What I’ve Learned in 10 Years of Parenting (And What I’m Still Figuring Out)

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Welcome to Dear Dr. Tracy, the podcast that dives deep into the messy, beautiful world of relationships. I'm Dr. Tracy, clinical psychologist, Relationship Relationship Expert and your go to guide for Navigating Relationships, Boundaries in Laws, and Everything in Between. Whether you're striving to rekindle the spark, set healthy limits, or build deeper connections, this is the space where real talk meets expert advice. Together, we'll tackle the tough questions, untangle the sticky situations, and uncover the small shifts that lead to big transformations in your relationships. So grab a coffee, settle in, and let's rewrite the stories you tell yourself. This is Dear Dr. Tracy, your guide to creating relationships that feel good. Hey, it's Dr. Tracy. Ten years ago, I became a mom. I was 30, and like so many of us during these early seasons of parenthood, I didn't know what I was doing. I had no idea the unfolding of the time to come. I thought I did. I had the books, I had the checklists, I had spoken to friends. But when I peel back the layers of what the last 10 years have been like for myself, for me and my relationships, for even just me in my day to day. I don't think anything could have prepared me for this journey. Not just about what it means to become a mother, but to also find myself again after doing so. And I think of these last 10 years like this period of learning, of stretching, of healing, breaking and becoming. And I wanted to do this episode and share these three ideas that I've been sinking into in reflection of these last 10 years. Not as a way to give advice, not as a way to make a blueprint, but instead to give reflection and to share my truth. One of the things I really think about with motherhood is this season or transition into losing myself and at the same time finding myself. And this wasn't something that I was prepared to experience. I remember those early days after my first was born, really struggling with almost like this sense of idleness. And when I look back, I think how precious that time was. But in the moment there's was just this buzzing inside of me, this ongoing continuation of who I was. And that was the person who was constantly doing, creating, moving, achieving, striving and having this pause was almost breaking in a way, in the sense of not knowing who I am or what I'm supposed to be doing. And there was a moment of clarity around maybe six weeks after giving birth and remembering, or not even remembering, but rather tuning into that my role here is to be mother and to look after this little being. And there was a sense of acceptance and relief around that. And at the same time, as time unfolded, we know those months and weeks where we start to get more sleep, where we start to find a routine. And I remember in those transition periods where I felt confused or lost or even unseen in the sense that I had easily fallen into, as we all do, I think, giving up all of my needs and then not really knowing what I needed. And I found myself having to almost then shift again out of this feeding, planning, managing this constant doing, being in motion all the time, to then slowing down and asking myself, who am I and who do I want to be and what does that even look like? I have this internal reaction when people in the motherhood space talk about feeling like their old selves again. And I think when this is said, it's talked about having energy again, getting sleep through the night, maybe even returning to that hobby that you were doing before. And the reason I reject this idea of returning to feeling like me again, the me before having a baby, is because I Started to go through such a big transition after having children, I felt more secure in myself. I felt this new sense of knowing. This did not show up right after giving birth to my first. In fact, that was more of a time of confusion and uncertainty and not knowing. But then, as the weeks and months progressed, I found myself settling into knowing and trusting myself and learning a new set of boundaries and learning that I could say no to something that maybe before I. I would say yes. And I found myself saying, I don't want to go back to who I was, but instead I want to keep going forward with who I am today. So something I think about in terms of motherhood is saying goodbye, in a way, to the old me and who I was. And then welcoming in this season. And I'm often reflecting about liminal spaces. And for me, that really was some of my postpartum periods was being in this uncertainty and unknowing and not knowing my next step and not having necessarily this bigger direction where I knew what I was doing each day, but I didn't know the bigger picture. These liminal spaces, I think, are so important in our life because they give us this chance to sit within ourselves, to get grounded in, and then to find what door we need to move into. And a really big part of that for me, was getting curious around what I like, what I want to be doing, who I want to be spending time with, what those boundaries actually look like, and building deeper roots within myself. So coming into motherhood, there's this sense of losing, but also this sense of rediscovery. And when we allow ourselves to be uncomfortable in that and to not shy away from the what ifs or the unknown and we lean into it, that then gives this space for something completely different to unfold. The second piece I've been reflecting about in terms of the last 10 years of parenthood is around. Around marriage, around boundaries, around the mental load. And there's something that I wish more people would say out loud, and that is that motherhood changed my marriage. And I know that when one person changes in a relationship, it can feel incredibly threatening to the other person. And so we get scared and we want to stay the same, and we don't want to grow too far away, because change for so many people is scary, and it does bring about this unknown. But I often think that if we could look at our marriages changing through parenthood, we can see it changes not because something is broken, but rather because something is shifting and unfolding. One of the ways I know that couples will stay together is this willingness to each day to choose each other. And this daily choice is not about the agreement that you will always be the same, but instead the choice to turn towards what the other person is experiencing. When one person is struggling, or in a liminal space or in a season of transition, the other person can be that supportive and open partner. They don't need to be the adversary. When I think back to those earlier years in parenthood, our relationship really did change. And I think something that we forget to look at is even if we become teammates, the schedulers, the logistic managers, we don't want to stay there forever in our partnership. But there is something so powerful when you and your partner can flop on the couch after that incredibly hard bedtime time and they can look over at you and say, you are doing such a good job. When you can say, together, we miss each other. We know we're going to get back there and we're not there yet, but we'll get there. Or when there's this sense of understanding and unfolding of each person's goals and desires and wishes. And I think in relationships it can take a lot before both people feel secure and safe to do that. Today's podcast episode is sponsored by Branch Basics. Okay, I have to admit I was a little skeptical when I first heard about one bottle of concentrate that could become all your cleaning products. But I tried Branch Basics and I was blown away. You get one simple concentrate and you mix it in the different bottles with different amounts of water depending on what you're cleaning. My first test was my windows and wow, they came out sparkling without streaks and I didn't have to deal with that strong chemical smell that I've always just put up with. My home felt clean, but not like I needed to air it out for an hour. What really won me over is that Branch Basics is made from plant and mineral based ingredients. It's human, safe, biodegradable, and actually designed for homes like mine and maybe yours too. Ones with kids, pets, and a commitment to keeping things safe and simple. The women behind the brand each came to this from their own personal health journeys. And their stories are powerful and their mission is clear. To help more families create truly healthy homes by eliminating toxins from the everyday things we use. And the refill system. It's brilliant. One bottle of concentrate makes 13 refills. So not only does it cut down on waste, it means I'm not constantly reordering or filling up a cabinet with half used products. All I need is the concentrate and the oxygen boost and I'm set. I am absolutely loving this system and it also makes the perfect gift. Baby showers, housewarmings, or just a kind way to support someone trying to live a little healthier. Make this the year you say goodbye to toxic products. Right now my listeners get 15% off the premium starter kit by using code TRACY15@branch basics.com that's 15% off your new Branch Basics Premium starter kit@branch basics.com with my promo code Tracy 15. Make this year your cleanest, healthiest year yet with Branch Basics. Michelle Obama recently shared that her decision to not attend two events is because she was choosing herself, that the first time in so many years she's now given space and time to her own identity. And so many people jumped into or are still jumping into the speculation around divorce. And I think what so many people miss in this, and this comes from a place of fear, is that if one person is searching for autonomy, it must mean they want to leave the relationship. And instead being able to see that when we fill up ourselves, when we even feel courageous and ready to go and do those things on our own, it doesn't mean we're leaving the marriage. It means we're strengthening ourselves so that we can come back and be better as partners. And that's a really beautiful shift. It requires though, both people to understand that you're coming back together in some ways. This in essence is what it means to be securely attached. The knowing I can hold you in my mind that you are off exploring and doing something that fills you up and you're going to come back to me and you come back to me even stronger and you and I then get to grow because you've had this experience. That right there is attachment, security. When I think of the growth in our marriage over the last 10 years, it has really been about having to shift out of over functioning and taking on so much. And part of that comes out of wanting to please, wanting to be the good wife, wanting to be the good enough mom. And I think oftentimes that over functioning role ends up leading or even leaking into resentment, withdrawal and disconnection. And there's almost this choice point and power. When I say power, I don't mean it in the gross sense of wanting to control somebody. I mean it in the agency sense that we all have a sense of agency to make choices for what's going to be best for us. But I often think of when we can start acknowledging what we do in relationships and how we show up in our roles and changing that then can really lead to a powerful shift in the relationship again, if we are willing to go through that. Something that I've talked a lot about with the mothers I've worked throughout my years. I've also talked about this with the dads. The other caregivers is around transitions. And what I'm thinking specifically is around even the micro transitions we do day to day. When I'm leaving the office and getting home to the kids, what do I do to clear my mind, to decompress, to be present and grounded in my body so when I transition to the next moment, I'm there. I'm not letting that stress leak over. Or the transition between getting the kids from bath time into bed and how that can really stir up a lot of anger and frustration for parents when kids start to get silly as they do. There are so many transitions that we experience in the day. And I also think we forget to look at some of the bigger transitions. The transitions like wanting for example, to go and do a yoga class once a week because now the kids go to bed on their own. Or the transition to. To nurture something about yourself. Or the transition to say, hey love, I know you love watching TV and I'd actually like to read my book tonight. That in itself could be a transition. Or maybe it's the transition that your kids are saying, I'm going to put myself to bed tonight. You don't need to rock me tonight. There are all of these moments of transition in these seasons and I wonder sometimes if we forget to pause and acknowledge all of them, making space for all of the feelings that show up with them. When I think about the relationships after having children, I think so many of us feel really pulled between how do I nurture my autonomy, my independence, how do I nurture the us and the we? And then how do I be a good parent? And I think what we need to be able to acknowledge is this sense of flexibility in what we choose to do. It's not about always saying yes to something, it's not about always being the one to do bedtime. But instead it's about frequently asking ourselves, what do I need right now? What do I need to be well, what's going to help me in this moment? Do I need to look after this autonomy part of me and nurture myself? And what would that look like then for my relationship when I started to make more space for myself and stopped being in that over functioning martyrdom role that I found myself often getting into, where I would feel guilty for Taking time for myself. It really allowed me to feel more connected to my needs, but also to the whole family. And that is really where our power and agency and choice can come into play. When I think about relationships and boundaries in marriage, something I know that I still feel this pull towards is to always be there as a family. And this is, I think, a continued evolving piece of myself. And I think it's something that we all have to practice in terms of checking in with ourselves and asking what matters most to me right now and trusting that that's going to change every single day. But along with that is really this practice of boundaries and tuning into ourselves and knowing what it is that we need. The third piece I have really spent time reflecting on is Healing at the same Time as parenting, and I didn't see this one coming. A few years ago, I walked into the office to my colleagues and said this again and shared with them something that I was struggling with about myself and the analogy of like you're unfolding the layers of a rose or peeling back the layers of the onion. It really is this lifelong journey of healing and growing and evolving. And it's not what we often hope for, is reaching some sort of milestone or marker or finish line to say, I'm done, I've done the work, and I connect to this so deeply. When my clients come in saying, I thought I would be done with this, or they say, you know, how come this old thing showed up again? And I think that just really shows our humanness in terms of what it means to have past experiences, in terms of what it means to define the self and the other and how we're constantly changing depending on information that we're taking in. And I think it also requires us to bring in a lot of compassion and grace, not just for ourselves, but also for the people around us.

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And if you're unsure, they offer a 30 day wear test. Seriously, you get to try them, live in them, and if they're not for you, you send them back. No pressure, no hassle. All right, if you're ready to give them a go, head over to vionix shoes.com log in and use the code Tracy at checkout. You'll get 15 off your entire order. It's just a one time offer, so don't miss it. Your feet and your whole body deserve to feel supported Starting this podcast in 2019, there was one of my favorite episodes I shared with you, which was around shame. And I remember this, this moment particularly because I had talked about it and the deep shame spiral I had afterwards of I'm such a bad mother. I yelled at my child. We were on the way to work and we were all in the car. And it was one of those moments where I had to uncover some of these parts of my own experiences in my history and how so often what's happening in front of us, us, it almost feels like we're right back there. Whether we are responding in those old ways, whether we hear our own parents voices in those moments. And this is an incredibly challenging journey. One of the things I talk a lot about with my friends, with my clients is that not only are we parenting our children right now, but we're also reparenting ourselves. And the extra challenge right now with all of the information that we're holding, with some of the biggest changes in our knowledge around emotion regulation, around interpersonal connection, around communication. It also means for a lot of us, we're trying to parent our parents. And so we're working in so many different ways not to change other people. We don't work to change our parents. And we also work to bring in our children and to accept who they are. But it's this constant mirror that's being held up to us. And if we're willing to look at it and to say, what's the work that I'm doing right here? One of the pieces around motherhood has been around me releasing control and certainty. This was a part for myself that I really needed to heal. And one of the ways I look at my children and to see maybe the parts that I bump up against is this view that they are bringing a gift to me, that this is a gift that I'm going to learn and I can accept it. And that has been so challenging at times because of course, when we really value something, we want to hold on to it, even when it's not necessarily functional or it's not helping us. I think of one of the gifts being around acceptance and letting go and really having this willingness to lean into things that I do not know and things that I cannot control and trusting that it's going to be okay. And that gift from my child has been so important in terms of my own healing, and it's required me to have to do more of this. This reflection on is this something that is helping me to continue to do? Or how can I then show up differently to this? And I often think about what I say to clients because we want to get stuck in the why? Why do I do this? Why am I still struggling with this? Why is this showing up right now? And part of healing, I think, is acknowledging when something shows up, up, choosing whether we're going to hold on to it in that moment, or choosing to let it go and choosing to release it, to drop the rope. That's my favorite analogy, is I'm choosing to drop the rope in this really hard moment right now. I don't need to hold on to this so tightly. And then asking ourselves, what's really important to me right now? And I think when it comes to parenting right now, something that I find myself coming back to over and over again over the last decade is the willingness to show up imperfectly while also teaching my children. I'm not always going to get it right. And I do make mistakes. And actually it's okay when you make mistakes. There's always that caveat too. When I make these mistakes, I'm reflecting. I'm looking to see what I could do differently next time. That's part of this process, us. And at the same time, I'm showing them the humility and coming to them and repairing. And that is something that our children really need from us, is to know that they're not alone in that hard stuff. And for many people, myself included, it can almost feel counterintuitive to do that. It can almost feel hard to go back and to acknowledge the not great thing we did. Many clients will ask me, it's been several weeks, it's been months, Can I Go back to it. And yes, the answer is go back and repair. And I think that really is part of our willingness to sit in this and to break cycles instead of continuing to repeat the old stuff. That doesn't feel good. And I think for so many of us, us acknowledging this cycle breaking, that we're doing the shifting in terms of how we sit with feelings, how we acknowledge our children, it's not supposed to be perfect. And the other piece is that it's really beautifully intentional. I'm accepting that I'm still healing. I'm accepting that I'm still learning and evolving and that I think this is going to be just a process us that with willingness and openness, we can continue to do moving forward. So I look back on these past 10 years and here's what I know. I know that I am not who I was when I became a mother. And I've learned to listen to myself. I've learned that boundaries are really about loving myself, but also offering kindness to others. I've learned that healing doesn't happen all at once, but it does happen sometimes in these big, seismic ways and other times in these quiet, unfolding, sliding ways. And maybe the most important piece that I've really leaned into that stand out for me in these past 10 years is that I am enough. And I don't have to get it right all the time. But instead I keep showing up. I keep being open, honest, willing. So if you're here in the thick of it right now, if you feel like you've lost yourself or your marriage is on autopilot, or maybe you're carrying more than you can hold, I just want you to hear this. You are not broken. You are becoming. And know that you are allowed to ask for what you need. And you are allowed to change. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for letting me share this reflection with you. And if this resonated, please share it with someone else who's in the middle of their own becoming. We are in this together. Thanks for tuning in to Dear Dr. Tracy.

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Therapist. I see how many people struggle, especially this time of year. My clients often increase their sessions because the emotional load rises and getting support becomes essential. But for so many, the biggest barrier isn't wanting therapy. It's finding the right therapist at the right time, at the price that doesn't feel impossible. That's why I'm such a fan of Rula. Telehealth has made therapy more accessible, but Rula takes it a step further. Their mission is to make high quality mental health care, easy and affordable for everyone. And they've removed so many of the barriers that normally hold people back. Here's what you need to know. Rula takes most major insurance plans and sessions often average just $15, sometimes even zero, depending on your benefits. They partner with over 15,000 licensed therapists and psychiatrists, giving you real options and a genuine chance to find the right fit. Plus, their providers are carefully vetted and Rula stays with you through the process. Making sure you're getting the support and progress you need started is simple. Rula asks a few questions and then matches you with in network therapist based on your needs and preferences. And what I love is that you can schedule right away, sometimes as soon as the next day. So if you've been thinking I know I need support but I just don't know where to start. This is your moment. Go to rula.com Tracy to get started. That's R U L A.com Tracy for convenient quality therapy that's actually covered word by insurance and when they ask where you heard about them, please let them know it was from the show. It helps us continue to bring you these conversations and resources you rely on. You deserve care that fits your life, your needs and your schedule. Rula can help you take that first step.