You Can Talk To Anyone

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. You can talk with anyone. I am here to help you see that and know that and experience that. Not just theoretically, but actually from your own life, from your own experience. Maybe you already have that experience. Maybe you already feel that, maybe you already have that belief and this episode will help you strengthen it. Maybe you're not quite there yet. Maybe some places you feel like you can talk to people comfortably and be you and be comfortable in your own skin. You know, maybe in a certain social situation around certain friends, maybe around a partner, maybe with certain colleagues, and then other social media circumstances, different colleagues, higher ups, potential new clients, new dating opportunity, new people, people that you aspire to be a part of their social group, whatever it is. Then your experience does not feel like you can talk to anyone. And your mind is a sputter of what do people think and what do I say and I don't know what to say. And maybe you get into that anxiety pattern. So maybe it's mixed or maybe you feel like, I don't think I can talk to anyone. I mean, I can talk to a few people, but there's a long list of people that you feel like you can't talk to or that you can do it. But it's sort of a performance and it's exhausting and it's hard and it doesn't go that well and you're stressed about it. So no matter where you are, if you want to get better at talking to people, more comfortable, more confident when it comes to talking to people, you are in the right place and you're here in the right time. Because this episode is part of a series I'm doing focused on conversation confidence because one, it's a topic that I'm very passionate about and two, it's the topic of a virtual event that we have coming up called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. Supremely Confident Conversation Master. That is what you will leave this three day immersion as if you show up to this event and play full out. This is not a theoretical discussion. This is a practical experience that you'll be going through. You will learn tools and strategies on how to communicate more clearly, be more confident. The secrets of confidence when it comes to social confidence. And though you're also going to be practicing and applying and it's like a gym, you get to learn and do and learn and do. And by the end, you will feel comfortable looking people in the eye, having conversations, sharing, speaking up, joining into groups, knowing what to say next, knowing how to come up with interesting things, connect more people, connect more deeply with people, I should say. And also really have a sense of like, oh, I can be a leader here. I don't have to wait for people to come to me and hope that they want to talk to me. Like I can really go out and make things happen in my social life because we go beyond just talking to people. But truly, how do you create a community and deep, meaningful connections as well? So it's such an important topic. That's why I love this topic so much. Because connections with other humans, I mean the lack of that is what causes so much suffering. And there's a level of loneliness and isolation that's only intensified in the last couple years with all of the craziness with lockdowns and mandates and fear of other people and fear of sickness and fear, fear, fear, fear, fear. So it already intensified that isolation that a lot of people feel. And so if you are feeling a little disconnected, a little lonely, a little isolated, come join me. One, you'll feel connected during the event and two, you'll learn how to create that connection everywhere you go in your life. So right now we're doing the Super Early Bird tickets for the event. And typically the ticket for the event is $4.97. During the super early bird, it is 97. So it is 80% off right now for a short period of time. So get your tickets, go to drz.coM-R-A z I z.com and click on the Events tab. Or you can go to shrinkfortheshyguy.com and underneath this episode you'll see a link to click there. So one of the things you're gonna be learning at this event is to have that sense of I can talk to anyone. And that's what I want to focus this episode on is because do you have that sense right now? I can talk to anyone. And that first of all, that's one of those self fulfilling power beliefs, right? Because if you think People are gonna like me, and I'm no good at this. Are you gonna be willing to go approach people, willing to speak up and put yourself out there, or are you gonna be more avoidant, more hesitant, more cautious? And so having that belief of, like, I can talk to anybody, that is a belief of self efficacy that, you know, you're effective in this area. Just like if someone's like, I know I can change a flat tire or whatever it is, you know, I know I can recently, you know, change the doorknob. I know how to change the doorknob. Yeah, right. Got some confidence there. Now, if you've done something a few times, you have a little bit of confidence. You've done something hundreds of times, you have a sense of certainty, of knowing that you can do it. So my question for you is, where do you already have that? Forget conversations, forget confidence for a second. Where do you just have a sense of knowing, like, I can do this? It could be in any area. It could be in your profession, it could be in some handy person skill. It could be in gardening, it could be in some sport, something with computers, anything. You're just like, I know how to do this. I got this. Can you think of something right now? And if you're not, you're probably not giving yourself credit. Whatever it is, there's something there. Okay? Now I want you to think of that experience, activity, event, whatever it is, and really imagine you're about to do it. You're about to change that tire. You're about to open up your computer and do that thing that you know you're really good at. You're about to start to create that art that you know you can do. Whatever that thing is that you're really good at, think about it right now. Put yourself right in that moment, right when you're about to do it. What is that feeling? Can you get a sense of what I'm talking about? It is a sense of relaxed certainty. And that certainty probably comes from repetition, right? I remember not that long ago, I went into an auto parts store to get some sort of dashboard cleaner. I was cleaning my wife's car, she was out of town, and me and the boys did some cleaning. I did most of the cleaning. They did do some vacuuming. We brought us one of those do it yourself car washes, which was great because you get to take the mats out. We have these all weather mats because we're in Oregon and it's raining and muddy all the time. So we have these all weather mats and you can Hook them to the wall and then you can spray them with a power washer, at least a high velocity water sprayer, which the kids loved and then fought over who got to do it more. So that was a blast. And they vacuumed like crazy. It was a quarter, it was like a, I think it was a dollar for four minutes. That's what it was. And my younger son just kept vacuuming and vacuuming and as four minutes ran out, he's like, more. And I'm like, alright, you keep vacuuming, I'll clean other stuff. So he vacuumed for 16 minutes. Best $4 I ever spent. Anyway, he cleans the car, the vacuumed, I did all the rest of the car. And I was like, okay, I want to get the dashboard kind of like shiny and nice, right? So it looks like it's really clean. And so we swing by this auto parts store and I walk in, I buy some whatever Armor all stuff. And as we're checking out, the guy noticed I had my kids with me and he's like, ah, your kids are helping you? I was like, that's right. Yes sir, they are. And he's like, yep, that's how I got started with my dad. And, and he told me this story where his dad, he'd ask his dad, they would replace the oil on a vehicle and then his dad would have him clean the oil pan. And then he'd show his dad and say, is this clean enough? And his dad says, it's clean enough when you can eat off of it. And so he said he had a photo of him when he was three years old with his tongue on the oil pan to demonstrate how clean it was. And he laughed. He had a good time telling me that story. And, and so he's like, so I'm gonna give you a discount because you brought your kids in and they're helping you. And in my mind I thought, dude, my kids are not being trained in the way that you are. You were at 3 years old learning how to change oil. My kids are vacuuming. But whatever. Their skill level with vehicles is a reflection of my own skill level with vehicles. There's other things that they're a lot better at because they learn from me. Like they're good with dogs. They know how to do dog training. They're good with learning how to create or cook things or put recipes and ingredients together, because those are things that I know how to do and I spend time doing. So your kids are gonna learn from you. Why? Repetition. This guy who I guarantee you, if you Said, hey, can you change the oil in your car? That guy's like, step aside. I can do this with my eyes closed. Why repetition? Does it have anything to do with his character or the qualities of him as a human or his worth as a person, or his inherent abilities or intelligence? No, no, no, no and no. So when it comes to conversation, confidence and the power, belief of that, which is I can talk to anyone. If you do not, if that's not a solid yes for you, then there's only one thing missing, which is repetition. And there's only one reason why repetition is missing. What is that reason? You tell me. Fear. That's the only one. Now there's stories on top. Oh, it doesn't work for me. I don't know what to say. I'm not very good at it. I'm not a social person. I wasn't born that way. I have shyness, I have social anxiety. I'm not like my brother or my sister was very outgoing. Oh, I had bad parents. I was abused, I was yelled at, I was criticized as a kid, I was bullied. I was. There's going to be a thousand and one stories. And I'm not saying that you weren't bullied or that you didn't have unpleasant experiences growing up or things that taught you to be scared. I'm not saying those didn't occur. But I'm saying that underneath all those stories, there's only one thing keeping everything in place and everything locked in and frozen, which is fear. Fear of rejection, of embarrassments, of being disliked, of feeling shame at the end of the day. Because when you are rejected, when you are disliked, when it doesn't go the way that you want, when it's a, quote, awkward conversation, what you feel is a sense of unworthiness, unbelonging badness and shame. Other people won't like me. Collectively, I am an outcast. I am unlovable, I am unworthy. People won't like me. And that story starts to grow and build and become more and more and more believable. And it's subtle. It might not be this like crippling fear where you're shaking in your boots and you have to run. It's not that kind of thing. It's more subtle than that. And you might not even be aware of the fear underneath. When I lived in the cage of social anxiety, I was often not aware. I was aware of a lot of self judgment and rumination and criticism. What I was not aware of was any raw fear because I was so Married to my story, so fused with my ideas and perceptions about who I was. And this is how it is that I knew I wasn't going to try anything. I knew that I was a loser. So why am I going to go talk to those people and try to be friends with them? I knew that I'm ugly, so why would I go talk to that woman and try to ask her out? And so the stories were so strong, so thick and layered and calcified that I didn't need to do anything. So there wasn't any fear. But when you start to question those stories, when you start to challenge those stories, when you start to, as you do that, when you challenge those stories now, you're moving closer to action. And as you move closer to action, guess what's waiting for you? Fear. Right. Hooray. And so when you start to notice that fear, that's a good thing. That means you're getting close to the boundary. You're getting close to the edge of the, of the comfort zone where when you step over that into the unknown, over that edge of chaos, into uncertainty, that's when your life is going to begin. And that's the only, only way that you're going to have the experience of saying, I know how to talk to anybody and mean it and know it is through repetition. So my question for you is, how are you going to do it? How are you going to increase your repetition? And maybe an even more important question is why? Why do you want to, why is it important for you? Why is it a must for you? Because if you're like, nah, I don't know, I guess it could be better to be more social or something, I guess I should be more confident, I guess, I don't know. And when I see people in that state, usually they're in some neutral, low energy pattern, they're kind of stuck. They're using a lot of coping strategies, whether it's alcohol or cannabis or video porn or just a lot of tech use and really plugged into devices and just kind of like, I don't know, it's kind of numbing out and no judgment here. I did this for many years. That was a very common experience. I played a lot of video games, used a lot of porn. Those are ways of trying to numb the pain of not stepping into your life. But when you stop doing that and you start to become aware of like, wow, this is my life. This was another day, another month, another year of my life passing me by. And I'm no closer to having the Connections that I want. I'm no more confident. And you're not going to become more confident automatically just because another year passes on the calendar. You only become more confident through the practice, through the repetition, through the exposure, which comes from the willingness, which comes perhaps from the pain and the unwillingness to tolerate another year like this. And so if you're getting fired up listening to me, if you're feeling a sense of charge or urgency, good, then get out there and start having conversations. And there's a thousand and one ways to do it. You can start with friendly greetings. In fact, I'm going to give you an action step right now. Time for action. Action, Action. Your action step is a tried and true action step. It's probably been an action step on this show before. Guarantee that it has. But you know, repetition is the mother of skill, right? So your action step is going to be friendly greetings. This is a cornerstone of my social mastery course. Definitely Supremely confident conversation master. The event that we got coming up, get your Early Bird tickets. Talk about immersion. That's going to be a major boot camp for you to kick things off in this area and get you some momentum, some inspiration, some tools so that the training and the practice you do on your own doesn't have to be so painful. Or two steps forward, 1.5 steps back, and you can really start to move forward freely. So definitely check out your tickets for that. And we're going to be doing this as part of the event, too. Start now. Start ahead of time, which is with friendly greetings. That means you go out to a busy area. Yes. Even now. Yes. Depends on where you are. Maybe you got to wear a mask still. I don't know. Some places are still doing that. Whatever it is. I've done this with masks. I've done no masks. It doesn't matter. There's still humans out there. So you walk down a busy area. There's other humans, indoors or outdoors, doesn't matter. And you say hi to them. And you say hi loud enough so they can hear you. You can put a wave in there. Hey, how's it going? And that's it as you walk by. Hey there. How's it going? Hey, how you doing? Hi. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Do it, and you will press into the edge of your comfort zone. You will feel the fear, and you will get a sense of victory by doing it. Say hi to at least 10, maybe 20 people. And then guess what? A couple days later, do it again. This. This is the kind of repetition I'm talking about. So if you're like, I don't know, maybe I'll do that later. That's like listening to an episode about taking charge of your health. Maybe you got a health problem. You know, you have a standard American diet. Too much processed foods and bacon and cheese and breads, and you're very sedentary and you got heart disease. And the doctor's like, you gotta get moving, you know? Check out Dean Ornish, by the way. He, through diet and exercise, radically transformed people's lives where they did not need heart surgeries. Many of these people would have not only had heart surgeries, but died from heart disease. And their lives totally changed. Why? Because they made these changes. But that would be like listening. You know, you got this health issue and you hear this episode. It's like, you gotta get out there and change your lifestyle. And you're like, yeah, okay, totally. Maybe later, right? And so that's happening right now. Perhaps you don't see it as alarming, but it is very alarming because a lack of social connection, chronic background anxiety of feeling like you're going to be judged, you can't talk to people or people are a threat. These do increase mortality. These do have significant effects on your health, plus your life enjoyment. Right? So hopefully you find that fire, that motivation. Let's do this. And I look forward to speaking with you soon. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.

Sam.