Dr. Cara explains why "I'm sorry you feel" damages trust and what leaders should say instead. She breaks down the mistake of treating experiences as mere feelings, then offers a framework: identify the emotion, validate it, then address what actually happened. The difference is the difference between dismissing someone and hearing them.
Communication is one of the most essential skills in leadership, and I have been thinking a lot about how we can communicate with people that we lead, that we support, with compassion and also empathy. One of the things I think that people get confused is how do you lean into a situation where someone feels that the situation wasn't fair, it wasn't right, or that a standard wasn't met? And acknowledging what they've been going through, acknowledging their experiences, validating what they are saying, and not minimizing. It's really hard sometimes as a leader because we want to make things right. We want to correct. We want to solve. And what happens is when we're trying to make things right, we're trying to say the right thing, we often do the opposite. And it works in opposition of what our goals are. I have an experience, and it's not necessarily a leadership experience, but it's something that I recently encountered. I have a luxury purse, and on the purse, some of the hardware is turning colors. Now, this purse costs a significant amount of money. It is supposed to be an upscale luxury brand, and I dropped off the purse at a store and asked for it to be repaired. So not only did they email me and say, hey, we acknowledge we received your purse, we're going to repair it, they wanted to charge me $800+ to fix the purse. So they listed all these items that needed to be fixed. My first question was, how are they standing behind their product? You charge all this money for a purse and you don't even want to stand behind your product and fix something that I don't think is a normal wear and tear. If the gold hardware tarnishes and I have multiple purses, I find it hard to believe that that's a part of normal wear and tear. Anyway, long story short, I communicated with my representative that I worked with in the store. She said she would look into it. She basically took her time, Drucker Hills. Now here we are a couple months later. I call the customer service number to check on the status, and they tell me that my bag has been sent back to the store unrepaired. Mind you, I emailed them and told them to move forward with the repairs of fixing the aspects that I wanted to be fixed, and I said I will go ahead and just pay for it because I wanted my purse back. I like— I bought the purse because I like to carry it. One of the things that happened in the communication was this gentleman said I understand that you feel like you have not been treated fairly, or you don't feel like you've been treated with proper customer service that is aligned with a luxury brand. Er, I feel? I said, wait a minute, it's not a feeling. This is my experience, and my experience is real and valid. So I know you're trying to help me, and I'm definitely showing you grace, and I want you to understand, when you tell me that I feel something, it's subjective. And the reality is, this is what's happened. I've emailed, I've communicated, there's been a major ball drop— not on my side, on the side of your organization, your company. So it was very interesting because then it made me think about leadership and times where people have come to me and they feel a certain way, or they express a thought, and then I often have thought It was a feeling. And I know the difference between feelings and thoughts, but sometimes we misconstrue the two. And it's really critical in leadership, especially where there's a power differential, that we know how to communicate in a way that tells you the difference or that delineates the two. Because when you tell somebody you're sorry that they feel that way, that invalidates their experience. It invalidates their thoughts. It invalidates their feelings. And so it's really important to differentiate feelings versus thoughts and experiences. And that's something that came to mind in regards to leadership, because when we say that we want to honor and support people, one of the things that we have to do is hear, is to listen, and to connect. So the first thing I want you to do when somebody is coming to you with a complaint, with an egregious event or something that's on top of mind that is not very pleasant is lean into what is it that the person is saying and listen. One, that's where you receive. Take a beat, perceive what are they actually saying. Make sure you differentiate. Did they say, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm angry, I'm frustrated? Or did they tell you experiential what happened? If they told you what happened, make sure you don't say— I'm sorry you feel, because again, that minimizes what somebody has experienced. So from somebody who's experienced it on the receiving end and someone that is consistently trying to support the people that I lead, I want to share with you a smooth, easy way to differentiate. And that is recognizing the words that people are saying. Again, happy, mad, sad, scared, Frustrated, angry, overwhelmed. Those are feelings. Acknowledge the feelings, validate the feelings, and then the experience is really what people most often want you to connect with. They want to know they are heard. They want to know that you understand this is an experience that they have encountered that is not pleasant. And in doing that, that is where you can fortify your connection and Respond with intention. So that's a little tip that I thought about for the day, and I look forward to connecting with you soon.
