You’re Successful and Exhausted

Do you feel a pressure to come across in a certain way—confident, smart, put together—and worry that if you don't appear that way, and things are going to go badly, people are going to judge you, and you're going to lose it, whether it's professionally, personally, relationships? And so then some part of you is tracking real time, how am I doing, how am I coming across? And maybe it pulls you out of the moment and being fully, freely, authentically yourself. And this isn't just a personality style, this is actually a deeper pattern running in your nervous system that is making you feel like you have to be on maybe all the time? And how's that going for you? Is it exhausting? Is it starting to take a toll on you? Maybe you're still succeeding. In fact, a lot of people that run this pattern that I work with, very successful, right? Because it matters to them. They're going to show up, they're going to perform, they're going to prepare, they're going to look good, they're going to rehearse, they're going to plan, and they're going to do it right. They're going to be excellent, they're going to be impeccable, they're going to be well-dressed, they're going to sound smart, they are going to be smart, they're going to get all the training in the world to be the smartest, they're probably going to be in leadership, they're going to pursue in their career, they're going to be ambitious. And it's never enough, and they're anxious and they're stressed. And maybe you feel this pressure, like, if I don't keep going like this, I'm gonna lose it and I'm gonna lose everything. And if so, I'm so glad that you found this. You're in the right place, because what you're experiencing is a pattern, and it's one of the 4 core patterns that I've identified over doing this work for almost 20 years with clients and seeing that when we're afraid, we're not sure how people are going to respond to us, we default into one of 4 patterns. And this one is called the Performer. And so this resonates for you. You can always find out your type, by the way, if you go to www.draziz.com, that's D-R-A-Z-I-Z dot com, and take a 2-minute quiz. You'll find out your approval type. And this is the Performer. And the Performer has got to be on. They got to manage everyone's impression, at least it feels that way. And that's driven by a fear. And that fear is, if I'm not on, if I'm not polished and perfect, however I've defined perfect— socially charming, witty, maybe sometimes you can even— the perfection around being deep and really going, you know, going deeper with people and expressing the right things things, pulling depth out of that conversation for them. You could be professionally being really polished, really smart, always knowing the answer, always saying the right thing. If I don't do that, then the other person is gonna have a very different perception of me, and it's going to be bad, and they're going to disapprove or dislike you. Hence this, the feeling of pressure. Because look, I mean, everybody wants to make a good impression, right? Everyone wants to be liked more than they want to be disliked. That's just natural and human. But the level of pressure that we can feel about that and the intensity of that inside is not just ordinary preference, it becomes a necessity. And that's what it feels like, maybe not to your conscious mind, but to your nervous system, which is why I have so many clients that I talk to who are like, I know I can give a good presentation. I know what I'm doing in this work situation. In fact, they could talk to me one-on-one about the work situation, and they say it very casually and calmly, and they know their stuff. But then when they're in that meeting, when they're in that professional setting, when there's executives in the room, when there's the potential client in the room, the pressure ratchets up to the nth degree, and then they start to run this hyper self-observation pattern. Which is very counter to their best performance, right? You might even call that performance anxiety. Oh, but I better not mess this up. And like, there's a real-time commentary now. It's like, oh, that wasn't good. Oh, look at their face. Oh my God, though, you should have said that. You should have said this. And it's trying to steer real time, and then you're getting all mucked up because you're like, I'm trying to say my thing, get out of my head. And it's getting in there. Same thing could happen socially, right? Like, oh, this is not going well. That wasn't a very good joke. You should say something. Say something funny. Do it right. Come on, come on, come on. And that's that voice in your head. It's like, dude, I can't even think of what to say. You're talking so loud in my head. And that's the voice of fear, because it's saying, we're gonna get disapproval, we're gonna get hit, we're gonna get— it's like a bullet, it's gonna get me. And we're in this fear state. And then that pressure does one of several things. One is it pushes you to try to do more and do better. And so maybe you really focus in that meeting, and you really prepare, and you really give your best. But then what often happens is it feels like it wasn't enough, because that voice is trying to get no disapproval. I mean, how does it know? Maybe you gave a great presentation, but did everybody like it? Why was that third person on the left looking away? And why did your boss look down when you said that one thing? Well, why did that client kind of look away? Why did they say no to you afterwards if it was such a great presentation? Right? So now your worth, your sense of safety and value is plugged into the very next performance, and everything starts to become a performance. Work is a performance. Meetings are a performance. Dating is a performance. Socializing is a performance. Life is a performance if it gets that far. Sometimes for people, it's localized into certain domains. A lot of people I work with, it's gotten everywhere, which is why they reach that threshold moment where they're like, I gotta do something about this. And they've seen through the illusion that if I just succeeded enough, if I performed well enough, then this would go away. But it doesn't go away. And here's the worst part about it is it actually blocks you from getting what you really want. Because yes, you want to look good or come across well. And yes, you might want to succeed or achieve things in your life, of course. But what you want really is the fruits of those achievements, right? So if you get the girl or get the guy, get the ring, you want to be able to enjoy time with your spouse, right? I got him. I got one. You like hanging out with them? No, it's terrible. It's a big performance, but I got one, right? No, that's not success. Or same thing in career. I achieved X, I got this level of certification, I'm this level in the company, or I've made X amount of dollars, I've got a certain amount of money. If I made a certain amount of money, ho ho ho, I'll be impressive then. And then we get there. Maybe you have gotten there, or at least on the way there. Like, I don't really feel any different. That voice is still there. It's still not enough. And then we start to get exhausted. We start to get burnt out. But in your personal side, it can feel really painful because it's people don't really know me. I can't really take the mask off. I gotta be on. And either it prevents you from even getting into a deeper relationship, right? Like you end it earlier. I see this all the time with a performer. They're good at maybe charming or meeting or connecting. And then after a week or a month or 3 months together, the mask's gotta start to come off, right? Like how long can you keep that performance up? What if you spend the night with that person? What if you live together? Are you gonna keep that performance up? And then it's like, and this mounting fear starts to rise. And the core of that fear is they're gonna see all of me, the real me, the not-on-me, and that's gonna be the death of it. And that's such a painful story. It's terrifying because then it forces you into more performance, which is dis— then you're disconnected. And I lived in this for a number of years and I was trying to learn how to have intimacy and connection, and it was suffering because I'd have this woman next to me who's like, I like you, I love you, I want to hang out with you. And I'm like playing the role, like, hi, I like you and love you too. But inside I'm like I'm dying, I'm anxious and I gotta get away and I don't know why, but I don't wanna act on that. I tell a story about this in my book, "Not Nice," where I'm in this park with this beautiful woman. We're having a picnic on a nice Saturday. If you had asked me a couple years before that, like, "Hey, what if you could date this woman? She looks like this, she's got this beautiful heart, she's smart, she's gorgeous, she's loving, and she's hanging out on a picnic bench with you. She would love to hang out with you. She'll have sex with you tonight. She's into you. Wouldn't that be amazing?" And you told me that a couple years ago, I'd have been like, "Yeah." And it's like, guess how you're gonna feel? How? You're gonna have a panic attack. Like, oh no, oh, what's that? Why? I did. I had literally, I didn't know what it was at the time. It was a panic attack, like blurry vision things. I'm freaking out. Sense of derealization, depersonalization. I don't know what's going on. I gotta get away. It was the weirdest thing ever. And so I didn't know what to do. I just walked. I was like, I gotta go to the bathroom. And there was a big park, so the bathroom was far away, away. So I like walked to the bathroom, like, like, pull yourself, pull yourself together, man. Come on, what are you doing? And I went to the bathroom and then I came back out and I just like stood there. I kind of paced back and forth. I was like, I can't go back. I can't go back there. I can't. Can I just leave? And I was like, can I just like run? Where are you going to run to? Like, you guys took a car here together. Like, hey, you take my car. I just had to go run into the woods. Like, what are you going to do? Oh, it was terrible. So I went back and put the mask back on and got through it. And that's what the performer does ultimately, is you get through it. And so no matter how much you succeed, how many people love you, how many people like you, how many fans you have or followers online or people who appreciate your work in the professional world, instead of thriving, relishing it, savoring it, fully enjoying your life, experiencing the joy of this moment, this connection, this contribution, this gift, your skills in the world, you just get through it. And then it's at best maybe some relief. Ah, I got through it until the next performance, which is going to be in 5 minutes, right? Imagine like you're in some Broadway show nightmare where you have a performance every hour on the hour forever, right? Yeah, maybe someone wanted to be a Broadway actor and they're like, that's great, I made it, I'm in the big time. What's my first gig? You're going to be in this show. Great, that's amazing, I'm famous. How many times am I going to do it? 24 times a day, every hour on the hour. Oh my God, kill me, right? And that's what the life of a performer can feel like, and it sucks. And the best news possible is it's not permanent. It's not part of your personality. It's not who are. It is a survival strategy that you learned at one point in time to deal with the uncertainty of disapproval. And you've wired up that if someone disapproves of me, that's not safe. If someone disapproves of me, I can't be worthy of love. And so your strategy to become, quote, worthy of love is to perform. But the whole thing is built on a false idea, a false premise. It's not real. You don't have to be this performer, perfect version of you to get love. And the only way to discover that is to defy that voice and bring more of yourself out. And the only way to do that is to train your nervous system in a very specific way. You can't just tell yourself, shut up and be more you, everyone's gonna like it, just go for it. I'm sure you've tried that. And maybe we feel like that's true when we're alone in our bedroom and we're like, yeah, yeah, tomorrow I'm gonna be me, let it all hang out. And then you get in that social situation, get in that work meeting the next day, and buttoned up, performance mode kicked in, observing self. Okay, you're doing it right, don't do this, say this, act like this. Boom, just overrides. That's the pattern at work. And that's why we need to systematically train ourselves bit by bit how to fundamentally shift this. And it involves a mixture of action, exposure, training of the nervous system to really find a sense of safety inside and worth inside so you can bring all of you out into the world. And you want to find out your approval type and how to shift this. What are the 3 steps of that core training of the nervous system? How do we fundamentally change these patterns? How are people who've lived with this for 20, 30, 40 years radically changing these patterns? I I show exactly how and give you pathways to do it. Go to www.draziz.com. Take the 2-minute quiz to find out your approval type. And then there's a longer training you can follow that will guide you through exactly the steps. And if you want to take it even further and learn more about me and how I work with people, how we work in an in-depth, highly structured, highly transformative mastermind program called the Unstoppable Confidence Mastermind, which has been running for 10 years, at this point, and how we're systematically getting results for people again and again and again regardless how long this pattern is run. You can find out about that on my website as well under the Work With Me tab. So regardless of how long this has been going on, this video is to help you see the pattern. And if you're seeing yourself in this or the ways that you hold back, know that the only reason I can describe all this is from the other side, having broken free and helped thousands of people do the same. So this isn't a video of despair, this is a video of profound liberation. But first you have to see where you're at and the patterns you're running, and And only then can you choose and make a powerful decision right now to change this once and for all in your life.