Dr. Aziz argues that being disliked is inevitable and actually freeing. He walks through a one-star Audible review of his book Not Nice, showing how criticism often reflects the reviewer's own pain, not your failure. The point: be yourself and accept that some people won't like you.
Chapters
I have some great news for you. Great news. And that is this. You're gonna love this. I promise. You will be disliked. You will be disliked. No matter how much you try to avoid it, no matter how nice you try to be, or pleasing you try to be, or funny you try to be, or charming you try to be, you're gonna be disliked. And that might not sound like good news. That might sound like, oh no, that's not what I want. I don't want that. But here's why it is good news. It's just so liberating. It's so liberating to not have to be liked by everybody and to just know, yes, I will be disliked. As you put yourself out there and you're authentically yourself, there are a certain number of people that are going to dislike you and some of them might like, really dislike you and not get you and think you're bad. And that's okay. And as a way to demonstrate this, I think I'm going to read something to you. And so, you know, a lot of times someone might not like you and you don't know it, you just sense it or guess it. Sometimes someone might tell you something, but when you really put yourself out there, especially on the Internet, you can find out exactly who doesn't like you and why they don't like you in exquisite detail. So this is from a recent review on Audible. My book Not Nice and it was a one star review and I think I will share it with you now to demonstrate what it's like to be disliked. Title of the review Self Absorbed Author. Author doesn't provide any real solutions, but talks about his own problems on and on. Self absorbed and narcissistic. I don't know how much longer I could stand this asshole. Talk about how great he is, how much he loves his family and how smart, beautiful his wife is and talks about how adorable his kids are. I didn't pay money to hear this fuck face brag about his family and listen to his own problems and challenges. Yet he managed to find a solution but will never share it. I feel like he wrote this book as therapy for himself, to help himself rather than to help others. I guess it's the time of self absorbed narcissistic millennials. With the advent of social media and such. If you want an audiobook with real substance to deal with real social anxiety and self confidence and insecurities, I'd look elsewhere. So why am I smiling and laughing as I read this? Is it because I'm so uncomfortable? No it's actually, I am genuinely amused, and I don't even know why I'm so amused. Something about the first sentence here. He doesn't provide any real solutions, but talks about his own problems on and on. I don't know why. I think that's just so funny. Like, to imagine writing a book where there's no solution, and it's just like. And here's another problem. I got, like, sort of the character that I'm being portrayed at. I find that character humorous or funny. Like it was a TV show and there was that character. I would laugh. I would like him. So maybe that's a sign of my own narcissism. Anyway, here's the thing. That kind of feedback, that kind of criticism, that harsh criticism would, I mean, just derail me in the past. I remember after my first book, when I got reviews like that one, I would just, like, collapse. I'd feel so bad, or I'd feel angry. I want to defend myself, or I just feel. And it would kind of make me want to not put myself out there again. And then I'd almost want to change the way I wrote my next book. Like, I better not have as many stories about myself, or I better not talk about my wife or, you know, whatever. And I'd want to adapt to. To avoid that disapproval. And now when I read it, when I see one of those reviews pop in, it's kind of like, okay, here we go. And then I read it, and part of me is amused, and part of me is affected. I do feel like, ugh. It's like a jab at me. And then what I do is I just tune in to that person, and I can just. Can you feel, like, the anger in there and the hurt and the pain, the hatred? And then I just, like, send the blast of, like, listen, I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm sorry the solution was not in this book. And that you're hurting so much, and I hope you find what you're looking for. And then I do this, like, big breath, like, and it's kind of letting it go, letting his energy go and his pain or her, I don't know, sounds like a guy and just letting it go, and it's okay. So you can do this. Someone's gonna dislike you, and you don't have to take it in. You don't have to take it on. You can just, like, take a full breath, let it go, and see that it's about them, see that it's about their pain. See that it's not. You don't need to take that on. And when you face that, that dislike, just like the way I'm describing, then you stop. It's just like any other fear. The more you face it, the more you're going to overcome it. And then you don't need to spend your life trying to avoid it. You can be like, yeah, it's inevitable. I'm going to be 100% me. And some people are not going to like me. And I want to share one other thing with you. Keep bending down for this sheet of paper. So here's one really cool thing. You know, if you were to go talk to 10 people and be fully yourself, some of them are going to like you and some are not. Now, if you're fully authentic and warm and just you, I don't know what the number is going to be. You know, it could be five, it could be seven, could be nine. I don't know, right? But there's gonna be some number of people that like you and some that don't. No matter what. The cool thing about reviews online is you can see an exact breakdown of who likes you and who doesn't. Now, maybe they don't like you. It's like, you know, whether they. They like the book or the thing that you created. But when it comes to not nice, you can see that it's like, okay, out of the reviews that we have, 77% are five stars and 12% are four stars. So that's 89% are four to five stars. And then 11% is one, two or three stars. Three percent are one star reviews. And what I love about seeing this is I feel like that's such a great lesson for how it is in life. I mean, you're never going to get these kind of metrics in life, but that means, like, we're so scared of what if someone doesn't like me? And I got to get at everyone to like me. And look, no matter what you do, there's gonna be like 3% or 5% of people that are just like, fuck that fuck face, I don't like that guy. I don't like you. And okay, that's okay. But what if 89% of people, or 90% of people or 70% of people, whatever the number is, are just gonna like you or be open to you or want to date you or want to be your friend or want to hire you or want to promote you or whatever, and so you don't need to worry so much and stress so much. Just put you out there as big as possible, as freely as possible, as transparently as possible. And then there'll be plenty. There's always going to be that one guy or gal that doesn't like you. But the rest, there's plenty in the rest. Plenty of everything you want and everything you need. So I hope this serves you on being more boldly yourself in the world. And if you liked not nice, by all means, go over there and write a positive review on Amazon or Audible. Those are always appreciated. And until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
