Your Dating Destiny

Are you in charge of your dating life? Do you have a sense of direction, of control? Or do you feel like you're adrift in the ocean, being guided by the currents and the winds and feeling lost and helpless? I personally have been both places in my life. Let me ask you a question. What if you could create a sense of power and certainty in yourself, a feeling of knowing that you can go out there and meet women anytime you want? Ultimately, a sense that you are the one who is deciding your own dating destiny. Join me for today's show to find out how.

Coming to you from the center for Social Confidence in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to Shrink for the Shy guy, helping men everywhere go from social anxiety to social domination. With your host, Dr. Aziz.

Welcome to today's show. Today is the time of year that you probably hate if you're single because it's Valentine's Day. And I never put too much stock into a lot of holidays, especially Valentine's Day. I personally grew up with my mom saying that holiday was just created to sell, you know, cards, Hallmark cards. And so I never really put too much stock into it. Although now that I am with my lady, Candice, my wife, she's taught me how to appreciate that sort of thing and actually make them special. But for much of my life, I was single on Valentine's Day. And even though I thought to myself, oh, it's just a holiday made up to sell cards, it still affected me. You know, you'd see it in TV or people would talk about it or just it would be in the world around you, and it would just be this little reminder that I didn't have anyone that I was going on a date with. I didn't have anyone that I was in a relationship with. And that can be fine. You know, let's say if I was dating a number of people and I was in between relationships, but that wasn't my experience. No, my experience is I'm not dating anyone right now, and I kind of never really am because I'm a weird loser. And that was my experience around Valentine's Day. It would bring up this realization of I'm not really where I want to be in my dating life. And most importantly, I don't even feel that good about myself. I don't really know how to meet women or date women. And the whole thing is a mystery, and I suck at it. And I'm not very good. And just this whole ball of pain and shame, whether I'd be in classes or at work, I'd just be hearing Other people talking about what they were doing or what was going on for their dating life for their Valentine's Day. And I would just be so uncomfortable. I remember one time, one job I was at, and there were several people that were maybe a little bit older than I was. I was probably 19, 20, and they were maybe 30, 35, and they were talking, and one of the women turned towards me, and she's like, aziz, what do you think? What's it like to be dating? What's dating like these days for someone your age? And I remember feeling so fucking uncomfortable. I was just like, oh, my God, don't look at me. Because I felt this so much shame about it that I felt like people could just see right through me. And I didn't want to reveal. I don't really date. I've never really dated much, and I'm a virgin, and I don't know what's going on. God, who wants to say that, right? There's so much shame in our culture, especially for men, about, dude, you're supposed to lose your virginity when you're nine years old, like a real man or something. So if you're a. What was I, 18, 19? And, oh, God, I can't even get into the story of how I lost my virginity. It was terrible. It was like an attempt to just claim something as a man. It was awful. But anyway, so this woman asked me this question, and I'm just like, yeah, well, you know, statin's pretty. Pretty tough these days. I don't even know what I said. Some weird, vague answer and then change the subject as quick as possible. And so that's just to paint a picture of where I'm at, and the reason I'm doing this is to. Maybe you're at that place right now yourself. Maybe you're listening to me and being like, oh, my God, that's me. Get out of my head, man. And I'm doing that to show that I've been there, and I know the pain and the discomfort of that. And one of the biggest parts of the pain around that is not the loneliness. It's not the wanting to connect, but not having someone to be with, to touch, to talk to, to make love with. It's not that. I mean, that's painful enough, right? The real pain, though, for me, and it might be for you, too, if you're in this place, is there's nothing I can do about it. Just sort of this, like, as I said in the intro, like, feeling like you're adrift in the Current of the ocean. And I have no rudder. I got no motor, I got no oars. I'm just going to kind of float around here and hope that the wind blows me into an island. In this case, the island could be a conversation with a woman or a relationship, right? Or a date. You just got to kind of hope that the seas work in your favor and bring you there. And, you know, a really stark example of this. I remember my freshman year of college, I was going to UC Santa Barbara, and there was a dorm, and the dorm was. You walk up to the stairs to the second floor where our floor was, and you turn to the right, and it's all the men. There's 50 men on the floor. You turn to the left and goes down the hallway, and it's all the women. 50 women on the floor. And I remember there was a woman who was on my floor. I occasionally, once in a while, see her exiting the building or walking down the stairs at the same time as me. And I thought she was really beautiful. I thought she was just. Something about the way she moved. Her hair, her eyes. I was like, wow, you know, she's. She's purdy. And I wanted to go talk to her. Come on, go talk to her. That's just crazy. How could I do that? So I have these memories of, like, being. I remember one time I was in the. What's the name of it? The cafeteria where you're getting all your food. And the dlg, they called it. I don't even remember the day. Lagera. That was the name of it in Santa Barbara. It was in the Daegara. And I saw her, and she was alone. She was like, I don't know, putting some jam on a bagel or something. And I was like, wow, there she is. Now's my chance. And I still remember it to this day of just looking at her, and there was this sense of like, there's no way I'm going to go talk to her. It was just so outside of my realm of possibility. I didn't even know how to do it. And I just. Even as I'm talking, I'm like, ugh. Hurts. It feels so painful to go back to that place. And it wasn't that I was just so lonely. It was that powerlessness, that feeling of being totally adrift, totally out of control, totally waiting for something to happen in my life. And if you're in that place now, if I'm stirring up some pain for you right now, then good. You know, there's a great Line, a great speech. And have you seen the movie the Wolf of Wall street about Jordan Belfort, the Wall street guy who did a lot of high pressure boiler room sales and made a bunch of money and kind of ripped a bunch of people off. He's since, of course, made amends and gone on to be a self help guru, which is interesting. Anyway, the movie's got Leonardo DiCaprio, who's awesome, and he makes this speech and if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about, where he's trying to pump up his crew to go make a bunch of sales of a certain stock of Steve Madden stock. It's a shoe company and he's trying to pump them up. And it's awesome. Go look it up on YouTube. Type in like. In fact, I'll put a link for it below in the show notes his speech and one thing he's saying, he's like, if you're struggling to pay your rent and you need money, good, pick up the phone. If your girlfriend thinks you're a pathetic loser, good, pick up the phone. And he just gets more and more intense with it, right? And it's kind of. That's exactly what I want for you right now is like, if you're feeling pain at what I'm talking about, about the sense of powerlessness and frustration and I'm not good enough and I can't do this and you're stuck and it hurts to hear me talk about this. Good, because that is what's going to motivate you, my friend, to grow that dissatisfaction, that frustration, that hurt. Don't shy away from it. Don't say, ah, forget about it. That's what I did for years. You know how I dealt with it? I'm just going to smoke some pot and play some video games. And you can only do that for so long. Well, you can do that for your whole life. I mean, some people do. But in my opinion, if you want to live this one life that we know for certain, that we got to the fullest, then you can only do that for so long because time is passing you by and you must take charge of your life, of your dating destiny. And when I get back from a quick break here, I'm going to teach you exactly how to do that. We're going to go over what stories are getting in the way that are stopping you, how to break through them and start getting out into the world, testing them out and seeing how you can really break free in your own life now. So stay tuned. We'll be right back after this.

She probably has a boyfriend. She's out of my league. I'd only bother her if I tried to talk with her. Why would she go out with me? I'll only mess it up if I try. Does any of this sound familiar? These are the exact thoughts that are stopping you from creating outstanding and fun dates and relationships with amazing women. Ready to break free? Go to 30daystodatingmastery.com to get a free copy of Dr. Uzi's eBook, 7 Ways to Start Conversations With Women Anytime, Anywhere and Start Meeting women today.

Welcome back. So what is keeping you stuck in your dating life right now? What are you doing in your own mind that's stopping you, that's blocking you from having a sense of freedom, of power, of choice, of confidence? You might say, well, there's plenty of reasons why I'm not confident. Because I'm a loser, because I'm this, because I'm that. Whatever you're saying right now is the story that you have about why you can't be confident. And I know this well because I had a bunch myself. And if you come across any of my stuff on YouTube or got any of my programs, I mention some of these stories. But it's worth repeating because we can all relate to them, right? We think that confidence comes from the outside. So for me, I looked in the mirror and I said, it's my appearance. That's why I'm not confident. That's why women won't want to talk to me. Specifically, it's my eyes. The pigmentation around my eyes is gross, is disgusting. I learned from magazines when I was in middle school that you don't want pigmentation around your eyes. You don't want your eyes to be dark in any way. There's products to fix that. I'm ugly. That was the conclusion I came to in middle school, and I stuck with it for many, many years. And that was my story, my eyes. And also, I'm not physically strong enough. I'm not big enough. I'm not muscular enough. A lot of guys, oh my God, so many guys have this one. You might have this one. I mean, it's like, oh, I'm not muscular enough. I was just talking with a client about this recently, and he said that he couldn't talk to women in the gym because he felt like if he were to interact with a woman in the gym, she'd kind of look at him and say, why am I wasting my time talking to you when that guy over there is like, 208 pounds of pure muscle and can bench 4,000 pounds. Like, why am I even wasting my time with you, worm? And I kind of laugh because it's so absurd, but he was really stuck in it. And I was really stuck in it, too, because we have this idea. It's like, look, I'm not muscular enough. My abs aren't defined enough. I have love handles. Whatever. I'm too short, I'm too skinny. I'm too tall. I'm too fat. That's why I'm not confident. And so therefore, I'm not going to go talk to her. I'm going to avoid her. I'm going to not interact with women because they're going to reject me because of this horrible flaw. Is this ringing any bells? Does this sound awfully familiar? That's what I told myself for years. And that's why I never met that woman in my hall, in college, on my dorm. That's why I spent years of my life stuck and lonely and feeling powerless. It had nothing to do with the women. It had nothing to do with my actual likelihood of success of creating relationships. It was 100% in my mind. It was a story. And the same is true for you right now, my friend. There's a story that you're telling yourself as to why you can't meet women, why they're going to reject you, why you're not good enough. And that's just. It's on repeat. It's like a trance. We put ourselves into this hypnosis, this trance by repetition. My eyes are ugly. I'm not good enough. My eyes are ugly. And we just keep repeating it, repeating it, repeating it, repeating it, repeating it. Eventually, it just feels true because we heard it so many damn times. But guess what? It's not true. It is not true. Not true. Now you might be raising your hackles right now. Wait a minute, Aziz. Listen. I really am missing my left foot, okay? And that makes me weird and less. More awkward than other guys. And women aren't going to like a guy with no left foot, huh? Right? And you're maybe challenging me on your story. No, it's really true, Aziz. And let me say this. The facts of your story might be accurate, and yet your story is still false. Here's why. Because I do have darker pigmentation around my eyes than the average white Caucasian person. That is a fact. I am not as muscular as my buddy Chris was in high school. That is a fact. Those are the facts. Let's just acknowledge the facts. Maybe you don't have a left foot. Right now you got a prosthetic, which are getting more and more amazing. By the way, saw a video of a guy on these crazy mechanical things running. It was awesome. But I digress. Maybe the facts are true, but the conclusion is false. And the conclusion is always, therefore, I'm not good enough and women won't like me. And we kind of sneak that conclusion in, right? It's like, look at the facts. It's like imagine a prosecutor, and he knows that he's got a weak case. He knows that the guy's innocent, but he really wants to improve his record. You know, he can't lose another case. So he's going to come in there and he's going to present the material to the jury in a way that's going to convince them that this, you know, guy's guilty, the defendant's guilty, even though he's not, and the prosecutor knows it. So what's he gonna do? He's gonna say, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let's all focus on this one fact over here. Look at this fact. He was in the neighborhood the night of the murder. Everyone look at that fact. And therefore, he's guilty. You kind of sneak it in. You just imply it. And that's what you're doing to yourself right now. Look at the fact. I don't have a left foot, therefore I'm not attractive. Women won't like me. Not attractive. Women won't like me. Just sneak it in. I'm not attractive, and women won't like me. But that conclusion is false. Absolutely. 100%, 1,000% false. And the only thing that's keeping you from seeing that is the story and the avoidance that comes from the story, right? Because we're like, I didn't go talk to that woman in the dorm. So I never found out what the truth was. And so, as a result, my story could remain true. And that's how we keep ourselves stuck in the story, right? It's like, well, I didn't do it, so therefore, obviously, it never would have worked out anyway. It's a closed loop. I know she's not going to like me. I don't go talk to her, and then I never get any results. And so I further conclude that women don't like me because I'm not getting any results. Is that making sense? Do you see the insanity of this? Do you see the absurdity of this? Do you see how this is going to keep you stuck for the rest of your life? And believe me, I have Met people that are in their 40s or in their 50s that are stuck. They're either single or they got into one relationship when they were 22 years old with a woman they didn't really even like or that was mean or abusive to them. But they just. That's what they could get. And now they have a family and they want a divorce and they're in bad shape all because they believe this story. And so I hope I'm jarring you, I'm shaking you a little bit because we have to wake up out of this trance and we have to start testing out what really happens. We have to be real. We have to look at reality and not live in this fantasy world of this fear that's really just designed to keep us safe, right? We just don't want to get rejected. So we come up with this elaborate plot to not get rejected. But guess what? That safety is killing you. It's strangling you. Strangling the life force right out of you. The purpose of life is not to be safe 1000% of the time, to feel safe. You want to feel safe, live in a bunker and wait for the world to crumble around you. Safe in your bunker. You're not interacting with the world. You're totally isolated, alone, miserable. But at least I'm safe, damn it. So let's break out of that. How can we do that? In fact, we're going to take a little break right now, and when we get back, I'm going to teach you how to break free of that, how to start shifting these stories, letting go of this bullshit, and just getting out there and seeing what really happens. So stay tuned. We'll be back right after this.

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So how do you take charge of your dating destiny? How do you take charge? The first thing you must do is realize I am not an effect in the world. I am a cause. I am not controlled entirely by the winds and the currents. I have an oar. I have a rudder. I have a map. I have a steering wheel. And I am going to guide my boat to the island that I Want. I am in charge now. Of course, there are currents, there are winds. I can't predict what every single woman is going to do. I can't control the that one particular woman to want me. No. So those are the winds, those are the currents, those are the unknowns and unpredictable elements of life. That's what makes it fun and exciting, right? But I can still choose the ultimate destiny. Whether that's an outstanding relationship, fun dating experiences, a wife, a family, whatever it is, whatever the ultimate outcome of your dating destiny would be. That island that you want to go to, that tropical paradise that you can control. Getting there, my friend, you just steer your ship towards it. And what you have to do is you have to move into the reality, move into the interactions. Stop avoiding them, stop avoiding women, stop avoiding women you're attracted to. Oh my God. A nickel for every time I saw a woman I was attracted to. And then I pretended like I didn't notice her because I thought, well, she's going to think I'm real cool, like I don't even care. And guess what? She never even noticed me and I never talked to her. So that doesn't work. Drop it. Drop the act. Just experiment. What really happens when I go talk to that woman? What really happens? Does it go well? Does it go poorly? Does she laugh? Does she not want to talk to me? How do I handle it? Do I get really nervous? Do I stumble over my words? Do I stand there awkwardly? Right? Who knows? Let's find out. Let's find out. Because guess what? The first time you go up and talk to a woman, you're probably going to go down in flames. And the second time you talk to a woman, you're probably going to go down in flames. I tell stories about this in my program, 30 days to dating Mastery. I mean, if you really want to take charge of your dating destiny, you want to go much deeper than this episode. Check out 30 Days to Dating Mastery. My program, 30 Days to datingmastery.com you will learn step by step all of this stuff. How to change your self esteem, how to see yourself differently, how to know your strengths and your value with women. Then how to interact with people. How to be more comfortable just starting conversations and let go of embarrassment, free yourself from that fear of rejection and get out there and start talking to specifically women. And you work your way up step by step so you're not jumping into the deep end. Like tomorrow, go out and talk to five beautiful women. I mean, that could be overwhelming. So we do step by step. It's a gradual exposure model and it's getting phenomenal feedback. So check that out if you want to go deeper. But I talk about in that program is my experiences of the first few times I tried to talk to women. It went down in flames. Oh my God, they were just so embarrassing. Just her looking at me like, who is this guy? And I was sounding so nervous and shifty eyed and sweating out my armpits. My forehead was probably sweating. It was a mess. But guess what? I didn't die. I did not die. I survived. And sure I was a little uncomfortable and at that time I didn't have much self compassion. So I beat the crap out of myself. But in 30 days to dating Mastery, I also and from this podcast, you learn a lot more about self compassion. So you got to treat yourself with kindness along the way. Learn how to handle the rejection with kindness, with mercy, with forgiveness. You don't want to treat yourself like kicking a dog or something. Just be like, hey, man, that sucked. That was pretty awkward. Call up a friend, talk about it, laugh about it. And then guess what? Get back out there and see what happens again. Because then that's how you get better. That's how you get more comfortable. That's how you get more at ease. Not by getting it all perfect in your head or watching some pickup artist program that tells you the 43 texts to send her so she'll sleep with you without ever having to look her in the eye. I mean, it's absurd, but that's what we want, right? Because that safety driven part of you is like, ooh, I can get laid without any risk whatsoever. And guess what? It's a fantasy. It's a lie. It's marketing. The reality is you got to get out there and you got to test it. Now you can get better. You can learn strategies to improve your chances. That's what I teach in the 30 days program. But no amount of strategy is going to help you unless you start getting out there and talking about to women after woman after woman. Start small. Start small. Start by walking down the street. And when you see a woman that you're attracted to, just saying hey as you walk by, how's it going? Hey. She probably won't respond to you. Oftentimes women don't respond in that situation. Sometimes they do, but don't expect it. She might have her big dark sunglasses on and walking fast. That's okay. It's not about the responses.

It's.

It's about practice. It's about getting comfortable and then working your Way up. There's so many ways. I can't get into all that now because we have limited time, but you got to work your way up. The key is to test it out and see what really happens. And when you do, you'll realize, dude, the stories didn't matter at all. I dated many, many amazing, intelligent, beautiful women, and my eyes didn't change. I didn't get skin grafts to cover up a certain pigmentation. I have a beautiful, amazing wife right now. The most amazing woman I could find that I chose out of all the women that I was dating. I was the selector and I chose the most amazing fit for me, and it's incredible. And my eyes didn't change. I'm in good shape physically. I take care of my body, but I'm not muscular. Buff, dude, I didn't gain 30 pounds of muscle. I still have skinny legs, right? And so this stuff doesn't matter. And I have so many women that I've interacted with. And the same can be true for you. And person after person I've talked to and I've worked with directly or that I've heard feedback from 30 days to dating Mastery. They realize that it doesn't affect them in any way to have these flaws or these shortcomings. It's just their story. In fact, it's time for you to break out of your story. Which brings us to your action stuff. Time for action. Today's action step is short and simple. Go out there and do it.

Hey, hey.

Do it. Do it. Go talk to a woman. Just one. Go talk to one woman today. Even if it's just, hey, what time is it? Ask her what time it is. If you're terrified to talk to a woman, just get out there and do it. Hey, do it. Jump. Take the leap. Find out what really happens and you will see that you're going to learn from it. And whatever happens, view it as a process. This is what I talk about. 30 days to dating Mastery. You'll see. I talk about it as a process where you are going to go step by step. You want to look at each individual interaction with a woman as the end all, be all. No, you have interactions to burn. You're just practicing. It's okay. If this one doesn't respond to you, there'll be another opportunity. And if you really want to get more comfortable talking to women, I want to offer you a free gift. If you go to 30daystodatingmastery.com that's the number. 30daystodatingmastery dot com and then enter your email there. I'm going to send you a free copy of my eBook, 7 Ways to Start Conversations with Women anywhere, anytime. So go there and get that. Now. This will help you with your action step for today. It'll give you just a bunch of simple ideas and the feedback I've gotten. I was talking to one guy who got dating 30 days to dating Mastery recently and he said, you know, there's so much pickup artist stuff out there. So I got your free ebook there and I started reading it and I was like, who is this guy? These are like basic, obvious, simple ways to start conversations. They're normal, they're casual. It's about working on myself and my own confidence. And it's not about some weird script to seduce her. And that was awesome feedback because that's exactly my intention is to help you be a real, normal person. You know, most guys don't want to become the next world's greatest pickup artist. They just want to be comfortable talking to women, meet some awesome women, have some great dates, find a great girlfriend, have a wife, have a family. I mean, just be a normal person. And that's exactly what that ebook will help you do. So go get your copy now at 30days to datingmastery.com and that about brings us to the end of our show today and to circle it back around to the beginning Valentine's Day. And just go easy on yourself. Don't attack yourself, don't criticize yourself. Don't say I'm a loser. If there's dissatisfaction, if there's frustration, if there's pain, good. Use it. Get that ebook, get out there and talk to women. Start practicing, start working on yourself, working on your self esteem. You can improve this area. I am living proof of that. Everything I've shared in this podcast is 100% true. It's not increased for dramatic effect. Those are my real experiences and then my life completely shifted. I've worked with people, hundreds of people, face to face, and seen the same results. Thousands of people through these programs and seen the results. The same can be true for you. So use that frustration to take action. Don't criticize yourself. Attacking yourself does not bring you closer to your goals, to your dreams, to your ultimate potential. So have that compassion for yourself, turn that frustration into fuel and take charge of your dating destiny. I've enjoyed spending the time with you today and I look forward to speaking with you next week. And until we talk again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you're awesome.

Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free blogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to social confidencecenter.com.