Your System For Social Confidence

Welcome to Shrink for the Shy Guy. This is the show for you. If you are sick and tired of being held back by fear, self doubt, social anxiety, shyness, anything that's stopping you from you being you. I'm going to share the most powerful tools and resources that I've been discovering over the last 15 years on my journey to eradicate social anxiety and instill confidence, first in myself and then in every single person that I meet on my journey. You're going to learn these tools and how to apply them in your life now so that you can become the most free, powerful, bold, authentic version of you. Hey, welcome to today's episode of the show. Today, I have a question for you. What is your system for social confidence, for social mastery, for being able to connect with anyone in any situation. Now, that might be a desire that you have. You know, most people I talk to who experience social anxiety have a deep desire to become more socially confident, to be able to connect with others, to not worry if they're good enough or not. Imagine other people are judging them, and that's important. That desire is the drive that gets you to move forward. However, if you don't have a system for it, it's not that likely to happen. And that might sound like bad news. Actually, that's fantastic news. And I'm going to share more in this episode about how you can discover and create a system and test it out for yourself in this episode. Before I mention that whatever, your system is going to be a big boost to that system, maybe even a place that you're going to refine it and improve it and actually make massive progress on it is going to be in an environment of immersion. And you might have heard in previous episodes, we have an event coming up in October called Supremely Confident Conversation Master. And this is an event dedicated to you developing the inner confidence to know that you're worthy of friendship. Of course people want to talk to me. Of course I'm capable to create all the connections that I could ever want in my life. And then also the skills that you're going to practice, you're going to develop that muscle of social confidence, social mastery in three days of online immersion. It's a virtual event, so you can join from anywhere in the world. And we're having the early bird right now. So now is the time to get your tickets at a massive discount. And, you know, really, we're getting close here, especially by the time this event rolls around. We're getting close to the end of 2022. I know that Sounds crazy. It's still a little ways off, right quarter away. But it's. It's gonna be here before you know it. It's gonna be the end of this year. And the question is, do you wanna end this year being like, yeah, I guess I was a little different than the year before. Maybe a little better, or decisively, undeniably, radically different than last year in terms of your confidence, in terms of you liking who you are, in terms of the connections you can have in your life. And there's only one way it's gonna be radically different, and that's you claiming something different, you showing up. And so I invite you to take that step. You can join me at the event. Go to drzeze.coM-R-A z I z.com and there's an events tab on the page there. You can click that and then click on the Conversation Master. Or you can just go to shrinkforthshyguy.com and under this episode, at shrinkforthshyguy.com, there is a link to the events, and you can find that event there. So along those lines, let's talk about discovering your system for social confidence. And the reason this is so important is because if you have a goal of, like, I want to be more confident, great. How does that come about? Right? That's like a goal of saying, I want to be in more shape. And as you're going to, you probably already know from me in this show, if you listen to other episodes, and definitely what I teach at the event is that social confidence is. Is a muscle. It's a skill or a muscle. Different metaphors to think about it. And it's like social fitness is a term that I learned from one of my mentors, social fitness. And when you put it into that context, it starts to make more sense. Because if you say, I have a goal, I desire to be in great shape physically, whatever that is for you, it's like, great, okay, what are you doing today? I don't know, but I got a goal, right? It's like, okay, well, you're probably not gonna be in great shape a month from now or six months from now or whatever. And so what's required is some sort of process or system to success, right? I mean, it's kind of basic stuff, but for some reason, we don't think about it. We think that social confidence is just kind of like a choice. Like, I should just choose to be more confident or I want to be more confident. Oh, I'm not, I guess. I just can't be. We have this very fixed, fixed, limited, almost immature mindset around it as opposed to seeing it like a skill, like a muscle. Well, how do you develop any skill? It's through practice, right? And here's the reason I think we don't. Because of those myths, those stories of like, this is who I am and this is how it is. But what's really underneath that is we don't like the discomfort of being not very good at something. Right. I see this in my kids, like, and I'm sure it's true for me too. But it's, you know, you can see it in others very easily, right? So if one of my kids is not if they're good at something, like my older son was really naturally good with math. It just came to him like that he could do math problems in his head. He enjoys it. And then when it came to writing and especially reading, writing he's better at reading was the hardest for him to learn and it was the one he wanted to do the least, right? So we had to do this like, okay, let's do some reading practice. And he's like, he'd make these like long groany sounds and he'd try for like less than a minute and be like, this is terrible. I'm never going to get this. It's so hard. All this emotion comes up, right? What is that? It's frustration. It's like, I got a puppy too, and I just took her first, taking her and my other dog for a little hike in the woods and there's this log across the trail. And my other dog, who's about a year old, little mini oss, he just jumps right over it. He's a little acrobat. And this puppy is a about three and a half month old German shepherd. And she is, you know, lumbering along and then she's trying to get over the log and she's like. And she like scratches her paws at and can't get over it. And then she makes like this noise. She's frustrated. She wants to keep up with this and she can't. So whether it's an animal, you know, a child, which is those children are animals and humans, you an adult, adult human, you're an animal too. Welcome. Welcome to the animal kingdom, my friend. And we feel frustration when we're not good at something. And I think that's why when it comes to social confidence, conversation, confidence, connecting with others, it evokes uncomfortable feelings of frustration. Like I'm not very good at it. I Don't know what to say. Or maybe you can do okay from a performance perspective, but emotionally inside you're tense, you're stressed, you're self critical. And so what it does is it creates this, this agitation, the stronger feelings of frustration. Maybe sometimes we've collapsed into a hopeless state, right? And the hopeless state of, oh, I'm never gonna get this. I mean, just zoom out of your situation, which might seem really true. And look at my son there, like he's saying, oh, I'm not gonna read, I'm never gonna get this. Is that true? Is it true that he's like incapable of reading? It's like, I'm sorry. Yep. Nope. You just. Your brains are broken, right? No. What is that, what is he saying there? Well, what he's saying is this is uncomfortable. I do not want to keep doing this. And if I imagine being uncomfortable and it feels like I'm not getting it. So if I imagine I'm just going to keep doing this thing, it's going to keep being really uncomfortable and I'm never. And I'm not going to get it because I don't see myself getting it right now in this practice session. Yuck. I don't wanna do it right. If I could translate what he's saying. That's what it is. Now can we map that onto you? When it comes to social confidence, Yuck, I'm not getting this. It didn't feel like that went any better than my last attempts. And so I don't wanna keep doing, subjecting myself to this discomfort especially. Cause I don't see any progress anyway. Now how do we deal with that? How do we work with that? Well, a couple key things to know about fitness. If you went to the gym and you threw some weights around, you know, real, as David Goggins would say, geranimo style. I don't even know what word he's saying. If you're a David Goggins fan, in his book Can't Hurt Me, he'd be like, yeah, we threw weights around Guaranimo style. Guranimo is that animal and gorilla, is that, is that what you're. Is that you're combining anyway? Maybe it's a term, I don't know it, but maybe you're going to throw some weights around Guaranimo style and okay, you did it. Well done. The next day, when you look in the mirror, are you swole, are you shredded or do you kind of look about the same, right, like. No, duh, you look about the same because the change doesn't occur instantly. Nothing changes instantly. The only thing that responds to you instantly is your fricking cell phone. That's why we're so addicted to them in video games. Cause we're like, ooh, instant, instant, instant response. And so we've conditioned ourselves to instant responses. It doesn't work that way. You put in the effort over time, effort over time, sustained effort, sustained action, consistent action over time equals growth, equals change, equals progress. And that is how you develop it. That's how you build it. And so the issue is not will it work? Will my son Zayim learn how to know how to read better? Of course. He's already. He's already way better. Just from, like, about three to four weeks of more regular practice with me and his mom. Right. And of course, will he be a great reader? No doubt. Right. Because he just put the time in and you'll get it. Can you be socially comfortable, socially confident, skilled in conversation? Absolutely. No doubt. It's just a matter of putting the time in. And what stops you from putting the time in? That's the key question. Not, is it gonna work or not? Yes, it will work. If you put the effort and the focus and the energy into it. What stops you? What's getting in the way? That's the key question to look at. Are you putting time into it? There's so many people that I know who come into my world who are like, well, I read your book. I read the Solution of Social Anxiety, or I read one of the other books I have, or I watched your videos online, or I listened to this podcast. I've been listening to your podcast for years, and I'm still feeling stuck. It's like, great. Okay, well, tell me about what you did. Well, you know, I tried to speak up a little bit more at work, and I went out and I did some exercises. Some of the action steps that I learned from you, it's like, okay. And they'll tell me about, you know, it went this way, or it went. It was. I felt liberated for a moment or it didn't go well, and I felt anxious, like, okay, great. And then what? Right. It's like they were hoping that it would work. And again, it's like going to the gym one time or for a week and hoping it's going to work. Like, no, it's got to be sustained over time. And I'm, you know, I like to. I definitely much more like to hike and run than I'd like to be in a gym, but I do like to lift weights. And that sort of thing. And I'm, I'd say at this stage, at the time of this recording, mediocre in my consistency. And it's something that I'm looking to improve a little bit at a time each day. And there was a time when I was in personal training and I was like, you know, for about almost two year period where I was really consistent and it was the strongest I've ever been. And I was like, you know, like everyone who, probably any guy at least, and maybe women have this too with changing their appearance. For sure, I think that's probably universal at this stage, that everyone wants fast results. But, you know, I'm like, I want to get, I want to get lean and strong and muscular really quick, you know. And what surprised me is like, how long it takes to notice significant changes in your appearance from lifting weights. I mean, I'm talking like, I thought if you asked me, I'd say, I don't know, after like a month or two. And yeah, you can notice some stuff, but like, to look significantly different is almost like six months, maybe even, you know, more. Nine months to a year. Depends on what your goals are. Right. And you know, how much you work out and how you eat and all that stuff. But it's like, that's a long time. I mean, everyone's time horizon is different. But to me, six months is a long time. A year is a lifetime year's a long time for me. Everyone's got a different time sense of time. But so, and that's like a year, let's just say, or maybe you know, nine months of regularly, whatever that is for you, three, four times a week, going into the gym and not just going in there and kind of like looking at your cell phone, doing a few sets and leaving. I mean, actively working out, challenging your body to get a significant change in your strength and appearance. Okay, what about social confidence and fitness? How much is needed there? And I think people have a gross underestimate. It's much more like learning to read or developing a skill, like playing an instrument. Like, you do not expect to play an instrument after a few sessions, right? And that's the level. And so when I'm working with people in my Mastermind program, sometimes I'll throw out crazy numbers for them. They're like, oh, I'm not sure how much this is gonna go. I'm like, yeah, okay, 25 person's like, what? I'm like, that's how many more women you need to ask out before you start to feel More confident and capable with it. And notice the words I used there, confident and capable. I'm not saying comfortable because that's this particular client's goal. I want to be comfortable walking up to any woman and asking her out, like, okay, that in the progression of attainment, comfort is at the end of that progression. And actually, ironically, it comes about when you don't care about comfort because you have been addicted to comfort, which is why you're not building the social confidence muscle or the dating confidence muscle or the whatever muscle habit that you want to build. It's comfort that's stopping you. And so the person who's still addicted to comfort says, okay, I want to do it, but I want to get the other side where I'm so good at it that I'm comfortable with it. And you're just trying to flip from one form of comfort to another. And guess what? In between those two little islands of comfort is a big ass swim through the choppy channel of cold discomfort. So when are you going to get in the water, right? And it's like. And so your first goal is probably basic. I was going to say competence. But even before competence, your goal is engagement. Can I go do this thing? Can I show up? That's the first goal. Second goal is, can I get more competent at it? Third goal, can I get more confidence with it? Because confidence is a byproduct of the action and the competence. If you do something a lot and you get like, you know how to handle it, you feel more confident with it. Whether it's swinging a tennis racket, having a conversation, leading a meeting, doing some project at work. The first time you did it, you're probably nervous. You don't know what the hell's going on. You've been there for three years, five years, you've done this meeting 35 times. You have a level of competence. You're confident. Are you comfortable? I don't know how much repetition is needed for comfort. I don't know. Maybe more repetition than you are ever going to do. Maybe certain things in life are not meant to just be totally comfortable. Maybe you're not meant to be totally comfortable approaching someone who excites and delights and scares you because they're so amazing seeming to you. And often the shifts to get to a much more at ease state of comfort with it involve a major change in your perspective and your mindset too, not just pure repetition. So we're looking for showing up, we're looking for competence and then confidence and then maybe some sort of comfort. But I would not put that as your top goal because you got a long way to go. And what happens is people do it a few times. They're like, I felt really anxious. I'm not comfortable yet. This is never going to work. And they didn't realize that they set their goal is for the freaking black belt, right? And so how about. And look, I'm not saying it's going to be all miserable as you. There is a great phrase that I learned from Tony Robbins, which is progress equals happiness. So as you are progressing, you will feel better, right? So you don't have to be the best, you don't have to be the most comfortable, you don't have to be the most confident. Just you feel like, hey, I'm doing this thing. So when you're in the beginning stages, just showing up and doing it, that's a win. And I hear this all the time on mastermind programs. Someone's like, you know what? It didn't go the way that I wanted. Or I got a no there. But I feel good. Cause I asked. It's like, hell yeah, right? I'm just showing up. That feels good. That's progress. Because I used to avoid. Now I approach. Then the next level is like, hey, I'm in it. And I got confused. I didn't know what to say. Oh, I felt awkward. Okay, well, what could I say in that situation? What got in the way? What story was I telling myself? This is the progress. And this is where your systems start to come in. So let's talk about that. In fact, let's talk about making your system as part of our action step. Time for action. Action, action. So your action step for today's episode is to look at where you are in that progression of are you showing up to social engagements in the places that you want? So if you want more confidence socially, at work, in your outside of work and social situations, in your dating life around family, like, are you consistently on purpose showing up in that environment and then speaking up in that environment? That's the first part of your system. And you can evaluate yourself there. Am I showing up? And if the answer is no or kinda, then how do I increase this? And here's the key thing to improving systems. How do I increase this by 1% or 2% or whatever? A very low number. Cause if you're like, okay, I gotta radically change this, I'm gonna go here, I'm gonna here, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna show up at this thing, I'm A social butterfly. And then that little nervous, anxious part inside of you is like, no. And it sounds terrible and overwhelming and you just procrastinate or you avoid it, or you find an excuse. So we say, okay, I'm not really showing up that much. How can I show up 1% more at work, socially? Lean in just a little bit to an interaction that I might avoid. Just 1%. You'll find an opportunity, the smallest opportunity, and then you build on that. And a key thing to having your system sustain itself is it's gotta have fuel. And the best fuel is for you to acknowledge the win and the progress and feed on that. Cause if you focus on what you didn't do and how it's not enough and how you're never gonna get there. Cause, oh my God, look how slow I'm going. You are never gonna experience that change. But the incremental games stack up, right? It's like compounding interest. So you focus on, hey, I normally avoid people at work. And I went and had that conversation with someone today. Normally I wouldn't do that. Or, hey, instead of sending an email to someone, I picked up the phone and called them to have that quick conversation with them. Boom, that counts, right? And you just acknowledge that. And you build on it. You build on it, you build on it. That's the first part of your system. The second part of your system is if you're already showing up now, you can start to work on competence. So how did it go? Did I, you know, I felt awkward or I felt anxious or I judged myself? Okay, great. When you leave the situation in the situation, just show up, do the best you can. Right afterwards you want to ask yourself, how am I creating that? How am I creating the anxiety? What am I telling myself? What story am I telling myself that's making me anxious? Am I telling myself, they don't like me, they think I'm a loser? Okay, then the next system to work on is you're already showing up, right? Hey, solve that one. The next one to work on is you probably treat yourself terribly. So you need to improve your habit or your process or your system of how you treat yourself. I call this Omos. I have a whole book on it on my own side. So there's that one. Then there's the, you know, you'll learn more about conversation skills too, right? Like, oh, I didn't, you know, I wasn't attacking myself a bunch. It wasn't a, you know, self judgment thing. I just literally didn't know what to say in response to that. Well, then you can work on that. You can brainstorm that. You'll learn techniques at the supremely confident Conversation Master virtual event that you'll be able to use. In fact, you'll leave with key techniques that you'll be able to use for the rest of your life to always know what to say next in a conversation. And then maybe you have an experience where you don't use that technique and you're kind of like, I got flustered. I don't know. Well, when you leave, you say, huh, okay, what could I have done there? And you kind of replay and brainstorm a little bit and then boom, you're ready for the next time. That's how you get the competence. And then the result of that, the byproduct of that is you're going to feel confident in conversations and then persisting longer to get comfortable. Well, we'll just table that one because I really don't think comfort is the end game. I think if you're showing up and you're engaging and you're feeling confident, you're going to feel connected, you're going to feel great. And I don't know if comfortable is our ultimate goal. Alright, so thanks for being with me today. I cannot wait to see you perhaps at the Conversation Master event and until we speak again, may have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. Thanks for listening to Shrink for the shy guy with Dr. Aziz. If you know anyone who can benefit from what you've just heard, please let them know and send them a link to shrinkforthshyguy.com for free vlogs, ebooks and training videos related to overcoming shyness and increasing confidence, go to socialconfidencecenter.com. Sam.