The 4 Steps to Setting a Boundary That Actually Sticks

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If you've ever left a conversation thinking, I know I need a boundary, I just don't know how to do it without making things worse. This is for you. In my last conversation on the podcast, Greg and I unpacked why boundaries feel so emotionally loaded— hint, guilt. But today I want to slow it down and make this practical. It's not going to be perfect. We're not doing confrontational, but things that are actually doable for you. So I'm going to talk about 4 small shifts I see that make the biggest difference in my therapy room and in my own life when it comes to actually holding a boundary. Here's the first thing. The first is you need to name the boundary for yourself before you can even communicate it to anyone else. You actually need to ask yourself, what would have to feel different for me to feel okay in this dynamic? But I want to emphasize this. It's not, how do I get them to change? Or how do I get them to be different? But instead, what I actually need, because so often what ends up happening is we blurt out the boundaries. We express things without being fully clear. We focus on them changing in some way, and then we leave wondering why our boundaries are not respected. And I think it's because we actually don't even know what it is for ourselves. I want to plug my book, You, Your Husband, and His Mother, right here, because inside the book, I walk you through two things that are so important for everybody on this journey for boundaries. One is how you and your partner actually get on the same page when it comes to setting a boundary. And I talk about those 3 pieces that you need to have unity between the 2 of you. But the other thing I do is I help you distill what a boundary is actually about. Boundaries are not, you do the dishes and I'm not going to do it, but they're often about what our underlying needs are. So I list out 8 of our core needs that we all have in relationships. And when we can start to understand a boundary from that perspective, it's a game changer. The next thing that I really want you to think about now, again, I'm not giving you the scripts in this conversation. I do have a video that went up on Instagram recently with 3 ways to respond. I'll link it below in the show notes, but here's what I want you to think about for the next conversation. I want you to practice saying it early and not in the heat of the moment. Now there's a little bit of nuance in here because some people, you might express something in the moment, but other times it's actually about expressing it early. So the conversation that we've been having is around holidays and holiday planning. And if you save this for the day before to say, hey, we're not coming to the holiday gathering, then that's going to create even more conflict. But if you can get ahead of it and do this early on, everybody is going to have a better chance of understanding what you want and need. Now here's the other element here is for some people you can express this early on. So I'm thinking of the individual with their parent that's going to say, hey mom, we can't wait to see you for this holiday gathering. I just want to let you know that we're really trying to anchor our parenting and what we're doing, and we don't want to talk about our parenting choices right now. This is just a very broad example that people give me, but right there I'm giving the heads up that is in advance. Now that's with someone who you are probably more likely able to give feedback and to have these kinds of conversations with them. But that's going to be different than the people who are not safe, the people who cannot hear what your boundary is ahead of time to try to understand it. And that's the time where in the moment, then you want to be able to know exactly what it is that you want to say. And that links to the first thing that I said is you have to be able to name that boundary. They really need you to understand this piece is that you don't just go to an event and do a skill that you have never done before. It's expected and normal for you to have to rehearse saying the hard thing. This is exactly what I do with my therapy clients in the therapy room is I take on the role of the boundary pusher of who's the family member, the sibling, the friend, the partner who pushes the boundaries. I roleplay that with them. I know, gosh, roleplay is always so— like, all my clients are like, oh, I hate roleplaying, but we do it. And then they can see, oh, I don't have the language. Oh, I feel that reaction inside of me. And it helps you prepare. So if you're not doing this with a therapist, do it with your partner, do it with someone who's trusted, or just write it out so you can feel what it sounds like, what it sits inside, like what, how it lives in your body. For you to then say the thing. And so when I think about in-the-moment boundaries, those are often going to sound like things, hey, we're not going to talk about our parenting choices. Tell me about the mahjong game that you've been playing recently. So ideally you can set those boundaries ahead of time, but often it's in the moment with people who have a hard time hearing your boundary. There's always this balance in here too. So a boundary can be something that you express, Or it's something that you do for you. And so if you know that you're at, say, for example, the in-law holiday table, and every time a body comment gets brought up or the politics gets brought up or the comment about how your child does the thing and, well, they never had a child, whatever that is for you in that moment, you're going to decide, I am not engaging in this. So you might then say, oh, we're going to go for our after-dinner walk now. Come on, kids. You pack up and you go for the walk. Or it's the moment where you excuse yourself to the bathroom, you splash cold water on your face. You do not have to engage in that because what you know already is that they can't hear the boundary and that instead you are creating that choice, power, and agency inside of you in that moment. All right. This third part is probably the hardest next to the fourth one. Let the reaction be theirs to manage. And for those listening, I'm actually taking my hands and just putting it out in front of me. Give the reaction back to them. You're not responsible for how someone responds to a boundary. You do it with kindness, you do it with firm love, care, but their feelings, their guilt trip, their pushback, their silence— ugh, the silence is so painful— that belongs to them. You do not need to fix it. You do not need to own it. You do not have to go back and explain yourself, justify, or change what it is that you want to need. And I think this is where we can really start to make a change, because I read all of your responses before, and people often think, well, I shouldn't have said anything. And that's when you have internalized and taken on their reaction instead of building this glass wall around you, or this clear bubble that protects you. And it's the people— it's theirs It's not for you to take on.

Okay.

This last one is you have to have a follow-up action for when the boundary is crossed. This is the thing. We anticipate that they are going to push our boundary. And for those people who are always pushing your boundaries, I like to refer to them as our boundary teachers, because they're teaching us about our boundaries and what we need to do in those hard moments. So I noticed so many people say, my boundaries aren't respected. They keep crossing my boundaries. And it tells me that you're focusing outward on their behavior and wanting them to change, but others are supposed to cross it. So you prepare then what the follow-up action is. And the follow-up action might be ending the conversation, changing the conversation. It might be excusing yourself from the holiday table. It might be about saying, you know, this is the moment in our phone conversation where when you start to talk to me about Dad's problems and your marriage, Mom, then I'm going to end our call. And I love you, Mom, and I'll see you next time. That's powerful. And it's also really hard. And you might get the silence back in response to that. And that doesn't mean it was bad. It doesn't mean that it was wrong, that you're not a good child, or that you're not a good partner. It means that they're gonna have a reaction because that's exactly what people are supposed to do. Okay, just quickly. First, name the boundary for yourself. You have to understand what it is. Say it as early as you possibly can, or at least practice it ahead of time. That was 2. 3, let their reaction be theirs to manage. That's not yours. Don't own it, don't wear it, put it down. They can take care of it. And then the last one is you have to have a follow-up action to uphold your boundary. And if you are looking for more about boundaries, check out my book, especially when it comes to dealing with those tricky family members, you, your husband, and his mother. I've got the link in the show notes. The reviews of the book have been so powerful. It's been amazing to see people opening up about these conversations and actually building a strong marriage alongside their partner to stay in contact and in relationship with their partner, because as we said in the last episode, remember that boundaries are an invitation for you to stay close and connected. All right. Thanks for clicking play, and I will see you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every episode that this podcast is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. Take care. See you next time.

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