Is It Your Marriage, or Is It September?

This podcast episode is sponsored by Quince. Now that the nights are getting cooler, there's nothing better than getting into a really comfortable bed at the end of the day. Quince has become one of my go-tos for bedding because the quality is just so good. It lasts, and I love the color selection. And Greg and I have completely different sleep needs, so in order for us to sleep in the same bed, I use Quince bamboo sheet sets to help keep me cool. What I love about Quince is they make beautiful hotel-quality bedding in natural materials, from soft European linen to breathable organic cotton. Plus they have quilts, coverlets, and duvet inserts for those extra cozy layers. And everything is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middle person. So you're paying for the quality, not the traditional brand markup. And it's not just bedding. Quince brings that same thoughtful approach to everything they make, from apparel and home essentials to cookware and furniture. We've gotten a few of our favorite clothing pieces from Quince as well. I love Quince's Quince bedding, and I know you will too. Make your bed your favorite place this season with Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com/tracy.

Get free shipping on your order, and their 365-day return makes it so easy to change your mind.

Now available in Canada and the UK. That's quince.com/tracy.

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew— well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, This summer, find more on Facebook. Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance living. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com.

Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go-to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries, in-laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. You know what's changed for me now that we are in the first week of back to school?

Which part?

The change in my capacity.

Tell me more.

I just feel myself already being less patient. Being more reactive.

Continue.

And not giving you the most generous interpretations.

Carry on.

I think this time of year is so tricky because everything that is being fed to you online is about how to help your children transition back to school, and I don't see anyone talking about how to support Your marriage and your relationship to make this change.

Totally. It's so over-indexed for the kids to go back to school. Like, I actually think it's way easier for them to go back to school now. The stuff is so much cooler, stuff is so much more accessible. Like, you know, they don't need the back-to-school outfits like they once did.

Whoa, whoa, I, I like my back-to-school.

Hang on a sec, Hank, don't interrupt me. The athleisure wear, it's so much like You know, it's, you don't need to have your first day dress and all this stuff. I don't know. I think it's cool. But as the avoidant person here, I think it's true. To me, it's like this, it's the summer of avoidance. It's, it's so awesome. It's just like everything, you have a bit more space for everything and stuff can wait. And you've got, to your point, you've got way more capacity. Yes. Kids doing the camps, you're doing the shuffles and that kind of thing. But—

And let's not minimize that.

You have things to look forward to, family vacations, you know, you know, you're going to be typical. Most folks are off for a period of time.

There's vacation in there. There's looser bedtimes. There's no homework. There's way fewer activities. I won't discount the weight of driving across the city for that cool camp, and you have to leave earlier and fill out new forms every Monday. Like, there's, there's an element in the summer that's different. And also too, let's— for— so for us, our kids going to these camps in the summer so that we can work— I know not every child goes to camp, and No, it's a very privileged thing to have. Absolutely. But I think there's this element in the summer that we don't name where there are just these fewer transitions, there's looser bedtimes. Maybe you had vacation, maybe kids are with grandparents, maybe there's— well, we know for sure there's more daylight, and that helps everyone feel better.

I was just going to say, we live in Canada, the weather is so much better. It's more daylight. Everything feels a little bit lighter and easier.

Oh, not having to put on your 10 pounds of layers just to keep yourself warm for the day. But I think there's this truth in here though for so many people, which is there is a reduced number of demands that hits your system.

And therefore your relationship. Is that fair to say?

Absolutely.

Because of course, when we are stressed in life, it doesn't just exist in a silo. That stress, whether it's with kids, with navigating school returns, with work, with maybe you're caring for caregivers, that stress has to go somewhere. And it often lands on your partner, the person who you—

There's healthy outlets and sometimes, unfortunately, your partner takes the brunt of that.

Yes.

And, and I think when it changes, we don't prepare our relationship or we even default into a what's wrong with our relationship.

Yeah.

Rather than being able to see that it was something that was external that was happening and that this might not mean your relationship right now, the stressors like the, the being more reactive, feeling more triggered, the viewing your partner through that negative lens. That doesn't mean your relationship is necessarily failing or it's a mess. It means something has changed. And that's important to look at.

But you see that in your clinical practice too, right? You see the referrals and requests bump way up in September, right?

Absolutely.

It mirrors this, doesn't it?

And I think I'm going to put a plug right here that if you're listening, and this is one of those times where you're feeling like, hmm, something needs to change, don't wait. I see people wait, especially if have benefits that operate on the calendar year. I see people wait until November or sometimes the first week of December wanting services. This is the worst time to come because practitioners don't have openings and then you don't get support. So take this as a plug. This is you now saying, okay, it's time to get support. And we are able to support people across Canada. So if you are looking for more support, you can go to iwtherapy.ca to see our clinicians. We have openings, we have people who have evenings and weekends available, which is just fantastic. So that's iwtherapy.ca.

Yeah, specifically if you're in British Columbia, evening and weekend availability for individuals and couples can be seen very soon. So what shows up for me, some folks are going to have, I think, more obvious disagreements as they transition back to the season. I'm a little bit more on the avoidant side. So for me, it really shows up as being shorter, quicker to frustration, right? I just don't have that bandwidth that I did in the summer. So then it becomes the cycle. So then I get shorter, I get more frustrated, I get shorter with you, I get shorter with the kids. I feel like I'm not getting my needs met. So I'm grumpier. So it does manifest itself differently for different people. But to me, it is a direct correlation to this quote unquote kind of seasonal change. There's just way less margin for error, it seems. So I don't know, you tell me, like, what can couples do? Like, is there something they can do to like prepare for this? By the time they're hearing this, you know, and that transition's already happened, but what can they do in the next week to kind of, if they're in this kind of rut, put a, put a stop to it, for lack of a better term?

Stop assuming the roles that you and your partner are playing and actually sit down and ask each other, how did things go this last week? Use the last week as evidence and a data point, not evidence of who's doing more, right?

Yeah, but it's not keeping score, right?

No.

And I think this is the challenge with mental load and also around a lot of conversations with the mental load, is that one person goes after another person, right? The one person's carrying it all and the other's not, rather than seeing that you are carrying things in a different way and that you do need to come together as a team. So the first thing always is, when it comes to the mental load, it's not you versus me, it's us against the problem. And the problem is, how do we first protect our marriage? How do we second have a week that feels good for all of us knowing the high stress that's showing up between—

Yeah, everything's just changed.

So I think that's a simple check-in. And, you know, I will definitely admit that I defaulted to our roles that worked for us last year, and that's, that's something that's changed. So I did not talk to you about lunch support. Greg makes lunches for the kids. He also does the grocery shopping. Those are the cards you hold amongst many other, but I did not ask you How's lunch making going?

Yeah, sucks because I'm sure parents can relate. I find something that works and I beat it to death.

Oh my love you!

Like these poor kids. Oh, you like bagels? Oh, you're gonna eat fucking bagels for two weeks straight. And then, then, but you and you, you, you do it so beautiful.

You like you, you discovered the kids could eat pasta at lunch, and then you fed them pasta every day for two weeks. And then we couldn't get this pasta.

Here's why this backfires. Because then you have to find the next thing from whole cloth. So I have to find the next pass. This is why it never worked for me. I had to find the next thing that would sustain the next 2 weeks instead of dripping it along. Anyways, total sidebar.

I'm sure everybody— But so the thing is though, I defaulted into that role. I didn't ask you what's going to feel good? How can we do this? Because I think where you are okay making the actual doing of it, I actually enjoy coming up with the ideas. I don't mind doing that. I don't mind finding recipes for dinner, but I don't love making the dinner, right? And so I did not participate in any of that. And that, of course, you felt frustrated and unseen because I didn't even check in with you of how things were going.

No, but having said that, if you and your partner can have that conversation, maybe come to realize like, oh, you know what, I do like, you know, trolling the Pinterest boards for the ideas. And then the husband maybe is like, I don't mind actually making the— or executing it.

Like, Right.

That can really work, but you have to be able to like label it and have those expectations understood.

Like, I think we do that being a tit for tat because it doesn't feel good if you come to me and you say, you don't give me any meal ideas. I have to do all of this by myself. That just puts my defenses up and I don't want to participate then.

No, I know.

But I'm saying if you can kind of come to this agreement that you each have different strengths and kind of work together, which then takes the pressure to what I had said.

You have to find a moment to sit down. Give the kids their screen time. They're going to be so thrilled to have that extra 30 minutes and then be able to talk about, or whatever it is they're at, the activities. You know, they go to the park, they see friends, they have a babysitter, and intentionally do that. This doesn't have to be work or an attack or, oh, I don't want to be those couples that plans everything. No, actually it requires you to actually have to sit down and talk about this.

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and there it was, the bike you'd been searching for. You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew— well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer find more on Facebook.

I think there's an important piece in here that I want us to emphasize, and that is that it's not necessarily just stress that's happening here. I don't, I don't want people to, to listen to us today and think, Oh, our relationship problems are just because of this transition that we're going through. No, that might not be the case because stress can sometimes just amplify something that is already happening, right? And so when I think about the relationship patterns that couples get into, it lives there all the time, but it's just that moment of how loud it is, how pressing that is. And we know come September, come back to school, come All the demands of school. And then also too, in a few weeks now, we're snowballing into holiday season, which happens so fast.

Activities.

Yeah.

And activities on top of that. But there could very well be moments where you're struggling with how to repair, or when one person just disappears when things get busy. And it's not for us to say that nothing is wrong, but instead it's the how do we look at What's happening here and what is maybe the deeper thing that we're struggling with that's showing up.

Yeah. So I think what you're saying is these, these underlying problems don't go away in summer. It just kind of, we give it a pass, it masks it, and then it kind of pops back up.

Absolutely. Or, I mean, there's a few conceptualizations that I have around this. Sometimes it is the, I have more capacity to tolerate things in the summer.

Yeah. The tolerance is higher.

Tolerance is higher. The other flip side of that though is sometimes we are actually just busier. We're busier in life doing things, the nice weather, we're at the parks, we go to the adventures, whatever it is, that we don't slow down to take stock of how are we actually doing. And I do think that this is one of those places where sometimes we are in the middle of the night and we've just had a fight or we've had a difficult moment. And we just need an answer of, how do I share this? What should I do? What's next? And maybe couples therapy is not in reach for you. Maybe your appointment's a few weeks out, but you need support now. And this is why I created Be Connected, which is my online membership community for people who are doing this work. Sometimes they're doing it alone. Sometimes their partner joins in after, which is always really cool to see. But the piece that I love outside of the live calls The courses and videos there to teach you the skills and tools I teach my clients every single day is really the Ask Dr. Tracy, which is trained on my clinical work. So if you are at that 11 PM spot, and you're replaying the conversation, or you're feeling stuck, and your partner's defensive, you can get support right away. And I think what's really cool about this is Dr. Tracy AI does not just tell you that you're right and your partner's wrong. It pokes.

It does poke.

Uncomfortably.

Yeah, it's amazing. It's not a substitute, but man, it's complementary. And it's really well done. It just takes on your voice nicely and it feels like you've got kind of some help exactly when you need it.

So I think then what I'm trying to differentiate here is, is this a relationship problem or are we looking at a capacity problem?

Or a logistics problem.

Right. And sometimes that can then look like, can we sit down and have this conversation? But if every conversation devolves into a big fight or someone walking away or you never feeling heard and seen, that might be something different.

Isn't it fair to say it's both? The underlying challenges is the relationship, But the capacity changes. So it changes how the underlying problem manifests or shows up.

Are you saying, is it the chicken or the egg kind of thing?

I'm saying it's both.

Absolutely. Yeah. And also too, to normalize that piece, we all have relationship cycles. You and I have our own cycle. It's just part of what it means to be relational. And then the question is, how do I show up to that cycle when it's happening? And what I love to encourage couples to ask themselves is when you are in a hard moment or you're frustrated or you're feeling really angry, great, your partner, ask yourself, what is this really about?

Right?

What's the underneath thing in here? And because sometimes it is a deeper need of maybe I need connection, maybe I need closeness, maybe I need to be seen.

Maybe I need some autonomy.

Power, freedom, and play. It's so important, right? That's the autonomy. Actually, you and I had this conversation recently around scheduling things for our marriage, but then also scheduling things for our autonomy. And I think one of the things that we were doing is really trying to navigate what does this look like? And you and I have different size buckets for things. So while autonomy is equally important for both of us, and I think it's important for everyone in a relationship, my relationship bucket is bigger than yours. And so I look to fill that up. I want to fill it up. But your need for autonomy, I think, is bigger than mine. And so, and then the other thing too, that we're trying to navigate is like, well, what does this look like in day-to-day life? And so what you and I came to talk about for a week-to-week schedule, and not to be rigid or anything, but is one night a week, every week, I take one night for myself to do something. You take one night for yourself to do the thing that fills you up. And then how can we have a marriage moment? And you initiated that this week where we played cards that night that we had said.

Yeah, it was simple. It was simple.

But that initiation from you meant everything to me though.

Yeah, 'cause you won the game.

No, because I had fun connecting with you. Greg won't play Scrabble with me anymore because he never wins.

Okay, I think a lot of people can relate to this transition, this seasonal thing we've been talking about. I think we're all kind of going through it in one way or another. But let's drill down. Give people like 2 or 3 concrete things they can do in the next week, days to kind of maybe help them navigate this. Maybe they're kind of feeling a little bit stuck, like they're just kind of overwhelmed. been kind of slapped in the face with this change in the last few weeks with all the things. What can people do that's kind of like tangible, not too heavy a lift, kind of realistic?

Let's start by making the invisible visible. Whatever you are carrying, the tabs that are open, both of you need to sit down and put them on a piece of paper and talk about where they need to land. How important are they? Who's doing what? Who can take something from start to finish? Just making— because I think that is such a huge thing. I mean, the number of times I've thought about the kids' shoes and them needing new shoes, and I just haven't verbalized that to you.

True, but you got very rigid about when the shoes need to be bought.

Are you calling me rigid on my podcast?

Here's a tip to the parents: you can buy them back-to-school shoes after September 1st, and I bet the inventory is way better. Actually, it's gonna be worse in the short term, but—

Greg's laughing. I, I had a client tell me, and I think my kids were very young at the time, so we weren't in back-to-school, we weren't in like summer hustle of what it feels like. And a client had said to me, make sure you buy your kids' shoes in July.

And then—

It's good advice.

And then as evidence to that, I remember once being at a store in mid-August and there being no shoe sizes. And I had immediately confirmed the bias and said, see, you have to buy them mid-July. So yeah, July 15th rolls around and I'm thinking, where are the shoes? We need new shoes. And sometimes our kids actually don't need new shoes depending on when we've last bought them. But okay, so that's my point, making the invisible visible. Here's the other thing that I think is so important, and I don't want you to go to your partner and say, we need a daily ritual, we need a daily thing to make sure we're connected. No, I want you to just think about what is something that you do in your partnership that brings you together once a day that doesn't require a lot of time. It could even be something like getting intentional over the next week of lingering for a kiss. Not the peck. Stay a little longer. Put your hands on their face, grab them, like, just stay a little longer for that peck. Um, it could even be something like the door, right? So when you're going in and out the door, do you go to that person and say goodbye?

Yeah.

Do you give them the hug and kiss, see you later, can't wait to see you kind of thing? That stuff weighs heavy in a relationship, but it's the first to go. It could also be leaving a note for them under the coffee cup or pouring their coffee. So something that brings you together every single day. And if you have a hard time thinking of what that is, think back to what you used to do in your early dating days. I bet you had something there.

For sure. Yeah.

I even think about—

it doesn't need a label. That's the other thing.

It doesn't. I think—

just do it.

I think about us dating and how, you know, we would send each other— early days, we'd send each other emails because I wouldn't give you my phone number.

MSN Messenger.

MSN Messenger. But, you know, you'd spend a lot of time nurturing the other person and like That's a very therapist word. You spend a lot of time—

Seeing them.

Like actually seeing them, like showing them, hey, I was thinking about you. Ooh, I can't wait to be together, right? Like those kinds of things. And now my message to you is, did you take the chicken out of the freezer?

And I say yes. And the reply is capital K, lowercase k.

KK. Thanks for doing it.

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace and there it was. The bike you'd been searching for! You sent a message, and it turned out the seller was super chatty, kind of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew— well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook? You might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride, this summer find more on Facebook.

All right, what I think— one last thing: put a check-in in place. We don't have to do the, hey Greg, I'm going to start a check-in on Sunday nights and let's form— and maybe you do.

Maybe get my whiteboard out.

And maybe that works for you, right? Maybe that works for you. But maybe it's just something a little more informal. Maybe it's Sunday night, the kids are done at the table, and you two linger there for a few extra minutes and you say, what worked this And what's something—

what do you need this week?

Yeah, what's something stressful that's coming up the week ahead? How can I support you in a way that maybe you didn't feel supported last week? And just listen to the answer and then trade turns listening. The practice is to be a really good listener.

Yeah, I was just gonna say, you actually have to listen to listen to listen, not to respond, right?

Which, which of course, if your partner says, you know, I really need your help on Wednesday night and you decided to go and do this, the natural response is, well, I didn't know that you needed that. The response can just be, that's really important for me to hear that. Thank you.

I'm so glad you told me.

Thank you for taking that moment. You know, it's really something that I think about sometimes, Greg, when you're sharing things with me and if I'm feeling defensive, sometimes what I'm starting to think inside my head is, what would it be like to actually consider that he is making a point that's right? Or not so wordy, what's it like to actually just hear how he thinks about the world? Instead of being so quick to give my 2 cents.

Yeah, you should do that more. Everyone should. That's a form of curiosity.

Everyone should. It really is. It is such an important skill. In my first book, I had ended it with my 4 C's, and I had really thought about what do I, what do I hope people come to the end of this book with, and how can they implement these 4 things inside their relationship? The first one was curiosity. Just so important because the more curious we are, the more understanding we become, which leads to the second C, which is compassion. How can I be kind to you in the way that I'm kind to my best friend or kind to myself?

Compassion.

Collaboration. That's the third C. Collaboration being like, we are in this together. It's not you against me.

It's us.

Yeah. Everything we do together is us. And then the last one, the 4th C is connection, prioritizing time where we are connecting and hanging onto those 4 Cs. I've always gone back to that one. And the first one always being curiosity.

Well, and as I'm listening to you say it, it, it really drives the other 3, doesn't it? Like it's the foundation. Like that curiosity lends itself to the others in such a profound way.

Oh, okay. I think about golf. We recently played golf together when the kids were not with us, which was fantastic. And that's an activity of connection. But the skill of curiosity had to be throughout that. I asked you for advice at one point.

And boy, did you get it.

I did the whole 9 holes. But also to the curiosity within myself to ask you, how did that shot feel? Or, you know, what do you recommend around this? Or what do you like about this part? Or what's your favorite part of This just anything, right?

Even if it's not your thing.

Yeah. One of my favorite creators, Alice, she's in New York City. She recently started a reels thread that's called "If Moms Made Friends Like Kids." Oh, cute. And they're going viral because I mean every time I've watched her kids make friends, hey, do you want to be friends? My name's Alice. What's your name? Da da da da. Like it's like you know especially our daughter. Yeah. It's just this like showing up with curiosity. But then I love that. Anyways, all right, well, here we are at the end. I want to remind you that this is a real season that you are landing in, and going back to school is not one where we prepare our relationships for. We've done everything for the kids, but we haven't slowed down to say to each other, hey, how are we doing?

Just recognizing Oh shit, our capacity really has just shifted, changed. Deep breath. Okay.

Totally.

Yeah. Manage your expectations and manage your generosity towards each other. I think it really helped.

I think so.

Yeah.

All right. Thank you for clicking play today. Your time is valuable. I am always grateful that you are here in this community with me. It is such a gift to get to do this work with you. And if you have a question for us to answer here on the podcast, I've got the link in the show notes for you. Go ahead and click that. Tell me as much detail as you can because that always It helps me get really specific in the question, and I'm just grateful you clicked play today. All right, I will see you next week. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental healthcare provider. Take good care of you.

This podcast episode is sponsored by Quince. Now that the nights are getting cooler, there's nothing better than getting into a really comfortable bed at the end of the day. Quince has become one of my go-tos for bedding because the quality is just so good, it lasts, and I love the color selection. And Greg and I have completely different sleep needs, so in order for us to sleep in the same bed, I use Quince bamboo sheet set sets to help keep me cool. What I love about Quince is they make beautiful hotel-quality bedding in natural materials, from soft European linen to breathable organic cotton. Plus they have quilts, coverlets, and duvet inserts for those extra cozy layers. And everything is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middle person. So you're paying for the quality Not the traditional brand markup. And it's not just bedding. Quince brings that same thoughtful approach to everything they make, from apparel and home essentials to cookware and furniture. We've gotten a few of our favorite clothing pieces from Quince as well. I love Quince bedding, and I know you will too. Make your bed your favorite place this season with Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers, or go to quince.com/tracy. Get free shipping on your order and their 365-day return. Makes it so easy to change your mind. Now available in Canada and the UK, that's quince.com/tracy.

Push your limits, train with precision, see the results. At Equinox, that's high-performance living. Everything you need to lock in and unlock your potential at Equinox. Start today at equinox.com.

Fall is the perfect time to refresh and reorganize your space. At The Home Depot, find power tools and tool sets starting at $50 to help tackle DIY projects, home updates, and more. Whether you're drilling brackets to support new shelving or sharpening your hedge trimmer blade with an angle grinder, The Home Depot has the tools you need to check projects off your list. Shop Labor Day savings at The Home Depot and gear up for fall projects with the right tools to keep your projects moving.

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I want to date with rules, Kati says.

Rules?

Rock it off?

This is the love story of real Hinge couple, Kati and Raka, written and read by me, Nicola Dynan. Listen to the free audiobook now.