The Leadership Struggle We Never Admit (It’s Grief)

Grief is something that we often don't acknowledge as leaders. I think about times where I have had to experience significant change, which included loss, not necessarily someone who passed away from the physical being in the space, but someone who disappeared from the workplace because they moved on. I'm at a really significant crossroad, and I think that it makes me lean into what is Grief and how can it show up when you're a leader, when you're impacted in a professional space. And I think that we often forget that we can grieve something that's not a physical person. We can also grieve people moving on. That's what our job is as leaders, to help other people elevate and expand, which likely includes moving on. From within your leadership span. So as I think about grief, I lean into all of the times that I've experienced significant change. You see, I've been very fortunate to do a lot of things in my life as far as my career is concerned. I worked in hospitals. I've been a social worker supporting people experiencing chronic illness. I've done home health. I've done private practice. I actually started a clinic Where it was just myself. And then I grew it to over 50 employees and serving 3 locations. So I know what it feels like to elevate and expand and also to change because I no longer do those things. And every time I moved on from what I had done before, I experienced grief. I don't know that I knew to name it that, but I can specifically remember deciding that I no longer wanted to do the clinic, um, I no longer wanted to stay in the business of having outpatient behavioral health clinic because at that time there were so many changes. Lots of changes in pay sources, lots of changes in the structure and how services were to be delivered. And my goal was always to be an added value. If I can't add value, I don't want to do it. And so there was a time where I realized that what was being asked was not necessarily aligned with what was being offered so that the operations, the business, the quality of care could be sustained at the level that was necessary to support the lives of others in meaningful ways. I decided I didn't want to do it anymore, and I had 50 people who were looking at me every other week to get their paycheck. It was not something that I took lightly. And what I didn't take lighter than that was the opportunity to have real impact and make a change in people's lives. So I had to lean into what is this really about and what do I really want to accomplish? Because we only get one time on this earth here to do the things that we do. And I wanna make sure that I'm moving forward with intention and purpose and having the maximum impact on improving and supporting the lives of others. And when I realized that this was at significant— it was at a significant— what's the word? It was in jeopardy of being able to be actualized. I realized that was not what I signed up for. And so I made a very difficult decision and I chose to terminate the services that were being offered. Now, I did it in an ethically and responsible way. I notified people, gave them time to find other jobs. I even connected them with other people within the community because I wanted people to be okay. And I wasn't okay because I got into the work because of who I am. I'm passionate. I want to impact change. I love supporting elevation, growth, and expansion. So I say all this to say that when you expect something to be a certain way and you arrive at a space that it's not, which is what happened to me, I always thought, I graduate, I'm gonna lead something, I'm gonna change the world. And yes, I think I impacted positively lots of lives and even would venture to say that lives were changed as a result of the work that I had done and the work that I had led. Because again, I couldn't do anything without the team that supported me. But I say all this to say, it wasn't what I thought it would be. I was compromising what was happening in my own household. My family was going with their needs not being met by me because I was focusing so much on meeting the needs of the community and other people. And one of the things I vowed that would not happen as I decided to be in a profession that was designed to help others was that I would not let my house go unserved and unsupported. So when I made the choice to no longer do what I was doing, it wasn't only about the services that were being watered down And not adding values to the community. It was also— so it was that, and it was also about what was happening in my own household. What was the impact on my children, on my family, when I was constantly looking at a cell phone, constantly responding to calls, and I was there but not really there because I was so worried and intertwined into my business? So I had to make a decision, and I made a very difficult decision that knocked me to the ground. I closed the clinic. It was unheard of, unfathomable for most people because I have broke into an area where many people had not. And not to mention, I don't even think I was 30 years old. I was super young. Maybe I was 30, but long story short, I had done something that a lot of people had not been able to do. And me walking away from it not only spoke, but it spoke volumes. For me, it spoke volumes to my value and my worth not being attached to my outcomes and what I deliver and what I provide. It leaned into standing in my values, holding up my morals, which is to be an added value to communities, to add, not detract. And so when I got to a space where I realized that wasn't what was happening, making a choice to no longer do it, yeah, it sounded good in theory, but the other side of that, it was so tough because I had built something from scratch. I had pulled people in who helped me to build something fantastic, something very high regarded. I mean, I was speaking to people across the state about what it was I was doing. I was being called on to do that. And to say, I no longer wanna do it, was really challenging. And I had to grieve the loss of what I thought that could be. I had to grieve the loss of the identity I had created as a result. of owning that business and growing that business. I had to face my fears about what other people would think, and I had to stand firm and tall and knowing my value and my worth. I learned to show myself grace, and it was a very, very important time for me to do so because without grace, I don't know that I could be sitting here now. And let me tell you, I did what I needed to do, and it took me time. I held space. I allowed myself to go through the motions. And it lingered for a while because as we know, grief is not linear. It can come and go and the cycle can evolve at different spaces and places, especially when things are not fully healed. So when I moved into my next phase of my career, I decided to do something still on a grand scale, but not within the structure where it was just me. I had a larger structure in which I operated and I noticed as I would move from position to position, I would experience grief again. So I'm bringing this all to you because I want to make sure when you're experiencing change that you show yourself grace, that you recognize change is difficult and it's not comfortable. However, our greatest opportunity for growth is through discomfort and often through change. So while we may want to hold on and anchor ourselves to something that we know and that's familiar, It doesn't mean that it's gonna support or elevate our path in our journey. So allow yourself to grieve when that one employee who was the high performer that you supported to no end takes another job, because guess what? Your job is done. They've elevated and expanded, but it's okay to grieve the loss of that person. Or when you leave a job that you really enjoyed and you love the people that you worked with, you had strong connections, And it's time to move on because you're at a crossroads. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to grieve what it was and pay attention and accept what it is. And it's also okay to lean into the change that comes when it's not what it was and you recognize what it is, because that is really where the rubber meets the road. Sometimes we have to adapt. We have to shift in how we show up. And sometimes we have to call it, meaning It's no longer for me or for you, and that's not an easy space to be. So I'm encouraging everyone to show themselves grace when you are encountering change. Don't forget that thing that we call grief can show up and it can appear like a stork delivered a baby to your doorstep. I want you to recognize that's not what happened. You made connections, you made an impact, you had a role and a title, and those things were important. to you, and they can still be important to you, and you can accept where you're at, and you can accept the growth that comes with it, and you can still grieve. You see, this isn't a this or that. This is a this and a that. And finding your way in between is going to be the key to moving forward with intention, with purpose, with passion, and with joy. So when you grieve, don't beat yourself up. Just allow yourself to recognize this ain't what I thought it was, and that's okay. But what I can do is stand firm in my agency and make choices for myself. Either pivot and change how I'm showing up, or maybe have a new choice and a new path and explore that. Send you much love, compassion, and support. Wishing you a wonderful day until the next time. And if you need somebody to support you through the process of grief that you are experiencing in your leadership role, or you're not quite sure where this is coming from, I have a resource that's available to you 24/7. It's my virtual mind, and you can access it at the link below.