Your Personal Confidence Goldmine

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools, tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome. Today's episode of the show. Today, I'm gonna be talking about something that I think can be really helpful in grounding and centering and strengthening you when you're facing something that's scary or hard or difficult or maybe even just the anxiety you might feel in your daily experience of showing up at work or expressing yourself or putting yourself out there in some way, which I know if you're listening to this show, you want to do more of, right? You want to be more expressive, more free to be you in the world. So I'm really excited to share this with you. Just a heads up, I do have a little bit of a cold going on, so if you hear something in my voice, that's what's going on. But the show must go on, and I'm here with you. So even though my voice may be a little bit altered, I am fully here and fully excited to share this with you because this is extremely liberating. And what is the this? I'm going to cut right to it. Then we're going to explore how to do it. Basically, a lot of our anxiety doesn't just come from the circumstance, right? We might think it is, oh, I'm scared because I have a date with this person, or I'm scared because of this work situation, or I'm scared because of uncertainty, or I don't know if this business thing is going to go the way I want, or I'm scared about money, Right? We focus on the thing. And yes, we might be focused on the thing and then be scared as we do that. But really what creates the fear is a disconnection from yourself and your strength and your own capacity and ultimately your own authenticity and who you really are. Now, another way to say that is the more you can be fully you connected to yourself. Not just like your. Your feelings, but I mean, connected to your essence and who you really are and the strength that comes from that you have now radically increased your confidence and your resilience to handle whatever life brings you. And that not only makes you much more adaptive and effective in the world, it also reduces your fear and anxiety. And so it might be the exact same circumstance. I'm gonna go on that date. I'm gonna go to this interview thing. I got this money situation, whatever. All those circumstances I just mentioned, nothing can change out there, but everything's different because you're different. And I don't mean you're different because you're radically more perfect, and you've solved, you know, all your quirks and neuroses. Good luck. We might have a lot of those for our lives. That's okay. You don't need to be perfect, but you need to be connected to who you are in yourself. And I'm gonna make this very practical and not vague, like, be yourself, man, that can be, you know, inspiring, frustrating. So we're gonna get real granular and specific and give you guidance on how to navigate the challenges in your life. So are you excited? I'm excited. I find this extremely liberating, and so I'm excited to share with you. And I was just talking about this with a client yesterday. Extremely valuable for him, but honestly, I left the session, I was like, ooh, that was a good reminders for me. Right, so this is valuable. Perspectives, medicine, insights, Losing the voice there. Still going. Still going strong. It's valuable for all of us. And reinforcing. This is going to be really helpful, too. So you might want to come back and listen this episode in the future. Perhaps I'll have another version of it where I don't sound like I'm dying and there's like, 5,000 frogs in my throat. Okay, what specifically do we do to become this more authentic version of you that's more capable, resilient, strong? Well, you. The things that you want to go create in your life, the things that you're scared of, everything out there actually comes back to what's important for you. So two people can be both pursuing the same goal, right? The advancement at work, but it's very different. What might be driving them, what. What's important to them. And what's important is what you value. What you value is another way of saying what's important to you, what's meaningful to you. And what's meaningful or important to you. What you value is a key part of who you are. In fact, you might say it's more of who you really are than a lot of things. Certainly Than your surroundings, your house, your car, those things change. You could move, you could sell the car, even some of your relationships, those change too, right? But what you value tends to remain pretty consistent for much of your life. They can slowly tweak over time. We could have life experiences that change them some, but there's not a whole lot of radical change there. Whereas you could be living in an entirely different country in another couple years, right? So that your circumstances around you could radically change. But your values, who you are, can be really consistent in that way. And it's maybe even more steady than your appearance, right? Because maybe you got a lot of hair now, but. But look out what's coming for you. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here. In any case, I look at my son, by the way, he's like 11, he's got these big, he's got this thick head of hair. Sometimes I'll like pet his hair, be like, give me your hair, son. And he's like, get away from me, dad. Right? So in case you don't know, you haven't seen me, I'm. I'm pretty bald up top these days. More is coming. Not more hair, more balding. Anyway, so that can change, right? Our appearance can change, physical things can change. We can gain abilities, lose abilities. So what's solid? Well, you're, you know, the Buddhist might say there is no self, nothing solid. But your values are pretty darn consistent. So there's something to ground in or anchor in in a world that maybe is not totally solid underneath at all anyway. It's all just, you know, energetic molecules bouncing around. But values are a really solid anchor point. So what does that mean? Let's go back to that example as two people are pursuing advancement at work. Alright? We got Bob and Tina, all American, Anglo names. I like it. Right, Bob? Bob is pursuing career advancement because he's got a family. He's got mouths to feed, he's got four kids. Why'd you have so many kids, Bob? Anyway, Bob's got four kids and he's working, he wants, he's like, oh my gosh, I want to pay for everything. I want to be able to, you know, give my kids education opportunities. I want to be able to take some vacations with them while they're still young so we can have, you know, family experiences. Those are so meaningful to me when I was young. I want to provide for my family and if I advance myself at work, I can have more opportunities, I can earn more money. Maybe if I get far enough in work I can make more money and have a little bit more freedom of my schedule so I can be with my family and go places and make sure my kids get educated and are safe in the world and can pursue their own dreams and goals. Way to go, Bob being a stand up dad. So when you hear that, what is motivating Bob, what does Bob value? Might say, well, Bob values money, right? That's why he wants to advance in his career. He wants more money. Yeah, but what's beneath that? Right? Bob doesn't want to just have a big pile of money. What does Bob value? Say, well, he values his family. Yeah. We can go even further than that though, because family's pretty vague. What does specifically within being with his family, what does he value? He said, well, he wants to take his family on adventures and travel and experiences. Okay, well what does he like about that? Right? And you could ask, you could ask more questions of Bob. And by the way, we're not talking about Bob here, we're talking about you. But by looking at someone else, you can reflect on yourself, right? Because you can go further and further down to get the essence of. The more you can cut right to the core of this, the more value you're going to get from this. Values exploration. So does Bob like the idea of excitement, adventure? You have to ask him some questions, right? Maybe he's like, yeah, would you want to just spend a week off with your family and have a staycation or would you want to go travel somewhere? Right. And if he says, oh, it doesn't really matter where we are as long as we're together. I just want that quality time with my family where I can slow down and be with them and we can do routines together, maybe go on some hikes around the neighborhood and just be around the house. Oh, that sounds so great. Okay, so then you wouldn't say he's valuing adventure and experiences, right? He's valuing what? Connection, quality time, love, shared experience. Worse, as if he's like, no, I want to have him see the world. I want to take him to different places, maybe challenging environments that are not so cushy. And I don't want to stay in resorts, you know, I want to go travel down into, you know, South America and explore these different places and have them sleep in some, you know, hotels and things that are not so swanky and nice. They get a sense of the world and how other people live. And okay, so then he's valuing adventure, exploration. There's something in there about valuing educating his Kids in the world. Right? So even that's pretty different. But now we're getting really more clear, aren't we? And let's contrast that with Tina. Tina wants to advance in her career. Why? She wants more money. Cool. Similar, right? Well, maybe not. Let's say Tima, Tina, let's not make it totally, radically different. Let's say Tina also has a family, also has a couple of kids. Why does she want to advance in her career? Well, she says, you know, my kids are a little bit older now. They're 10 and 12. And I just have dedicated so much to being a mom early in those early years. And I feel like I've gotten a little behind in my career and I. I feel like there's something I'm meant to do more than just raise my kids, like that's important. But I have these skills to offer and these gifts and I want to do something in the world and I want to earn more money for my family and contribute to the family. And I just feel like there's so much I want to do. And besides, when the kids go off to college and stuff, I don't want to be one of those empty nesters who has nothing going on in their world and they're just like, empty and depressed. I want to feel like I have my own career, my own life, my own direction. I'm helping people in the work that I do. It's meaningful to me to really provide a contribution. She also likes that, you know, the further she gets in her career, the more respect she gets. She gets more acknowledgment, significance, power. People notice her, people respect her opinions. She can contribute on a larger scale to her company. Okay, what does she value? Right? It's a whole different universe. Maybe she values achievement. She values contribution. Do you hear that? She wants to make a meaningful difference in the world. So it's not just about power or something. Although she does want that too. And that's not bad. Sometimes people are like, oh, you shouldn't want power. That's wrong. Every human wants power to some degree and significance and a sense of safety and security. These are all healthy, normal things. It only becomes problematic as someone becomes like Emperor Palpatine from Star wars or something, or he just wants absolute power and it's sucking out your soul. But hey, just, you know, feeling a sense of power and agency in the world, being able to contribute, being able to have a sense of significance from what you're offering in the world. I think that's a. That's a very Basic human need. So are they right or wrong? Who's better? I don't know. That's up to you. And it's actually really none of your business what they do. Right. It's your values. And so we just want to see what's true. Because you could spend all day judging Bob, saying, oh, he cares about his family too much. What a loser. Or you could say, oh, Tina wants power and to grow in her career. She should be her kids all day. She's not a good mom. Right. You could have all kinds of judgments. But what your judgment. Your judgments are irrelevant other than they provide information about you. But they're irrelevant to Tina and Bob, these hypothetical fictional characters. But they're, you know, probably humans just like them in the world right now. So your values are unique to you, and they're not right or wrong. They're just trying to get as accurate as possible. Right. Remember, we're talking about the ways people can have a sense of themselves. We talked about physical characteristics that can change, like your hair. Well, think about. You're trying to accurately describe what kind of hair do I have? What is my eye color? What is my height? What is my body type? What is my blood type? Right. You don't want to say, well, A is a good type and AB is a bad blood type. Like, what? You might have judgments about it, but there's just. You want to get accuracy. You don't want to go to the hospital and say, what blood type are you? And you make something up because you think it sounds better. This is stupid. You want to see what's true. So it's the same thing with your values. What do I really value? What's really important to me. And the more you can identify that and get clarity on that, that becomes a superpower. Because here is the key to strength and confidence. It's not achieving all the goals. It's not being liked by everybody. It's not being perfect. Those are all fantasies, unobtainable. It's living those values every day, and that's within your control, and that's where the strength comes from. So I have a list of my top six values, and I've tweaked this list over time. Like, are these the exact top six? I don't know. Maybe certain things could be up there at other times. But these are the big ones, right? I have love and connection, one of the most important things to me in life. Gratitude means, like, really feeling and experiencing a sense of feeling grateful for what's here in life. That's so meaningful to me to be able to experience that contribution, right? To family, to you, to the world. Health, courage and playfulness or humor. You might notice that in. In these episodes that I bring, right? If I'm recording something or teaching a group or doing something, and I'm totally dry and serious and blah, blah, blah, oh, man, I could do it for a minute, but can't do all day like that. I gotta bring play and humor into it. And I think that's a. Like those values. Is that good or bad? Well, that could be a superpower in a variety of ways, right? Both socially and also working with clients too. A lot of people just had a client recently. My mastermind is like, I really appreciate how much humor you bring to it. It makes us take ourselves less seriously. Makes this whole process so less heavy, right? And someone else might not like that. Someone might be like, no, I want someone I'm working with to be super serious. Well, great. That's what they value. So it's not about who's better or worse or right or wrong. It's about what you value and do the values align. So that list of six, in my mind, if I can consciously live three of those top five or six values each day, and it might vary, one day I'm doing a little bit more playfulness. One day I'm doing a bit more courage. One day I'm focusing on health more. But if I can live three of those, and maybe even all five or six in a day, on purpose, consciously, I'm going to feel powerful, confident, alive, good. It's like the secret medicine, the secret bullet, the secret sauce of feeling more of what you want now, more purpose, more meaning. Because you get to live what you value. What you value is what's meaningful or important to you. And meaning is probably the most significant thing for people. Yes, we want pleasure and we want to avoid pain. But we all know that people that have all the pleasure in the form of hedonism, but there's no meaning in it start to feel really depressed and it leads to, like, addiction issues and things, right? Because they're empty inside. And we all know that people that are going through pain, if there's a sense of meaning in the pain, like there's a purpose or this, they put a larger context around it. Then they have so much more strength and resilience to get through the hard times and the pain, right? So our values are the key. And I guess the question I have for you is I wonder what your list might be. What do you Value most. Because then you know what to live every day. And what does that mean, by the way? That'll be your action step. So we'll get to that in just a minute. But what does that mean, to live it? Well, we don't have to make it more complicated. Right? So first of all, once you come up with a list, which I'll do in your action step in just a moment, then you want to have that list somewhere. Have it written down on your desk. Or for me, I have mine, like, pasted on the wall behind my monitor so I can see it. Right? So you look at it and then you think, oh, have I done this today, or am I doing this right now? Right. So I can look at the wall and I can see contribution on there and say, great, look, I just recorded a podcast that's contribution to the world, that's free, putting it out there. And people are listening to it. And you're listening to it right now. Hooray. It's working, Right? And I can have a smile on my face. I can feel warmth in. So you want to acknowledge it, maybe slow down for just a moment, because if you just notice it, yeah, I contributed. Whatever. What's next? Okay, well, then you're not going to get the juice. And we want to get the juice of the secret sauce. What? I don't know. Anyway, so focus in on it for a minute. Feel the contribution in this example. Take a breath and then move on. And I could look at right above that and list this gratitude. Oh, have I lived gratitude today? Have I felt it? No, not really. Well, could I? Oh, of course, man. I could just change the way I focus for a minute. Maybe I'll do that right now. Okay. And I can start to focus on my wife and kids. Just left. Summertime just started for the kiddos. She's taking them to a doctor's appointment right now. And I just can feel a deep sense of love and gratitude for this house that we get to live in. Then we get to share the morning together. Just an ordinary morning. A little bit of fighting between the kids, you know, so nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, but it's extraordinary to have people that I love, to have this gift, to be with family and to be with a partner that, you know. Many years ago, when I was trapped in a cage of social anxiety, I thought that was impossible. Wow. It's amazing. Look, look, I just did gratitude right there. So I wonder what some of your values could be, because all you do is you focus on live it now. Courage That's a good one. Right. What is courage? Courage means you do something that scares you. So it requires fear. Great. There's always something I could think of that scares me. Great. Okay, let me lean in to do it. Let me face the fear. That's what this show is about in so many ways. Right. And there's a thousand different ways you could do it. Literally with an action step that you're taking that you're scared of, you know, focusing on an area that you've been avoiding, addressing a task that you put off. Those are all forms of courage. Some of them are very overtly fear, and other times, you know, avoidance is usually masking some kind of fear. So you can live that out. And the key is to live the values today. And if you just keep focusing on that, say, you know, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know if I'm going to get this result. I don't know if that person's going to like me or not. But I'm going to live my values. One of my values is, I guess it is probably in the top five now I think about it. But maybe it's not right. Maybe it's just beneath those. But honesty is very important to me. Or authenticity, intimacy. Right. So being real. And it's funny now that I'm saying I said my top five, just so embedded in everything I do. Anyway, so then let's say you have to have a conversation with somebody. You have to give someone feedback or ask someone a question or say something that your partner or your friend or your colle might not like. Oh, I'm scared. I'm scared of the reaction. I'm scared they're not going to like me. I'm scared of this. Okay, all right. And what do I value here? Do I value making everyone feel comfortable? Do I value safety more than all that? Like, well, I want people to feel okay, so I'm not going to, you know, verbally berate them. But I value honesty more than that, more than making everyone feel comfortable at all costs. So I'm going to speak what's true. I'm going to ask the question I need to ask or say what I need to say here. Maybe I'll do it in a tactful way so that I'm not causing additional intentional harm, but I'm going to say what needs to be said. So now you can focus on living that value and less on all the immediate outcomes and reactions and the world around you and the circumstances. Because Those are largely out of your control. All right? So you probably know what's coming. Talk about your action step. Time for action. Action, action. So today, let's have you come up with your list of top five or six values. Maybe seven. I don't know. But the more you get, the more clunky it is. So even if it's just three to four, that's fine. Three to five, three to six, something in that range. And if you're like, oh, I really don't know, I got to spend 70, you know, I got to do a weekend retreat to figure this out. I guess I'll do that next year. No, just do it in your drive. Just do it right now in your head. Get a version 1.0 and done. Which is better than perfect. You could always tweak it. Like, the next day, you're like, wait a minute. I totally forgot about whatever is important to you. Maybe you're like, wow, I spent a lot of focus on being with. I don't know. I'm trying to think of values outside of my list of values. Let's say you are like, man, I spent a lot of time thinking about traveling and going places and experiencing things. That's. That, to me, does feel like adventure. And I didn't even put on my top five. But you know what? It is in my top five. So you tweak your list and you add it. Great. But just have something, because then it gives you something to work off of. And of course, the next part of this action step is going to be to live those values. When? I don't know, in six months? No, no, today. Like, right now. So get a version 1.0 and done. Play with this, and I think you'll be amazed at how much more strength and freedom it gives you, as well as connecting deeply with who you are, which gives you the resilience and the capacity to handle anything that occurs in life. All right, thanks for being with me today. Until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone, one who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkfortheshyguy. Com. For free blogs, ebooks, and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter. Com.