, just means internal, internal motivation. And here are a Couple of ideas I have about how to stay motivated on your path towards greater confidence. The first is getting drawn to what you really want, what really excites you, what would you want to create in your life? And this is what I always start with when I'm talking to someone is like, what is your vision for confidence? And there's a couple areas. One is who you're going to be in the world. And the second thing is what that's going to bring to you in this life. So let's start with the first thing, and you can do this along with Gary or anyone listening. Let's do this together. So what can you imagine? Just imagine total confidence for yourself. What would that look like? What would that feel like? How would you move through the world? How would you be standing, breathing? And in fact, if you can stand up right now, do that, it'll be even more powerful to do this exercise. So stand up right now, unless you're in your car, but if you're not, stand up. Yes, yes, you. That's right, you. Good, good. We're all standing up, so just join in with us here. Here we go. Go ahead and do it now. Don't be a holdout. Okay, good. So you're standing up and you can close your eyes again. Don't do this. I wouldn't suggest doing this. If you're driving, close your eyes and just really imagine. Stand the way you'd be standing. Can you think back to a time in your life when you felt totally confident in yourself, totally bold, totally strong, totally powerful? Go and back to that time right now. Just go right back to that time. Think of that time and imagine what was happening in your life, what you were saying to yourself, what you were feeling, what you were doing. And stand the way that you were standing at that time. Breathe the way that you were breathing, holding your body in the same way. What did you used to say to yourself when you were in a state of total confidence, total power, total strength? Good, good. And then imagine what would your life be like if you approached the world in this way? What is total confidence to you? What does it feel like? And more importantly, what does it allow you to do in the world? What would you do with total confidence in yourself? Would you go talk to people? Would you join into conversations? Would you have amazing friendships? Would you be starting your own business? Would you be growing that business?

Would you.

Would you be accelerating in your career? Would you be earning more money and having more freedom? What would you do with that? More money? What would you Love to have what excites you, what inspires you? What would you be able to give and contribute if you had that increased income, increased business, increased freedom? What about in your romantic life, your dating life, your relationships? What if you had that love of your life waking up next to you each morning in bed and you just felt so grateful to have that person in your life? What would you do with that? Total confidence. Good, good. So hopefully you're getting in touch with that, because that, for me, is the most powerful motivator in the world. I'm always doing stuff like this, getting really connected to what we did. There is what's called association, where you associate to what you want. So it's not just some vague like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll do that one day. That sounds good. I mean, it's like something that you really feel in your body, in your core, and you're drawn to it, and then you have some power, some energy in your body to do what it takes to go after. And I suggest doing this for anything in your life, whether it's a health goal, a confidence goal, a business goal, an income goal. You really want to get associated to what it's going to be like when you have it. So that creates what's called a compelling future, which draws you towards what you want. Another thing you can do is you can think about, look, what's my life going to be like if I don't work on this, if I don't take this, if I don't get this handled in my life once and for all, you know, what's going to happen to me? And that's a little bleaker. You know, people don't like to do that, but shit, man, we got to be honest with ourselves. We only have one life, as far as I know. I mean, maybe we come back again and again and recycle and reincarnate. I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm alive right now and you're alive right now, and we got a shot at this. And what do I want it to be? And if I don't do anything, if I don't get out there, what's it going to be like in five years or one year? That's a question I'll often ask people is, what's your life going to be like if you don't do something with this in a couple years? And it's bleak, and it's designed to be bleak because we want to jolt ourselves from this denial that we live in of, oh, Everything's fine. No, everything's not fine. You know, we need to change something in our lives. And sometimes facing the reality of that, whether it's for your health or your confidence or any other goal, is really powerful motivator as well. That dissatisfaction is a very powerful motivator, and we can use that to create what we want in our life. So those are some tips on intrinsic motivation for you, Gary, and for all of us. And this is a great reminder. So I really appreciate that question. That was awesome. So let's jump into talent and skill and a few mindset shifts that you can make that are going to help you start to see that you can build your confidence and stop creating this divide between you and people that are at extremely high levels of confidence that you want to get to. So we're going to jump into that right now. Let's take a quick break and we're going to dive in. So stay tuned.

Want to know the biggest reason why people fail to gain confidence? It's not intelligence, motivation, or willpower. It's a lack of support. Making these powerful shifts on your own can be difficult. Get the support, guidance, and accountability you need to truly transform your confidence so you can confidently talk with strangers, expand your social life, connect with coworkers, and once and for all, feel comfortable interacting with anyone. Go to socialconfidencecenter.com coaching now to learn more.

Here is the truth. Confidence is a skill that anyone can learn. It's about incremental progress. And there's a great book called Talent is Overrated. I highly recommend that you check that out if you want to learn more about this. But there's just so many stories in there about talent, about people that are known for their talent, supposedly talent like Mozart and Tiger woods, and person after person, he just debunks it because it turns out that they had thousands of hours of practice to get to where they were. And the only difference between those people and someone who's maybe not known in those ways is they just started really freaking young. They had a parent who basically said, you're going to become an expert golfer or you're going to become an amazing composer. And the parent happened to be a golf teacher. In the case of Tiger Woods, Mozart's dad happened to be a music composer teacher. He taught people how to write and create music. That's what he did for a living. So they just started their kids super early. And don't let that be an excuse either. Like, well, I didn't start super early and I'm 35. So I'm screwed. No, you're not. I mean, we can learn this stuff faster than you think. So, I mean, I. Someone just asked me this recently and I had to think about it, but they said, so when you really started to work on your confidence, what was the first thing that you worked on? And I said, well, what drove me was what drives most men is women. I wanted to get the girl right, and so I had to learn how to do this stuff. And he's like, okay, well, so what did you do? I was like, well, I got this program, this kind of pickup artist program, and I started to work with that. And even though it had a lot of flaws in it, it gave me this sense of, oh. I mean, the biggest thing it gave me was, you can learn this. Get out there and practice. Don't let fear stop you. That was the biggest thing I got from it. And I really practiced a lot. And within maybe six months, I was having dates with beautiful women. Now, I had a long journey personally, so I thought that would solve all my problems, but I had a lot of deeper insecurities about connecting with women and being good enough and all the stuff. That's why I teach. What I teach now is because just knowing what to say to start a conversation with a woman is not the solution, really. It's part of it, but not fully. But six months, that's not that long. And you might do it faster, you might do it a little slower. I mean, time is the great mystery about how we can do it. But if you're willing to do the inner work on yourself, and I mean, like how to treat yourself with more love, optimal self coaching, and you're willing to take action out in the world, then your success is inevitable. It's just a matter of time, and anyone can do this. And so here are a few mindset shifts that are going to help you with that. One is anytime you see someone who looks very confident is doing something that you want to do, whether it's in business or in dating and relationships or just, you know, whatever how they carry themselves in the world, instead of thinking, oh man, they're so much different than I am, they're so much better than I am, I'm so much worse than they are. I'll never be there. If you notice your mind doing that, just shake your head back and forth, you know, scramble that pattern out of there and say, I can do that. Whatever it is, they're dancing incredibly gracefully and freely. I can do that. They're singing openly and Awesomely, I can do that. They're walking down the street with a beautiful woman next to them who's clearly in love with them, and they're clearly in love with her. I can do that. They lead a business meeting. Like, they're just storming there. And they're amazing at sales and presentations, and you watch them and you're like, whoa, I can do that. So just start saying that I can do that. Because the truth is, you can. And then the first step is to acknowledge that you can. And then your mind will find ways to do that. The next mindset shift is a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. There's a whole bunch of research about this that I can't get into because we're getting to the end of our time together today. But basically, a fixed mindset is, I am how I am. This is who I am now and for always and forevermore. And a growth mindset is I am constantly growing and evolving and changing. Now, which one do you think is more objectively true biologically? Yeah, the fixed mindset is complete bullshit. I mean, to not change is physiologically impossible. There is so much change happening right now. Even from the beginning of this episode to now, there's been massive shifts in the cells of your body, your organs, your physiology, your endocrine system, your hormone systems, your brain chemistry. Everything's constantly changing and growing and evolving. And especially if we're inputting new information that's changing our brains, we're eating something that's changing our bodies. I mean, we're constantly changing and growing. And then if you add in behaviors and actions and skills, things you can learn, just anytime you notice a fixed mindset, become really suspect, become really wary and say, wait a minute. Fixed mindsets don't exist. Fixed things don't exist in this world. We're constantly in flux, constantly growing. So remember, it's a growth mindset. So if you want to get better at sales, for example, growth mindset, you practice, you'll get better. You want to get better with women, you'll get better with women if you practice. You want to get more confidence speaking, you can get more confidence speaking. Just hold that growth mindset to know that you're an evolving, growing being. And who you are now is not who you're going to be in six months, you're going to be a totally different person in six months. In fact, the more that you do your inner work and do work out in the world and take action out in the world, the more you'll radically transform I am completely evolving and being totally different. So me now, when I work with clients and other things, is completely different now than it was three months ago or six months ago or a year ago. Because I'm always learning, growing, evolving. And so are you in any area that you want to do that in. So really take that in and know that there's so much potential for you to grow and expand and evolve. And one of those areas is in confidence. So let's jump into your action step for today before we end. Time for action. Your action step for today is to do something that builds the skill of confidence. Do something. Something small. And it could be something from a previous action step in one of these episodes. A little activity, a little exercise, or, you know, check out one of my programs. There's a, there's a bunch of ideas and suggestions in there or something that, you know, that will just, you know, you don't need to check out a program for that. Just what's something that scares you, something that's a little uncomfortable, that's just one small step outside your comfort zone. Do something. And the reason this is different than another action step is because the, the purpose is not just to do it, but to really show yourself that confidence is a skill that you can learn. If you want to commit to learning that skill, even better. And if you want to take it to the next level on how to learn that skill and work with me directly in coaching or one of my group programs, that to me is one of the fastest ways to get these results, to make these changes. That's one of the big shifts. And one of the reasons why I think coaching works so well is because we get together and we realize that the change is possible and we remove the fixed mindset, the blocks that we tell ourselves about why it can't shift. And then people can just start taking those steps and start taking those actions and they realize that stuff can transform much quicker than we think. So if you'd like to check that out, go to SocialConfidenceCenter.com and check out the coaching tab there. And I'd love to speak with you about that. And also go to facebook.com SocialConfidence to join in the conversation, share your thoughts about this episode, questions you have comments, love to hear them. And until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

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