Dr. Cara explains how leaders stop reacting to others' judgments by using a "receive, perceive, and respond" framework that starts with self-compassion. She shares how she handled an employee's off-topic question by examining her own feelings first, then gave feedback that was both clear and kind, protecting both the mission and the person.
Most leaders want to be liked. The reality is you got to like yourself first. Being in leadership is often challenging because we are worried about what other people are thinking of us. And the reality is people are going to have their opinions, but the opinion that matters most is the one that you hold of yourself. So when something happens, I ask you to reflect and look and see, what do I really feel about what's happening in this moment? And am I judging myself Am I treating myself nicely? Am I forgiving myself? Because if you're not, what happens is you are teaching others around you that you will not forgive them. You will not show them grace, and you will not help them get to the other side of whatever the challenge is. Commitment has to come to yourself first. You have to lead yourself before you can lead others. So I ask you to lean into the receive, perceive, and respond method. This is the method that helps you take what you're experiencing and navigate through it from a space of grounded intention, not a reaction. Why is this important? Because when we are able to move forward with a grounded, intentional response instead of reaction, then we're able to navigate the challenges or the difficulties or the feelings that we're feeling prior and we're able to focus more on the goal instead of the emotion that has consumed us. We are all feeling emotions, and sometimes that emotion is confusing and we don't even know what we're feeling. So the important part of all of this is when you are leading, you must lead yourself first. You have to stop trying to worry about everybody else's views, opinions, and feelings and worry about yours first. That means pay attention to your body. Where are you feeling whatever's happening? Because people are going to say things that are going to knock you off your disc. They're going to knock you off of your square. They're going to knock you out of alignment. It is your job to see when it's coming and catch it. Pay attention on the inside. What is it showing you? I can remember a time where I was leading and I was in a room with A lot of people. We had a meeting and one of my employees raised their hand to ask a question to the person who was speaking. We all knew that this person sometimes would ask questions that were a little off base. And so my insides clenched tight and I felt them inside. Oh man, my shoulders were tight. I was clenching my jaw and everybody was looking at her as she asked the question and I was so nervous. Because you know what, this person was on my team and I did not want to be looked at as a fool because this is somebody on my team asking a question that had nothing to do with nothing. Sure enough, the question was asked and I was mortified. Whatever the question was, it was totally out of context and it was not necessarily appropriate. I was so worried that people who are watching were going to think, oh, she's on Cara's team. So now they were going to think, because she was on my team, that I have the same views or had the same questions or did not know how to stay aligned with the topic or context at hand. This is something that had me feeling mortified and devastated for days until I finally leaned into what was the most important thing here and how do I address the person who's saying things that are off base. What I leaned into was, what did I value? And I valued as being seen as a good leader. Where the definition came that what my employees said represented me and my value as a leader, I have no clue. So I had to really think about who told me this and why do I believe it? And as I started leaning into what that was, I realized I had held onto something that wasn't even true. Now what I felt, being mortified, horrified, and frustrated by what this person had said, that was real. However, the definition and the meaning I was making, I don't even know where it came from. So I think the reality is, shall I say, the lesson I received from that moment was it's okay to feel the way you feel and also lean into why you feel the way you feel. Now let's take it a step further. I had to meet with the person because this was the first time that they did that, and I never want to stifle someone else's curiosity. I want to make sure that I am encouraging growth, encouraging question asking, encouraging people wanting to explore whatever it is that's top of mind. That being said, I would be remiss not to bring it to the person's attention that they were raising questions in a context and environment in a manner that wasn't necessarily appropriate for the time. And really highlighting there's a time and a place. Oh man, I remember I was devastated when I had to go talk to this person. However, I leaned into what I knew about them. I knew that they wanted to be seen as someone who also showed up in excellence. So what I did was shared my observation and shared that outcome that I saw. They were so appreciative. And I was so appreciative that I shared with them what I had saw. I think of an analogy sometimes. When you're sitting in front of somebody, they can see what's coming behind you before you can, just like you can see what's coming behind them before they can. And I think as leaders, sometimes we forget that we have visibility that the other person doesn't have. And so it's really important when we see things that are not within their line of sight and is going to compromise them, compromise their role, compromise the mission and the job, it's our responsibility to say something. And it doesn't have to mean that we're not going to be supportive, we're not going to be kind in our delivery. It means we have to be clear and direct because one of the things that I learned throughout my training from Brené Brown is to be clear is to be kind. That's what's really important, to be clear, because it's not fair to someone who you are supporting as a leader to not be given information that you've seen that can not only help them but can also bring awareness to something that they may have a blind spot to. And I found that that's most often what's happening when we are seeing something that our employee doesn't. So I invite you to think of a time or think of an opportunity where you can lean into being clear and being kind.
