Your Confidence Controls The Outcome

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Welcome today's episode of the show. Today we're going to be talking about how your confidence controls the outcomes in your life. Now that might sound kind of extreme, maybe as if you have godlike powers and you can control everything around you in life or that if you just do it right, then you'll always get the outcome that you want. And I don't mean either of those things. I get it. In fact, I'm recording the audio version of my book right now, doubtless. And it is all about how ultimately we can't just have self confidence, we don't control everything. We have to have confidence in something in life, how to trust in life, to have a full, deep sense of lasting confidence. So I'm not delusional. I know we don't control everything outside of ourselves. And you control or influence way more than you think, way more than you give yourself credit for and way more than you might want to admit. Because what I'm talking about here is total ownership, taking responsibility for the results in your life. And most of us don't want to do that or will want to do that in certain areas, but not others. Because every human has a fear. Well, several core fears. One is that on some level I'm not enough. I'm not smart enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm not good enough, I'm not desirable enough, I'm not capable enough. I just some vaguely not enough. And because I'm not enough, I'm not going to be accepted and I'm not going to be loved. And we hate that. The fear, we don't want to experience that. And so we often tell ourselves stories to avoid the things that push those buttons, right? So if I go over and talk to you and you want to talk to me and I feel rejected, I feel like, oh, I wasn't enough, you don't like me. That's a very unpleasant feeling. I don't want to feel those feelings, fears. And so I'll say, oh, I'm too busy. Oh, he's stuck up. I don't even want to go try to talk to him anyway, right? Do you see how we might hide from the circumstances in our life? And yet to really create what you want in this life, we can't live in those stories. So if you really want to experience something different in your social life, in your relationships, in your. Your career, we have to be willing to go for things, to take the risk, to fail, to fall flat on our face, to get rejected. Now, what you tell yourself in your mind, the perspective you have and the level of confidence that you bring has a radical effect on what happens next. I'll tell you a little story that illustrates this perfectly. And it's so clear to see it with kids, and it. Sometimes we, you know, get hung up in our own stories. Like, no, this is really true for me. But when you see it from the outside, you're like, oh, my gosh, I see what this person is doing. Oh, maybe I'm doing that too. So the story comes from watching my son play basketball over the weekend. So it was the first he plays. He's in fifth grade. I have a son in third grade and fifth grade right now. My son, who's in fifth grade, they had their first game this Saturday. It's a pretty short season. It's with his class at his school. It's only about six weeks, I'd say, of games. And they had their first of six this last weekend. Now, my son loves basketball. You know how people are just drawn to certain sports? Maybe you're the same way. Certain things you just like to do, you want to do more of it. You're intrinsically internally motivated. No one has to make you do it. Well, he. He's that way with basketball. Wants to get out and play every day. Dad, can you play basketball with me? Can you play basketball with me? And I get out there, and we have this little concrete pad in front of our garage, and it's surrounded by these really tall old Doug fir trees. And I just absolutely love being out there. You know, it's like you're out in the woods playing basketball, and he is an animal on that court. You know, he's scrappy, pushing. You know, he's pretty. Pretty big kid. He's a little taller than my wife. He's only 11. I don't know what you weighs, like 110 pounds or something, right? He's like five. Five for. At 11 years old. So he's big, and I'm five nine. Is that right? I think I'm five nine for contrast. So he's, you know, getting. Getting closer to me, and he's kind of pushing his body against mine. He's aggressive. He goes for rebounds. He dribbles and does jukes, does the whole thing, right? And then we get to the practice, and then eventually the game. He only had one practice before the game, and it's like watching a different kid out there. It's a different person. He is. His shoulders are slumped, his head is down. When he was running, he wasn't even, like, pumping his arms. When he ran, his arms were kind of, like, down by his sides almost, if you saw the movie Napoleon Dynamite kind of like that. And not taking any shots, not trying to get open, almost like in kind of zombie mode. And so I'm sitting there watching the game, and I'm like, okay, something's going on right now, right? And it's clear that he's afraid, right? His body is just screaming fear, hesitation. He's actually, like, wringing his hands in between plays unconsciously. Like, body language is telegraphing as a friend, right? And so there's a little break during the halftime, and I just, you know, hop onto the court and ask him, like, hey, bud, how's it going? He's got, like, these fighting back tears, and he's like, it's not even fun. It's not even fun. I was like, okay, you're. You're not having fun. You know, I'm curious. What. What are you experiencing? I don't know. I don't even want to play. I don't even want to play. I just want to. Want to have fun, right? So I was like, okay, it seems like something really challenging is happening for you, like, maybe. Seems like maybe you're afraid. Or are you worried about taking a shot and missing it? Because he took. He taken one shot in the first half and missed it. And then maybe. I thought he was shutting down from that. He's like, I don't know. I. I don't even. He couldn't. He couldn't talk to me about it, right? And so I was like, all right, I'm just going to let him, you know, play up the game, and we'll talk more about it on. On the way home. So finishes the game in the last quarter. He's hustling harder, which was nice to see, but, you know, still nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Like the kid I see on the court at home. And I wonder in your Life. If there's a version of you that shows up in one context, maybe you're playful, you're expressive, you're outgoing, you're loud with friends, with family, with people that you love. And then when you're in a different environment, you know, at work or with people you don't know that well, or on a date or someone you want to impress or whatever the circumstance is, boom. You're, like, tight and rigid and quiet, and you're in that fear state. Now, when we're in that fear state, we are less focused on winning, on victory, on getting what we want, on creating the connection, on going for something, on making a difference, having an impact. Whatever it is you want to do in that situation, whether it's personal, professional sports, we're less focused on that and more focused on self protection. Don't mess it up. Don't get judged. Don't fail. Don't eff it up. Now what does that do? Puts you in a fear state. Put you in a hesitancy mode and has you start to shut down. And this example on the basketball court is an extreme example of shutting down. But you might know exactly what I'm talking about. I mean, maybe you're not fighting back tears on the outside, but inside it feels like that you're overwhelmed. You just want to cry, you just want to get out of there. You want to leave, you want to flee. So we're driving home, and he is just so upset. He's so angry, and he's, like, picking a fight with his brother, and he's not saying anything about basketball, right? He's angry about this, and his brother did that. And, you know, and his brother, who's nine, is like. We're like, hey, just. Just. He's upset, you know, don't. Don't take the bait. Don't say anything back. But he, you know, he can't help himself. So he says something back. Then they're scrapping in the back seat, and I'm the dad. He's like, all right, kids, I'm gonna pull over. No fighting back there. You know, Know. Stop it. Right? So it's getting crazy. We get home and he starts crying. He's angry and he's crying, and they're all standing around the kitchen eating some food. And he's just saying, no one passes to me. No one passes to me. Now, the other day after the practice, he said something similar. And I tried to lead with some guiding questions, and he was very resistant to it. So I just. I just kind of stuck with empathy after that first practice, like, ah, it seems frustrating, like, no one's going to pass to you, right? Kind of just being with him in that experience. But this time I was like, man, if I'm just with him in that experience, I think he'll just stay in this. Like, this is so entrenched. And I was like, I think I need some. Some just honesty here. Not tough love in the sense like, you know, listen, you little worm. But just honesty. And he said, no one even passes to me. And I said, no one's passing to you because your body is screaming, don't pass to me. He's like, what? No, it's not. No, it's not. I was like, well, you could say it's not, but it's very clear to me that it is. And I bet you it's clear to all the other kids on the court, too. I just don't think, you know, that you're doing it consciously, but unconsciously, your body is screaming, don't pass to me. In fact, I think you got one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. Part of you wants to play basketball. You want to get the ball, you want to shoot it. See how you play on the court at home. And the other part of you is saying, don't pass me the ball because I don't want to miss. I don't want to make a mistake. It's not okay to miss a shot. So I just laid it out there, you know, I figured he could push against that or deny that or challenge me on that, but at least we're not just dancing around the subject. And then the conversation continued. And my wife brought in some things, and each time he pushed back and say, well, there's nothing I can do about it. Like, yeah, you know, sometimes it seems like it's hopeless, right? You just. You don't. If you're in a situation where someone is like, it's hopeless, and no one. And you're like, no, let me. Let me give you advice on how to help you. And they're like, no, you can't. Nothing can I work? Dude, you're just wasting your breath. You could do that for hours, days, years. Some people spend their whole. They go to therapy and their therapist fights with them and tries to help them see, like, no, you're a great person and you could do it. No, I can't. I'm a. I'm a piece of crap. No, you can do it. No, I can't. Right? And you're just like this tug of war forever. And they say I'm a piece of crap. You're like, wow, seems like you feel hopeless right now, like there's nothing you can do. No solution here. I'm not gonna give you a solution. It's not gonna work for you. So we gotta be with them until they say, you know what? All right, fine, fine. There's something I can do. And that's exactly what he did. He's like, no, there's something I could do. Right? And what I was highlighting for him, I'm going to highlight for you, is so what he was not willing to admit on the court, but when he got home and he calmed down a little bit, he was able to say, yeah, it's not okay to miss a shot. If I miss a shot, no one's ever gonna pass to me. I said, that is a really high pressure way to play, buddy. Oh, my God, I'd be so stressed if that's how I was playing. And, you know, the strange thing is that's not the culture of the team that he's playing. I mean, this isn't, like, hyper competitive. This is just like, you know, they're not in a traveling team or anything. It's just, you know, school basketball. In fact, the coach is awesome. And when kids miss shots, which they do all the time, in fact, I highlighted them. He didn't even see that. I said, you know, there's this one kid who is really fast, would always steal the ball, sprint down the court on a breakaway, shoot a layup, and miss it. I said, I saw him six times in a row miss the breakaway layup. He kept on getting them, and he kept on missing them. And you know what the coach said after every time kids would miss shots, he'd say, keep shooting. Great job. Keep shooting. I was like, why do you think he. Why do you think he says that to the kids? He's like, I don't know. I was like, well, if you did know, what do you think it is? And he's like, well, I guess because he wants him to keep going, right? So I was trying to help him see that the environment is actually encouraging now. There's the outer environment, and the inner environment, and the outer environment might be encouraging, but his inner environment is anything but. And that's probably the case for you. And this is how your confidence controls the outcome. So inside. And I've introduced this to my kids as, you know, their inner critic. I call them poopy coach. Right? Because I introduced this when they were like, you know, three and five years old. So I was like, you know, that's poopy coach. Poopy coach is focusing on the shots you miss. If you miss, this terrible thing's going to happen. None of the kids are going to like you. No one's going to want to pass to you. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. And so his coach is saying, hey, keep shooting. And inside poopie coach is like f, no, don't listen to that guy. You listen to me. And so if poopy coach is running the show and I'm not just talking about my son here, I'm talking about for you and you are in that state of fear and self preservation mode, your outcomes are going to. Well, there's a technical term in psychology for this. They're going to suck. That's what it is, right? Just like his experience of the game is going to suck. He's not going to take any shots. If he takes shots, he's probably going to miss him because he's in a fearful state. He's going to be hesitant, he's going to be slow to take a shot, so it's more likely to get blocked. He's not going to be strong and active on defense or really go for the ball or be scrappy like he is on our home court, which you want to be. You want to be aggressive, you want to go for it in life. He's not going to do any of those things. He's going to be this frozen, paralyzed version of himself. That's exactly what you might be experiencing because of that inner poopy coach. And that's exactly what I experienced for years when I lived in social anxiety. It's a life of hesitation and waiting and I'm not enough and oh, it's not going to be possible. And oh, I suck and I can't. And it seems so real. And then you get the outcome that proves that it's real. Because when I lived in that poopy coach state, women would not even look at me. And my dating life was miserable. And if I did try to talk to someone, maybe on a rare occasion, I'd work up the courage to get a phone number or something and then she wouldn't be interested. She'd let her not call me back or not text me back or just not be available. And it reinforced this story. Oh, God, I guess I suck. You know that's right. Just like he's doing. Just like you might be doing. And this isn't about me, this is about him. This isn't about You. This is. This is about a pattern that we all can do that's not unique to you. This is what humans do when that inner critic is running the show. And it's all about protection. It's all about, I don't want to fail because you have this distorted idea that failure is not okay. And so I said, okay, that's what poopy coach is saying. But remember, remember Poochie co. Poochie coach. That's a poochie. Poopy coach's less intimidating brother. Poochie coach. When poopy coach is running the show, you're going to feel miserable. What is he focusing on? He's focusing on when you're failing or you're not enough. And I was like, what else can you focus on? And he was like this long pause because at this point, he was starting to get. And he said, I guess I could focus on what I did. Well, I was like, yeah, like what? He's like, well, I was really. I was good on defense. They did have him guard, like, the tallest guy on the other team because he was. He's very tall, and he, like, shut the guy down. Like, he was all over him. And the guy. They didn't pass to the guy very much. I was getting frustrated. He's like, yeah, I was really good at defense. I was like, yeah, you were. And he's like, wow. And he saw something that he literally hadn't seen before because that information had been deleted by, you guessed it, Poopy coach. And so you are probably deleting information. And the crazy thing is, in the hypnosis of that inner critic, you don't think that you are. In fact, you say, no, I'm not, but you are. Right? And so we want to see this, and we want to start to choose something different. Because when he goes to my goal for him this season, I don't care, you know, how many points he scores. I don't. He's not going to be, like, a superstar of the team. I mean, he might be. That's great. But I'm not. That's what I'm not gunning for. No, this is. This is the exact medicine he needs to learn about himself and confidence. That's my game here. It's not about basketball. Basketball's a fun game. You know, no one's going pro in our household. It doesn't seem right. But if he wants to play, he loves the sport. Maybe wants to play in high school when he wants to play more, maybe wants to get really into it. But he's not gonna be able to experience the sport if he's in his head and has this critic running the show. Right? So my goal here, to really set him up, to have this as an opportunity in life, to play this sport in any other, really, is to learn how to be on his own side. And, you know, it's. It's a little easier if someone's coming to me and saying, okay, Aziz, all the, you know, you be my coach. I'll take your programs. Let's go. I mean, he's not. He's not. So I have to be a little more skillful and, you know, try to try to find creative ways to help guide him, because he's not seeking me out for help in the same way. And though, man, so much will change. So my vision for him, just like my vision is for you, but the vision is to transform what he's focusing on and really see what he's doing well, and then also that the biggest shift is it's okay to miss a shot. And so the one thing I was suggesting, I was like, hey, the next game, it's like, how many shots did you take this game? He took three. I think it was two or three, and he missed them. And I said, well, instead of like, setting a goal of, I need to make points, I need to make baskets. Next. Next game, how about you try to double the number of shots you take? I don't care if zero of them go in. Can you take six shots? Because from my perspective, more shooting equals ultimately more points, but equals more confidence. And we're only talking about little kids in basketball here, right? Maybe not. Let's talk about your action step. Time for action, action, action. Your action step for today, for this week. Take more shots. Right, because your confidence controls the outcome. Do you think he's gonna make more points in future games if he takes more shots? Absolutely. And he's gonna realize that missing shots doesn't kill him. It's not the end of the world. And I wonder what the shots are that you want to take in your life this week. The risks, the no's or the potential nos you might get? What can you do? What can you practice this week? And then what are you going to focus on? How are you going to talk to yourself in your head? Are you going to wrestle control from poopie coach who's going to guide you inside of there? And if you want some specific guidance on this, I highly recommend my book, which you. A lot of people haven't read this one. They read the more popular ones. Like not nice, but this one is phenomenal for this it's called 100 wins in 100 days. If you haven't checked that one out, you can find it on Amazon or Audible. But it really guides you in this process on how to guide your focus through wins to have more energy, more confidence, and ultimately more success and results in your life. So thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again. May have the courage to be who you are, to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the Shy Guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com.