Dr. Cara explains why leaders soften difficult feedback to avoid their own discomfort, which stops people from growing. She offers a receive-perceive-respond framework for honest conversations that account for power differences, and argues that uncomfortable talks are where real development happens.
You know the times where you have to give some feedback and you are not quite sure how to do it because they have hit your everlasting nerve. I've had that happen multiple times. And what I want to talk about today is how do we lean into a conversation that's difficult when somebody has worked our nerve, especially when you are a leader and there's a power differential. This came up for me because I was listening to an audiobook by Brené Brown, and she was doing an interview with Jenny Clarke. One of the things that resonated with me was talking about giving feedback to people and being very clear. Often we want to, what my good friend, actually one of my best friends, calls soft shoe it, meaning we want to create a space where people will not be uncomfortable. But the reality is, it's not that we don't want them uncomfortable, we don't want to be uncomfortable. And so what Brené Brown said that kind of knocked my socks off. I'm not going to read it because I don't want to mess it up, but, um, she leaned into the complexity that exists when you are standing in grounded confidence and you also are giving what can be perceived as tough feedback. And what she said is this can be like really complicated because the givers of feedback privilege their own comfort over other people's growth. And then they pretend that they're protecting people by not making them feel uncomfortable. And it just made me think about when we soft shoe it, when we are trying to create a space where people are comfortable, that we are likely doing that for ourselves because we don't want to sit with the discomfort that comes along with the perceived thought, situation, or notion that we are making somebody else uncomfortable. The reality is, as leaders, that's our job, because the greatest opportunity for growth sits at that edge. When you're uncomfortable, that's where you have the greatest opportunity to grow. And so what we have to do as leaders is cultivate a culture where being uncomfortable It's not a bad thing. And also that we lean into a conversation to get to the other side. I will say, as leaders, there is a power differential and we have to name that, and we have to try to flatten it to the degree possible and not ignore that it exists. So when you lean into a conversation as a leader, it's really important that you not only acknowledge the power differential, acknowledge what you see, be honest, clear, and show some compassion, but attuned to what the individual is going through. What do you know about them, and where could you be wrong? Where may you be missing something? Because whatever it is that they're doing, the lack of performance or the missteps or whatever is causing you to have to communicate with them about what they may not have done, that's appropriate or that meets the bar or the standard of their role, of their responsibilities. It's likely important to lean into where are they in that moment and what is going to be the most effective in getting the outcome that you're looking for. So I would ask you, what is the outcome that you hope to accomplish? And when you talk to the individual, what can you do as a leader to support them in understanding where the challenge lies and what is necessary for them to overcome it? And what can you do to support them? Also, what does it mean about you as a leader when somebody doesn't perform on your team? Because see, I once used— I once, I was like, used to— I once believed that whatever my employees did or whatever was happening or whatever outputs of the, whatever outputs my team produced was a direct reflection of me as a leader. And the reality is some of those things are true. However, I do not control other people. What I control is myself and how I take things in and how I intentionally respond. So if someone's not delivering and the work has to get done, I could step in and do it myself. But then what happens? I overwhelm myself, I'm stressed out, and it erodes the relationships that I have with people instead of calling them in, communicating with them, and sharing, hey, this is what I'm seeing, help me understand, help me understand what is underneath this, help me understand what is getting in the way of accomplishing this. Let's go over the expectations, let's go over the outcomes, let's go over the job and what you have committed to engage in. And let me see where I can be more supportive. Let me see how I can help you to get to the other side. This requires me to be able to step outside of ego, outside of what I think it should be or why I think I'm right, and lean into what I could be missing. And that's all the middle step of my receive, perceive, respond method. The reality is, if the job's not getting done, that's facts. And if they haven't delivered, that's a fact too. Now, I've heard somebody tell me that they get frustrated because they see the potential that someone else has and they want to pull the person along. And what I would encourage anyone who feels that way to explore is what makes you think you need to pull somebody along? Because everybody is not in the same place or space. And everyone does not want to score a 5 out of a 5 on their performance review. If a 3 is the standard and a 3 is acceptable, perhaps they're okay with that, because 3 does not mean you're not doing a bad job. However, a lot of people want to get the 5, and if you want to get a 5, you assume somebody else wants to receive a 5. But that may not be where their priorities lie. Their priority may lie in giving the job done, and that's okay. They may not get it done the way you would get it done, but they are getting it done at the level in which they were hired to get it done. They're satisfactory. It's not a bad thing. Now, if they're below satisfactory, that's another conversation. So tuning again to what is important to the individual— they may have a family at home, they may have other priorities outside of particular role, but if they are delivering what they are assigned and they're delivering what they were hired to do, then that is something to take into consideration. So what I ask you to do is explore, explore what is really important. What makes you think they have to deliver the way that you delivered? Because the reality is everybody ain't going to be you. Everybody's not going to be me. But what they can do is be themselves and show up at the level in which they have agreed. And if they're not doing that, that's what we have to get clear. And if they're doing that and they expect you to give them a 5, uh, I don't think so. Make it make sense. And that's a conversation. And we can do that in a way that is compassionate and also empathetic and also extends support and grace. And also, we're not going to tell somebody the sky is purple when it's clearly blue. We're not going to tell somebody the sun is shining when it's pretty gray and there's thunderstorms out. So we have to show up from an authentic space. We have to create an environment where communication is fostered, cultivated from an authentic space, and we also have to keep it a buck. So that's the tip that I have for the day. Keep it authentic, be yourself, and also attune and connect, but recognize when you are having a conversation with somebody and you are their supervisor and what you think matters on their performance and their potential pay increases, you have to know that that is going to weigh on the other person. So how can you approach the conversation from a space or from a place where they're going to receive it? And if they think that they're performing and they think that they're operating at a 5 and they're not, Where can you lean into a conversation that may feel really uncomfortable for you and may also be uncomfortable for the other person, but it will be respected and it will be appreciated? Because again, our job as leaders is to help people lean into their growth edge and help them elevate and expand. All right. I look forward to our next conversation and thank you.
