The Burned-Out Pursuer: When You Stop Reaching for Your Partner

This episode is sponsored by Cure Hydration. I've been on a bit of a health kick lately. I'm not just talking about more sleep, but also listening to what my body is telling me during the day. And I kept noticing that around 2 in the afternoon, I'd start craving sugar or another coffee. And of course, the afternoon slump can happen for all kinds of reasons, but I started to wonder whether I was drinking enough water, especially on those busy days when I'd look up and realize I'd barely had any. And that's what got me interested in Cure. I've tried electrolyte mixes before, and some are so salty that I just don't want to drink them. Cure's lemonade is one of my favorite flavors. It tastes good, and what I love about Cure is that it's so easy to keep on hand whether I'm bouncing between the clinic, between workouts, or getting the kids. What I also appreciate is the thought behind the formula. A little glucose and sodium together help your body absorb water. Cure uses coconut water powder. Pink Himalayan salt and real fruit juice with no added sugar, and it's built for everyday hydration. Now I keep some around for those afternoons when I want to check in with what my body might be needing before automatically reaching for more caffeine or more sugar. Head to curehydration.com, use my code Tracy for 20% off your order. That's curehydration.com, code Tracy for 20% off. Subscribe and save so you'll never run out, and you can pause or cancel anytime. I use this one and I think you're gonna love this one too. This podcast episode is sponsored by Quince. Once the nights start getting cooler, there's nothing better than getting into a really comfortable bed at the end of the day, and I am all about prioritizing sleep and rest this season. Quince has become one of our go-tos for bedding because it doesn't just look beautiful, it's made for real life. Our dog Lachlan loves to curl up on this beautiful quilt. It elevates the look of our bedroom. Our daughter has a duvet cover in this stunning sage green that completely changed the feel of her room. And then there are our favorite sheets. Their 100% European linen is woven from premium flax, and it gets softer with every wash. And their organic cotton bedding is breathable, incredibly soft, and this is the bedding that keeps me cool and comfortable through the night. What I love is that Quince brings the same quality to everything they make. We've also recently loved their cashmere sweaters, a pashmina shawl, a dress for my daughter, and sweaters for both kids. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. Make your bed your favorite place to be this season with Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Quince is now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Dear Dr. Tracy. It's the best way to support the show.

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, relationship expert, and your go-to guide for navigating relationships, boundaries, in-laws, and everything in between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. When I think about any relationship, I often see a pattern where one person is the one who is saying something like, can we have a date night? Or it's been a while, can we talk? Or I feel like we're disconnected. And when that person continues to pursue and pursue and they get stuck in the negative interaction cycle, Until one day something happens that I, as a therapist, have alarm bells that go off when this happens, and that is when the pursuer stops pursuing. In couples therapy language, we talked about this being the burned-out pursuer. And if you are the person who has experienced your partner withdrawing from you, or where there is now more relief in your relationship and you're wondering, where did my partner go? Or if you're the one feeling exhausted poking and asking and reaching, I think this episode is for you. I want to start delicately here today because I know that this is a really hard conversation to enter into, and it's often followed by questions like, how do I get my partner to change? And what do I do if I'm so exhausted and they aren't participating in the change conversation? Or sometimes it even comes down to a, do I stay or do I go? And I think those questions are very real. And if you are looking to work through those questions, reach out to me. I would love to support you. And if you are looking to do the couples work, consider joining me in my couples intensive. This is a 2-day stretch where I work with you intensively, either in person here in Ottawa where you're located, or we do it virtually. And we deep dive into the pattern that is keeping you stuck. And actually, in that time together, in those 2 days, we keep changing it and shifting it. And being able to do something different in the pattern, reach out to me. I would love to support you through that. And I only have a few spots available. So if you've been thinking about getting help, let this be your sign. I've got details for you in the show notes there. And if that is out of reach for you, please know that you can always reach me through my various online resources inside Be Connected. Ask Dr. Tracy is there for you for immediate support, as well as my monthly coaching that I see so many people who are benefiting from. All right, let's talk about the burned-out pursuer. Here's what initially happens in this dynamic. So I'm talking about the dynamic that looks more like the pursue-withdraw or the pursue-defend dynamic. This is where one partner is the pursuing person. This is the person who's reaching for connection. This is the person who's asking you to do something together. This is the one who is maybe escalating into anger because why don't you pay attention to me? Why don't you respond? Why are you shutting down? When are we ever going to have this conversation? They almost take stock of the relationship. They're the ones who are connection-focused. And I know if you experience this from your partner, it can often pull on a lot of emotions for the person who is the more defensive person or the one who shuts down because that pursuit can feel like a wave crashing over you, and you can feel like you're being sucked down. And the tricky piece is that the more you feel yourself get pulled under, instead of you being able to rise up to meet your partner with their longing and looking and searching for connection, the more they end up pursuing you. And here's the thing, I'm talking using clinical language right now— pursuit. But I want you to know That this person really has good intentions. And I know it can sometimes come across as anger, and that feels really difficult, but they want connection with you, and that matters. But what ends up happening in the relationship dance is the person who withdraws is the one who is saying, I'm not willing to do this with you. And that's uncomfortable, but they're also part of maintaining the status quo in the relationship. They are not meeting the person to be able to participate in true connection. Okay, here's where I want us to pay attention. When a partner gets to that place of feeling burnt out, the burned-out pursuer, the withdrawer initially experiences relief. This makes a lot of sense because the conflict now Stops. The partner who is reaching for connection and bringing up the issues goes silent. And so for the withdrawer partner, their nervous system initially feels, oh, okay, maybe we're actually doing better. Maybe they've finally accepted me. And the tricky piece in here is that that initial alarm bells have stopped ringing It actually doesn't signal the deeper piece of what's happening, which they don't yet realize that their partner has stopped expecting a response from them. And that is the critical shift that happens when a partner becomes burned out. When there's less conflict in a relationship, it doesn't always mean that there's more security. The pursuer's complaints were often ones of reaching towards you underneath Those moments of bringing up an issue, of asking to talk, of asking you to plan the date night— underneath that often sounds like, do I matter? And will you come and meet me here in what I'm looking for? And so when the pursuit stops, what also stops alongside that is the positive bids, the reaching for you, which is the sharing of stories, the affection, the invitations for sex, The humor. If you haven't listened to the episode on Brave Love, Great Sex, go back and listen to that one because with George Faller and Dr. Laurie Watson, we talk about how the emotional cycle also connects with the sexual cycle and being aware of both of those is extremely important. So what then ends up happening when the pursuer becomes burned out is that the couple becomes more functional. They end up becoming more polite, but there's actually less emotional and sexual connection. So while conflict has seemingly disappeared, repair, hope, and closeness has also gone on the wayside. I want to talk about what happens for the pursuing partner when they step into this more burned-out pursuer position, because what ends up happening at a deeper level is that they emotionally stop Organizing themselves around needing you. And that reorganization is important to them because that's how they're trying to cope by being met with a door that is constantly being closed on them. That's what it is like to bump up against the withdrawer repeatedly. The door is always shut. It stays shut. Sometimes it cracks open, but mostly it stays closed. And so for anybody, It's like knocking on the door. And at some point they decide, I'm no longer going to keep reaching for you because I have given up hope that you will even open the door to see me. And that's an incredibly painful place. And I think this is where we really need to land in on this conversation is recognizing the deeper pain underneath this, the deeper pain for everybody in these cycles. And remember that a relationship cycle is really rooted in these underneath unmet longings and needs. These are the deeper attachment fears that sound like, I worry I'm not enough for you, or I'm afraid that you'll abandon me. I'm afraid that I don't even matter to you. And when we don't express those, we can't see each other. And at the same time though, when we don't experience our partner as being there with us, we have to do something else within ourselves to feel okay. So in the scenario where the pursuer becomes burned out, they're now reorganizing themselves. And what I mean by this is they start to change their expectations of you. They stop expecting you to comfort them. They no longer expect your curiosity or your initiative or even your repair. And it, it is so painful to repeatedly expect you to show up in some way and to be met with nothing. That it becomes more about self-protection than having to continue to be vulnerable with you when it's not being reciprocated. What ends up also happening is that the burned-out pursuer starts to redirect who they're seeking closeness and comfort with. That might be through children, that might be through spending more time focused on parenting or children's activities. It might be around working longer hours, taking on new projects, or seeing friends, or prioritizing fitness, kids' activities, creative projects, or their own routine. And while on one hand these look like healthy developments, the other question that I often have is: Is their life expanding with the relationship, or is someone rebuilding their life in the absence of their partner? And the other thing that I notice around what happens for the burned-out pursuer is that they stop using their partner as a source of regulation. They're no longer calling them first. They're no longer sharing those vulnerable moments. They're no longer seeking physical comfort, or they're not looking for their partner to. Meaningfully connect with them. And slowly what happens— and I really want to emphasize that this is a slow movement into the burned-out pursuer position and the disconnection— is they start living life without the other person. It becomes this protection of, I'm going to look after me and know that I will be okay without you.

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So I think the important piece here is that when someone becomes the burned-out pursuer, it's not that they stop needing connection altogether. It's that they've actually stopped looking for connection, for spark, for wanting and longing inside the relationship. That doesn't mean they're being unfaithful in their partnerships. It means they're starting to nurture and fill up the other aspects of their life, no longer knocking at their partner's door waiting for them to open up. When I think about the couples who show up into my therapy room, when the pursuing partner has become burned out, it's often initiated by the previously withdrawn partner. And so then sometimes what ends up happening is this person who was the once withdrawer, they're then now in the pursuing position because in the absence of their partner knocking on their door, that can start to feel like a threat to their connection. The distance activates their own experience of loss. And so then they're starting to protest against that distance. And it's really interesting because When we reframe the pursuing partner's anger or frustration or resentment, I think something that's so important for us to acknowledge is that when someone is asking for date nights, they're asking for connection. Yes, I know it comes out in harsh or critical ways, but if we could shift that to see that actually deeper underneath that is a person who is trying to care and hold together a relationship. But then when they remove that and they're no longer knocking at your door, that indifference, that silence starts to feel like a threat. I think about some of the couples that I've worked with in the past in this dynamic, and the burned-out pursuing partner can really sometimes feel like they want to push away from the now reactive pursuer. So that's what we would call the previously withdrawn partner. I'm so cognizant that this episode is filled with this therapy jargon, but I really wanted to get the dynamic right so people can hear just how important this is. So the reactive pursuer, then the once withdrawn pursuer, now can become almost like they're the ones knocking at the door. But there's a sense of urgency and panic, and they're doing all the things. They start planning date nights, they start to initiate sex, they start to initiate family rituals again, and all these repair attempts. And it's almost confusing because this isn't a reversal or a changing of our attachment styles, but it's the dynamic starting to change. And the burned-out pursuer, rightfully so, will sit in sessions and sometimes say, I can't trust that. I've been waiting for years for you to show up, and now you want to show up? Now you wanna show up when I've decided to organize my life over here without you? Now you want to step in? And I think that's a really tricky place to land in. And one where I think it requires the person who has been withdrawn for a really long time to acknowledge and step into that position to be able to say, you are absolutely right to not trust me. Here's what I've heard from people in this position. The reactive pursuer, the once withdrawn partner, then says, how could you do that? This is what you've been asking for. They become angry, right? They become angry and righteous. You've been asking for this. I'm finally giving you what you want. Why don't you trust me? Why don't you wanna go on date nights? Why don't you wanna have sex with me? Why? And of course, right? Because you are risking to do those things. And at the same time, you're trying and you want your efforts to be seen. And I think what's really tricky in this piece though, is I invite this partner to instead hold compassion for the burned-out pursuer, compassion that this person has actually lost trust and security in the relationship, that it now takes time and they, they need that time to be able to come back together, to trust what this looks like. So if you are the reactive pursuer, if you were once the withdrawn partner who is now trying to rekindle and to find that closeness again with your partner, I think here is an opportunity for you to really meet your partner with where they're at. And for you to be willing to sit in the discomfort of Of course you don't trust me. It makes sense. So I think there's this element in here where both partners need to be able to take responsibility for how they contributed to the cycle. The withdrawn partner really has to acknowledge the significant impact that their withdrawing position had on their partner, on their sense of self, on the security they felt in the relationship, on just their general time spent reaching for them and being able to step into that really hard and uncomfortable position, which is risky, right? Because I think sometimes there's this element in here where people can say, if I acknowledge that I did that, will they then say, see, this is why we shouldn't be together? I think it's actually the opposite of that. We all long to experience someone as taking accountability and ownership. And when you do that, you are actually healing parts of the relationship. So by you being able to go to your partner and saying, I know that I have been withdrawn, I know that I shut down, I know I grow defensive, and that I have not been participating in this, and I see that you have carried all of this for years, and that isn't fair. And for you to really take responsibility for that, and that is the first really big foundational building block around building trust is when you can take responsibility and ownership for what has happened in the past. Now, that's not enough to be able to change this kind of cycle. But the piece that is important here is now you— if you are the withdrawn partner, you now need to be making everyday attempts. Put it in your phone, create reminders, have sticky notes, do all the things. You're not gonna get it perfect. It's not about being perfect. But you committing to showing up in your relationship in some way Every single day. And that's really important. And I think then there's another piece here that the burned-out pursuer has to then allow for time and space to heal, that it's not something that changes overnight. And they too have to practice then the openness, which I think is really hard because of course you don't trust this person. Of course it feels confusing for your brain because you've been reaching for so long. I do believe though that the couples that I've worked with They can change this. Sometimes couples reach the depths of despair before they both actually make a change. Some of the most impactful work we have done has often come after reaching some of these rock bottom moments. I think something that shows up for people in this conversation around feeling like they are the burned out pursuer, wondering if their relationship is okay, is this question between, is this acceptance for our relationship and who my partner is, or is this resignation? And I think we can't use the frequency of conflict to define what that is. But I think instead, let's define what acceptance would look like. Acceptance would look like a continued sense of warmth, affection, and humor within yourself and being able to give that to your partner. So if I'm going to accept that this is the relationship cycle that we're in, that my partner is the withdrawn person that Having hard conversations is incredibly difficult for us. Then I'm going to also practice naming my needs without having to have a particular outcome, without having that expectation that my partner is going to be the only person who can meet them. I think there's also this idea here about things being imperfect and that you're still in some way flexing or moving forward in trying to experience something that might be different. But I also think that acceptance brings a level of grief, and grief is about acknowledging that others do not change and our partners are who they are, and that we can appreciate what is in this relationship, the isness of a partnership. And I say that wholeheartedly because I know there are a lot of social media accounts and reels and spaces that talk about if they aren't this, this, this, then And leave. And relationships aren't so black or white. They're often filled with nuance, context, and living in the gray. And I think what's more important, instead of being able to say it's all this or none of that, is instead, now, what is it that we want to experience in our life moving forward together?

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Okay. Coming back to the goal of today's conversation. The goal of today was for me to share with you a tricky relationship cycle that shows up for people, one that I haven't named here on the podcast before, and one that I think shows up more than we're willing to talk about. And I think sometimes the language that we're using around this can also sometimes be people talking about silent divorce or around the marital drift. That's often part of the burned-out pursuer. So I wanna speak to each partner here just to finish up this conversation. My word to the withdrawn partner who has now maybe become the reactive pursuer, here's what I want you to know. Is that urgency that you feel to rebuild connection, to reach for your partner, To plan the date nights, to fight for them, that isn't yet the full repair. It is recognition of the pattern. It is understanding, because here's what I understand is that when you feel that sense of urgency, that is because the relationship matters to you. That's because you don't want to lose your partner. And that makes complete sense. But understanding that it has taken time for you to get to this place, it's now going to take time to rebuild trust. And one of the best ways you can do that is through consistency in your actions. That consistency is what helps to build safety. And guess what? In doing that, you have got to sit in a whole lot of discomfort of not knowing the future, not knowing the road. And I remember sitting through this, through probably 10 sessions with a client once where we were just in that discomfort of not knowing whether the other person was going to stay or go because that person was burned out. And it's important then for you as the once withdrawn person to not become reactive in the sense of angry, frustrated, and why can't you, why can't you just move on? Why can't we just return to recognizing that this is going to take time? That was my one piece there. But then the other piece I wanted to speak to in terms of the burned-out pursuer, and here's something that is really tricky, is that whenever we feel someone back us into a corner, guess what we're going to do? We are going to push against them. That's called psychological reactance. We know that, and it doesn't feel good. So what's important then for you as the once pursuing partner who has now burned out is that You are allowed to have space and time for you to experience that feeling of ambivalence, which also is incredibly uncomfortable to have in a relationship. Because once we notice something and once we name it, we want to be able to say, now I have a direction. And sometimes we don't. That ambivalence is not bad, but you have to be comfortable with it. So that's what I wanted to say to the more burned-out pursuing partner. I think something in this conversation that is really important for us to hold onto is 2 uncomfortable truths. One is deep compassion for how you got here because you didn't get here overnight. And we enter into relational cycles because the deeper down underneath stuff is we are trying to heal old wounds. We are trying to feel connected and close and adequate with the person that we love. And that cycle that takes over It's not that we're trying to solve the thing. It's first that we're trying to change the pattern that we all get stuck in somehow. That's the first piece. But I think the other truth within this is also about accountability, is you both got here, but also the person who has withdrawn for so long, it's important for you to recognize that you were doing that and that it did lead to this exhaustion in your partner and that you can see the impact That that action, which was a protective strategy growing up or in previous relationships, but that action did impact your partner. That doesn't make you a bad person. Doesn't make you a bad person. Makes you human. And then when we hold that accountability, that is trust building. All right, let's wrap up today's conversation. I hope that you got something out of today. Thank you for clicking play here today. I want you to know that. Just by you being here tells me that your relationship is one of the most important things to you, and it is one of the greatest gifts that I have in the work that I do every single day to get to connect with you, to get to share this work with you, and to also know how my work, how these episodes are landing with you and with those that you love. All right, if anything felt shareable today, I would love for you to share this episode with someone else that you love and care about. And I will see you next week. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental healthcare provider. This podcast episode is sponsored by Quince. Once the nights start getting cooler, there's nothing better than getting into a really comfortable bed at the end of the day, and I am all about prioritizing sleep and rest this season. Quince has become one of our go-tos for bedding because it doesn't just look beautiful, it's made for real life. Our dog Lachlan loves to curl up on this beautiful quilt. It elevates the look of our bedroom. Our daughter has a duvet cover in this stunning sage green that completely changed the feel of her room. And then there are our favorite sheets. sheets. Their 100% European linen is woven from premium flax, and it gets softer with every wash. And their organic cotton bedding is breathable, incredibly soft, and this is the bedding that keeps me cool and comfortable through the night. What I love is that Quince brings the same quality to everything they make. We've also recently loved their cashmere sweaters, a pashmina shawl, a dress for my daughter, and sweaters for both kids. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen. Make your bed your favorite place to be this season with Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Quince is now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Dear Dr. Tracy. It's the best way to support the show.

Fall has never looked or tasted this good. Sweetgreen's Fall Harvest Menu is back with seasonal favorites dressed to impress and made to be devoured. Warm roasted sweet potatoes, crisp apples, maple-glazed Brussels, and crave-worthy flavors in the Autumn Harvest Bowl, Maple-Glazed Salmon Plate, and Roasted Bacon Brussels Side. The season's most desirable menu has returned to Sweetgreen. Featuring fall's best dressed. Make your move. Order on the Sweetgreen app.

What's up? I'm Delaney Fisher, host of the Self-Helpless podcast, where science, spirituality, and sustainability are brunch buddies. Each week I explore the cutting edge of personal growth with leading specialists who share paradigm-shifting insights. Come hang out with us. You can subscribe to Self-Helpless wherever you get your podcasts.

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