Helping Without Becoming the Household Help Desk

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Tracy, and I'm wondering how many times you have said I shouldn't have to tell you this when it comes to navigating something in the house or the mental load. And if you were sitting across from me, you would see me raise my hand because I have been there. And I was there just recently on the weekend when my husband came to me and said, have you seen my hat? And, and if it's not his hat, it's his keys or the wallet. And now I've noticed even my kids do it. It's a fun joke between everyone in the family where mom knows where everything is. And I can always name where it is. But the truth is these are these small moments in the household where energy is being taken from me and it's asking me to step into everyone else's face. And by the end of all of that, I'm the one left overwhelmed. I've heard some people describe this like renting mom's brain or energy withdrawals. And I really resonate with that because anytime someone asks you to solve something or to make a decision, you are then having to stop what you're doing to enter into what they're doing, emotionally invest or give time to invest in their problem. And then it's again leading you to feel overwhelmed, like everything is on you. And I think what's important to understand about this is that it's often not just one question. It's the multiple questions, the multiple times throughout the day. Do you know where this is? Have you seen that? What are we doing for this? It's this constant withdrawal from your partner's brain. Now here's the other tricky piece. For many couples, this is a pattern where they're already on autopilot and if you haven't yet, go back and listen to my autopilot episode. Greg steps in with me and shares all about what leads him to be in this mode and how he gets stuck and what people can do to actually practice getting out of it. Because here's the pattern. There's an action which is the question, the ask the I'm coming to you for something. And then there's the reaction that's you stepping in, solving, giving the answer the have you looked here or here? Let me go look for it. And then it's becoming this self fulfilling or self feeding cycle around and around because every time you do it, they learn you are there to do it for them. And so on this day specifically when he came looking for his hat, I had said, hey love, did you look anywhere first before you asked me? And it was this aha moment for him that he had defaulted into autopilot, asking me for that help without doing it himself. And I can remember earlier days in our relationship where he would lose his keys and I would then spend 15 minutes invested in finding his keys. I would then become frustrated because why does he always lose his keys and then I have to find them when the truth is I didn't have to find them. I was choosing to participate in solving his problem. And for the past many years deciding that I no longer want to be the owner of where the keys are, I then step out of that solution mode and I meet him instead in the frustration that he must be feeling. And I continue to do my task. It's not as a way of saying I'm not going to help you. And if he's in a pinch, he can say I'm really in a pinch, can you come and help me? That's a different story. But in the everyday moments I'll say, ah, that must be really frustrating. I know you're gonna find them and I will continue to do the task that I'm doing. So when I was thinking about this short bite sized episode here, I want to give you a few things to address this issue, really actionable things that you can do today with your partner so that you don't keep losing the energy in your brain. And if you want more specific Tips for your relationship Join my Weekly Intention. I created the weekly intention to step out all of the noise online on social media. If you're using any chats, I want you to have one specific thing to focus on in your relationship coming from me, Dr. Tracy, so that you can feel closer, more connected and like you're on the same team. I've been creating these weekly intentions since early 2020. This is now the first time that it's available to you outside of my membership program and it is for way less than a cup of coffee a month. I'll put the link in the show notes for you. There's. All right, let's talk about the specific things you can do. I want you to first name the pattern. We can't change anything if we aren't naming it. Bring it to awareness. Don't blame your partner. Talk about this pattern that you get into. Talk about what it means to ask questions. It might sound something like this, hey love, I've noticed that you ask me questions and of course you do because we're partners and we want to support each other. But sometimes when you default to me having the solution, it ends up costing me more energy instead of you solving it on your own. I love adding in here too, that you know that your partner can do these things on their own and that they don't need you to solve them. Next, identify the areas that are regularly asked. Is this a decision based task? Is it a household task? Is it a relationship task? Is it something that they're searching for? Again, we're deepening our awareness for what this sounds like and maybe there's multiple and maybe you only choose one at the moment. If it's like the keys moment or the keys, the wallet, the hat, the sunglasses, maybe you just target that to start. Next, I want you two to create a system together. Coming to the table and saying, how can we solve this together? What system could we put in place? Is it a phone reminder? Okay, let's get at our phones and create the reminder right now for Greg and the keys. We agreed to buy a bowl and keep it at the front and that's where keys go. And if they don't go there, then again I'm not going to be the one that's going to be solving for the keys. But then we know where keys are mutually stored. I know other people get stuck around the dishwasher. Is the dishwasher clean or dirty? Maybe you have a tag that's flipped clean or dirty. Next, you prepare yourself with statements so you step out of that over functioner under functioner dance. Because remember, every time you step into problem solving, every time you answer the question, you solve the thing you give the solution and the fix, they learn that they don't have to do it. Here are some of my Go to I'll say, hey, did you look before you asked me? Maybe you can go do that first. And if you're stuck, I'll be happy to come and help you. The next one I might say is, I know it's really hard when you can't find things when it comes to making decisions. I'll say to Greg, hey, I trust your decision on this. Or I'll say something like, whatever you decide to do, I will be okay with. And I have to remind myself to be okay with that because that's important in there. And then I think the other piece, when it comes to something really tangible in here that you have to do is that that you have to tolerate and be prepared for your partner's reaction to this change and to you not easily giving the answer. And there's a difference between withholding and changing a pattern. We're not stepping into this dance saying, I'm not going to tell you and I'm going to make you work harder. Instead, we're stepping into this saying, I would like to choose where my energy goes so we can feel better and I'm not so exhausted. All right, let me know what you think. Send me a message. Is there one thing that you are going to tackle around your partner? Or renting out your brain space or taking energy withdrawals from your brain? And if today resonated, please send it to someone who you've been talking about tackling the mental load or you're struggling with dividing the invisible and visible labor tasks. Thanks for clicking play today. I'll see you next time.

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