You're Allowed To Push Back

There is one major reason why most people don't stand up for themselves and why most people I talk to are afraid to push back. Even when someone says something that might be offensive, inappropriate, challenging, critiquing in an unhelpful way, most people just take it and they're telling themselves one specific thing that keeps them silent. And it seems to make so much sense. It seems like it's wise and reasonable. And this becomes a gag order. And it was something that kept me silent and prevented me from speaking up in even unhealthy situations. For several decades in my life. And you're gonna discover exactly what that is and how to really give yourself full permission to speak up, defend yourself, communicate, be bold and powerful and assertive. It's actually way more accessible than you think. And that this one line is preventing you from doing it. It's one fear, and I'm going to give it to you right now. People are afraid of being, quote, defensive. I hear this all the time. So someone says something to me at work, they challenge me, they're saying something in a negative way, a hostile way even. It's like, well, why didn't you push back? Why Why don't you say, I don't like that, or no, I disagree, or whatever? And they're like, well, I just, you know, I just don't want to get upset. And okay, so you get a little— you're gonna like throw a chair at them? Well, no, no, but I'm just gonna sound defensive. I don't want to get defensive. In fact, that becomes part of how people control other people. So let's say you start to speak up and someone says, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop being defensive, you're being defensive. And then we instantly stop. Oh, you're right. Oh well, that was the code word. I can't do that. You're right. And we never stop to question what's actually happening there, what we're actually allowed to do, what's healthy, what's effective in both leadership, workplace situations, romantic relationships, family situations. This comes up everywhere. And so we don't even need someone to tell us don't be defensive beforehand, right in the moment where you could start speaking up, you silence yourself out of the fear of getting upset and being quote defensive. So I want to clear this up right now. And it's going to give you a powerful way to be so much more free. And I learned this the hard way personally, I had multiple experiences in my life, but two stand out that were brutal, brutal, because I didn't stand up for myself. And I'm not talking about, I don't know, someone's a little rude to you at a restaurant, you know, the waiter or server is rude and you're like, "I'm gonna stand up for myself. You come back here. You don't talk to me that way." Like, okay, I don't know, maybe just let that kind of stuff go. I'm talking about situations that are like real problematic where somebody is putting their stuff on me. You know what I'm talking about? Right? They're kind of spewing at you. Something's going on with them. They're on their own trip. They are upset about something or they're hurt about something or they had some expectation of you that you didn't necessarily even agree with, but they had that in their mind. And so now they're coming at you like, you didn't do this and you didn't do that. And I had two situations like that. Once was when I was, I was in a consulting group with several other therapists, and I was excited at that time because I was expanding in my career and I was writing a book, about to release a book actually, my first one, The Solution to Social Anxiety, and moving into a coaching practice. And I was moving out of therapy into working with people in groups, working with people all over the world, put my ideas out there, and I was excited and I was sharing and I thought it was great. I was like, hey guys, I'm taking these healing tools that we got and I'm using them in new ways, it's gonna be amazing. They like freaked out on me in the most calm therapy kind of way. They, you know, no one threw a chair, but it was like, hmm. And one by one, in this there was 4 of us, right? One by one, each of them had to have like a 5 or 7 minute turn where they're like, Aziz, I'm really concerned for you. And it was like all these barbed comments like, why are you pursuing this? Is this coming from greed? Why would you want to do this thing? Isn't coaching bad? And And they had all their ideas from back in the day. And I don't know if it's still the case, but in my therapy training, there was a bit of a turf battle. The psychologists didn't like the coaches because the coaches could be like, hey, I'm a coach now. And they didn't have to go through like 7 years of training and spend a bunch of money and get all this stuff. Psychologists didn't like that, right? So there's a lot of tension already in the field about it. So maybe that was coming out. Maybe they had their own issues around money or charging or— I don't know. You don't need to know. But in the moment, I was like, this is weird. What are they doing? Why are we having this conversation? But I just said to myself, hey Aziz, you can't be defensive. You just gotta— that's bad. Being defensive is bad. Always bad to be defensive. And I just took it. I just took it. You ever done that? And I played the role of like the, mm, I'm being so calm and non-defensive and wise. But that's not real. It's not authentic. It's not actually healthy. And then you know what happens? You'll know this if you've done exactly what I've done here, it's not over after that conversation. Oh no, it's just beginning. And then it's me in my head with these 3 guys for the next 3 weeks. I should have said that, I should have said this, and I'm like upset and I'm hurt and I'm angry, right? The conflict wasn't resolved in the moment because I didn't say what needed to be said. I didn't have a healthy boundary. I didn't do anything, just took it. And all that energy and all that conflict is now forming around inside of me. And so that is just one example of, I'd say, a toxic situation that comes from a fear of being defensive. And despite all of that, I didn't walk away thinking, you know, next time I'm gonna do something different. I just thought, oh, that was really rough and that was really hard and I was hurt and all that. It took me another many years and having a whole other experience just like that. I'm not going to tell you all the details of— very similar, it was a one-on-one with somebody and they just went and went and went. I listened to them for like 40 minutes trying to help them feel heard. And it was after that second time where again I was carrying it for 3 weeks afterwards that I realized something. I said, wait a minute, in those situations, it's not being defensive, it's defending myself. And those are two very different things. And one is actually extremely necessary and healthy. So being defensive, and we gotta really contain the definition, 'cause it's spread, especially in all kinds of therapy world and personal growth world and all this stuff where, yeah, defensive is bad. Oh yeah, don't be defensive. Always be open to feedback. Always? Everyone's like, if you were walking down the street and some guy popped out from behind a dumpster and was like, you're the devil, blah, I should take in that feedback, that's really important, I gotta sit with myself, am I embodying demonic traits, am I evil, right? Do you need to? I'd be like, you know what, I don't know what's going on with that dude, I'm gonna go get a burger with my kids, right? Just move on. And that could apply all the way up the chain, even to a colleague and a coworker. It's like, I gotta pull you aside, I gotta tell you something real important now. I might say, well geez, can't be defensive, got to be open-minded. Maybe, maybe you got to know where it's coming from. What are those person's patterns? What are projecting on you? Do they know what they're talking about? Is there any actual evidence they're pointing to? Do you agree with it or not? There's a whole set of questions you can actually use to help yourself navigate it. Being defensive is when I am absolutely closed off to any sort of feedback all the time, and I did do something. I should be taking accountability there. I did drop a ball. I did do something out of line, and I'm like, nope, nope, can't hear it. Nope, nope, can't hear it. And that does happen. That happens sometimes. We all might do that sometimes, and that's okay. Afterwards, we can clean it up or say, hey, I wasn't taking accountability there. But so much of the time, maybe maybe even 90% of the time when I'm working with this with clients, there's actually a space to be defending themselves in a healthy way. And defending yourself is just asserting, hold on a second here, I, I don't see it that way. I think there's something going on here for you that's coming out in this way. I don't need to take that on. Now, whether you say all that or not, but that's your energy, that's your attitude, that's how you let yourself respond. And I remember I had a situation with someone who was very upset with me. They had a lot of expectations of what I was supposed to do for them, and I didn't ever agree to those things. That's a big distinction, by the way, is a lot of people will put their expectations on you. And look, if I agreed, yes, I'm going to show up, I'm gonna do A, B, and C for you, and I didn't do A, B, and C, sure, there's some accountability there. But if I said, hey, I'm gonna do A with you, and they want A, B, C, D, E, and now they're angry at me. And I remember I was speaking with someone and they're, and you didn't do B and you didn't do C. And I said, hold on a second, it sounds like you have the expectation that I'm gonna do B, C, D for you. I don't remember agreeing to that. Do you remember me agreeing to that? Well, no, but it's obvious that you're supposed to. Okay, so in your world, it's obvious that A would come with B, C, and D, but that's not obvious to me. I actually see them as very different, right? So in the moment, I am basically saying, I don't agree with you. I see it differently. That is defending yourself. That is holding your perspective, your reality, your model of the world, and being able to say it. And you don't need to try to convince them. You shouldn't want all this other stuff. You did the wrong thing. You're this. You don't need to convince them of that. In fact, the longer you try, then we're going to stay in that conversation. It could be short and sweet. That doesn't really land well with me. No, I don't think that's what's happening. Like those kinds of— that's all you need. You don't need to explain it. You don't need to justify it. You don't need to convince them. And that's defending yourself. And that is an essential skill in relationships. And it always becomes clear when I talk about this with a client when I say, well, let's say you had a child and they were 10 years old and there was a kid at school who was like physically beating them up, a bully, and they're like punching them and throwing them in the locker or whatever. What should you do? Do you tell your kid, hey, listen, just don't be defensive, just take it? Everyone's like, no, that's horrible, that's unhealthy. They should defend themselves. And there's many ways to do that, you know. Do you get a teacher involved? That's probably the ideal move. Do you teach them taekwondo so they can punch that bully in the soft belly, right? Maybe that's another way. Do you teach target-focused training so they can crack that bully's windpipe. No, no, don't, don't, don't do that one. Don't do that one. Teach them that when they're an adult to protect themselves. But there are many ways to defend themselves, and we know instantly what's healthy. If you imagine, even if you're not a parent, just imagine having a kid, you know what's healthy there, right? And that's the same for ourselves. And so the next time someone is coming at you or they're just doing something that feels off or you don't like it, or it's maybe a subtle dig, they're like, well, you're doing a pretty good job for someone who is, you know, wasn't very well educated or whatever. And you're like, what the What was that? You might say, whoa, that didn't really land well with me. I don't know if you were intending to be insulting there, but that comes across as kind of a criticism or a dig. Boom. That's me defending myself. And when you're able to do that, there is a beautiful gift that awaits you. Good sleep, my friend. You're not going to be carrying the conversation for 3 weeks afterwards, having a fight in your head. You're just like, yep, hit the pillow with my head at the end of the night and sleep like a baby because I said what needed to be said. And that's because you give yourself permission to defend yourself because that's healthy. So look, there's nothing you could do about the past and those times that you didn't do it, but those are gifts. So if you have a moment where you're like, ugh, God, it still bothers me that I didn't speak up, instead of turning that into a way to criticize yourself and say, look at me, I'm the kind of guy who's just weak and doesn't speak up for myself— no, don't lock that into your identity. I want you to mine that past experience for its gold and say, okay, in that situation I didn't defend myself and that felt bad and I carried with it, so enough of that. Moving forward, right as you're listening to this, from here onwards, I am I'm going to give myself permission to defend myself. It's not defensive. I'll know the difference. And you know what, maybe I'll err on the side of sometimes I got defensive, and then I can go back and clean it up later, because 95% of the time it's actually me healthy defending myself. So if you practice that in your life, it will not only open up a whole new level of freedom inside of yourself, it'll radically change how people treat you and the level of respect that you get in all areas of your life.