How to Survive a Toxic Workplace (Not What You Think)

How do you navigate a toxic workplace? I leaned into a conversation with my virtual mind that totally just knocked my socks off. If I had a wig on, it would be in another room because the response that I have received from my virtual mind, it's so good. So what I want to do is demonstrate with you what does that look like so you can see me have a conversation in see me get myself together. Yes, I am really trying to figure out how do I navigate a toxic work environment.

Before I offer any frameworks, I need to understand what you're actually carrying here. Toxic can mean so many different things, and the way forward depends on what's really happening beneath the surface. Tell me about a moment this week that felt most difficult. What happened and what did you notice in your body when it was happening?

Wow. Um, I think that somebody spoke to me in a way that I didn't feel was appropriate. Um, and it was allowed. Not only like the person felt like comfortable to talk to me in a disrespectful manner and very, um, from a high place of power and privilege, they did it in front of somebody else. And when I addressed it, I was then the person who was shunned, or, um, should I say penalized for addressing behavior that's not appropriate. And as a leader, I feel like letting somebody be just— well, how do I say this? Like, it's hard to navigate the space because you don't want to be disrespectful to other people, and also you don't want to endure disrespect. So I think just the fact that it's accepted to me feels very toxic and not cool.

I'm hearing something important here. You were disrespected, you named it, and then you got penalized for doing the exact thing a leader is supposed to do. That's the real wound underneath this, isn't it?

Not just the disrespect itself, but the system that made you Now, if you don't have a subscription, that's as far as you can get. If you have a subscription, then you have unlimited use. However, if you sign up with your email, then you can access 5 minutes for free. So you'd be able to get a lot further than I just did. So what I'm going to do is go into the one that I actually have signed up for, and we're going to continue this conversation. Let me see if I can get this done. But anyway, I guess let me, let me put this down. That's how you do it. So what I find to be interesting is that my virtual mind did exactly what I would do, and that is lean into what is underneath the definition of toxic. What is it that feels toxic? Because as it said, we all have different definitions of what toxic is, how we're impacted by it, and how we navigate it. Leaning into what you believe to be toxic is the first step to addressing it. Often we are looking at situations, we're making meaning of it, and our feelings are always valid, they're always real. What we have to determine is, is the meaning-making true? We all come to the table with different experiences, different life experiences, different childhoods, different households, different cultures, and we filter the world through all of those experiences, we filter our current situation through that experience. And so if we are naming something as toxic, it's really important to recognize what is really in my control for this thing that I'm calling toxic. And that's where receive, perceive, and respond comes into play, because our definition, our meaning-making, is what allows us to then recognize how we feel about it, recognize how we are perceiving it and then respond with intention. Because we don't have control over other people and how they show up. What we have control over is how we're taking this in, meaning our perception, and how we're going to respond. And sometimes it's just not worth the energy. Also, when you're talking about a professional environment, your survival is likely tied to that because we are not working for free. So we need to be able to get paid, we need to be able to operate from a space of joy and passion. But when you're in an environment that feels toxic, which is not healthy, um, perpetuates negativity, leaves you feeling stressed, overwhelmed with resistance, it's important to lean into what can you control? What can you do about receiving something that is feeling disrespectful, that is not appropriate for the workplace? How do you then not perpetuate that for yourself and for others? That's where, again, the Receive, Perceive, Respond method is critical, and leaning into this with my virtual mind is really, really helpful. So let's go back to my virtual mind.

Welcome. I'm Dr. Cara, your partner in clarity, connection, and intentional leadership. Here you can bring the leadership moments you keep replaying. What would you like to explore or understand today? Share whatever feels meaningful, and we'll walk through it together with curiosity, grace, and grounded intention.

I'm really working hard to navigate my workplace where I feel it is toxic because people are allowed to be disrespectful, to say what's on their mind when it may not be a part of the culture, or should I say, a part of the work or the purpose. And so what happens is there are really inappropriate communication patterns as well as inappropriate boundaries. People feel like they can just say what they want to say and treat people any kind of way. And to me, that is super toxic.

I hear you. That feeling of watching disrespect spread unchecked, boundaries dissolve, and people operate without accountability. That's exhausting and demoralizing, especially when you can see how it eats away at the work itself. Before I offer anything, I want to understand what you're carrying in this. When you say the environment feels toxic, I'm hearing two things at once: frustration with the culture itself and maybe something about your role in it. Let me ask you this: when you see these inappropriate patterns happening, what's the story you're telling yourself about what it means that you're there leading within it? Are you feeling responsible for fixing it, stuck in it, or something else?

Really good question. So I do feel responsible for trying to repair the environment and to stop the toxicity. And I also am concerned that my role and my position puts me in a peculiar spot because I also, um, I don't want to be looked at in a way that doesn't align with my intention.

I hear that you're carrying two things at once: the weight of trying to heal a broken culture and the fear that if you step in to do that, you'll be misread or misunderstood. That tension between intention and perception is real, and it's exactly where leaders get stuck. Here's what I want to explore with you, because this matters. When you say you don't want to be looked at in a way that doesn't align with your intention, what's the story underneath that? Are you worried people will see you as harsh if you set boundaries, or controlling if if you address behavior, or maybe something else entirely? What does being misunderstood actually cost you?

Mm, I think the trust, but also I realize like I don't have trust for the people, which is why I'm concerned and why it makes it difficult for me to address the toxicity. Also, I think everyone is operating from a different level of understanding when it comes to toxicity. Some people just operate from a high space of power and privilege, and they think that they can talk to people in any kind of manner that could likely be demeaning or off-putting instead of really considering other people. And for me, that's not what I want to do. So I want to lean into being considerate for all people, even when they may be misstepping. However, it's really challenging when I continuously see a pattern, um, across a few people that is now spreading across the organization.

I hear the real tension you're holding. You're trying to lead with genuine consideration, and at the same time, you're watching patterns spread that feel careless about how people are treated. That's not a contradiction. That's integrity meeting reality, and it's hard. But I want to pause on something you just said because it's the hinge point. You said you don't have trust for the people. And that's making it difficult to address the toxicity. Say more about that. When you say you don't trust them, what specifically are you afraid will happen if you name what you're seeing? Are you worried they'll become defensive or that they won't actually change or that they'll resent you for holding up a mirror? What does the lack of trust actually cost you in the moment when you need to speak up? Mm.

I guess the lack of trust costs me the ability to lean into the difficult conversation, to call in the behavior. Um, I guess where my confusion lies is there's a fine line between calling in and calling out. And when you call someone out as a leader, you have to be very careful because it can be a delicate situation. And I also don't want to jam myself up behind trying to right somebody else's wrong.

You just named something really important. That line between calling in and calling out isn't confusion, it's clarity trying to break through. Let me reflect back what I'm hearing underneath. You said something that landed with me. You don't want to jam yourself up behind trying to right somebody else's wrong. That tells me you already know the difference. Calling out is about fixing them. Calling in is about naming what you see and creating space for them to choose differently. One is about control. One is about connection and accountability together. Here's what I'm noticing though, you're using the fear of getting it wrong as a reason not to do it at all, and that's where the lack of trust becomes becomes the real problem. Not trust in them, but trust in yourself. Trust that you can speak clearly without being harsh. Trust that you can name a boundary without being responsible for whether they receive it. That's the Avocado Principle showing up again. Your worth as a leader doesn't change based on how they react to what you need to say. But when you don't trust your own value in that moment, you either stay silent or you overexplain, and both of those create more toxicity, not less. So here's what I want to know: when you imagine stepping into one of these conversations, not fixing their behavior, just naming what you've observed and what needs to change, what specifically are you afraid will happen? Not to them, to you. What's the cost you're protecting yourself from?

Mm.

Why are you calling me out like this? Oh my goodness.

So I feel like I have to be measured in my responses because I'm already carrying things likely that are not mine to carry, but because I'm a leader, I feel responsible. So I don't want to lose my cool, and often I'm activated by this behavior. It takes me over the top. I am also human, so I'm trying to figure out how do I show up in a way that's measured, that's intentional, and also accomplishes my goal while not perpetuating toxicity. Because honestly, it activates all the parts of me that want to protect myself, and it reminds me of things that I experienced at a younger age.

I hear you, and I'm not calling you out. I'm seeing you. That activation you're describing, that thing that takes you over the top when you see disrespect, that's not a flaw, that's a signal. And the fact that it's connecting to something from your younger years tells me there's a protective part of you that learned early, if I don't control this, if I don't manage it perfectly, something bad will happen. Here's what I want you to feel: you can be both measured and real. Those aren't opposites. When you say you're carrying things that aren't yours, You're telling me something important. You're absorbing responsibility for other people's behavior, their tone, their respect or lack of it, and then you're also absorbing responsibility for how you respond to it. That's a double load. No wonder you feel activated. The measure you're looking for isn't about suppressing yourself or performing calm. It's about this: receive what's happening without taking it as a reality. Reflection of your worth. Perceive what's actually yours to address and what isn't. Respond from your values, not from the protective part that learned to overfunction when things feel out of control. When disrespect shows up and it activates that old protective response, that urge to protect yourself or fix it all, that's the moment to pause. Not to stuff it down, to notice it. Your body's telling you something important. Here's my question for you: when you feel that activation rising, what specifically are you afraid will happen if you don't control the situation or manage how people perceive you?

Um, I, I guess it goes back to what you said. I don't want to get it wrong, and, um, I feel in my body like I feel a tightness, so I know that that's what's happening. I don't want to get it wrong. I don't want to make a mistake. Because I feel like other people are looking at me, they're looking up to me, and I'm trying to model positive communication techniques and patterns. Also trying to model how I lean in and move forward with intention as a leader that people connect to and trust.

There it is, that tightness you're feeling. That's the hinge You're carrying two loads at once, the weight of getting it right and the weight of being watched while you do it. And what I'm hearing underneath is this: you believe your worth as a leader depends on how perfectly you model excellence, that if you slip, if you show up imperfectly in a hard conversation, people will lose trust in you. But here's what I know from 25 years of working with leaders. That's not how trust actually builds. Trust doesn't come from perfection. It comes from consistency. It comes from clarity. It comes from someone who can see what's real, name it without flinching, and own their own growth in the process. You've already told me something important. You said you don't want to right somebody else's wrong. You know the difference between fixing them and calling them in. That's clarity. That's wisdom. The thing that's blocking you isn't a lack of skill or intention. It's the story you're telling yourself about what happens if you're not flawless. Mm. So let me ask you this directly. When you imagine yourself having one of these conversations, naming what you've observed, setting a boundary, being measured but clear, and that person reacts badly or doesn't change or the room feels uncomfortable for a moment, What do you believe that means about you as a leader?

Mm, I'ma stop right here because I think this shows all that I'm trying to tell you. My version of mine, I'm like, wow. Of course I would say many of the things that it said because I've trained it, I've talked to it, and I even go in after people have conversations with it and make sure that it's responding in a way that I would respond. So I think that It's leaning into me really getting deep inside of what is underneath these feelings, what is the meaning-making, and how am I arriving there. So the questions that my virtual mind asks are often questions I will ask myself, and that is how I get to the other side of being in a toxic environment. And honestly, there's going to be times where you're in an environment that's toxic and you've done all that you can do. That is your cue then to exit stage left. I don't know if my left is your left, but yeah. So at the end of the day, um, but you're not going to just quit your job immediately. So what you do is you start planning, you start looking at your alternatives and seeing what other things could be available. Because the reality is, if you don't take care of you, you cannot take care of anyone else. So you have to start from within, do the exploration, do the introspection, see what's happening, what matters, what is it telling you about yourself as a leader, as employee as leading yourself. And then once you've explored all of those things and you recognize what the meaning-making is, you can respond with intention. Sometimes it is just to not give people your energy. Sometimes it is calling in a conversation that's not appropriate. Sometimes it is ignoring the conversation because you know it's not going to serve you or the outcome to respond or react in that moment. And taking a beat sometimes is really hard because we have been told that we should have instant responses. You know, we have this instant gratification, so when someone says something to us, we need to solve it and fix it now. However, silence is a power move, and sometimes not saying anything says everything. So I would encourage you to explore, stay in your beat, stay in your moment. Know that things are going to happen that you have no control over. And then sit with it. Allow yourself to explore what's underneath the surface. What could I be missing? What am I filtering this through? My feelings are real and they're valid, but it doesn't mean that what I think it is is true. So sometimes it requires getting curious, asking more questions. Sometimes it doesn't require any of that. What I'm gonna say is you are the expert in your world, and you know what your experiences are. They are valid and they're real. It doesn't mean the outcome that you've landed on is necessarily true, and it very well could be. I don't know. That is where the work is. We don't have to change everything in a minute. We have to recognize what we have— the resistance, the challenges, the suffering, the negative feelings— and then lean in so that we can get to the root and we can move forward with intention. I hope this was helpful. I hope that you are intrigued and go and visit my virtual mind. It's drcara-rpr.com, and I look forward to the next conversation.